


HOUSE OF CARDS

by jjaeyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Fanfiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-05-26 09:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 57
Words: 144,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14997758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjaeyong/pseuds/jjaeyong
Summary: "I suppose I should tell you about the first time I met him.I should also tell you that the first time I met him was also the time that I lost my mind."Lee Taeyong is the only son of a powerful mafia boss who controls the South Korean underworld. What will happen when his father's ridiculous orders flip his life upside down?*this work was originally posted by me to wattpad (@jjaeyong) this is my original story so please do not steal or reproduce it in any way, thank you. <3*





	1. INCEPTION

_"You have to listen to me, look at me right now. You can't keep doing this shit. People can fucking hear you... I ... I should be getting the fuck out of here! You're going fucking crazy!" I said through clenched teeth._

_"Hit me then, Jaehyun. Hit me! Hit me!" Taeyong yelled as he had noticed the anger boil up inside of me. He palmed my chest repeatedly, making my body_ _stumble across_ _the room. He pushed me against the opposite wall._

_"Why would I bother!? You don't even know what's real! You probably won't feel anything!" I retorted. I slightly overpowered Taeyong using my extra 5 centimetres of height. Despite this, I still felt like the powerless one as I felt tears well up in my eyes._

_Taeyong grabbed me by my collar in sheer frustration and slammed_ _me_ _against the wall. I let out a grunt as he knocked all of the air out of me. Taeyong stared up into my eyes that were riddled with fear and apprehension. To my surprise, Taeyong kissed me roughly. I pushed him away._

_"Don't say that you're going to leave again." Taeyong whimpered through heavy breaths. I felt full of rage... his mood was changing like the weather, he was yelling like a madman one minute, which made me want to leave him, for the first time ever. Then, he was looking at me with those big fucking irresistible eyes, begging me to stay._

_I grabbed him by the collar and_ _pushed_ _him down on the bed. I raised my hand, ready to slap him across the face, hit him as hard as I could, to decimate his beautiful face, that beautiful face that I adored so much, but he hated so deeply at that moment. Taeyong flinched as I raised my hand. I lingered there momentarily, looking down at him. What the fuck was I doing? then, I cupped his face and_ _ran_ _my_ _thumb over his lips. Taeyong's lips parted slightly and_ _I slipped my_ _finger_ _inside_ _gently_ _, tracing his teeth. Taeyong pushed me over and hovered over me on the bed, straddling me._

_"Stay with me... stay..." he implored while stroking my messy hair off my forehead._

_"I want you to kiss me," I whispered._

_"You hate me."_

_"I love you."_

_"You hate me."_

_"I love you."_

*************************

**Jaehyun's POV**

I suppose I should tell you about the first time I met him.

I should also tell you that the first time I met him was also the time that I lost my mind.

I'm not here to lie to you. Ive been lying to myself for long enough.

It was our last year of high school. I saw him walk on the train that was heading towards Seoul, where our school was located. It was an all-boys school, which sort of limited my opportunities to socialise with girls so I had never fallen in love or been captivated by anyone before. That morning he walked on the train and sat down opposite me. I was looking down at my phone at the time but I know that he was the only one who got on at the stop. When he stepped onto the train, a cool breeze followed him in, the crisp autumn morning air providing some relief from the stuffy space.

When I looked up, I saw him there, staring into the distance through the window behind me.

I was captivated by his casual yet ethereal beauty, the way the school uniform seemed to suit him so well even though I had seen boys in the same thing for most of my life. He had a perfectly structured face, and large, innocent looking eyes. If only I knew back then what I know now. His lips were perky and cast a shadow on his cupids bow, and his eyebrows were straight and well kept. His nose had a high bridge, but it didn't look like it was the result of surgery.

He must have sensed me staring because his gaze darted down from the window and he met my line of sight. I felt something that I had never felt before, something that I was convinced that I would never feel. I was flustered  _over a boy_. I clutched my backpack to my chest and shifted in my seat uncomfortably.

You know that  _thing_  that people do when they catch you looking at them, and the return of their gaze is furtively averted?

Yeah. He didn't do that.

Instead, his eyes burned holes into me, etched into my skin, drilling holes into my skull and my body, searing my flesh. I felt my body temperature rise further as I looked vacantly at the dirty floor of the train. I looked up again to see if he was still looking at me. He was. He maintained eye contact and cocked his head to the side as if I was a zoo exhibit, looking at me, apparently an exotic animal, curiously. He had this intimidating, quiet confidence. I busied myself on my phone for the rest of the trip, reading random articles, anything to distract me from the embarrassing situation.

When the train stopped at Seoul, I practically leapt out of my seat and darted through the doors. I walked as briskly as I could towards my school without trying to look like I was in a rush, which was about a 5-minute walk. The thought that he may have been behind me made me even more nervous. When I arrived at the school gates, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around, and it was him. All air left my lungs, and my mind went completely blank.

"Hi. I'm starting here today. Where's the office?" He said rather coldly as he crossed his arms.

"Uh, sorry what?"   
"The office? Administration desk?" He retorted, probably thinking I was some kind of dimwitted invalid.

"Yeah. Right. Sorry. Walk through the quad and take the right exit and turn right again. There's a sign that will lead you up the stairs." I shifted my weight on each leg, unable to stay still and act remotely unbothered. I pointed across the schoolyard that was getting busier by the second, the excited laughs of my schoolmates ready to start their final year of high school.

He faked a toothless smile and said thanks. He didn't walk anywhere, time seemed to have stopped for a moment. We were standing there, looking at each other. I snapped out of my trance.

"I, uh, gotta go." I blurted. I clutched the strap of my bag and walked off rapidly. My legs couldn't seem to carry me fast enough. I looked back, and he was still standing there, his face and body obscured by ornate black metal, watching me walk away. I walked to my homeroom, took my usual seat, and rested my forehead on the desk.

"Fuck," I whispered in defeat.


	2. STRUNG

"Fuck," I whispered in defeat.

Day one of the new school year and I had already made a complete and utter fool out of myself. I had completely lost my resolve. I was usually cool meeting new people, brushing off any awkward introductions and any forgettable, boring social mishaps. But it seemed as though the world was going to end. I rested my head in my hands and waited for the classroom to fill up.

"Jaehyun!" my friend Lucas chirped as he walked through the door. He paced over to me and slapped me on the back twice.

"How was your summer? You didn't respond to my texts," he asked.   
"Fine thanks. And I'm sorry. I was kinda busy." I smiled as widely as I could, lying to him through my teeth. I knew that my smile looked as fabricated as my lie and Lucas was the type of person to see right through me. He always knew when something was bothering me. As a matter of a fact, I did nothing but watch animations and read books in solitude for all summer, only leaving the house to get food and cigarettes.

"Wow. What crawled up your ass?" he laughed.

"Put a sock in it, Lucas." I huffed.

"Geez, okay. Maybe your coffee hasn't kicked in yet."

He sat down in his usual place to my right and took out his things.

To my sheer and utter displeasure, the mystery train boy walked into our classroom with enrolment papers in his hand. Nobody really took notice of him. If my school accepted both boys and girls, I'm sure the girls would have gone wild. Every girl loves a new boy to talk about to distract them from their painfully mundane and monotonous lives. I sure did.

He placed his bag on the desk in front of me, then the teacher walked in. He went up to the teacher and handed him his enrolment papers, the last step to becoming an approved student at our school.

"Ah yes, Lee Taeyong. Welcome." The teacher smiled. He didn't bother giving a proper introduction, that was the sort of thing we did in junior years. He walked over to his desk that he put his bag on, and that I sadly presumed that he claimed as his for the duration of the year.

_Lee Taeyong. Lee Tae - yong. Tae yong. Lee... Tae... Yong..._

The tendrils of his name in my brain created new neural pathways, protons and electrons buzzing in my cranium, echoing off the walls of my skull, storing his name in my memory bank for the rest of my life. He had such a nice name. A perfect balance of vowels and consonants.

 _Lee Taeyong;_ I kept repeating his name, involuntarily at that, over and over again.

As the teacher commenced the dreary, typical introductory pep talk that we heard every fucking year (study hard, do this, don't do that, get proper sleep, exercise, eat well and often) I zoned out and stared at the back of his head. He had dark brown hair at the time, but it didn't look like his natural hair colour. I noted the way that his hair rested softly on his nape, effortlessly, gorgeously. The way his spine stood out when he leaned forward to write something down from the board.

When the teacher commenced our lesson, Mathematics, I could barely concentrate. I was writing down sums and numbers and graphs but they didn't mean anything to me. I saw them on my page, but they were empty, hollow, like looking at something from a movie, registering it, but not really thinking anything else of it. It was flat, two dimensional. My thoughts were filling up my head, it had reached its capacity. If that's even possible.

Looking back on it now, that was probably the first time I realised that I was totally and completely besotted by him. Of course, I didn't admit that to myself.

"Do you have any spare lead?" Taeyong asked while holding up his empty pacer.

My head darted up from resting on my arm lazily. He had turned around and he was resting his right arm on the back of his chair. I handed him the pacer in my hand. It took me about 5 seconds to respond as I was admiring the way his slightly parted fringe fell on his forehead, and how sharp his jawline was. It's like he knew that I was thinking about him and he was asking for lead just to stir me up, to see my reaction. I felt embarrassed, as if I had my thoughts tattoed on my forehead with bright red ink.

"You can have it" I blurted subconsciously. My hand shot up in the air. "Teacher, may I please use the bathroom?"   
"Yes, go on. Take the hall pass."

Taeyong looked at me with a confused glare.

When I was around him I felt like I needed to escape. Just like on the train, outside my school, and now in the classroom.

I stumbled out of my seat like a bullet being fired, it was Taeyong who loaded the gun. My legs hit the legs of the chair as I nervously left my desk. I looked to my right and I could see Lucas holding in his laughter. I practically ran out of the classroom. I felt a bulge forming in my pants. My dick was getting so hard. I barged into the bathroom, breathing heavily, and locked myself in the stall furthest away and against the wall. I slumped on the toilet. My hormones were raging.

_Lee Taeyong._

I ran my hands through my hair. There was no way that I could ignore this feeling. I had to jerk off, I couldn't go back to class like that and make even more of a fool out of myself. I unzipped my trousers, slipped down my boxers, grabbed my dick, and started to masturbate. It had been such a long time... I felt so disgusting. I had only done this one time before, when I was incredibly drunk and horny in some dingy nightclub, on a night where alcohol was flowing through my bloodstream, where the charcoal, burnt out taste of cigarette smoke on my tongue made me sick, where sweaty bodies were grinding together to the bassy music, the strobe lights flashing, my vision blurring, nothing really making any sense.

It bothered me that now wasn't one of those times. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't under the influence of anything. I was under the influence of Lee Taeyong.

Up and down. Faster and faster. I held in my moans by biting my lip.

_Lee Taeyong._

I arched my back, letting the pleasure flow over and through me.

_Lee Taeyong._

I could feel it coming like how you can smell the air is different when you know it is going to rain. I felt it coming like a train hurtling towards the end of the line, ready to explode.

_Lee Taeyong._

I let out a final moan, and I ejaculated in my hands, spreading my legs to make sure I didn't get any of my seed on my pants. I breathed heavily, I was sweating rather profusely, and I ripped open the top few buttons of my shirt. I was somewhat relieved. Thank god the bathroom was still empty. I wiped my hand with toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet as if that would somehow cleanse what had just unfolded. I just jerked off to a guy. I just jerked off to someone I didn't know, purely based on their appearance, that I hadn't met before until about 45 minutes ago, who asked me for directions and lead to refill his goddamned mechanical pencil. I freaked out so much you'd think that he asked me to give him a blowjob there and then.

Up I got, gathered what little resolve lay within me, and returned to class like nothing had happened.

At lunch, I sat with my friends Lucas, Mark and Chittaphon. He hates his name so instead, we call him Ten, by his request.

"I'm not even going to talk about what happened with that Taeyong kid in class." Lucas smiled, obviously mocking me. I tucked into my food, brushing him off.

"So, guys... party at mine this weekend! My parents are going away for three days. I'm inviting everyone. Girls included." Lucas winked.

"Is that all you care about?" ten remarked sassily.

"No. I'm just a healthy teenage boy ready to explore my sexuality." Lucas smiled that typical, mischievous Lucas smile. Wide and unwavering.

My eyes wandered around the cafeteria and landed on Taeyong, sitting alone. I felt sorry for him but there is no way I would go up to him. That's just the way it is for new kids at this school. I saw some guys whispering and looking over at him. Maybe there was a reason he was sitting alone.

"You know the new kid? Turns out his dad is in the mafia. That must be why no-one is going near him." Mark said randomly while eyeing him over his shoulder.   
I nearly choked on my food.

"The Mafia!? Geez. I wouldn't want to mess with him. You could end up with some big guy pointing a gun at your head for calling him an idiot." Lucas made a gun with his fingers and pointed it at my head. Ten looked at Mark and laughed.

"Probably best to keep our distance, then," I added.

We all finished our food, said goodbye, and returned to class. I sat in history, reading my textbook, burying myself in it. My final class of the day was English. I loved English more than words could explain. I loved poetry and all of the different texts we got to study. Well, it turns out Taeyong was in my mathematics  _and_  my English class.

Because of the nature of the English lessons, the tables were put into groups of four. I sat at the very corner, the very edge of the classroom. Taeyong walked in and my hands started to sweat. He must have recognised me from this morning because he came right over to me.

Before he sat down, he placed my pacer down in front of me and I looked up at him apprehensively.

"Thank you," he said simply.

"You're welcome." I managed.

"I never got your name," he said as he sat down next to me, pulling his books out of his backpack.   
"Jung Jaehyun," I said, barely above a whisper.   
"Whats wrong? The cat got your tongue?"

"Jung Jaehyun," I said it again, this time hopefully loud enough for him to hear.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Jaehyun."

For some reason, I loved the way he said my name, the way I could see his lips form shapes to say my name. It seemed so foreign coming out of his mouth, like listening to a song for the first time. We sat next to each other in an awkward silence. The teacher walked in a few minutes late.

"Okay, open your books to page 45. We will be reading the love song of J Alfred Prufrock by T.S Eliot. Is anyone familiar with this poem?" The teacher looked around the classroom and two people raised their hands.

"Great. I won't pick on you to read, then." He smiled and a few people laughed.

I wasn't paying attention the whole lesson. The air in the class was warm, it had gotten progressively hotter throughout the day into the afternoon. The last cicadas representing the lingering remnants of summer sung their song and people around me hung their jackets on their seat. The ceiling fans above me spun slowly and hummed, not really making the room cooler, just pathetically circulating the hot air.

Some of my class members stood up to read stanzas of the poem. I kept my head down, trying not to look at Taeyongs's face, but I secretly admired the way the bones of his fingers moved under his flesh when he made notes in his book, his protruding veins and delicate fingers.

"Jaehyun, take it from here."

"What?" I said, caught by surprise.   
"Take it from here. Stanza 4, 3 lines down. Pay attention. Your essays aren't going to write themselves." He commented, humiliating me in front of the whole class. I cleared my throat and stood up on my shaky legs.

_"there will be time, there will be time_   
_to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;_   
_there will be time to murder and create,_   
_and time for all the works and days of hands_   
_that lift and drop a question on your plate..."_

I could feel Taeyong looking up at me. My cheeks were naturally getting red because I hated speaking in front of people. I hated the silent scrutiny. I hated how I wasn't in control of people's reactions. Even in a small class with boys that I had seen around the school hundreds of times.

_"time for you and time for me,_   
_and time yet for a hundred indecisions,_   
_and for a hundred visions and revisions,_   
_before the taking of toast and tea."_

"Thank you, Jaehyun." The teacher thanked me and I sat down as quickly as I could, with a bit of a thud.

"What do you think that the poet is trying to convey in this stanza?" The teacher sat down on the corner of his desk. I liked him, Mr Yang. He was always cool and relaxed. The afternoon light shone in from the windows, the shadow of the leaves of the trees creating a beautiful pattern, dancing on the wall as the mild wind made them sway gently.

Taeyong's hand shot up. I was shocked as I didn't really consider him the type to participate in lessons at all. Mr Yang nodded at Taeyong prompting him to speak.

"He is putting on a face, a facade. Someone who isn't really him. He's sick of his boring, monotonous life and his boring social context. He has too much time on his hands. He thinks too much."

I felt like he was talking about me.

"Correct, that's very good... What was your name, sorry?"

"Lee Taeyong," he said clearly confidently.

We read the rest of the poem. Taeyong was reading ahead and taking his own notes. Did he like poetry too? Or was he just super smart and dedicated to his studies?

After we finished the poem and made some of our own notes, the bell rang. Thank god it was time to go home, it was one of those days that seemed never-ending, a day where a second felt like three, the clock couldn't seem to tick fast enough. I slid all of my things into my bag and escaped the classroom as quickly as possible. 


	3. DREAD

On that particular day, I decided to get the bus home. I was not willing to risk running into Taeyong again on the train. The bus ride home was peaceful, the sound of my heels clicking on the concrete on my quiet street was comforting and reminded me of simpler times. When I reached my house, I grabbed my keys out of the pocket and opened the door. I kicked off my shoes and dropped my schoolbag in the entryway. It was my first day of school, and I was already dreading every day to come. 

"I'm home!" I yelled through the house. No reply. Most teenage boys would love to come home to an empty house. No one to answer to, no one to knock on their door and demand that they study. Ideally, they would like to go home, have a wank, consume all of the food in the fridge, and go to sleep. Let me tell you, it gets old after years of solitude.

My mother and sister died in a car crash when I was the meagre age of eight years old. I was so young... I don't think I really grasped the concept that neither my mother or sister were not coming back until about a year later. The door never opened. Mom didn't come back from work. My sister never returned from school. That was it. They were snatched from me so ungracefully... I always avoided thinking about it.

Since then, my father became a workaholic and an alcoholic. It's obscure that his bad habits are mutually exclusive. He would come home drunk beyond comprehension and pass out in the entryway, or come home and hit me. It just depended on the day. Sometimes he would come home and I would be sitting on the couch, watching tv, and he wouldn't even see me there. I think I was dead to him as well. Sometimes he would come over and hug me and tell him that he loved me and that he was sorry for being so absent in my life, and that he would try to get sober and be more of a father to me. That never came to fruition because the cycle evidently repeated over and over again. He was as predictable as the four seasons.

To avoid these situations, I stayed in my bedroom. As soon as I turned 18, I bought a lock and drilled it into my wall to provide me at least some physical protection against my father's emotional instability and neurotic tendencies. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed enough food to last me the night, grabbed my bag, and walked upstairs.

I opened the door to my dismal little room, my bed tucked in the corner, books lying everywhere, and my desk scattered with scrunched up paper and empty cigarette packets. I did not have the mental capacity to even open a book that afternoon. I ripped my uniform off, threw it lazily on the floor and slumped on my bed. I closed my eyes, and all I could think about was Lee Taeyong and how exhausted I was.

I made a decision there and then to avoid him at all costs. If I had to talk to him, I would be calm and keep it impersonal. I couldn't let him ruin my school year and my grades along with it. I had to get into a good university, far away from Seoul if I were to escape my life that was remarkably unsatisfactory. If every day mirrored today, there was no way that I would even pass maths and English. I had to be very vigilant.

I closed my eyes and let the sweet unconsciousness of dreamless sleep consume me.

~~~~~~

 _Crash_.

I was jolted awake by the sound of glass smashing downstairs.  _My father was home_. I went downstairs to see if he was okay, to see if he fell. I peeked down through the stair railings and saw him throwing every valuable piece of china or house decorations he could get his hands on. He was violently throwing them against the wall in a drunken stupor. I ran nearly tripped as I ran down the steps in an attempt to stop him.

"Oh, JAE! how  _nice_  to see you!" he said in a falsely kind tone. "Your fuckin' mother decorated this house. I always fucking hated this vase!" he signalled around him, opening his arms wide and looking around our house with sheer disgust. He picked up the vase and hurled it towards me. It crashed into the wall beside me, and cut my forehead and my shoulder. I winced in pain and inhaled sharply. So, this is what I was dealing with tonight. Part of me told me to go back up to my room, and another part of me told me to stop him before things escalated further.

"Dad, stop. you're drunk!" I paced over to him and grabbed his shoulders, careful not to step on any shards of glass.   
"Don't tell me what I am and what I'm not!" He slurred and spat.

He threw a slow, weak punch at me which I easily dodged. I was fighting a losing battle. I shook my head and went back up to my room, holding my bleeding shoulder. If he wanted to ruin everything that reminded me of my mother, the only remnants I had left of her in the fucking house, who was I to stop him? I slammed my door angrily and slid my lock into place. He probably wouldn't even remember anything that he had done in the morning.

I walked into my ensuite and pressed some tissue against my eyebrow.  _Fantastic_ , I thought. The cut was pretty deep but all I could do is put some disinfectant in it and protect it with a band-aid. I did the same with my shoulder. I looked at myself in the mirror and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of sheer existential dread.

My eyes welled up with tears when I thought about the state of my life. I squeezed my eyes together a salty tear rolled down my cheek. I cleaned up any blood on my pale skin and buried myself under my covers yet again. I could hear my father throwing our things all over the place. Not our things, or his things, rather, my mother's things. More tears ensued. I slept lightly throughout the night, tossing and turning, begging for the morning to come, begging for the relief of daylight to grace my portion of this earth, to rise over the horizon and drown out any darkness of the night before.

I woke up to an empty house, of course. I took a shower, put on my creased uniform, attempted to tame my bedhead, and left the house without having any breakfast. I didn't look at the mess that my father had made the night before, I knew that when I got home from school I was to be the one to clean it up. I felt embarrassed about my cut eye, I would have to make up some bullshit excuse for my injury and act like a feral cat attacked me or something.

I walked through the school gates with my head down. I walked all the way to school because I left early enough. It took about 45 minutes, but of course, I didn't want to run even the slightest chance of seeing Taeyong on the train. I entered the school gates and successfully avoided everyone. I sat down in my first class of the day, English. I was about 15 minutes early. Taeyong was already sitting in the same spot as yesterday.

"Hi," he said in a rather monotone voice. He sipped from his iced coffee with a straw, making an annoying slurping sound, disrupting the tranquillity of the otherwise empty classroom.

I stood at the threshold of the classroom, unable to move. I was contemplating whether I should sit next to him or not. If I avoided him, it would make it look too intentional. If I sat down next to him, I could look desperate and attached. If I sat down next to him and didn't make eye contact, it would show that I was unbothered by him, yet not scared to be in his presence. I overthought everything as usual. And I did just as I told myself.

I sat down next to him, in the same place as yesterday, without even looking at him. I wasn't going to start any conversation, nor was I willing to, even though it wasn't very polite. But after yesterday's incident, being polite wasn't particularly on my repertoire.

"What happened to your eye?" he said while gawking at me, trying to get a better look at my face while I was turning away, attempting to conceal my injury with my hand.

"I uh, ran into... a tree. The branch cut my eye."

 _Apparently, I'm scrapping the whole feral cat scenario;_ I thought.

"You're not a very good liar, Jung Jaehyun."

"It's not really any of your business," I said bluntly.

"Alrighty then." He brushed me off without making it a big deal. Thank god. "I love T.S Eliot. His poetry is great... Probably one of my favourites." He added as he ran his fingers over the title of the book before him. I had never been so jealous of a book before.

"Yeah."

"Not much of a talker either, I see."

"No, I am. Just not to people I don't really know."

He raised his eyebrows at my apparent rudeness. He smiled at me fondly. I felt like he could see right through me.

More people filtered into the classroom and before I knew it, the lesson started.

"Listen up boys. This terms assignment will be a group task. To make matters less complicated, you will be paired with the person next to you. You are to write an essay on one of Eliot's poems and how he explores themes such as terrifying isolation. I will email you the assignment sheet."

I rolled my eyes.

 _Great. Just great_ , I thought. Now we were forced to spend even more time together.

"Lucky me," he said under his breath, mocking me.

We sat through the rest of the lesson in silence, listening to the teacher lecture us and taking the occasional note. As soon as the bell rang, I got up from my seat.

"Maybe we should meet up at your place after school to work on the assignment. I'm the type of person that likes to get things done as soon as possible. Are you free this afternoon?"

"What? It's not due for three weeks." I stated.   
"Did you hear me? I'd like to get it done as soon as possible. I don't want my work to build up."   
"I don't really think it's possible today. Why don't we go to the library?" I tried to make up an excuse, stuttering as I did so.   
"The library is filled with juniors singing music and playing games... I know that you're free, it's a Tuesday. I don't want my grades to be held back by you. I'll meet you outside the gates after school... See you there, Jung Jaehyun." He didn't even give me any time to retort. He slung his bag over one of his shoulders and walked away. I started to hate how he called me by my full name like I was some kind of infidel compared to him, like a little kid. It was patronising. I was starting to freak out. There was shit everywhere in my house, including shattered glass, and I didn't even look at the damage this morning... I couldn't tell him what happened without revealing too much about myself, which was something I swore against earlier.

At lunchtime, I found my group and sat down with Ten, Lucas and Mark. I greeted them with a sincere smile. I was so glad to see them as it provided me with somewhat of an escape. Or so I thought.

"So... I spoke to that Taeyong kid! Turns out he's a really cool guy. He's trialling for our basketball team! AND I invited him to my party on the weekend! I told him to find us here to sit with us." Lucas chirped. I felt a lump form in my throat. Typical. Fucking. Lucas. Always making friends, always being social, never really considering other people.   
"Lucas, did you forget about his father?" Mark leaned in and looked around, making sure no one overheard him.   
"He doesn't have anything against us." Lucas retorted.   
"... yet." Ten added as he rolled his eyes and looked down at his phone.

Taeyong entered the cafeteria and pulled his earphones out of his ears upon seeing us. He must have spotted Lucas's tall physique and he strolled over to us. He sat down and pulled his lunch out from his bag.   
"Hey, guys. Thanks for inviting me, Lucas." He smiled. Mark and Ten said hello kindly. Ten was eyeing Taeyong up and down. That was the first time I had seen him smile sincerely. He had nice teeth. He was acting all timid and innocent.   
"Hey! No problem! How do you like Seoul Grammar so far?" Lucas smiled and looked at him intently.   
"It's interesting... its big. It's easy to get lost but I'm sure I'll get used to it," he said as he tucked into his lunch.   
"Have you met Jaehyun?" Mark inquired.  
"Yeah," he said casually. "He's in my Maths and English class. We're working on an assignment together this afternoon, actually." His atmosphere had completely changed around my friends. It seemed rather fake.   
Ten laughed. "Haha, good luck with Jaehyunie! He goes home and plays games all night and still gets alright grades!"  
"Hey, I do not! Maybe in tenth grade, yeah. But not now!" I blurted, I hated how even Ten was making a fool out of me in front of Taeyong. I just couldn't win.   
"Calm down... It was a joke." Ten scoffed and shifted in his seat.

It was like some divine force was altering the course of events and peoples actions with the intention of pulling us together. I could not escape Lee Taeyong.

"Oh..." I forced a laugh. The bell rang and saved me.  _Thank god._

I sat in my last class of the day, Social Studies, without saying or doing anything. All the teacher did was write an activity that we were meant to complete on the board, and sat at her desk on her laptop, filing her nails and probably watching a KDrama. I put my head on the desk and plugged my earphones in, and listened to the same damn song on repeat. Some random kid tapped my shoulder when the bell rang. I paced through the halls, contemplating whether I should go and meet Taeyong at the gates. I couldn't just leave him there. I had to suck it up. There I saw him from the third-floor window, on his phone, looking around him at various faces. I walked as slowly as possible down the stairs to the quad and took a deep breath before emerging from the darkness of the stairwell into the daylight.

I walked up to him as casually as possible.

"Hey. Let's go." He said coldly as he walked off in front of me towards the train station. I envied his ability to remain emotionless and unbothered.

* **In Jaehyun's neighbourhood***

We walked out of the hot, bustling train station in silence. We walked to my house in an even more deafening silence. We were close together, occasionally bumping into each other's shoulders. I looked over at him for a second at a time, allowing myself to steal a look at him. Albeit, I searched my bank of excuses to try and find a practical way to avoid the situation, but I simply couldn't find an answer that wouldn't sound painfully obvious.

I obtained my keys and opened the front door and took a deep breath. Lee Taeyong was in my fucking house. He took his shoes off and hung his school blazer on the coat stand, revealing his lean, veiny arms. I put on my slippers. I couldn't offer him a pair because I didn't have any. I wasn't used to visitors. My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest.

"Let's go upstairs," I said in a panicked attempted to avert his attention away from the disaster my father made in the kitchen and living room.

"What the fuck happened here?" Taeyong marvelled.

_Oh shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit_ _._


	4. IGNITE

"What the fuck happened here?" Taeyong marvelled.

"Oh, fuck! My cat! She must have been frightened or something."

"Wow. You're really a bad liar. You've told me two lies today." He said while observing the mess. "Does your cat have the ability to throw a vase against the wall?" he added smugly.

My eyes traced over the kitchen, and what I saw will stay with me forever. My mother's urn had been shattered, her cremated remains were all over the place. I covered my mouth in shock. I ran over to her ashes.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Taeyong yelled.

"My mother!" I scooped up her ashes in my hands. "BASTARD!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Taeyong jumped in fright. I was so fucking angry... Taeyong ran and put his shoes back on so he wouldn't cut his feet, and he paced over to me, the shards crunching beneath his soles. He grabbed my waist and pulled me up. I flailed out of his grip and punched the wall behind him. I fell a stinging sensation on my knuckles.

"What happened here?"

"This is why I didn't want you to come," I said as I clenched my jaw.

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"What, tell a stranger that my dad fucking raged last night and destroyed everything of value in this home? Yeah, that's fucking cool." I fumed. I clenched my fists. this could not be happening.

"You came across as a daisy fresh guy. I didn't expect...  _this_." he conceded while widening his eyes and looking at the disaster.   
"Hah... just... leave. Fucking leave. You've made enough of a fool out of me already. Just fucking go!"

A fire consumed every fibre of my being. I was embarrassed, enraged and emotional simultaneously.

**_Taeyong's POV_ **

"Let's just go back to my house" I suggested.

"No. I have to clean this up." he snapped.

"Do you really think you're in a place to clean this up right now? You'll cut yourself. Why won't you just come?" I practically begged. I felt really sorry for him.

He looked at his feet, and then around his house in mute contemplation as if the walls held some kind of answer or explanation to this situation.

"I have to be back by 9."

"Why? To feed your cat?"

"Don't fucking push it, asshole."

I put my hands up as if I was surrendering to him. "I was just trying to be funny."

"Don't you have to tell your parents?" He changed the topic. His eyes were dark and his veins were expanded in his neck.

"They won't care."

That's because they didn't live with me. That's because they didn't care about me. I lived alone. Alone in this world, left alone in the darkness. I could rot and starve to death and it would be ages until someone found me. Jaehyun might be a bit of a freak, but then again, so was I. It was evident that we were both equally damaged, both a bit foolish.

I felt an abstractive sort of connection to Jaehyun after learning that his mother had died. I felt like my mother had died too. She may as well have been in an urn, cremated, reduced to dust. at least I would be able to talk to her without her complaining or yelling.

Jaehyun grabbed his jacket and his schoolbag. He locked the front door with shaky hands. His fingers were still covered in ash. I called a cab, wanting to get home and out of this situation as quickly as possible.

"We can walk." he urged as he observed me dialling the cab service.

"I can't be fucked."

When the cab arrived, we both sat in the back. I told the driver my address, and minutes into our trip it started to rain. Jaehyun looked out the window solemnly and clutched his schoolbag to his chest. It was the first time that I was getting a good look at his face without him looking away nervously. He really was beautiful. His face was nicely sculpted, his skin clear as a cloudless day. He had a sort of poetic, prince-like beauty about him. The corners of his lips were slightly upturned when he was expressionless. He had beautiful shapely lips, the centre of his top lip protruding slightly. His nose was perfectly straight, and curved in nicely at the tip. He had small, delicate ears. His fringe fell just above his eyes. He had a nice jawline and high cheekbones. His lips were naturally a light shade of peach. He had creases under his eyes. He had monolids which made his gaze very intense, yet he had large pupils and dark brown eyes. His face was so symmetrical like it had been formulated by an artist and brought into this world through a paintbrush.

I knew that I was gay. I always liked boys. It was something that I admitted to myself last year. I had no compulsion towards girls whatsoever. Even if they frothed over me, confessed to me, and practically threw themselves at me, I would not act upon it.

The first time I kissed a boy was in 10th grade. We were in the locker rooms at lunchtime. He was my best friend at the time. He never talked to me again after that. I was so hurt... It broke me in two clear pieces; the emotional and the logical. I won't forget how he looked at me when I pulled away from the kiss. He looked disgusted even though he kissed me back. In the reflection of his eyes, I saw a monster. Something inside of me died that day. Since then, conversations about my real sexuality have been avoided. I'll say that I like girls. I'll say that I've fucked one before. If it means social acceptance, lying is a necessary evil.

Since then, it feels like my life has become a sort of play, an act, a show. Living out the life of someone who isn't really me, just an image of what everyone wants me to be. Cool, calm, composed. Unemotional. The last time I showed my true emotions, it bit me in the ass. It was a sheer and utter exercise in futility, not to mention painfully counterproductive. Why would i do that to myself again?

The cab pulled up outside my house, and Jaehyun and I got out and he followed my lead as we stepped outside into the dark, crying sky, and ran onto the porch. I quickly punched in the key code, and opened the door, letting him go in before me.

"I'm so tired. We still have to do the assignment."

"Let's go to my room."

Jaehyun walked up the stairs rather slowly.

I opened the door to my room and Jaehyun followed me in. I always liked to keep things neat so I never had to apologise for the mess, even though nobody had ever been in my house before. He dumped his bag on the floor.

"Wow. You sure are neat. You'd die if you saw my room."

"Probably a good thing we came here then. So, the assignment..." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, the atmosphere was suddenly so serious after a brief episode of tense emotion.

"I'll read the rest of the poems and you get started by writing an introduction to the poem we read in class?" He suggested.

"Great." I agreed.

We both got our things out, and Jaehyun lied down on my bed, holding the book above him as he started to read. I turned my back on him to face my desk and got started.

About 15 minutes of silence passed.

"I'm done. how does this-"

I spun around on my desk chair and jaehyun was fast asleep.

"...sound." I finished.

This sounds creepy, but I sat and watched him for a moment. I watched his chest rising and falling, the way his hair effortlessly flopped onto my pillow he had claimed. He looked so peaceful. I turned around and got stuck into finishing the assignment. It was probably better that he fell asleep as I was always one who worked best alone.

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I forced my heavy eyelids open. It was completely dark outside, the rain was still pattering on the windows. How rude of me, passing out asleep in his house?

I heard a shower stop and movement in the ensuite. The door opened to a wet Taeyong with a towel around his waist. The light behind him created a silhouette of his body, illuminating the flyaway hairs on his head.

"Good morning," he said sarcastically.

"Hi." I said in a monotone voice without really thinking, as I was too busy observing Taeyong's body. He was lean and bony in a good way. He had a tiny waist, it was almost dainty like a girl. I snapped out of his spell.

"I best be going. Sorry about the assignment." I faked a smile. I noticed something was missing in this equation. "Where are your parents?"

"You can stay here. it's late."

"Whats the time?"

"About 10:30."

"Shit. I gotta get home." I uttered as if my dad would really care or notice if I was gone.

"You can't go home to that."

He was looking down on me, his broad shoulders and his stature, in general, was domineering.

"It's a school night."

"It's a good thing we go to the same school then, and its a good thing you have your uniform."

I paused for a few seconds. "Fine." I relented.

He smiled, satisfied. He walked back into the bathroom and came out wearing nothing but a pair of grey pyjama pants. He opened his wardrobe and got out a towel and some spare clothes. He placed them on the bed.

"Have a shower."

"Thanks." I got up with a bit of a grunt and shuffled into the bathroom. I closed the door and rested my back on it and tilted my head back. I saw his uniform hanging up on a hook opposite me. I walked over to it. I couldn't help what I was about to do. I grabbed it in my hands and inhaled his aroma, his beautiful scent. I closed my eyes. He smelt like safety. He smelt like warmth. He smelt like an escape from my boring and monotonous life, my alcoholic father, my mother's ashes scattered on the floor and stuck in between the floorboards. I placed it back on the hook reluctantly and sighed. I stripped, stepped into the shower and turned on the taps. I let the hot water cleanse my body after an excruciatingly long, rollercoaster of a day.

After 10 minutes, I got out of the shower and ran the towel over my body gently. I caught a look at myself in the mirror, the scar on my eyebrow looked crusty and gross. I shook my head and put on my pyjamas. They fit perfectly, they were a little short at the ankles but I wasn't one to fuss. He didn't give me a shirt. Bastard. I hung the towel over the shower railing and walked out. I crossed my arms over my chest, attempting to conceal as much of my body as possible. Taeyong was sitting on his bed, reading a book. He looked up at me, and scanned me up and down.

"I guess I'll be sleeping on the couch."

"I don't have cooties."

Taeyong moved aside, making more space for me on the bed. He patted it and smirked cheekily. The bed was indeed big enough for both of us. He put his book behind him on the bedhead. He didn't take his eyes off me.

"The couch is fine. Can I have a blanket please?"

"It's cold downstairs. Plus my parents might come home."

I sighed.

Tentatively and hesitantly I lay down next to him, keeping my arms crossed. I even crossed my legs. I was lying on the very edge of the bed.

He sat up and sat cross-legged, his abs flexing under his thin skin. His arm moved over to mine, and he placed a bony hand on my left arm. He uncrossed my arms and put them at my side. I blushed and looked down. He laughed.

"Why are you so self-conscious?"

"I'm not."

"J _ust not to people_ _you_ _don't really know_?" He quoted me from earlier.

"Don't be smart. You didn't even give me a shirt." I sneered, in attempt to hide my nerves.

"What dude in this world sleeps with a shirt on?" He challenged.

His fingers moved up to the scar on my shoulder. He ran two fingers along the outside of my cut so gently, like the touch of a butterfly. I flinched.

"What are you doing?" I asked, coming across too worried, which would probably just make him even more curious.

"I'm just touching you."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I just... feel like it," he said while looking straight into my eyes.


	5. DREAM/REALITY

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

"I dunno. I just... Feel like it."

"Hey... Why don't you tell me a bit about your dad, considering what happened today. I think I'm owed a proper explanation."

"I don't really like to talk about it. He just drinks a lot of alcohol and goes batshit crazy. He goes straight to the bar after work... He probably drinks at work as well. He blows a large portion of his money on alcohol, not the cheap shit either. He's got a lotta problems." I scratched my head.

Taeyong leaned in closer to me. I could feel his warm breath against my ear.

"So... That's it?" He whispered while he leaned into me, resting his body weight on his hands, concaving his back. 

"M-my mother... She died in a car crash... That's what fucked him up." I uttered. He cupped my face and ran his thumb over my cheek. I kept looking straight ahead of me, not really willing to process or accept what was unfolding.

"That's so sad..." he whispered. "I'm so sorry." He added.

He pressed his nose into my cheek followed his lips as his face moved upwards, his soft lips just gently crazing over my skin. My breathing deepened.

"Don't be sorry," I said as I froze.

He moved my head with gentle fingers to face his. I couldn't help but look down at his lips, his ethereal lips.

"Jung Jaehyun..." he murmured. "Touch me," he ordered.

"No." I shook my head nervously.

"Okay then." He smiled and snapped back to his original position on the bed.

 _What the actual fuck was that?_ I thought.

"Tell me about your parents then," I asked, averting the topic back to him.

"Well, they're absolute pieces of shit. I don't see them. They act like I don't exist. Like me being born was an accident." Taeyong lamented glumly, as he looked down and twiddled his thumbs.

"You're not an accident. Some people are just bad parents."

"I think you and I have a lot more in common than you think," he suggested.

"Our parents are fucked up... That's practically it."

"Our parents are fucked up which in turn made us the people that we are. Our lifestyles are comparable because of that." 

"You don't have to be like your parents. You can live separately from them."

"What a fucking joke. You know what's in stall for me in my future? I'll be taking over my father's position when he's old and decrepit. As soon as I leave school ill be joining the mafia, like some kind of underling, some kind of slave."

"You're kidding... Why don't you just get out of here?"

"I'm not one for wishful thinking."

We sat in silence, reflecting on what we just shared between us.

"You don't have to do what your father wants you to do. You can change it. I assume you're going to be an adult soon. You can change the course of your life, you know. You're in control."

"All of this fabric of life motivational 'look at me I have all the answers' bullshit, save it for someone else. I've heard it all before." He snapped.

"I was just trying to help."

"Look at yourself, Jaehyun. Maybe you should take your own advice." He turned his back to the wall. "I'm going to sleep." He added. he pulled the covers up over us and switched off his bedlamp.

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

_There was a man before me, blindfolded and gagged, tied up to a chair. My father had captured him and tortured him a few days ago. I wasn't there to see that, but he made it abundantly clear about what he did to the man._

_"Taeyong... pull the trigger. Be a man. If you don't do this, I'll disown you. You'll live on the streets. I'll make your life a living hell. I'll make sure of it myself."_

_"But father... He didn't do anything bad to me!"_

_"Yes, he did! He stole from us, he begged and borrowed and stole from us, he lied to us. Therefore he also lied to you. He took us for idiots thinking that he could get away with what he did." My father strolled over to me with a loaded gun in his hand. He forced me to take it._

_"Now shoot him," he added intensely through clenched teeth, as his face grew closer to mine_

_"No... no." I squeaked, my voice cracking. I stood up to him. I finally stood up to him. I didnt want to be his puppet. He slapped me across the face. I felt warm blood trickle out of my nose. I gasped in pain. I pushed him back away from me, creating as much distance between him and me as possible._

_He grabbed me by the collar and pushed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and started to cry._

_"BE A FUCKIN MAN TAEYONG! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING LIFE!" He yelled in my face with his spit landing on my cheeks. He thought it was a rite of passage in the mafia to murder someone. I clenched my eyes shut. "You can shut your eyes all you want but this isn't going to go away..." He grimaced._

_He grabbed my shoulders roughly and turned me around to face his captive. He positioned himself behind me and grabbed the gun, holding his hands over mine. I was wriggling in his tenacious grip. I felt like I was going to pass out. This was too much for me to handle._

_"Now shoot him." He said softly into my ear, his face emerging from over my shoulder. I breathed quickly and shivered. My whole body was shaking, from my cranium to the tips of my toes, every nerve and cell within me was as terrified as the next._

_"No! I cant do it! I'm not going to do it!" I tried to escape his grasp once again, but that only made him hold me tighter. His underlings in the background were laughing at my display of weakness._

_"Do it. Do it now."_

_"No! No! NO!" I screamed and cried, my tears were merging with my sweat on my moist face._

_"NO! NO!"_

"TAEYONG!" I felt my shoulder being shaken by a tender hand.

I jumped awake and shot up in my bed, pushing myself against the wall right into the corner in sheer fright, crying, sweating. I felt a hand on my arm, and I pushed it away in a fright alongside a weak scream.

"It's me, idiot." jaehyun croaked, his voice indicating that he must have been in a deep sleep.

Jaehyun turned on my lamp and I was greeted with a concerned face. My heart was racing, I was breathing so very heavily, and I was soaked in sweat. I felt confused and delirious.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Jaehyun puzzled with furrowed eyebrows and lips parted in shock.

"My father!" I shrieked as I covered my mouth with my hands and attempted to contain my cries, and pulled my legs up to my chest and held them tightly.

"What?"

"I nearly killed someone!"

"Relax! What's going on?! Killed who?... What?"

"I THINK I KILLED HIM JAEHYUN I KILLED HIM I..." I gripped my hair as my crying became more fervent, and almost tore it out. That dream did not feel like a dream, it was as real as a memory. It felt so real, I could still see it, smell it, I could taste the sweat and blood on my upper lip. So, my nose really was bleeding.

I had a hard time distinguishing what was real and what wasn't. I touched my nose and held my hand into the light, and there was bright red blood on my fingers. I looked up at jaehyun.

"He did hit me..."

"Nobody hit you. It was just a bad dream."

"No! It was real I swear!"

"No Taeyong... Nothing happened. It's okay." He softened and smiled in an attempt to comfort me. It worked. I had a box of tissues on my bedhead, he pulled one out of the box and cleaned up my bloody nose. "You must have just burst a capillary, that's all," he added. I looked at him intently. He looked like a knight in shining armour.

I steadied my breathing as he patted a tissue on my forehead, absorbing droplets of sweat.

"Come here," Jaehyun said. He lay down and put his arm out, signalling for me to lay down next to him. I nestled into him, and I rested my head on his chest. I was still sort of sweaty but I don't think either of us really cared. I could feel his heart beating steadily, the comforting rhythm made me calm down further. A few stray tears rolled down over my nose and onto his chest. He lifted his free arm up and I felt his hand on my head, and he ran his long fingers over and through my hair. I parted my lips and ran them over his skin, letting out a sigh of relief that I was safe, everything was fine, it was fine.

Somehow, the image of my memory, my dream, my premonition, whatever it was, faded alongside coming into contact with him.

"Go to sleep," he said softly.

I took care of him. Now he was taking care of me.

An eye for an eye.

~

When I woke up, my leg was over him and my head was still on his chest. My blanket was resting just below Jaehyun's hips. He was still lying flat on his back, he hadn't moved all damn night. His arms were still around me. He was asleep but his grip felt unwavering and firm. I let my eyes stay closed, unwilling to face the day. I felt emotionally exhausted. Faint images of the scene that occurred the night before swirled around my jaded brain. I moved my body closer to him, and I moved my leg further across his long, slim body, pressing my dick against his thigh. His body was so long and so comforting, his abs and arm muscles were sublime. They weren't just pretty, they were perfect, like some kind of rare, natural phenomena like bioluminescence or the aurora borealis.

_I cant do this. I cant do this again. Not again._

I got out of bed, climbing over Jaehyun as quietly as possible. I had a shower, got dressed, and checked the time. It was 6:30 am but I decided that I would leave for school so that I would not be seen with Jaehyun. We were meant to be working on an assignment, and we practically did everything aside from that. I saw his mothers ashes and learnt about his abusive father. I revealed too much about my father and my lifestyle. I felt an affliction towards him. An affliction, a gravitational pull that must be suppressed. If he was a black hole, then I was a dying star sinking into him, travelling along the distorted fabric of spacetime, whether i wanted to or not, to be completely and utterly consumed by him. His gravity would shed my layers, shred me apart.

_I won't let it happen._

I didn't want to have to reflect on things that I knew I would regret. I regretted displaying weakness to him, being so fucking weak, like a baby, cuddling up to him like my life depended on it. I am afraid that one day I will lose control again, that the real me will emerge, the one who is passionate, loving, caring...

 _I won't let it happen_ , I repeated to myself.

I thought that the feeling of magnetism that I felt towards jaehyun could be suppressed like any other emotion. I thought it could be reigned in with chains and shut away with venom sealing the locks. I thought it would come and go as fast as happiness did, and I thought that it could be suppressed as easily as sadness. 

It's a shame that love is different. I was in love. The way that he touched me early in the morning like he actually cared about me, the way that I could tell that he was nervous made me sickly excited. I was overwhelmed by this embarrassing feeling of lust on the train ride towards Seoul. Lust and love? Whats the difference? they're as easily confused as dreams and reality.


	6. INTOXICATION

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I woke up to an empty bed. I looked around the entire house for Taeyong but he was nowhere to be seen. I began searching for a note, there was nothing. He must have had an early class. I went back upstairs to check my timetable in my uniform jacket, and my first class was maths. He was in my maths class. Okay, so no early class. Yesterday he said that we would go to school together. Maybe he didn't want to be seen with me to make things suspicious. He's right. It would be annoying to explain to Lucas and all my other friends if they saw us arrive at school together.

It was Friday. School commenced midweek because that's just the way the calender worked this semester. Lucas was having his party that night.

I pulled my school uniform over my head and changed into my trousers. I grabbed a yoghurt from Taeyong's fridge and walked out the door without even checking a mirror. I found the nearest bus stop and caught a bus to the train station, and then went to school from there. I found myself looking around at all the anonymous commuters attempting to find his face.

When I arrived at school I found my group of Lucas, Ten and Mark. I walked up to them and sat down on a metal picnic table they were occupying.

"Hey Jaehyunie! Are you excited for tonight? I can feel it in my bones, boys. This is gonna be a good one." Lucas rubbed his hands together and smirked. The rest of our gang laughed in agreement. I couldn't help but smile at their childish scheming.

"Yeah. It's gonna be good. I'm excited." I sort of lied. I was just excited to get drunk. I had just turned 18 so I could finally enjoy alcohol - legally. I liked to drink. I drank for the pure intention of getting drunk. I didn't drink to enjoy it.

"I've had my eye on this girl... She catches my bus and I was going to ask her if she was free tonight."

"Keep dreaming." Ten teased. We all laughed.

"Mark, relax! You have an ultimate wingman over here! I'll introduce you to a few girls tonight." Lucas smiled and patted Mark's back, his large hands almost taking up half of it. I admired Lucas's confidence in himself. He did have a lot to be confident about.

As I was sitting at the table, my mind drifting off into the ether, I came across Taeyong snaking around a corner rather sneakily. I shot up out of my seat and my group watched me run off without saying anything. I don't think any of them saw Taeyong.

I was in the stairwell when he was at the top.

"Taeyong!" I yelled, and it echoed. He looked down from the top of the stairwell and continued on his path, walking away.

"Hey! Wait!" I said again. I took long strides and finally caught up to him. I grabbed his shoulder and flipped him around.

"Why do I get the feeling you're avoiding me?" I asked in a concerned tone.

"Doesn't take a genius to figure that out," He said bluntly. I took my hand off his shoulder.

"What happened?"

"Do you really think this is right?" he snapped and turned around. I watched him walk away for a few paces, I was in sheer shock. Why was he being so dramatic? All I wanted to do was talk to him and make sure that we were on the same page, and that what happened last night wasn't all... for  _nothing_. It had to have meant something, right?

"Hey, I just wanted to apologise. I never did," I grabbed his wrist this time, and he attempted to wriggle out of my grip.

"Then apologise, and I'll be on my way if you don't mind." I could see anger rising to his face. his eyes were cold and intense, it was almost as if they had a film over them that was completely different from the eyes that I stared into so fondly last night.

"Why are you being like this? I thought we-"

"Well you thought wrong, I thought wrong, everything is wrong. I didn't mean to get so close to you so quickly," he interjected.

"I-I'm sorry..."

"If I get closer... It's not going to be good for me, or you. So I think we should keep our distance."

"It's not like we kissed."

"That's the thing, I wanted to." his tone lowered as he trailed off.

All of this climatic bullshit had happened within the span of three days.

"Just in case you don't remember, you were the one that wanted me to sleep in your bed. You were the one who started touching me, you were the one who had a nightmare and I did a kind thing by comforting you. Save this KDrama shit for someone else. You're confusing." I absolutely fucking snapped, because I was sick of being made out like I was some kind of sensitive and possessive boy in pursuit of him. I hated how he could control me. I shook my head and laughed in disbelief. He stood there and looked at the ground, acknowledging what I had just said. I bit my lips anxiously. I had so many thoughts racing through my head, unable to make even remote sense out of them. How could he be so seemingly hot for me and so cold and angered within hours?

"Just... you know what to do," he concluded and walked away.

The entire day I didn't come into contact with anyone. In maths, I sat as far away from him as possible without laying an eye on him once.

_"it's not like we kissed._

_"the thing is, I wanted to."_

I completely relented into myself. I sat in the bathrooms at lunchtime and I ignored texts and calls from Lucas. I skipped last period because I didn't want to see Taeyong in English. My grades didn't matter to me.

*At Jaehyun's house*

I cleaned up all of the cracked glass and swept it all into a garbage bag. I collected my mother's ashes and put them into a plastic box because that was all I had.

"I'm so sorry," I said to her.

I sat on the couch and got a cigarette out of my school bag. It had been a while since I had smoked. It was late in the afternoon when I got a text from Lucas. 

_L: where r u?_

_J: I'm at home. why?_

_L: i didn't see you all day. where were u?_

_J: i sat in the library, i was just falling a bit behind on studying, sorry. my phone was off._

_L: you're still coming tonight though, right?_

_J: yeah. ill see you later._

I decided to get ready. I walked over to the alcohol cupboard and took out a few bottles of strong liquor. I wanted to get recklessly drunk to forget about everything that occurred this week. I can see why my dad is such a raging alcoholic. I twisted the cap off and took a shot. I scowled at the strong fumes and swallowed it anyway. I went upstairs, took a shower, and put on a plain white button-up shirt and a pair of light blue jeans. I slicked my hair down and fixed my collar.

I took another swig from the bottle. Than another. And another. Before I knew it, night had fallen and I was starting to feel the sweet effects of alcohol. The blurry vision, the peaceful numbness washed over me in an awesome wave. I loved the way that time seemed to slow down, the way that it sort of just flowed without you really paying attention to it, or anything for that matter. My thoughts were easy to ignore, and my inhibitions were starting to melt. I grabbed my satchel and placed 2 bottles of alcohol in my bag, and got my cigarettes. I practically stumbled out of the door and clicked the lock on my way out.

Lucas's house was about 7 blocks away on the nicer side of town. Perhaps it wasn't even the nicer side of town, it was just an area that I didn't associate with my drunken father bursting through the doors in a theatrical manner almost every night. My legs carried me as I felt my eyelids starting to droop. I was drunk. I hadn't eaten anything for lunch that day so the effects of the drink were much more extreme.

I followed the sound of loud music and other people dressed as if they were going to a party all the way to Lucas's door. His house was already teeming with people. I stumbled up the steps to his grand house and was greeted by boys.

"JaeHYuN! Welcome!" Lucas threw a heavy arm around me and I smiled widely. He kissed me on the cheek and Ten and Mark giggled. I went over and hugged Mark and Ten.

"Damn Jaehyun! Looking slick as fuck!" Ten remarked with a laugh. I punched him on the shoulder. He acted even gayer when he was drunk.

"You don't look so bad yourself!" I complimented. Or was I flirting?

"You're so drunk Jaehyun. I love this version of you!" Mark said as he took another long swig from his red cup.

"So do i." I winked.

"Taeyong is inside."

"What?"

"Taeyong. he's so drunk. he was talking to some girl the last time I saw him. But he said he asked where you were"

I couldn't help myself. I Immediately walked away from them and went inside, mirroring today. I was choosing to see Taeyong over having a good night with my friends. Could I have gotten any more conspicuous? The music was so loud it was almost deafening. I saw him sitting on the couch with a cup in his hand, filled to the brim with his arm around some random girl, who was looking at him fondly. They were laughing. I stood and gawked at them for a few moments...

I couldn't control myself. I wanted him. I wanted his attention. I wanted to be the only one who caught his eye, the only one he would look at with those beady eyes.

Finally, his eyes landed on me. His gaze followed me as I walked over to him, pushing through sweaty bodies grinding on each other in time with the music. Usually, I would tear away from his gaze... but all I wanted to do was look at him. the alcohol had given me the confidence to look at him for longer than a few seconds. It felt fantastic.

He got up from his place on the couch, and the girl he was talking to looked at him, confused as to what she may have done to make him end the conversation so abruptly. She scoffed and walked away.

 _That's right, bitch_ , I thought.

"Are you fucking bipolar or something? Aren't you going to tell me to fuck off?" I said as our bodies were pushed together by the ever-expanding crowd.

"I can't deny  _that_   _stare_  Jaehyun."

"Why did you leave me this morning?"

"It scares me... How you make me feel."

"I guess I can say the same thing," I admitted.

"You're gay." He looked up to me with a mischievous smirk.

"I'm not gay... I just like you." I rubbed the back of my head. He laughed.

"I was angry because I could be in danger." He averted the topic back to the more poignant topic of discussion.

"Why?" I uttered.

"My father would not tolerate my behaviour if he found out that I'm... My conscience got the better of me and I freaked out."

"So you got angry at me instead?" I scoffed.

"I got angry at you because I was confused and frustrated. I can't be close to you because I could ruin my life, don't you see? But I have to be close to you... even if it's just for a little while..."

Taeyong stepped even closer to me and put rested his forehead on my chest.

"You're unbelievable."

"Fucking believe it."

I bit my lips and looked down at his beautiful face. He grabbed my hand and walked us down an empty hallway, save a few couples kissing passionately in their drunken stupor.

Taeyong smashed his lips against mine. I pushed him against the door behind him, closing whatever space was left between us.

"Will you make up your fucking mind?" I breathed into his mouth.

"You're so sexy when you're angry."

He kissed me again and explored my wet cavern with his tongue. He grabbed my ass and he pulled me right up against him, our crotches up against each other, twitching uncontrollably. He opened the door and locked it. Inside was what appeared to be a guest room, with a large double bed in the middle of it.

He wrapped his right leg around my body, and then his left. I lifted him up, holding his legs as I carried him to the bed so we could lie down comfortably. I sat down with him on top of me. His hands moved down to my crotch and he started to palm me. He slowly took my shirt off, running his hands up my body after he unbuttoned it, and then his. Taeyong sucked my neck, creating a purple bruise that I knew that I would later have to cover up with makeup. I closed my eyes. it felt so good... All I was thinking about was how good this felt, how foreign yet how he felt like home.

"I want you because you know what it feels like to hurt. I wanna make you feel better." Taeyong whispered alluringly.

Taeyong moved and kneeled on the floor, leaving kisses on my stomach as he lowered himself. He was breathing incredibly heavy by this point and his cheeks were flushed with a shade of pink.

"I want to suck it."

"Taeyong, no." I managed. Taeyong rubbed his hand over my clothed dick, applying more pressure than last time making me moan and throw my head back. I sharply inhaled through my teeth as he kissed ever so closely to the hem of my pants. I couldn't resist him. He undid my belt and slid my pants down, leaving me in my boxers. I was blushing like crazy.

"It looks big." he commented.

He teased the elastic of my boxers and he felt me relent.

"Relax, its okay."

I nodded.

He slipped my underwear down to the floor, then he grabbed my hips with both hands, and kissed the area around my cock, rubbing my thighs as he observed my exposed dick. This thought made me mad with desire. Taeyong grabbed my hard member with his right and kissed the top of my dick while making eye contact with me, sending shivers through my entire body.

"hah.... nngghh..." I moaned uncontrollably. I tried to keep it in but I couldn't. Before I knew it, his lips were wrapped around my dick, enveloping it, moving up and down. I felt his tongue along my shaft. I lifted my hips up and arched my back, pushing my dick deeper down his throat. I ran my hands through his hair, guiding his movements.

"Fuck." I moaned. "F-fuck."

He kept going up and down, getting progressively faster, but still keeping the pace steady and rather slow, just how I liked it, wrapping his lips around my entire shaft as if it was a popsicle.

"I'm gonna- I'm gonna..."

After a few more sucks, I ejaculated in his mouth. He swallowed all of it and licked the remnants off my crotch and my stomach. When he was finished, he kissed my thigh, and then promptly jumped back on top of me and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

"Did you enjoy that? You're so sensitive." He whispered. I nodded and panted with my eyes closed, letting the euphoric pleasure of an orgasm consume me. He made me cum so quickly... I was shivering because my orgasm was so intense. Plus, I hadn't done this type of stuff before, especially not with someone that attractive.

I pulled his pants down and he helped me. He threw them off the bed and he started to grind on me. I held his head against mine, and then he leaned in to kiss me again. I could taste alcohol on his lips.

I ran my hands over his back. I could almost wrap my hands around his small waist. His spine stuck out nicely, each vertebrate I caressed softly. I flipped him over and hovered over him. I stared deeply into his large eyes, his large intoxicating eyes.

"What do you want?" I whispered, sucking on his ear.

"Do what you want to me."

I wanted to suck him off as well. I wanted him to feel the pleasure that I had just felt. But I wasn't willing to give it to him that easily. I reached down and grabbed the tip of his dick, and ran my fingers over it, making him gasp while I was kissing him passionately. I grabbed his nape and ran my hands through his cloud-like hair. I started to move my hands up and down his shaft. He grabbed my waist and ran his thumbs over my abs.

"Fuck." he moaned and smiled, and closed his eyes.

I moved down his body, sucking on his nipple and chest, leaving wet kisses in my wake. I wanted to feel his dick in my mouth so badly, but I had never done this before. nonetheless, I vowed to try my best.

"Please suck it Jae..."

Jae. I loved how he called me that. He knew that I liked it.

"Jae... Please..."

His words were slurred, a symptom of our lack of control, our desire, our sweet, sweet intoxication.


	7. JOY

"Jae... Please..." Taeyong implored.

His words were melding together, a symptom of our lack of control, our desire, our sweet, sweet intoxication.

"I wanna hear you beg."

"Don't do this to me." he arched his back as I continued to jerk him off, pre-cum slicking his pulsating dick.

"Please Jaehyun... please..."

It was rude. I couldn't do that to him. I relented. He smirked down at me. I commenced by kissing the top of his member and sucking on the tip. I didn't know how I was going to envelop his entire dick in my mouth. With the aid of my hands, I sucked it. I accidentally scraped his shaft with my teeth on the way up. He winced slightly.

"No Jae, like this."

He grabbed my hand and three fingers. He made unwavering eye contact with me as sucked my fingers, running his tongue along the back of them, and narrowing and tightening his lips as he reached the top.

I nodded and tried again. I did exactly as he had just taught me.

"Oh my god... fuck yes."

I kept going down on him, armed with my new knowledge on how to make him feel even more pleasure. I kept my pace slow because I wanted so desperately to impress him, and I didn't want to screw up. I was getting the hang of it, and deep throated his delightfully long dick.

"Ugh..." he threw his head back, revealing his sharp jaw and Adams' apple as he gulped. He put his legs over my shoulders and spread his legs even wider. I was actually enjoying myself, hearing him moan, I wanted to send him wild.

"Baby... don't stop." He added. I kept going and going until he eventually cummed. I nearly choked on it. I spat it out rather ungracefully into my hands.

"Jesus!" I yelled. It tasted like chlorine, like a chemical. I have no idea how he swallowed my seed so swiftly.

He started to laugh hysterically as he attempted to steady his breath. I ran into the bathroom attached to the room, stark naked, and washed myself up. I walked back out and he was still laughing. I was embarrassed. I jumped back on top of him and put my hand over his mouth softly.

"Stop it!" I began to laugh too.

"You're such a virgin. But Jae... You did so well."

He pulled me in for another kiss, a tender and soft one, clutching the back of my neck and pressing my lips onto mine. 

"We should get back to the party."

I grabbed my clothes off the floor, stumbling as I did so. It was time for another drink! He helped me button up my shirt, and I helped him step into his pants. He clutched my shoulder, smiling so widely and cutely, I just wanted to eat him up. We opened the door and walked out, hand in hand. Ten was standing in the hallway, his arm around a taller guy.

He smirked like he knew all our secrets, and we greeted him.

"Have fun, boys?"

Uh oh. I looked at Taeyong, prompting him to take the lead in this potentially awkward conversation.

"So much fun." He smiled and winked.

"This is Jeno." He introduced his friend, probably a potential sexual partner, knowing Ten's sexual promiscuity and his confidence in his homosexuality. I was just glad that Ten didn't make me and Taeyong walking out of a bedroom, sweaty with crushed clothes and hair sticking to our forehead look remarkable or suspicious.

Ten was the type of person that nobody really questioned. He was confidently gay, therefore nobody could really bully him for it, even though he attended an all-boys school.

"Jae, let's go home. This party is getting a little wild for my taste."

Lucas's house had filled up even more, and people were starting to get messy. I couldn't have agreed more. I sort of just wanted to be alone with Taeyong.

"Well, we're off. See you on Monday Ten."

He nodded as he leaned in to kiss Jeno, and we walked away.

We pushed through the crowded house and made our way to the front door. Lucas was nowhere to be seen, he was probably throwing up in a bush in his backyard. Our fingers were still linked as we entered the quiet street. It must have been around 12 am, because there was not a single human being in sight.

"Where is your house from here?"

"Not far," I assured.

Taeyong tripped drunkenly in a depression in the road, that we were carelessly walking in the middle of. I clutched his waist and helped him gain back his balance. When we were walking out of Lucas's house, he must have grabbed another a cup that was on the bench. He lifted it up to his lips and took a long swig.

"Taeyong! Who knows what could be in that!"

"Tastes like hard liquor to me."

He moved the cup to my mouth and titled it, pouring the liquid straight down my throat. I scowled at the vile, strong, acetone-like taste.

"That's definitely straight vodka," I concluded. I cringed at the taste, and a wave of shivers radiated through me. We continued to walk in medicated silence. His arm was around my shoulder, and mine around his waist. I even though we were fucked off our heads, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I could have walked the lonely streets for hours with him.

~

I opened the door to my house and we oozed inside, smiling like idiots. We both kicked our shoes off. My father wasn't home, thank god. But that raised the question: where was he? At that moment, that thought passed as quickly as it materialised. All of the lights were off and Taeyong hugged me from behind in the darkness.

"I'm so drunk... I wanna go to bed." Taeyong said like a little baby. When he was under the influence of alcohol, his personality softened completely.

I put my arm around his tiny waist as we walked upstairs. We went into my room and I turned on my bed lamp and slumped on my bed in a mellow embrace.

"I drank way too much."

"So did I... Jesus... I left my damn bag there."

"Get it tomorrow. Let's just sleep."

I lay on my back and Taeyong brushed my hair off my forehead gently. I closed my eyes as I let him touch me. I could feel electricity being conducted through his fingers.

"You're so beautiful." He remarked. I blushed and got shy. He pulled my shirt up and ran his hand along my torso. "Can I kiss you?" he added. I nodded and smiled.

This kiss was unlike no other. There was no tongue, he was simply sucking on my lips gently and slowly. He cupped my face in his hands and fiddled with my ears. We both closed our eyes. It was so tender, and my soul had completely melted along with the kiss. He pulled away and was staring at me, pinning me down with his eyes.

"What?" I asked after he did not move or break his gaze.

"I just want to look at you."

"Why?"

"I want to memorise your face."

My eyes darted around the room. I felt so uncomfortable in the presence of such aesthetic royalty, staring at me unwaveringly. The thought that he even found me remotely attractive was so exceedingly implausible, it didn't feel real. In fact, the whole night didn't feel real. The alcohol made my mind even more distant from the fabric of reality, and this moment made it feel like a hallucination.

"Look at me." The light shone across half of his face, casting a shadow on his perky upper lip and seductively deep cupids bow.

He turned my face towards his. We lay there, looking at each other, studying each other's faces. He had a scar beside his right eye, but other than that, there was no flaws, no moles or freckles, nothing. His scar wasn't even considered a flaw, it gave his face more character. After all, every scar has a story to tell.

"Your dimples... so cute." He ran his finger along them, making me smile even wider. I had always been self-conscious about them because one side was deeper than the other.

"You're making me so shy..."

I pulled the covers over my head and pushed my body towards the end of the bed.

" _My my._.. Where did he go?" he said sarcastically. I pinched his leg and bit my lip to contain my laughter.

"Fuck! Bed bugs!" he kicked and shook his legs. I snaked up his body and lifted up his shirt, and tucked my head into it playfully. After that, he took it off. He threw the covers over our heads, and he pulled my shirt off as well. I wanted to feel my skin against his, his warmth, his touch, his breath rising and falling with each breath. I climbed off him and we lay side by side, and he ran his hands through my hair.

"I think I'm falling in love with you." He said while looking at my lips and then my eyes. He was constantly shifting between the two. I ran my hand along the side of his body, tracing his shape. I did not retort to his confession because I did not need to. The fact that he was beside me, in my house, in my bed, replaced what words could explain.

"Please don't leave in the morning."

"I'm not gonna leave."

"Even if you do at least wake me up or something," I muttered.

"Jaehyun, I won't go." He affirmed, albeit, I was still insecure. He kissed my nose, and he rested his forehead against mine.

"Even if you're hungover, you can vomit in my bathroom, I don't care. I'll make you breakfast."

"You're rambling."

"I have to go shopping but I can still make you breakfast, just stay."

He kissed me rather roughly to make me shut up.

"I'm sorry," I said as I broke away, a thread of spit tethering us together.

"No, I am." He whispered. "I won't leave. Let's go to sleep. When you wake up... I'm gonna be right here, baby." His warm breath lingered on my lips.

"Don't call me your baby; I'm not your baby."

" _Alright_   _baby_."

I laughed at his ability to be so annoying yet so adorable, but so sexy at the same time. I kissed him one last time, I felt his hand on my behind, pulling me closer to him. He felt down the centre of my back, sending an inexplicable feeling of contentment and unprecedented joy through my being.

"When you got on the train that day... I was so nervous." I randomly interjected.

"I could tell. I couldn't stop looking at you. Your hands were shivering like a little dog." Taeyong knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Well, from that moment forward, when you sat on the train... This is what I wanted." I admitted.

"You're a hopeless romantic Jung Jaehyun." He said as his eyes met mine. He kissed my forehead and my cheek yet again. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"I didn't... think it was real. I thought it was impossible, to love someone based on a glance, a touch of the arm, a smile from across a room... but I guess I believe it now."

"I feel like there is some force that pulls people together... like some invisible string. Why did you react the way that you did when you saw me? And why was I so interested in you? We can't choose who we fall in love with..." He theorised.

"Like cupid?"

He paused in deep thought. "No, like some sort of dimension... like gravity. Like, something that we can't feel, but its constantly affecting us. More than hormones... something that we can't explain." He remarked.

I couldn't have agreed with him more. I didn't tell him this, I simply looked deeply into his eyes, and planted a kiss on his neck as my way of saying yes.

We fell asleep in a warm embrace, our skin touching, feeling the weight of each other, our bodies intertwined, our souls interlinked. It was comforting that I was the last thought in his mind before he went to sleep, and he was mine. 


	8. WORN

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

I woke up to the sound of a door slamming, and keys being dropped on the floorboards. I forced my eyes open. My head was pounding, a symptom of the unpleasant inception of a hangover. I shook Jaehyun awake, and he opened his eyes slowly.

"Someone's here," I whispered.

"Don't tell me... stay here." Jaehyun got up furtively and paced out of the room. When I heard his footfalls descending the stairs, I couldn't help but follow him.

"Dad." I heard him say. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Working, unlike you. You lazy fuck."

"My ass. You've been on another bender. Check the message machine. They're all from your work, and they're all for you."

I knelt down and looked through the railing of the staircase, careful to remain in the darkness. Jaehyun's father looked dirty, sweaty and dishevelled. I could smell his odour of sweat and alcohol from the significant distance that was between him and I. He had grey stubble adorning his chin, and sunken eyes with prominent bags beneath them. His suit was crushed and his tie was slung around his neck lazily.

"Dad, you can't keep doing this." He added as he walked over to him to grab his briefcase out of his flailing, unsteady hands.

"Get the fuck away from me... You don't give a shit about me."

"I give a shit about you, that's why I was worried why you didn't come home for three fucking days!" Jaehyun informed as he raised his voice slightly.

"Don't raise your voice at me you fool!" He slurred as he pushed Jaehyun back by the shoulders, almost making him topple over. He followed this by swinging a punch at Jaehyun. Jaehyun dodged the first one, but then his father grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall. "You think you're so much better than me... but let me tell you something-" His father raised his hand again, recoiling and preparing to hit him. Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut in fright.

"Jaehyun!" I wailed fretfully. I felt fear awaken within me, and my stomach dropped.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"Taeyong?" Jaehyun's eyes darted over to me.

"Get your hands off him," I said as I descended the stairs, walking over to Jaehyun briskly and grabbing his arm, pulling him away from his monster of a father.

"Hah! So... you're a fucking twink! Did I fuck you too many times? You started to fucking like it...?" his father cocked his head. An awkward, tense silence filled the room.

"You fucking bastard..." Jaehyun shook his head and narrowed his eyes. I could not believe what I had just heard.

"What's your name?" I asked in a falsely nice tone.

"Jung Dongjin."

"Well, Jung Dongjin..." I paused and he looked at me confused. I swung a fist at his head, sending him crashing to the ground. His nose started bleeding. He gripped it, looked up at me and smiled paradoxically at my advance. "Get the fuck out of here," I said as I gritted my teeth and kicked his stomach.

"Taeyong! What the hell?" Jaehyun pulled me back. I nudged him away, sat on top of his father, and punched him again.

"YOUR NAME IS NOT JUNG! HOW  _DARE_  YOU CALL YOURSELF JUNG DONGJIN!" I yelled. I punched him again, twice. I grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into the ground. He coughed up blood upon impact.

"If you don't get the fuck out of here... I will fucking kill you."

"This is my fucking house you prick." He said weakly.

"I don't give a shit... Get. The fuck. OUT OF HERE!" I slammed him into the floor again, just in case he didn't get the message. Jaehyun grabbed my waist from behind and pulled me off him. We looked at each other in the eyes for a moment, and then we looked down at his pathetic father attempting to get up from the floor.

To my surprise and pleasure, Jaehyun opened the front door. "You are not my fucking father..." I could see tears welling up in his eyes. "If you don't leave... I'll call the police. Or I'll kill you myself and make it look like a damn accident." I was relieved that Jaehyun was on my side in this situation.

Dongjin lay on his side and got up shakily. He grabbed his briefcase that was resting against the wall and turned to walk out the door. As he grabbed the door handle, he hesitated. He turned around and looked at Jaehyun with narrow eyes.

"How does it feel?" he asked, "...to do this to the man who raised you?" He spat out blood and wiped his mouth.

"You didn't raise me. Mom did..." He looked at the ground and a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Now get the  _fuck_  out of here." He choked.

I walked over to the door and closed it on his father and locked it. I turned around and faced a teary Jaehyun. I ran over to him and pulled him into a hug. His hands were hanging limply by his side as his crying intensified. I cupped his face and wiped his tears with my thumbs.

"Please don't cry... don't cry."

"I can't believe he did that... I can't believe he..."

"Jae... did he fuck you?" I asked gently. I had to know. He nodded. "Oh my god... oh, my god." His head slumped and he looked at his feet. "I'm so sorry..." I added as I pulled his head onto my shoulder.

"Don't be sorry... it's not like you could control it." He whimpered.

"As long as I'm around it'll never happen again, I promise..."

"I just want this to go away... I can't believe you had to hear that... and see that."

"I want to help you Jaehyun."

"You can't help me..." he lifted his head up and met my eyes.

"Tell me about it then, please, I just want to try, at least."

"You would never understand." He shook his head. 

"Help me try," I begged.

"I'm just so worn... worn out... I've blocked it out completely." He raised his hand to his forehead and stared off into the distance, looking as though he was unable to process what had just materialised.

"Please let me help you Jaehyun."

"When you drop a class and it shatters, can you fix it?" he blurted.   
  
"No."

"Now tell it that you want to help it." I rolled my eyes at his rather cliché analogy. 

"Jae, you're different than a piece of glass."

"The thing is Taeyong, I'm not... I'm not different... It's just the laws of nature. They also apply to me."

"Just let me help you. I want to help you. I can try. Wouldn't you like that?"

He did not retort, he simply melted into me.

"Wouldn't you like that?" I repeated. "I can tell you what you want... I can tell you what to feel..."

"Please... just don't make it an issue."

"You can't just ask me to ignore what I just heard."

"I think you should."

"No, Jaehyun. You can't make this go away. You can let it eat away at you, and then that'll make it eat away at me."

"Please don't make this about you."

"This is about me, Jaehyun, whether you like it or not."

"What do you want to hear? That he fucked me and it fucking  _hurt_? That he fucking hurt me so bad? He battered and bruised me? That I had to go to school the next day with my asshole fucking torn, walking like I had a pole shoved up my ass, and acted like nothing happened?" he pulled away from our embrace. I could see the anger in his eyes.   
  
"Yes... yes."

"That... that he fucking used to hit me and beat me and then tell me that he loved me? That when I was 10 years old he used to come into my room and fucking rape me? And that I didn't fucking tell anyone because for me it was normal? That it was a part of my fucking life?" he pointed to his chest, making theatrical gestures as his ominous figure towered over me.

"Yes..."

"That I used to sleep in a fucking park because I was too scared to come home!? That I used to fucking lock myself in the bathroom and cry and sleep on the tiles because at least it meant that I could be safe from my own fucking father?" His voice was raised and he grew angry.

"Yes..."   
  
"IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR? IS THAT WHAT YOU  _FUCKING_  WANT TO HEAR?" he cocked his head and pushed his palms against my chest as if he was attempting to initiate a fight. His fringe fell in front of his eyes.

I crashed my lips against his. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer to me, not allowing him to tear away. Initially he resisted, but eventually, he settled into me and returned it. I felt his demeanour calm down and his breathing return to normal.

I felt so sorry for him. I felt an inextricable connection with him. I wanted to know all his secrets. I wanted to help him feel better. I wanted to be there for him... I knew that I could not heal all his hurt, but I could at least be with him to distract him for a while, even if it was just for a few hours at a time. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and that I would never judge him for the terrible things that his father did to him, corrupting his beautiful body, scarring his mind, never to be the same again.

As Jaehyun pulled away from the kiss, I had noticed that he had stopped crying. He did not apologise, but I could see that his eyes were saying "I'm sorry." 

"You're not alone Jaehyun." I comforted. 

I took his hand and we went back upstairs to the safety of his room. I let him into bed first, and I pulled the covers over us and tucked him in. I kissed his cheek and I lay on his chest, caressing his chest with the tips of my fingers. I never wanted to let him go. If there was a way to freeze time, I would choose to stay in that moment, suspended, the laws of physics no longer applying to us. 

It took a while for us to fall asleep, but neither of us said anything. I could have said so much. I had so many thoughts racing through my head, and I had so many unresolved questions playing on my lips. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him so much and that nobody had ever made me feel the way that he did. He was like a magician. Albeit, the words "I love you" could not even begin to express the sheer fondness and attraction I felt towards him. In that moment, I could have said it a thousand times, I could have shouted it from the rooftops, yet it would still be inadequate, falling short of what I felt in every fibre of my being. 

Although, I realised that  _love_  was the only word in our language that could describe the way that I felt. I loved him. I loved him. 

_I loved him._


	9. HEAT

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

When I woke up, Taeyong was spooning me from behind. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. Thoughts of last night's occurrences started to flood my mind as I eased myself out of my slumber. The yellow morning light was streaming in through the windows, illuminating the suspended dust particles as they danced around my room. I could tell that it was going to be a hot day. That day was to be one of the last hot days of summer as the sun grew further away from the earth in our orbit. I could hear birds chirping happily as they sang their song in the neighbouring trees. I was filled with an inexplicable feeling of contentment. No matter what happened, the sun would still rise, the earth would still spin, nature would make its call to humanity and say "Get up! It's a new day!"

"Good morning," Taeyong said in my ear. I smiled and turned on my back to face him. He sat up and hovered over me, a huge smile playing on his perky lips. I put my hands behind my head, stretched, and yawned.

"Morning." I returned his smile.

"How do you feel?" He said as he pulled the covers off me, revealing my bare body and pants that had  _mysteriously_  reached my ankles throughout the night.

"A little dehydrated but not that bad. And you?"

"Never been better." He chirped. "Do you have a tub?" He added as he looked at my bathroom door.

"Yeah, why?"

Taeyong's smile widened even more as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of bed. I groaned at his enthusiasm at this early hour. I nearly tripped over my pants that I was wearing at the party the night before. I didn't even think to get changed last night, I was that drunk. He opened my window in my bathroom to let in the fresh, crisp morning air. He leaned over into the bathtub and ran it hot. He shoved the plug into the drain, and ran the soap under the tap, creating a sea of bubbles.

"Bubble bath!" he jumped and clapped like a child of three years old. I was stunned by his duplicitous nature. The night before, he was a sexual deviant who somehow had the ability to kick the devilish man that I call my father out of his own house, punching him and making him bleed, and the next day he was getting excited over a bubble bath. I smirked at the sight of him.

Taeyong shamelessly stripped his pants and his boxers off and sat in the bath. His body looked so appealing... I could see all the love bites that I had made and I was remarkably satisfied.

"Come on, then." He encouraged.

"I don't know Taeyong..."

"Nonsense... come here."

My feet carried me over towards him, obeying his command. He pulled my boxers down swiftly and I stepped out of them. He bit his lips subtly as his eyes traced my body, making me remarkably self-conscious.

"I don't know why you're being so shy when your dick was in my mouth last night." He raised an eyebrow roguishly.

"Shut up Taeyong." I said as I couldn't help but grin at his flirtatious remarks as I stepped into the bath, with Taeyong eyeing my every move. I sat down and clutched my knees to my chest. In comparison, Taeyong sat with his arms propped up on the side of the bath and sat with his leg wide open. He looked so unbelievably sexy. His hair was a mess for a change which suited him so well.

I looked around the steamy bathroom awkwardly, trying to take my mind off Taeyong's bare body sitting before me. I knew that I was going to get hard in no time. He scooped up bubbles in his hand and bopped it against my nose. I tried to look at him with a straight face. He laughed in the cutest way possible. Then, he got on his knees and made a mound of bubbles on my head.

"Jae-mochi-hyun."

"Fuck you!" I simpered as I rubbed the bubbles into my hair.

"Did you see Lucas at all last night?" Taeyong inquired curiously.

"No... He must have been fucking some chick. Or passed out in a bush."

"He's gay," Taeyong stated. 

"What?" I was shocked at his audacious assumption.

"I saw the way he looked at Ten. When we were sitting down at lunch, Ten's hand on his thigh. I don't even think he realised it. It was really close to his groin. Lucas was looking down and his eyes were wide." 

"Oh, that's just Lucas, he's super friendly and he likes affection like that."

"Super gay if you ask me. Only time will tell." He said as he looked out the window into the morning light.

A silence grew on us like a plague yet again.

"What are you thinking about?" he blurted.

"What do you think?" He was the only thing on my mind.

"I don't know, you could be thinking about Cheetos, cats, whatever"

"Stop flirting with me."

Taeyong pushed his body closer to mine and put his legs over mine as I stretched them out, making space for him to sit in front of me.

"Or what?" he teased as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I could feel my temperature rising as quickly as the water was filling up in the tub. Taeyong brushed his lips against mine and breathed into my mouth softly. As I leaned in closer to kiss him, captivated by his arresting, parted lips, he pulled away from me, leaving me frustrated as I just wanted to devour him and explore every inch of his body.

The bubbles were growing between us. The steam from the hot water made our already blushing cheeks even pinker. Taeyong looked so alive, he actually looked like he had blood pumping through him, instead of his usual self which resembled a perfectly carved statue, with a uniform colour as his skin. His hair was sticking to his moist forehead and he narrowed his eyes with flaming desire. I leaned in again, unable to stop myself. He turned his cheek to me and I pressed my lips to it in defeat.

"Taeyong... stop it." I moaned. He giggled maliciously. He knew he was driving me mad. I ran my hands over his wet back, pulling him closer. I was getting impatient which was unlike me. This made him moan gently as our twitching members were pressed up against each other. I straightened my back as I felt a shiver run through me despite the heat. This wasn't enough. He pushed himself on top of me by gripping the side of the bath and lifting himself up, and then lowering himself, his body brushing against mine on his descent and cupping my face in his lengthy hands.

Finally, he kissed me passionately. He sucked on my lips, interchanging between my top and bottom. His lips were so exceptionally soft. As I traversed the inside of his mouth with my tongue, he leant back to turn the taps off, barely breaking away from the kiss. Whatever space he made between us, I closed expeditiously, by pulling him closer, grabbing his ass and pressing him onto me. I engulfed each of his cheeks with my hands and squeezed them, making him moan into the kiss. He threw his head back and let a suppressed groan escape. We were both getting really hard. I could feel Taeyong's hands through my hair, he was pulling it gently as I titled my head up to him.

My hands moved from his ass to his dick, and I gripped it with my right hand and started to move it up and down his hard, lengthy shaft. After a few strokes, I pressed his tip softly, making him whimper and throw himself onto me as he exhaled deeply.

"I wanna fuck you so bad."

"Fuck me."

"Are you sure?"

I didn't blame him for asking something like that, especially after what he learnt last night. Nonetheless, I wanted to replace my bad memories with good ones.

"Fuck me." I stared at him dead in the eye to prove that I was serious. He licked his lips and wiped my spit off his lips from our wet kiss with his thumb.

Taeyong reached back and pulled the plug out of the bathtub and it began to drain. He turned on the shower instead.

"What are you doing?"

"Gotta keep it steamy." He winked. I smirked mischievously. "Turn around," he demanded. I did as I was told.

Taeyong grinded against my ass, pushing his dick in the middle of it, moving it up and down. His breathing deepened but mine grew faster. He ran his hands over my back and then settled on my hips, gripping them tenaciously. I could feel him leaning over me, and I could feel him getting harder and harder. 

"I'm gonna put it in now, okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes. His tip entered my ass, making me let out a moan of both pleasure and pain.

"Ugh... hah.... ugh..." Taeyong sputtered as he injected himself deeper into me, hitting my prostate. It felt so fucking good. The steam and the water lubricated me enough, and his pre-cum slicked me up as well. Taeyong thrusted into me slowly, moving back and forth, keeping a steady pace. I arched my back down so he could access my prostate easier. I inhaled sharply through my teeth and bit my lip, attempting to contain my pleasure.

"Harder..." I begged. Taeyong picked up the pace slightly. He leaned over me, clutching on the side of the tub, and kissed my back. As he thrusted back and forth, I could feel his teeth on my back, his breath getting faster. His wet hair tickled my back as he rested his forehead between my shoulder blades. His hand snaked around my hips and he grabbed my dick and began to jerk me off. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure, I found it hard to keep my grip on reality, I was completely consumed by Lee Taeyong.

He continued to thrust into me, and he ran his hand along the side of my torso. As we were both reaching our climax, he began moaning loudly alongside every thrust. I was holding my breath, becoming dizzy. I felt his warm ejaculation inside of me, making me cum as well. Taeyong pressed the tip of my dick, the most sensitive part, making my entire being swell with pleasure. I threw my head back and finally let out my suppressed breath.

Taeyong pulled out and grabbed my shoulders, signalling for me to sit up. I smile played on my lips. He planted a kiss on the side of my neck.

"You did so well baby." he praised me, even though I didn't really do anything. He was the one I should have been praising.

I stood up on shaky knees, and Taeyong followed my lead. He brushed my moist hair off my forehead and looked up at me with unfakable endearment. Taeyong reached down to the shampoo bottles sitting on the bench and pumped some in his hands. He lifted his hands up, his delightful biceps flexing as he did so, and he ran the shampoo through my hair. Whatever was left over he ran through his. Taeyong leaned his head back into the stream of the shower and closed his eyes. I admired how ethereal he looked, the water droplets adorning his face, his sharp jawline protruding as his thin skin stretched across it, and his prominent Adam's apple. When he parted his lips, his pearly white teeth were revealed. Droplets of water dripped from his chin. I was breath-taken by his unparalleled beauty. I suddenly felt remarkably inferior to him.

When he opened his eyes, I blushed uncontrollably. He beamed at my display of affection. He stepped to the side and let me rinse the shampoo out of my hair, as he lathered his body with soap. I mirrored him and when we were both done, I turned off the shower. We both stepped out of the tub and I handed him a towel from the rack. He hung it over his head and tousled his hair.

I walked out of the bathroom and got Taeyong some clothes from my selection and handed them to him. I chose my oldest clothes, not because I thought that he would ruin mine, I didn't think that any of mine would fit his slim physique.

"These might fit..."

Taeyong pulled the white t-shirt I gave him over his head, and it was so big that it hung across his shoulders like a sack, exposing his prominent collarbones. He looked so handsome nonetheless.

"Thanks Jae." He smiled kindly. I got dressed and gave him some privacy, which felt strange in contrast to what we just did. Taeyong walked out of the bathroom, looking angelic as always, with the black jeans I gave him hugging his hips with the belt that he wore the night before.

"How about some breakfast babe?"

" _Babe_..." I repeated, I let the word play on my lips.

"Okay then Jae-mochi-hyun, would you like some breakfast?"

"Quit it. Let's go to the store. I need some cigarettes. We can buy some ingredients,  _babe_."


	10. WALTZ

JAEHYUN'S POV

Taeyong and I walked down the street to the grocery store to pick up some things to make a nice breakfast. My endorphins were high and my brain was flooded with dopamine, I felt a sensation of sheer euphoria within me. My lips couldn't help but curl up slightly forming a content grin.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. it was ten.

T: Hey woojae, did you and taeyong get home alright?

"Its Ten" I told Taeyong.

J: Yeah, we got home alright. are you hungover?

T: Yep, I've got a bucket next to my bed.

J: Have you seen Lucas?

T: He's here next to me.

J: Is he okay?

T: Yeah, we just fucked.

I chocked on my spit. I shouldn't have been surprised considering what Taeyong and I had done but... Lucas? and Ten? He told me so shamelessly as well... 

J: Ten, tmi, man. what happened to that jeno kid?

T: baby... don't stop

I felt my cheeks blush. 

T: I heard you say last night. don't act so innocent woojae. who's jeno?

He quoted me from last night. What a shit stirrer. He also didn't even remember a guy that he had kissed, he was that drunk. I handed my phone to Taeyong and he read Ten and I's correspondence. His eyes widened.

"I told you so," he said confidently. "He's gay." I shrugged in defeat. Taeyong had a way of predicting people and seeing straight through them. It made him all the more intimidating.

The air was hot, and it was only about 9 am in the morning. When we arrived at the store, Taeyong walked straight over to the fresh produce section.

"Why don't we just get some takeaway? I cant cook very well." 

"It's a good thing I can, then. I'm older than you, right?" 

"When were you born?"

"Valentines Day, 1997."

"I'm your hyung. That means you have to do what I say. And I'm saying I want to get ingredients."

"I'm going to burn the house down."

"Like I said, not if I cook it. Come on, it'll be way nicer than that fried shit."

"Whatever." I shrugged.

I watched him grab a basket and grab fresh vegetables, eggs, and premium bacon.

"I cant afford that." 

"Ill pay" He offered.

"You cant pay for everything! where do you get the money?"

"My father."

"Oh, right."

Knowing the supposed reputation and occupation of his father, he probably didn't get the money legally or safely, but I didn't really want to go into it in the middle of a grocery store. Dirty or clean money, money is money. Money is just paper but it affects people like poetry.

"Right, so I'm getting some good quality eggs and bacon." He smiled proudly. We went over to the register and he pulled his wallet out. It was thick with notes and he had about two credit cards. I gawked at it in awe. He really was rich... What the hell was he doing at a less than prestigious public school like Seoul Grammar? He never wore clothes that boasted his riches, even at the party. I admired his modesty. Maybe he didn't want to draw attention to himself... He didn't need jewels or chains when his face was his main accessory and asset.

He handed his credit card over to the female cashier who was blushing like crazy and fumbling nervously. I didn't blame her. I had been here a few times before, but she never did that. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, the effects of Lee Taeyong.

As we were walking home, I felt powerful standing in his presence. I felt his arm snake around mine, and he linked them.

"Don't Taeyong. We're in public."

"I know and I don't care. It's not like we're kissing."

"People can put two and two together," I said anxiously, meaning that two guys linking arms aren't the straightest of things guys can do.

"Then let them," he affirmed.

We walked the rest of the way arm in arm. We attracted some attention from passers-by, but Taeyong didn't even return their stares or acknowledge them in any way. I admired his conviction.

On a walk that seemed to take forever, we finally arrived at my house. My neighbour, Ms Young, looked at us strangely while she was watering her plants. I greeted her with a nod and she raised her hand and waved at us tentatively.

We're just two guys, linking arms, there's nothing wrong with it; I told myself.

I wish I was like Ten. He didn't care that he was gay.

Taeyong noticed me in deep thought as we stepped inside. "is there something wrong?" he inquired curiously.

"No." I smiled. He shrugged me off and walked with the bag into my kitchen.

"Right." he put his hands on his hips and stopped to think for a moment.

"I'm going to need two pans..."

I pointed at the cupboard below the stove. "I think they're in there."

"You think? Wow, you really never cook, don't you?"

"Unless its instant ramen, no."

"Do you have oil?" He said as he helped himself to my painfully empty pantry. "Bingo!" he answered his own question before I could say anything.

He set up everything in the kitchen and turned on our gas stove, and greased the pan. He cracked eggs like a professional, careful not to get any shell in it like I always managed to do.

"How do you like your eggs?" He asked as if he was my wife.

"Just fried." 

"Same."

I sat down at the counter and observed him cook. I loved watching his hands as he was doing things, anything. I loved the way that his long fingers made any movement look graceful, and how his veins protruded and how his sinewy muscles flexed under his skin. 

He got numerous strips of bacon out of the bag and put them in the frying pan next to the eggs. 

"Something is missing." 

"Did we forget to buy something?" 

"No... music." 

He walked over into the living room and looked at our display cabinet, evidently looking for CDs or the sort. We didn't even have a radio that I could offer him. Then, it dawned on me. my mother's record player. 

"Wait," I said as I darted up from my place and walked over to the cupboard below the cabinet. I knelt down and pulled out a dusty record player, protected by its case. I opened it and looked up at Taeyong and smiled. 

"Wow. I've never seen one of those before, only in movies." 

I fuddled through the drawer and found a few records with faded covers. 

"I have records but they're really old. I don't even know if they will work." 

"Oh my god," Taeyong said as he put his hand on his chest like he had just had a heart attack. 

"Frank Sinatra... I can't believe it. I cant believe you have this."

"Huh?"

"Hush, Jaehyun... just listen." 

He took the record out of my hand and looked at the back of it, evidently picking a track. His eyes widened when he made his choice. An endearing smirk played on his lips. He took the record out of the sleeve and blew on it gently. He placed it on the record player that I had placed on the coffee table. He knelt down to it and delicately put the dial on the corresponding groove. he turned up the volume. At first, all we heard was static. 

"Nevermind..." I said. 

Before I even finished, a melody filled the room, high notes of the piano swirling around the room, echoing off the walls. Taeyong looked at me with satisfaction. He ran back over to the kitchen and flipped the eggs and bacon. 

I began to recognise the tune. 

"My mother used to play this on a Sunday afternoon when we were all sitting around..." I noted. 

It's quarter to three  
There's no-one in the place  
'Cept You and me.  
So set 'em up Joe,  
I've got a little story  
I think you should know

The atmosphere between us shifted. The song was sad yet romantic, it made me want to cry, yet it made me want to grab Taeyong and kiss him. It reminded me of an older time, a better time. 

We're drinking my friend,  
To the end of a brief episode  
Make it one for my baby, and one more  
For the road

Taeyong walked back over to me where I was kneeling next to the record player. He grabbed both of my hands and pulled me up. He looked at me with a resolute eye. I returned his gaze intently. 

He grabbed my right hand and he put it on his left shoulder. He took his right hand in my left, and he placed his hand on my lower back. 

I've got the routine  
Put another nickel in the machine  
I'm feeling so bad  
Can't you make the music easy and sad 

"Step backwards when I step forward," he said, just above a whisper. "When you step right, I step left. Got it? Just follow my lead." he let out a small laugh. 

We began to waltz like we were a newly married couple. We looked at each other in the eyes. there we were dancing, in my living room, to a song that I had heard before but it didn't make it any less beautiful. It was a song that was linked to suppressed memories, but I was happy to make new ones with him. There we were, barefoot, eggs and bacon sizzling in the kitchen, hand in hand, hand in hand... with a boy I had just met a few days ago. It all felt so new yet so much like home... 

I could tell you a lot  
But you've gotta be true to your code  
Just make it one for my baby, and one more  
For the road

I accidentally stepped on his toes and we both erupted into laughter, but that didn't stop us. Taeyong nuzzled his head into my chest. He moved his body closer to mine. At that moment everything seemed so benign, stellar and innocent. I recorded that moment in my mind forever. I replay it over and over again. It is something that ill never be able to forget, even if I tried, even if I wanted to. 

You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet  
And I got a lot of things I'd like to say  
So when I'm gloomy, won't you listen to me  
"Til it's talked away  
Well, that's how it goes..." I began to sang tentatively. Memories of my mother flooded back to me. 

It was the most romantic thing I had ever done up to that day. I was so overwhelmed with love, I didn't know what to do with that feeling. Taeyong looked up into my eyes again. I could see a whole galaxy contained within them. Our faces were serious but my heart was smiling. 

And Joe I know you're getting anxious to close  
And thanks for the cheer  
I began to sing again:"I hope you didn't mind my bending your ear  
But this touch that I've found..." 

Taeyong looked at me with adoration and I blushed. His lips parted slightly and the corners of his lips upturned. 

"Must be drowned or it soon might explode  
So make it one for my baby  
And one more for the road  
The long  
It's so long  
The long   
Very long"

The song finished and our bodies separated. 

"You have such a beautiful voice."

"My mother always told me that." I rubbed the back of my neck shyly. Any praise from Taeyong made me so embarrassingly shy. 

"No really... I'm not just saying that. It's beautiful. Please sing again for me sometime." 

He walked back into the kitchen and served us our breakfast on plates, and placed them down on the dining table, which I rarely ate at any more. He helped himself to my drawer and obtained forks, knives and napkins from the pantry. He grabbed my cigarettes from the counter as I sat down on an ornate chair. He walked over to me, placed a cigarette between my lips, and lit it for me. 

"Wow... five-star service," I remarked. 

"Nothing but the best for you." He bubbled in a mocking tone. 

Taeyong sat down at the opposite end of our wooden table and we dug into our meals. There was nothing like a hearty meal in the morning after a night of drunkenness. I placed the first bite into my mouth. He had season our food with spices and salt and pepper. 

"Woah... This is good. Who taught you to cook?"

"Myself... Because I had to." 

The reasons behind him learning how to cook were rather sad and unfair but then again, the world was. And we were both victims of it. 

I sat back in my chair and took an inhale of my cigarette, admiring the perfection of the moment. I liked how his lips curled into themselves when he was chewing, and I like how his jaw flexed when he bit down. 

We were interrupted by his phone ringing from upstairs. 

"Who could that be? ill be right back."

It rang out before he got halfway up the stairs, but he continued to go and get his phone anyways. On his way down, he got a message notification. 

I swear the colour drained from his facade fractionally as he read it, the light from the screen illuminating his face. 

"Shit," he muttered under his breath. 

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah... I think... I think I have to go." For the first time ever, I heard him stutter.

"Why?"

"My father..." he expressed simply with a concerned look. He needn't say any more. 

Taeyong ran back upstairs and grabbed his things and clutched them into his arms in a hurried stupor. He paced back downstairs almost tripping over his feet. Something must have been the matter. 

"Are you sure everything's okay?" 

"Yeah. Fine," he assured as he flashed a fake smile, which seemed so odd compared to the ones that adorned his face previously and last night. 

"I gotta go." he shovelled the rest of his food in his mouth, my baggy shirt swaging on his loose frame. When he leaned over, his tight chest was revealed. He planted a quick kiss on my cheek and walked out the door. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I watched him as his figure disappeared. 

I stared at the door as if he was going to come back in. I walked over to the door and clutched the handle. I wanted to burst out and tell him not to leave me. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him to call me... I rested my head on the door and smelt the residue of his scent. 

"See you later then..." 

Taeyong's POV

I grabbed my phone out of the back pocket of my pants that I was wearing last night. Thank god it was still there. 

Dad: Come to headquarters as soon as possible. This is not negotiable. 

"Shit." 

"Is everything okay?" Jaehyun's said as he furrowed his eyebrows. Had a sudden concerned and sympathetic look. 

"Yeah... I think... I think I have to go." I always stuttered when I was nervous or caught off guard. 

"Why?" he inquired. 

"My father..." 

Jaehyun acknowledged this by nodding. I'm glad he didn't linger on and press the fact so I didn't have to make up an excuse as to why I was leaving him so abruptly. 

I practically sprinted back upstairs and grabbed my dirty clothes. I went back down trying to remain as relaxed as possible, but I was failing miserably.

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah. fine." I did my best to flash a smile. 

"I gotta go." I inhaled the rest of the food that I had just made and sadly did not get to enjoy with Jaehyun. Before I left, I planted a kiss on his soft cheeks. I walked out his front door without looking back. If I did, I would have found a reason not to go. 

Taeyong: I'm coming. Should I get a cab?

I walked down the street a bit, distancing myself from Jaehyun's house as much as possible. 

Dad: I tracked your phone. A chauffeur will be there in a black Mercedes.

Ah... nothing like a bit of privacy, I thought. 

Almost on cue, a black car with windows tinted as dark as midnight zoomed down the street and stopped in front of me. The window lowered with an electric hum.

"Lee Taeyong?" 

"Jackson?" I gasped in shock. He got out of the car and opened the front door passenger seat. I got in apprehensively. He took his place in the driver's seat, put the window up and locked the door. The atmosphere was suddenly terrifying. 

"Long time no see, Taeyong." Jackson acknowledged with his deep, husky voice as he put his foot on the accelerator. We reached an illegally high speed within no time. I clutched the side of the seat and attempted to steady my breathing. 

"Yeah... I didn't know you worked for my father." 

"I have for about a year. But in private, behind the scenes business. I just got promoted to be his PA." 

"PA?"

"Personal Assistant." 

Oh no. 

I was now subject to spending time with someone whose memory and being I had been avoiding for the past two years. The last time I saw him was in the locker rooms in year 10 when I made the rash decision to kiss him. A terrible decision, really... I hadn't communicated with him since then. A few weeks later, I left the school, but the thought of what occurred still remained imprinted in my brain, as permanent as ink and as steadfast as an oak tree. 

This could not be happening. This could not be happening. 

"Are you still in school?"

"Finished a year early." He boasted. He was always very academic. 

Our families were close, and his father was in the mafia as well, of course. That's why I became friends with him in the first place because we were both outsiders... People were scared to talk to us because of our reputation. I wondered if I should bring up the kiss... considering it was evidently on both of our minds, and the conversation was laced with an intense undertone. 

I decided against it. What was in the past remained in the past. 

Jackson used to look so innocent... I used to call him Jack, or Jackie... He now had bleached blonde hair and was wearing a black leather jacket, completing his slick all black outfit. He had buffed up a lot. Even under his jacket, I could see the contours of muscles. His pants were tight around his muscular thighs. His shoulders were broad and threatening. 

I missed Jaehyun already. I said that I would stay. I wanted him beside me. I wanted to go back. but now, I was faced with real life. I wanted to feel Jaehyun's hand in mine to remind me that everything would be okay. I wanted to return to my parallel universe. 

I realised that my life, the person that existed on the outside, within the other, was not a waltz in the living room on a sunny Saturday morning while Frank Sinatra spun on a record player while a boy that I loved sang softly in my ear. My life was tinted windows, black cars, and corruption.


	11. BLOW

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

Jackson pressed the intercom at the entrance of the carpark to my father's building. It was a huge anonymous structure, only accessible through a back street. The untrained eye may have thought it was a hotel or office building. It had rooms and it had offices and floor to ceiling reflective windows, but it was none other than the mafia headquarters. I used to spend a lot of time there before I insisted that I move out into my own home.

_Identification, please._

"It's Jackson Wang," he told a robotic sounding voice. The rolling door buzzed and lifted, letting us through. He drove us into the underground carpark where he reversed into a spot. We both got out of the car. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I could feel the food that I had just eaten rising in my throat. Why is it, when I think everything is going just fine, this kind of shit happens?

Jackson escorted me to an elevator and he pressed the up button. When the metallic doors opened, he pressed Floor 30. He was staring straight ahead of him with a cold, empty gaze. His eyes that once used to be so bright and full of life were now hollow and vehement. I felt the elevator rise and I gripped the handrail to steady my weak legs. After what felt like an hour, the doors opened and we stepped out into a large meeting room. My father was sitting at the end of a very long table. Our heels made footfalls on the marble floors, echoing in the silent room. You could have heard a pin drop. I could hear my own heart beating.

My father raised an eyebrow at my sloppy appearance.

He was wearing a black suit with a white shirt, and his hair was slicked down and very neat, as always. I hadn't seen him for a few months but he hadn't aged a bit.

"Taeyong." He greeted me insincerely.

"Hello sir." I bowed in respect, and Jackson did as well.

"Let's skip the formalities and get down to business. Take a seat." He signalled to the other end of the table. Jackson pulled out my chair and I sat down slowly. I straightened my posture and clutched my hands together trying to remain calm and composed. My mouth was dry. Jackson walked over to my father and sat on the seat adjacent to him. Both of them stared me down like hawks. I attempted to maintain eye contact, but my nervous eyes darted all over the place.

"So... I suppose you're wondering why I called you in here so urgently."

"Yes."

"I have something I need you to do... of utmost importance. This is not to be taken lightly."

"Absolutely not, sir."

"Well... the daughter of our rival enterprise is a bachelorette. Her name is Myong Wei-Ren. She's lovely and good looking. I need you to get close to her."

"Um... why? What if she doesn't like me?" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"She is Mr Myong Do-Yeon's only kin. Therefore she is the only one who is in line to inherit the business. And Taeyong... I'm sure she will like you. Your looks will carry you."

"I'm afraid I don't really see what you're getting at."

"When the time is right, you will marry her. Then, let's just say that she will die due to...  _unforeseen_  and  _utterly_   _tragic_  circumstances."

"W-What?"

"That way, when her old and decrepit father dies, and following her subsequent death you will inherit millions of dollars, Taeyong... We will obtain those millions and use it to further benefit our business whilst also eliminating our competition, and putting us in less danger. Mr Myong has been diagnosed with a rare and untreatable form of cancer... In the brain. So, it shouldn't be long before he drops off the face of the earth." He took a sip of his coffee in his delicate white teacup like he had just told me something irrelevant and passing. He placed it back down with a click.

"We will be attending a business conference next Tuesday. There will be a dinner held afterwards. She will be there, and so will you. I believe you understand what you need to do?"

"I'm... I'm..." I shook my head and squeezed my eyes together.

"Is there going to be a problem?"

"No Sir." I managed and I harshly swallowed my dry spit that had accumulated in my mouth.

"Good."

"Can I use the bathroom?" I blurted informally, without manners.

"Yes. We're done here. Jackson, escort him out."

I pushed myself out of my chair and sprinted out and down the hall, opening random doors in a panic. Eventually, I found a bathroom at the end of the hall. I locked the door and threw up violently in the toilet. I clutched the rim of the toilet as I emptied the contents of my stomach. I had just been dealt a crippling blow. I could not even begin to process what had just happened. My eyes were watering from throwing up, and from sadness and shock. I wiped my eyes and my mouth with the back of my hand and flushed the toilet. I exhaled sharply with a groan. I faced myself in the mirror, I was suddenly unable to recognise the person who was staring back at me. 

I did not feel like myself. I splashed my face with cold water as if it would wake me up from this nightmare.

_"You will marry her..."_

The words swirled around my brain like a hurricane and made me dizzy. I wiped my face with a cotton towel and left the bathroom. Of course, Jackson was outside in the hall waiting for me. I looked at my feet as he walked in front of me leading me to the elevator. He pressed the ground floor button which was street level.

"Not even I can believe he's making you do this. I thought you were gay?"

"I'm not gay."

"Why did you kiss me then?" he flashed me a fake smile.

"Fuck off, asshole."

To my pleasure, the doors opened and we walked out into the lobby before he had any time to react.

"I'll see you on Wednesday night," Jackson said in a monotone voice.

I distanced myself from him without bowing, shaking his hand, making eye contact, or even looking back. I walked out of the back door into the lane and out onto the rather empty street. my head was spinning. Nothing felt okay because nothing  _was_  okay. I signalled a cab that was passing by, told the driver my address and it began to make its way to my home.

The day had suddenly turned so malevolent. I was part of this evil world with which I no longer wanted to have anything to do.

The cab pulled up to my house and I handed him cash.

"Keep the change," I said, desperately wanting to go inside.

I slammed the door, ran upstairs and entered my home.

I stood in the entryway and took a few deep breaths.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I gripped my hair and threw my head down violently, not knowing how to express this anger. I hit my palm against the wall and then punched it. I threw the shoe stand onto the floor. I walked into my living room and kicked over the coffee table.

"FUCK!"

After I expressed my rage, my knees gave way and I collapsed onto the floor and began to cry. I wanted jaehyun. I wanted jaehyun. But I always wanted what I couldn't have. I always wanted what was forbidden, I always wanted what would get me in trouble. I always wanted what my father's filthy money could not buy.

"No... no..." I cried helplessly.

How could I continue living like this? How could I continue living a lie?

 _Jaehyun_... Would I tell him what happened? Or would I continue to orchestrate a false reality in which he was the main character?

I lifted the shirt that I was wearing up to my nose. I breathed in Jaehyun's scent and the lingering remnants of his cologne. My tears stained his shirt. I took it off and curled up on the couch, clutching his shirt for dear life as if it was actually him. I felt completely emotionally exhausted and ill. I squeezed my eyes shut, blocking out all evidence of the day and fell into a deep sleep.

~

When I woke up, it was dark, and I had crust around my eyes from dried tears. The rancid taste of vomit was still in my mouth. My house was cold and felt emptier than ever. I sat up and looked at what I had done, completely thrashing my house in an indignant stupor like a child throwing a tantrum. I pushed all thoughts of the day's events to the back of my mind. I tried to think about something else, something happy and bright, but the sad thing was, I could not recall anything. The only recollection of happiness lied with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun and his black hair. Jaehyun and his tall physique, towering over me, protecting me. Jaehyun's pale skin, like a porcelain doll. Jaehyun's scent; a mixture of shampoo, cologne and a faintly burnt undertone of cigarette. Jaehyun and his body, Jaehyun and his moans, Jaehyun and his cries, smiles, laughs, and everything in between. Jaehyun and his eyes, how they could go from intense to loving within a millisecond. Jaehyun and how he stuttered when he was nervous, and how he looked at you like you were the most important person in the world when you were talking. Jaehyun and his delicate ears and his perfectly proportionate face. Jaehyun and the lines that formed by his nose and an extra one on his cheek when he smiled, like whiskers.

_When I made him smile._

Not to mention his dimples, his beautiful dimples... Jaehyun and his defined larynx that moved up and down his neck when he laughed, when he moaned with pleasure, and when he cried. Jaehyun and his straight white teeth. Jaehyun and his beautiful lips, not to plump but not too thin, and how they seemed to fit perfectly with mine like a key and a lock. Jaehyun and how his lips parted when he slept and how his hair fell on his forehead. Jaehyun and the faint freckles on his face, and the little one on his ear that I wanted to caress so desperately. Jaehyun and his beautiful singing voice. Jaehyun and his long legs, and how he waltzed with me with sheer grace and elegance like he had done it a thousand times before. Jaehyun and his muscular thighs, and how I wanted to sit on them, kiss them, touch them. Jaehyun and how he seemed to blink slower when he was looking at me, and how time seemed to slow down to a near halt. Jaehyun and his flushed cheeks. jaehyun and his button nose.

Jaehyun.

_Jaehyun._

"Jaehyun." I whispered and snapped my head up, looking at the door, as if I had suddenly cracked string theory or mastered quantum physics, cracked and equation, or found the answer to the meaning of life. Maybe I did.

He was the only remedy. He was the only one who could heal me. I knew it was bad. I knew I should be distancing myself from him at all costs, so when I eventually had to, it wouldn't hurt as much. I needed him like a flower needs sunlight, without it, it will wither away and die.

I put on Jaehyun's shirt and pulled my shoes on and almost tripped over, needing to steady myself on the wall. It was late so public transport wasn't running, not to mention the fact that it was a weekend, and I couldnt be fucked to call and wait for a cab. I decided to leave my phone at home so my father wouldn't track it again - I was being paranoid, I know... but justifiably so. I ran out into the street, into the middle of the road, and looked left and right. I sprinted in the direction of his house. I felt the adrenaline pumping through me.

 _Jaehyun, I need you, I need you now -_ was the coherent thought cascading through my cluttered mind.

When I met an intersection, I turned my head and faced bright car headlights and screeching tires. I threw my body back slightly but the bonnet still hit me.

"Watch it, kid!"

I couldnt feel anything. It hit me rather gently if that's even possible, but it was enough to push me off my feet. I fell to the floor and scratched my head and back on the rough gravel. I wiped the accumulated blood and sweat off my forehead as if it was nothing, and continued to run. I reached the train line, and followed the street parallel to it, reaching Kaehyun's suburb after about a 15-minute jog.

I stopped for the first time since I left my house and rested my palms on my knees, attempting to catch my breath. I picked myself up and kept running. I knew the way from here. This time, I stuck to the footpath. I rudely pushed commuters out of my way without a care in the world. It didn't matter if they were a middle-aged lady or a toddler.

My feet carried me as fast as they could. I propelled my body like a torpedo through water, like a missile in the air with an enemy target. Towards the end, I was struggling to breathe, but that didn't stop me. I started to feel a stinging sensation in my head.

I traversed a few more streets, eventually reaching the quiet inner suburbs without street lamps. I stopped outside the front of his house and attempted to contain my breathing. I clutched on his front gate as if my life depended on it. The final steps leading up to his house were the hardest. I pulled my exhausted legs up, one after the other and slumped on his front door frame. I lifted up my heavy arm and knocked on his door.

No answer.

I knocked again.

"Please... fucking please." I palmed the door and involuntary tears formed in my eyes. "I need you," I whined helplessly.

I knocked again and there was no answer.

I was completely defeated. I practically let my entire body weight drop and I sat down on Jaehyun's front steps. I nearly tore my hair out as more tears than before fell freely down my cheeks. I rubbed the backs of my hands into my eye sockets as if that would somehow ease my tears.

What miserable mess had I been reduced to? I heard a door click almost inaudibly behind me. I spun around meteorically. 

 _"Taeyong_?"


	12. UNTOLD

What miserable mess had I been reduced to? I heard a door click almost inaudibly behind me. I spun around meteorically. 

 _"Taeyong_?"

I burst out in tears at the sight of him. You'd think that I'd dart up and bolt into his arms at the speed of light. He just stood there, his hand still on the doorknob, in complete and utter shock.

"Taeyong... Tae..."

Jaehyun's jaw swung open upon laying eyes on me. He was frozen solid like he was carved out of ice. I didn't blame him, I wouldn't know what to do if I had a guy sitting on my front door steps crying their eyes out. I buried my face into my arms and completely receded into myself.

"Taeyong, what the hell?" his voice was laced with concern.

"I'm sorry..." I chocked as my voice cracked.

Jaehyun paced over to me and knelt down to my level. He grabbed my chin and brought my face into the light that was radiating from the door.

"Wha... What the fuck happened?" He yelled as he brushed the hair out of the pulsating wound on my forehead.

"I... I just..." I attempted to explain but no words formed. I moved my face away from him and subconsciously pushed my body away from him, suddenly not wanting him to look at me at all. I felt very embarrassed at my displays of weakness towards him, I felt the same way when I just  _had_  to have a nightmare when I was sleeping next to him.

"Taeyong... You're hurt! What the hell?" he grabbed me by the arm and observed my grazed hands.

"I need you." I wept. I mustered up the courage to look into his eyes. He exhaled and pulled me into his arms. I clutched onto his back and pressed my face into his neck as his hand snaked up my nape and held me there.

"Come on," he said as he pulled me up from my armpits, helping me to my feet. My legs felt like jelly due to the build-up of lactic acid in my legs because I was not breathing properly. He clutched my waist and he took my arm around his shoulder and walked me inside. After that run, I couldn't hold myself up anymore. Once the numbing effect of the adrenaline wore off, I felt a crippling pain. My legs gave way and I fell into Jaehyun. I felt his strong arms under my legs as he swept me off the floor. Pain is not controlled by the body, it is felt by the brain.

It was amazing how a chemical can be produced by ourselves to make us physically and mentally alert when we needed to be, when we needed something, in my case, when I was desperate for him. We can be fine one minute and be collapsing the next, all perpetrated by chemical reactions and the communications between our nerve cells. 

For a few moments, everything went black and my ears were ringing. I remember staring up into Jaehyun's face through heavy eyelids as he carried me up to his bedroom.

"Have you eaten recently?"

"No."

"You're sweating so much Tae..."

Despite all this, I smiled.

"Tae... call me Tae again."

"You're so pale. are you going to faint?" he ignored me my demand. 

I shook my head in response to him as he placed me down on his bed and took my shoes off, I sharply exhaled in pain as I grazed, bloody back rubbed on the bed. He sat down beside me and he held my sweaty, wet face in both of his large hands.

"What happened, please tell me..."

"I ran here... a car hit me... my father..."

"Taeyong what the fuck! We have to go to a hospital!" he kept my face in hands as he looked at me intensely, his eyebrows raised in worry.

"I need you right now."

"I'm here... I'm here."

"Please kiss me." I blurted, unable to wait a moment longer.

Without hesitation, Jaehyun leaned down and placed a passionate kiss on my trembling lips as he hovered over me. Our lips moved with each other smoothly and quickly. I held my body up with my arms, sitting up on the bed.

"Please don't cry, stop crying. Everything will be okay." Jaehyun wiped my tears with his thumb and finished by placing a soft kiss on my cheek that made me melt. I felt slightly more relaxed. "What happened with your father today?" he added with a demanding tone.

"I... I can't..."

"Tae, please. I think I'm owed an explanation."

"I just... cant."

Jaehyun sighed and rested his forehead against mine, our nose bridges were pressed together. I closed my eyes as I felt his warm breath against my face.

"Let's get you some help then. I'll call an ambulance."

Jaehyun went to get up from the bed but I grabbed his hand and held it tightly as I could muster.

"I'm fine, please."

"You're clearly not fine," he said protectively in a sudden change of disposition.

"I may be hurt but its just a few scratches." 

"Oh yeah, Taeyong, just a few, and probably a concussion."

"Please... stop." I implored.

"You're lucky my dad is a mess and used to come home fucked up all the time when he got into fights and fell down a flight of stairs for god's sake. Let's get you cleaned up then, at least, okay?"

"Okay..."

Jaehyun got up from the bed and walked over to the door.

"Jaehyun."

He turned around.

"I'm sorry." I spilled. He paused for a moment, looking at the floor in what appeared to be deep thought.

He met my gaze. "Whatever happened... I know that it's not your fault," he stated and continued to walk downstairs.

He couldn't have been more correct. I'm glad that he understood and realised that much.

Jaehyun returned with a first aid kit and a bottle of water. He sat down on the side of the bed and propped his leg up so he was properly facing me. He took off his shirt that I was wearing, a white t-shirt that was now littered with blood. From my horizontal position, Jaehyun folded my body up by grabbing my shoulders and observed the grazes on my back.

"Geez..."

"Is it bad?"

"No... It's not deep, it just covers a large area."

"Okay, Dr Jung."

He snickered, lightening the mood.

"Did the car hit you hard?"

"No... It just threw me back. It hit my thigh. I'll probably have a bruise for a while."

"You must have been running in the middle of the road."

"I was."

"Why for god's sake? You're lucky that you didn't break your neck!" he fretted. I felt careless and regrettable because I caused him so much worry.

"I just wanted to get here... I wasn't thinking straight." I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to recall the crash. It all happened so fast, I could barely cling to a faint memory of it.

"Jesus Tae... come on, let's get you washed up." Jaehyun helped me to my feet and I limped to the bathroom. He ran a hot bath and then unbuttoned my pants (his pants), and slid them off. He went to remove my boxers until I stopped him.

"I want to keep some of my dignity."

"Right."

Honestly, I felt like I had embarrassed myself enough and I was in no mood to expose myself. I already felt emotionally naked, completely stripped to the bone. Albeit, I admired his confidence in taking charge of the situation. It showed that he was now comfortable with me, which in turn made me more comfortable with him.

I stepped into the bath and lowered myself down carefully, feeling the hot water against my legs as it continued to rise.

Jaehyun kneeled beside the tub and dipped a face washer into the water.

"Close your eyes." I did as I was prompted and felt him press the washer into my wound, making me wince and flinch. he brushed it gently, getting out any dirt and debris. I liked the feeling of him taking care of me. I was so used to taking care of myself that even someone showing the slightest bit of guidance made me content.

He pulled my shoulder forward and began on my grazed back, which hurt the most. I felt a shiver of pain through my body. Jaehyun picked up a bucket that was sitting on the side of the tub and swept up some water and poured it slowly over my head. I let the warm sensation soothe me. He handed me the washer and I ran it over my body getting rid of the stench that I had generated from running so far, so quickly. Jaehyun sat down on the floor beside the tub and looked at me fondly.

"You're okay now," he assured tenderly.

"I liked it when you called me Tae."

"You're okay now, Tae."

I smiled weakly and blushed.

"You know what would make me feel even better? If you could sing for me."

Jaehyun shook his head and released a nervous laugh.

"I can't, I think my soul left my body. You nearly gave me a heart attack." He placed his hand on his heart.

"I'm so so so sorry Jaehyun." I lamented.

"Stop apologising. I'm glad you came to me."

"Why?"

He paused and bit his lip.

"Because I... I want to be your first choice. I want to be someone that you come to when you're sad." he hesitated, lowering the volume of his voice as he trailed off.

"I couldnt think of anybody but you."

I hung my hand outside of the bath and he interlinked our fingers. We made eye contact solemnly.

"I was worried all day, it's like I knew that something had happened... I wanted to call you but I don't even have your number."

Our connection transcended space and time like we had strings attached to each other that conveyed our emotions.

"I really... I..." I stuttered and blubbered like an anxious idiot.

"You what?" he inquired curiously.

I took a deep breath and submerged my entire body under the bathwater as if it would help me escape the thought that I had just expressed, or as if it was a portal that would transfer me away from what I had just raised.

Jaehyun grabbed my arm and pulled me back up.

"I love you, Jaehyun."

He pressed his teeth into his bottom lip and tried to control his gorgeous smile.

"I love you too, Tae."

That's all that I wanted to hear. I pushed myself up and begged for another kiss from him, which he gave me so very gently. We separated and both smiled with blushing cheeks at the cheesy atmosphere that we had just established.

I stood up out of the bathtub and Jaehyun wrapped a thick white towel around my body, and commenced to dry me gently. I felt some of my strength return and my head felt less light and dizzy. Jaehyun went out of the bathroom into his bedroom and returned with clothes.

"I always end up wearing your shit."

"That's because it looks better on you than it does on me." Jaehyun mocked playfully as he placed them in my hands and closed the bathroom door, giving me some privacy.

My cold heart and warmed up again, Jaehyun kindled the dim flame within me once again.

I put on the pyjamas he gave me, once again, they hung off my frame loosely, swaying when I walked. I attempted to tame my hair in the mirror. My eyes looked hollow and untamed, the dark bags beneath them made my face look gaunt and despondent. I noted that I recognised myself again. I had returned to my body, I had returned to reality. I shook my head, draped the towel over the side of the tub, and walked back into Jaehyun's room and made myself comfortable on his bed. It was empty for a moment, but then he returned with a bottle of antiseptic cream.

He sat down beside me again and grabbed some gauze from the first aid kit which he opened and put on his bedside table.

"This is gonna sting a little," he disclosed softly. I nodded as he pressed the gauze into my head. I bit my lip as he covered my wound thoroughly. He got a band-aid out of the kit and placed it on my forehead, pressing it down with his index finger, trying his best not to hurt me.

"You're good at this."

"I've had a lot of practice."

Jaehyun got a cotton swab and dipped it into the cream.

Jaehyun observed my face closely as if he really was a doctor and I was his patient.

"Your eyebrow is cut pretty deep... It's gonna scar. I don't think the hair is going to grow back either."

"Fantastic." I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Sorry..." he said as he pressed the swab into my eyebrow, obviously having to apply the cream more liberally due to it being deep and in an active spot, meaning that the wound could reopen once my blood coagulated, making it prone to infection.

Jaehyun got a wound closure strip and pulled my cut together so that it would heal faster.

"What should I say at school tomorrow? Oh fuck... I completely forgot about it until now."

"Say you got into a fight."

"Or maybe I should say I ran into a tree."

"Stop it. We already established that it was a shit lie."

"We're both in the wars. Our lives are like a battlefield."

"I guess you could say that."

Jaehyun unbuttoned my pyjama shirt and slipped it down and rested on my hips. I shivered as my body came into contact with the cold night air. Jaehyun dabbed antiseptic onto my back and strapped me up with a bandage, wrapping it under my arm and securing it with some medical tape. He pulled my shirt back up and he smiled, satisfied with his job.

"You look as fresh as a daisy now." 

I silently disagreed. He packed up his things and joined me in lying down on his bed. Jaehyun was lying on his side I followed his lead.

"Where's your father? Has he come home yet?"

"No, thank god... I think you scared the shit out of him. Anyways, let's not talk about our lives for the time being."

"Kay. I agree."

Without any effort at all, I had successfully avoided telling him about what happened this morning. I knew that the subject would arise again, but I decided not to ruminate on it. I just wanted to enjoy my time with Jaehyun, my current saviour. He was staring at me intently and I squirmed.

"Stop looking at me. I look like shit." 

Jaehyun let out a fake sigh. "Well, if you say so."

Jaehyun smiled and faced his back to me and folded his arms into his chest. I could see his cheeks rising from the back of his head as his smirk widened.

"Turning your back on your hyung like that?! Rude!" I pinched the back of his neck and he let out a suppressed snicker. I tried pulling him back over onto his back, but his strong body did not budge. I couldn't go very long without his attention.

"You told me to Tae. I'm just doing as my hyung told me to."

"Stoooooooop." I moaned like a spoilt kid. "I was joking." I shook his body and he giggled. Finally, I pulled his body back around and I climbed on top of him, straddling him. He covered his eyes with his hands. I tried to pull them away by grabbing his wrists. We were both laughing like idiots. Finally, his grip relaxed and I was met with his beautiful face, looking up into mine. His warm eyes almost disappeared when he smiled widely.

"It's impossible for you to look like shit Tae, in case you were wondering." he flattered me shamelessly.

I pinned his hands down beside him, and rested my body against his, hovering my lips over his. Jaehyun's jaw dropped slightly, begging for my tongue to enter his mouth. I kissed him slowly, cherishing every nuance and every detail of his body and lips. As I let my weight settle on him, I could feel his muscles flexing and retracting and his chest rising and falling with each breath, his ribs becoming more pronounced as he exhaled.

Jaehyun's hand escaped my grip and he ran his hand along the centre of my back.

As expected, the entire world completely faded away. It didn't matter what remained unsaid, what remained untold. My silence kept me safe for the time being and drowned out the pain of the day. I hated how much I needed him. I hated how much I wanted him. I felt and an inkling of frustration rise inside my chest, but I suppressed it by deepening our kiss. I ran my tongue along his and moaned into him. He pulled away from the kiss and stopped for breath.

"It's getting late."

"Excuse me, I was enjoying that."

"So was I, trust me... but I don't really think now is the time. We have school tomorrow."

That was gay code for  _"I want to be able to walk tomorrow."_

"Right. I guess so." I got off him and lay down beside him. He lifted up my left leg and placed it over his body, and began to stroke it lightly as his eyes grew heavier. I pulled his shirt up over his head. I wanted to be in contact with his beautiful, soft skin. It didn't deserve to be covered by a shirt. Jaehyun didn't even question my actions. He let me trace patterns into his torso and chest. How was it that we had managed to spend almost every night with each other? Fate brought us together, and I thanked her for it, even though it was for unfortunate reasons.

Jaehyun switched off his lamp.

"Sleep well Tae."

"I will because I'm with you."

"Stop being so cliche."

I placed a kiss on his jaw, and I fell asleep soundly to the steady sound of his breathing and him stroking my leg, progressively stopping as we both oozed into darkness. 


	13. DEAL

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I woke up to myself snuggling into Taeyong. I eased myself out of sleep, opening my eyes slowly. I nuzzled into Taeyong further and kissed his neck in attempt to wake him up.

Suddenly, I remembered it was a school day. I flung myself off the bed, landing on the floor with a thud, and scrambled over to my desk, grabbed my alarm clock, knocking over my tin of pens in the process.

"FUCK! Taeyong get up! Get up! We're so late!"

"What?"

"We have school in half an hour, get up get up get up!"

Taeyong rolled over and threw the covers over his head in defiance. I ripped them off him and pulled his arm.

"Come on, lazy ass."

Taeyong looked up from where I had pulled him on the bed. Suddenly his eyes widened, and he turned onto his stomach and then knelt on the bed.

"Wow, Jaehyun... You got some intense morning wood there."

I looked down and was greeted by my dick standing right up. I covered it with my hands promptly.

"Wow... You're so hard!" Taeyong teased and smirked flirtatiously.

"Let me help you with that" he offered as he grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my crotch. His lips nearly met my lower stomach when I snapped out of his spell.

"No. We have to go. It'll go away by itself."

I went to my cupboard and slid the doors open. I tossed Taeyong one of my older, smaller uniforms that I thought would more than likely be his size. I also threw him my old school pants that were a little worn and had a patch on the knee, but they would do the trick for the day.

The uniform landed on Taeyong's head and he pulled it off, attempting to look pissed off but failing miserably. I stripped out of my pyjamas, pulled my uniform on, put on my socks, threw everything on my desk into my bag (including my alarm clock which I would later discover) and my cigarettes. I threw Taeyong a tote bag from my cupboard and gave him a pen and one of my spare notebooks. He didn't have any of his own personal school supplies, but when he was in class with me we could always share.

Taeyong groaned and winced in pain slightly as he tentatively and overcautiously pulled the uniform over his head, careful not to reopen any of his cuts. I saw that he was struggling and went to go and help him.

"Here." I pulled down gently and helped to guide his arms through their respective holes, and did his buttons up for him. I spat in my hands and ran them through his hair to style it, pushing his hair down to cover his wounded forehead.

"EW! Jae  _that's disgusting!" His arms flailed and I laughed at his reaction. As if he hadn't done that before?_   I thought. Must be a poor kid thing.

The good old-fashioned trick never failed me. He looked as handsome as ever. In fact, the wounds gave his face more character and dare I say it - made him look like a bad boy.

"Stand up and step into these pants."

"They're going to make me look like a homeless person."

"Want to wear ones that are three sizes too big or no pants at all?" I offered an alternative.

"No pants." he mocked and winked and kissed the air.

"Fuck off with the attitude. It's too early for this shit."

"Okay, Daddy."

"What?"

"What?"

"I didn't say anything."

I pulled his pants up and shook my head in disbelief. I tried to contain my laugh but eventually let it go, Taeyong punched my arm playfully. Taeyong was hysterical. He thought he was a real comedian. He grabbed his bag and I grabbed his upper arm and pulled him downstairs.

"Shoes on let's go let's go let's go!" I clapped my hands trying to speed him up.

"Jaehyun why don't we just call a cab?"

_Did he really want to be seen arriving at school with me?_

"I don't want you to pay for one. I don't have enough cash." I tried to make up an excuse.

"Shut up. It's the least I can do. We'll get there on time if we do."

"Okay, thanks Tae." I gave in. People would have to find out eventually. I'm sure my group already knew about us. If Ten knew, then it's no doubt Lucas knew, and if Lucas knew, Mark would have found out as well. But it wasn't them I was worried about.

He called a cab and it arrived within 5 minutes. We both sat in the back and Taeyong greeted the driver and told him the address. The car sped off and I felt relieved that we wouldn't be late. The reason why I was so worried is that there is a penalty taken off your final score at the end of the year if you have a certain number of absences. That year, I needed all of the marks that I could get.

As I was looking out the window, admiring trees swaging in the wind, I felt Taeyong grab my hand from my thigh. I looked down at it and then looked up at him. He was looking out the window. I interlinked my fingers with him and we remained that way for the rest of the trip. I ran the tops of my fingers over his bony knuckles and ran my thumb along his index finger. This seemingly insignificant and minimal amount of contact never failed to make my heart flutter.

~

The car pulled up right outside the school, and my heart skipped a beat. People would see us together. Our hands separated and I tried to remain calm. I waited for Taeyong to pay and join me in crossing the road. Needless to say, we attracted a few rude stares and whispers from my classmates and other guys in my grade. I looked over at Taeyong to gauge his reaction. He was emotionless, not having a care in the world, just like when we were linking arms and walking down the street yesterday. I attempted to mimic his actions and looked straight ahead of me, not paying attention to a group of boys who were smirking smugly and pointing at us.

To my sheer delight, I spotted my group, my boys, from across the quad. My lips instantly formed into a smile, and Taeyong and I picked up our pace to reach them faster. I slapped each of their hands and said hello.

"Hey, guys! How are you both! Taeyong, how nice to see you!" Lucas chirped.

"We're just fantastic!" I couldn't help but notice the subtle undertone of sarcasm in his voice." Also, your party was great. you should have one again sometime," he added.

"Ah... maybe not for a while. It took me 10 hours to clean everything up." Lucas said as he scratched his head.

"That's just part of the fun though, right?" Ten added.

"Shit... Taeyong, what happened to your eye?" Mark inquired abruptly.

I had attempted to hide his cuts with his hair but the wind must have blown it back.

"Oh yeah... had a bit of a nasty fall when I was drunk." Taeyong shoved his hands into his pockets nervously.

"He was a mess. You should have seen him!" I filled in and laughed, trying to back him up.

"You guys won't believe was Lucas did. He slipped down the stairs and hurt his ass, I swear to god he could have broken his neck."

I could see relief wash over Taeyong as the subject focus was taken away from him.

"Shut up  _Ten_! I hate you!"

"That's not what you told me last night."

"Hey!" Lucas tackled Ten's waist playfully and softly, and his cheeks and the tops of his ears flushed a shade of bright red. We all erupted into laughter.

"OOOOOOOHHHHH," Mark said as he covered his mouth and spun around, unable to believe what Ten just did to Lucas. We shared a few more moments of blissful laughter and a very flustered Lucas.

The bell rang and all of our smiles faded. Mark groaned and said goodbye. Lucas and Ten were bickering as their figures melted into the crowd. Taeyong and I made it to our first class of the day, English.

It felt so good to be back at school, which was rather ironic. School was the only constant in my life... somewhere that I knew I could go 5 days a week without fail. It felt refreshing to have a break from my dramatic weekend. So much had happened... last time I was here with Taeyong, we barely knew each other. Last night I told him that I loved him and he told me that he loved me. Who would have thought?

We sat down next to each other in our usual positions, and the lessons commenced. I let my mind wander as I completed the task the teacher set for us in silence. When it was time to share our answers with the class, I felt a hand move up my thigh, stroking it rather firmly.

"What the hell are you doing?" I whispered while looking down at my paper, trying not to draw attention to myself. Taeyong did not retort, instead, he looked straight at the teacher and the right side of his lips formed into a smirk.

I squeezed his hand and pushed it away, but my hand hit the bottom of the table rather loudly, hurting my knuckles. The guys sitting on the table in front of us turned around. I acted like nothing happened. Taeyong did not relent. This time, running his hand on my inner thigh, he stopped at my crotch and ran the back of his fingers along my crotch.

"Jaehyun, please read your answer for question 8."

_Fucking hell. Of course._

"Yes, sir... uh..."

Taeyong pressed down on my crotch with the palm of his hand, admiring the lump that was forming under my trousers.

"The poet was trying to convey his scattered thoughts through the use of alliteration and a loose rhyming scheme..."

I closed my eyes and let my eyes roll to the back of my head. I opened them again and let out a breath.

"This is particularly evident in stanza three where the poet..."

_I cant handle this._

"The poet, uh..." I felt heat rise to my face.

"Yes, Jaehyun?" the teacher prompted me to spit out my answer.

"The poet demonstrates this in the third stanza which reads:  _the thousand sordid images of which your soul was constituted; They flickered against the ceiling,_ which also demonstrates the fractured nature of not only him but his c-context." I blurted.

"Thank you. That's a good analysis." The teacher gave me a curious and judgemental look and I attempted to smile. Taeyong pressed down even harder. Without thinking, I stamped my foot to relieve some of the pressure that had gathered within me and clutched the table and let out a moan, making everyone in the room look at me, including the teacher. Taeyong's hand snapped back to his lap.

Do you ever just want to slam your head into a brick wall? Or bury it in wet concrete and wait for it to dry?

"I have a sore stomach," I said with wide eyes.

"I see... do you need to go to the nurse's office?"

"No."

"Okay then. Haechan, please answer question 9."

I exhaled and stomped on Taeyong's foot under the table.  _He was dead._ I tried to avert my attention away from the bulge in my pants by staring at the words on my page and tracing the letters with my eyes. Taeyong sat back in his chair and folded his arms, and chewed on the inside of his cheek with a triumphant simper. I considered this payback for denying him before.

A few more minutes passed and the bell rang. Taeyong and I waited for the classroom to empty before I stood up and pushed his shoulder.

"Ow!" he shrieked as he began to cackle while clutching his stomach.

"Are you fucking crazy? Are you really  _that_  fucking crazy?"

"It was a joke, Jaehyun!"

"You've got a goddamn nerve, LeeTaeyong." I poked his chest and then packed my things into my bag.

"You're just angry because it felt good."

"I'm angry because you made me look like I was getting my dick sucked under the table."

"Is that what you want me to do?"

"TAEYONG!"

"Yes, baby?"

"Don't ' _yes baby'_  me... What's with your attitude today?"

"I'm just in a good mood... nothing more, nothing less."   
I sighed. I was happy that he was in a good mood, but he was also being way too flirty and inappropriate. I liked that side of him, but not at school where I could easily give myself away, start rumours, and ruin both mine and Taeyong's reputation.

"Can I come over this afternoon to finish our assignment?"

"Yeah.  _To finish our assignment_ , though." I insisted.

"Yes, of course. after all, I do take my studies seriously," he affirmed.

Taeyong stood up and grabbed his things.

"I'll see you at lunch Tae."

"I can't wait, baby." He kissed me on the cheek, in school, with the risk of being seen, smirked and left me dumbfounded, and ran out of the classroom.

I sat through the rest of my classes all the way up to lunch in silence. I was able to concentrate a lot better, for some reason. I still occasionally thought about Taeyong, but it's not because I was dreading seeing him... it was because I wanted to see him. The thought of seeing him at lunch made me relaxed, and therefore I was able to concentrate a lot better.

When lunch rolled around, I met Taeyong in the cafeteria where we both bought our lunches using our school cards, which acted like credit cards but were only able to be used within our school.

"They aren't here. they must be around the back." I lead Taeyong across the field behind the sports shed and was met by my friends all having a smoke.

"I knew you'd find us here," Lucas said as he smiled and exhaled a breath of smoke.

Mark handed me his cigarette and I nodded, bidding him thanks.

We both sat down with our backs against the wall. Taeyong closed his eyes, enjoying the perfect weather. It was one of those days where it was warm in the sun, but cold in the shade. Taeyong rested his head back on the wall with his sandwich in his lap. The sun made his melanin glow. His skin was sweet like honey. He truly looked like an angel, his face was glowing. He must have sensed me staring at him because he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. In the sun, his dark pupils were a dark copper colour, bordering on orange. He took the cigarette out of my lips and took a drag. I didn't even know that he smoked.

The boys were talking about something in the background, but I didn't take notice of them. It's like my vision blurred everything out, and my hearing cancelled the sound of their voices. All of my senses were absorbed by Taeyong.

"Let's do blowbacks," he suggested.

"That's so immature. Are you 12?"

"I don't care, it's fun."

Taeyong took a long exhale from the cigarette perched gracefully between his fingers and held the back of my neck, pulling me closer. He blew the cigarette smoke into my open mouth, and i inhaled it.

"Can you two just go out already?" Ten remarked as he looked at Taeyong and I fondly.

"W-what?" I blushed and sucked up my noodles nervously.

"Only if you and Ten go out." Taeyong delivered an agreement of sorts.

"What the hell?" Lucas said as we looked at each other apprehensively.

"Okay, deal."

Here we have an example of the two confident gays and the two panicked gays of the group in their natural habitat.

"What? I never agreed to go out with you!"

"Well, I guess I should ask you again then, Lucas. Do you want to go out with me?"

"Of course." Lucas's demeanour softened as he smiled gently.

Poor Mark was sitting on the sidelines being the confused and innocent maknae that he was.

"What do you say, Jaehyunie?" Taeyong raised his eyebrows and ran his hand along my arm, making the rest of my group laugh.

"Uh... okay... sure."

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Ten sassed.

"I bet his soul is jumping for joy, though." Taeyong winked at me and moved closer, throwing his arm around my shoulders. He was right. I could not have been happier, and I'm sure that deep down, Taeyong knew that as well. I didn't have to say it. He rested his weight on me as we both sat contently in the sun, the obscured shadows casting down upon us, leaving an ornate print on our skin.

I couldn't help but smile at the triviality of it all. I was now going out with Lee Taeyong.

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

"What do you say, Jaehyunie?" I raised my eyebrows and ran my hand along his arm in a theatrical manner.

"Uh... okay... sure," he said without much emotion.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Ten scoffed.

"I bet his soul is jumping for joy, though." I winked at jaehyun and moved closer, throwing his arm around my shoulders. I felt him press his body against me and he leaned his head on my shoulder.

Then, it hit me... it hit me like thunder hit a tree on a humid night followed by rain. The perfection of the moment had made me lose my resolve...

What in god's name was I doing?


	14. CONTROL

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

What in god's name was I doing?

I was meant to be distancing myself from him... and there I was... practically begging for him to go out with me.

I spent the rest of the day's classes thinking about Jaehyun and the event that was on tomorrow night. I was meant to be meeting the girl that I was supposed to acquaint myself with. 

_Not just acquaint myself with, but marry._

Shivers ran down my spine whenever I thought about it. It made me so angry that my life had been hijacked, like how terrorists would hijack a plane or a building, and I was the hostage, the victim, the one with the gun pointed at my head. At that time, I did not grasp the severity of the situation. My life was on the line, but I did not want to admit that to myself. Another innocent girl's life was also on the line. I shook my head, squeezed my eyes and held my head in my hands when I was meant to be studying.

At the end of the day, I met Jaehyun at the school gates and he greeted me with a smile. A smile so angelic, wide and pure that it of his that hid all of his sufferings so damn well, too well. When our bodies met I gave him a suspiciously tight hug. He did not question this.

"How are your wounds?" he said while brushing the hair out of my face.

"They're okay. They don't hurt as much any more."

"It's good they don't look infected."

We both walked to the train station in content silence. I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to touch him so badly. I wanted to show him love in public, I wanted to show him off, I wanted to show that he was mine. 

I couldnt resist the temptation of his beautiful skin any more. When we arrived at the train station and were waiting on the platform, I brushed my fingers along his delicate hands. We had the blessing of being in the midst a crowded space and the connotative anonymity. Jaehyun spread his fingers and I slipped my hand into his. When the train arrived and we sat down, he did not pull away from my grip.

He was becoming more confident with touching me in public. Part of me wanted him to scowl and retreat, to call me disgusting, and to tell him to never talk to me again. That's what should have been happening. That's what I should be saying to him to break his heart, to break my heart, so distancing myself from him wouldn't be so hard when the time came... when I would be living a lie.

Jaehyun reached into his pocket and got his earphones and phone. he handed me an earbud and put one into his own ear and then plugged them into the port.

In our ears, a beautiful melody commenced.

"It's Frank Sinatra. Ever since you discovered the record that day, I listened to the whole thing and downloaded it into my phone."

**_((a/n: pls listen to the song linked above))_ **

"I'm so glad you like it." I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes and let the melody soothe me.

_I'm a fool to want you_

_I'm a fool to want you_

_To want a love that can't be true_

_A love that's there for others too_

As soon as the lyrics started, my eyes widened. Was jaehyun trying to tell me something? Obviously not, because he wasn't acting suspicious or perturbed. I genuinely just think that he liked the song, he didn't even know anything about my situation. I decided then that I had to tell him... somehow, somehow... 

_I'm a fool to hold you_

_Such a fool to hold you_

_To seek a kiss not mine alone_

_To share a kiss the Devil has known_

I felt jaehyun rest his head on top of mine. Our hands were still intertwined with each other. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt angry... I felt so angry... but all I could do was just enjoy being with jaehyun.

_Time and time again I said I'd leave you_

_Time and time again I went away_

_But then would come the time when I would need you_

_And once again these words I'll have to say_

A tear rolled down my cheek from my closed eyes. The train was crowded and rather hot, and there were men with black briefcases standing in front of us, on their phones, reading the newspaper not even looking at us. It was like we did not exist. We could have been sitting on the beach in the Bahamas with sun-kissed skin, alcohol from a sweet and cool cocktail flowing through our veins, we could have been in London on a Ferris wheel, we could have been in a cafe in Paris drinking bitter coffee in the tourist sector and smoking cheap cigarettes, we could have been in Japan sitting in a garden full of cherry blossom trees... we could have been in Iceland sitting in the middle of a moor. We could have been in a grand medieval castle, in which Jaehyun was the prince of the kingdom and i was his loyal jester.

_Take me back, I love you_

_Pity me, I need you_

_I know it's wrong, it must be wrong_

_But right or wrong I can't get along_

_Without you_

The song finished and Jaehyun pulled out his earbud and I did the same. We got off the train and pushed through the thick sea of bodies. When we reached the street we walked on the empty footpath back to his house. As soon as we entered his home and closed the door, I wanted to jump on him, to kiss him, to fuck him. But I was there to "work on our assignment." we both went upstairs after taking our uniform jackets off and shoes.

"Okay, let's get started. How much have you done?"

"About half of it but it could use some tweaking. I think you have a better understanding of the poems than me."

"Okay. I'll edit what you've got and add some more paragraphs. You read the final poem and try and take a lot of notes, maybe even write a draft paragraph. Is that cool?"

"I love it when you talk poetry to me." it was getting increasingly harder to hide how horny and desperate I was.

"Stop. Let's get to work." Jaehyun scoffed and sat at his desk, and I lied down on his bed on my stomach with my books sprawled in front of me.

I attempted to read the words and attempted to concentrate, I tried, I really did... but I was just looking at Jaehyun the whole time. His shoulders were broad and alluring... even the back of his head was sexy.

"I'm hungry."

"There's food downstairs," he said without even looking up.

"That was a rude thing to say to your hyung."

"Hmm-mm," he said not even acknowledging what I said because he was concentrating and obviously couldn't multitask. He didn't even realise I was trying to flirt with him.

Five minutes of me pretending to work passed, five minutes of me writing  _tae loves jae_  down on a piece of paper with love hearts and butterflies. I felt like i was in year 10 again, when i felt that way about Jackson, and we would hang out at each other's houses after school playing video games because we were "best friends", not lovers.

But he was my lover. And I wanted him.

I got up from the bed and hugged him from behind.

"Jaehyun..." I whispered in his ear, attempting to turn him on.

"Taeyong, not right now."

"Please baby... I've been waiting all day."

"I'm busy right now, we have to get this done."

"Come on baby, it can wait... We can do it later."

"Taeyong I'm serious, I'm trying to concentrate." he snapped. I took my hands off him and scoffed.   
  
"Geez, okay then."

He got back to work like nothing had happened. This angered me. 

Fuck it, I thought.

I swivelled his chair around and sat on top of him, taking the pen out of his hand and throwing it behind him on his desk.

"What happened to my submissive little Jaehyunie who used to get so nervous around me?" I cupped his face in my hands and I cocked my head to the side, looking at his lips. His eyes darted everywhere but my face.

"You still make me nervous... You'll always make me nervous, Tae."

"That's what I wanna hear, baby."

I leaned in to kiss him, and he turned his head to the side.

"I can't right now."

"Why baby, why..." 

"We have work to do... I thought you said you liked to get things done right away?"

"I also want you to kiss me, right away." 

Finally, he turned his face up to kiss me. I felt his hands on my back, he closing what little space there was between us. I arched my back down, pressing my crotch against his. He grabbed my ass and slid his hands under my pants. His tongue implored for entry into my mouth and my jaw swung open as he made the kiss more sensual. For once, he was taking the lead.

I ran my hands all over his body and took off his t-shirt. I ran my hands down his chest, clutching his small waist and feeling his warm body. I felt Jaehyun's hands widen as he ran his separated fingers down my back. His hands were so big that they almost covered the entire surface area of my back. I winced and flinched slightly when he accidentally brushed over one of my cuts. he pulled away immediately.

"I'm sorry, babe."

He whispered and moaned at the same time.

"Did you really just call me babe?"

It turned me on so much. Hearing jaehyun say things that he usually wouldn't and were not so innocent sent me wild. He could tell, as my dick hardened and pulsated.

"You like it when I call you that?"

I nodded and swallowed as I was gasping for breath. He pressed my body onto his, even more, circling my ass with his hands. I wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me again, moving our lips as quickly as we could, engulfing each other. He moved down to my neck and began to suck on it, not so gently, for once. I moaned as he made a love bite on my neck, licking it, sucking it, and eventually, biting it softly. I felt his teeth press into my neck as he stopped for breath, and I ran my hands through his hair, trying to encourage him to continue. His soft lips made their way up to under my jaw, and he continued to suck, making a love bite in a rather conspicuous spot, but that didn't bother me.

I wanted remnants of our love stained into my skin. Hell, I would get his name tattooed on my cock if he asked me to. I belonged to him now, and he belonged to me. Jaehyun moved up to my ear and nibbled on it gently before he did something that literally made me come.

He picked me up effortlessly, kicked the chair away violently, sending it crashing to the floor, and virtually put me down on the desk rather roughly and wrapped my legs around him. He ran his hands down my thighs while his eyes narrowed, making shameless eye contact with me.

I moaned with pleasure and threw my head back, and felt wet pre-cum in my underwear. Jaehyun fumbled as he undid my belt and slid my pants and my boxers out from underneath me in one swift movement. He ripped my shirt off and I undid his pants and helped him pull them down.

"Fuck, you're so..." he whispered before he crashed his lips on mine yet again.

To my surprise, he knelt down and kissed my thighs, sucking on the soft skin gently. He rubbed the inside of my legs and lingered near my groin. I wanted to tell him  _'just suck it already'_  but I somehow stopped myself. He knew I was getting impatient, so he looked up and flashed me an evil smirk that I had never seen on him before. I returned his smile and then he engulfed my dick in his mouth, sucking on the tip and pressing down on it with his tongue.

"Ugh... oh my god" I couldn't help but say. I felt a rush of pleasure through me.

Within the span of a few days, Jaehyun had become the master of sucking my dick. I found it funny that last week he said he wasn't gay, and then he was acting as the uncharacteristically authoritative in that instance.

He deep throated me, and his teeth didn't scrape my shaft once. He was sucking me off and rubbing my inner thigh at the same time, stimulating me so much that I could not contain any moans of pleasure. The window was slightly ajar and I'm sure his neighbours would have heard me. I didn't care. Let them hear the song of my pleasure.

I came in his mouth without warning, and this time around, Jaehyun swallowed it all swiftly, only scowling at it slightly. I gathered my breath as I smiled down at him. I hopped up from the desk and he stood up. I pushed him back on the bed and I climbed on top of him. Jaehyun intertwined his legs around my calves and he ran his smooth, soft legs along mine.

Jaehyun still had some of my come nestled in the corners of his mouth. I wiped it off with my fingers and sucked them clean.

"You're such a freak" he shook his head and smirked mischievously.

"That's my middle name," I said while smiling down at him. He pressed his lips against mine.

"I wanna fuck," Jaehyun admitted to me with an impish pout. He had returned back to his regular submissive self.

"You go from denying me to begging for it." I whispered while grinding against him.

"Just fuck me already." He rolled his eyes.

I sucked my index, middle, and ring finger coating them with a thick layer of spit. I knelt in-between his spread legs and coated his hole with spit, lubricating him up. He groaned with pleasure. When I was finished, I leaned up and hovered over him and gave him a final kiss. Then, I grabbed my hard length and put it in his hole. Both of us groaned. I kneeled between Jaehyun's legs and he thrust his crotch up so my length would hit his prostate.

Jaehyun gripped the sheets and arched his back. I pushed into him, back and forth, still keeping my pace relatively slow as he was relatively new to this.

Well, he wasn't new to it... he was new to it in a romantic sense, so I wanted to take it slow so I wouldn't turn him off sex even more. Jaehyun looked so sexy as he pushed his head back into the pillow and rested his arms against his head.

"Harder Tae." He whispered. I gave him what he wanted, and thrust myself into him deeper. We both lasted so long, enjoying the pleasure of sex and enjoying the build-up to the climax, to the picturesque pinnacle of the mountain where we would both lose control. After a few more minutes and when both of our groans intensified, I came inside him, pressing my ejaculating member against his prostate, filling his weak spot with my warm fluid. Subsequently, this made him come.

I pulled out of him and collapsed on my back beside his sweaty body. Jaehyun was smiling weakly as he was breathing heavily with his eyes closed. I grabbed his cheek and pulled his cheek over to face mine. I grabbed a tissue from the bedhead and wiped his come off his stomach.

"You amaze me" I could help but say.

His smile widened in response to me as he was too breathless to talk. The afternoon sun was rich and golden, illuminating the shadowy room slightly. Jaehyun's abdominals cast shadows, and half of his face was engulfed by darkness. We sat in silence for a few moments, steadying our breathing, and simply enjoying the moment... albeit, thoughts were swirling around my head that needed to be said. 

"Baby... I need to tell you something." I couldn't hold it back anymore. The aura between us shifted to one with a slightly more sober undertone. Jaehyun turned over and lay on his stomach, and rested his torso on his forearms.

"What's wrong?" He cocked his head and his gaze intensified. He must have been slightly alarmed by my sudden change in countenance.

"I should have told you earlier." I shook my head and covered my eyes with the back of my hands.

"Tae, what's wrong?" He moved one of my hands and looked into my eyes, completely absorbing my soul.

"Something very bad has happened. Something really fucking bad."

"Please tell me."

"You have to promise me, please promise me that you won't get angry at me... please..."

"I won't get angry at you, I promise. Even if I do I'm sure it won't be for long." He assured.

"My father he..."

"It's his fault isn't it?" Jaehyun interjected.

"He needs me to date, someone."

"What?" Jaehyun furrowed his eyes, looking very confused.

"He needs me to date a girl."   
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"He needs me to date a girl and then marry her..." I looked at the ceiling, not having the audacity or the confidence to make eye contact with him. It would just break my heart even more if I looked at him, and seeing his heartbreak. I swallowed my spit nervously.

"He doesn't know that you're gay? Why though, Tae?"

"He needs me to date her and then marry her because her father is about to die. He needs me to inherit the money that would otherwise be left for her." 

"What the fuck? But you'll only share the money if you marry her, right?"

"That's why I have to... or my father, hopefully... is going to kill... kill her."

"Oh my fucking god." Jaehyun covered his mouth with his hand. He looked at me with disbelief.

"I'm so sorry baby. I'm so so sorry baby. Its fucked up, it's so fucked up, but I had to tell you. There wasn't really a nice way or a good time to tell you" I sat up on the bed and looked down at him.

"I just can't believe that he's making you do that."

"Are you angry at me?"  
  
"Why would I be angry at you? I'm shocked and scared... But not angry."

"You're meant to be angry at me Jaehyun," I stated. 

"It's... it's not your fault. I'm so sorry that he's doing this..."

"You're not meant to say that. Don't say that."

"Then what am I meant to say?" Jaehyun looked up at me, even more confused than before.

Tears began to form in my eyes.

"You're meant to hit me and tell me to fuck off. You're meant to push me away and tell me that you never want to talk to me again and that I'm an untrustworthy asshole..." I whimpered.

"But Tae, you're not! I love you!"

"You're not meant to  _fucking_  say that!" I broke down and buried my head in my hands. Jaehyun sat up and wrapped his arms around me.

"You're meant to tell me that you want to run away, that you want to leave this terrible place, and that you want to be as far away from everything as possible!"

"Taeyong, stop being so stupid... don't be stupid."

"You're not meant to be doing this!" I pushed myself away from him, but that only made him pull me into him even tighter. He rested his back against the wall and pulled me on top of him, and I entombed my head in his neck.

"I love you so so so much."

"But I have to be with someone else... while I am still seeing you."

"I would do anything if it meant that I could still see you. It won't change the way that I think about you."

"I'm not even straight! I'm not even straight and I'm going to have to kiss her! Why don't you hate me!?"  
  
"Because I know that you don't want it."

"I don't want it! I will never want her... I will never want that bitch. I still want you, despite all this... I want you even more... I want you so bad."

"We can still be together... don't be so dramatic... we can work around this, we're in this together. I promise I will be there for you. I still want you as well." I pushed against him with my palms. I hated how he approached this because he was making things even harder for me to deal with.

"Tell me to get fucked."

"No baby... no... no... don't say that." he ran his hands up into my hair and comforted me as a few tears rolled down onto his chest. 

"Tell me that you hate me." 

" _Never_."


	15. CHAIN

I was in one of my father's rooms. The stark and bleak nature of the room was far from homely. It was intimidating and terrifying, it was nothing like a home.

I buttoned up the crisp white shirt that my father had ordered for me, and with a brand new black suit. I pulled the jacket over my shoulders and pulled it down so it would hug my shoulders. I grabbed some hair gel from the mirror cupboard and ran it through my fingers and then through my hair, slicking it all down as neatly as I could, but still keeping It slightly messy to give me a bit of character. I put a bit of makeup on my wound and cleaned up my eyebrow. I now had a massive slit all the way through it, and the hair follicles were ripped out as well. To be honest, I kind of liked it.

I brushed my teeth and sprayed on my favourite cologne. I was finally ready after hours of sitting in the room and twiddling my thumbs, thinking about nothing else aside from invented scenarios of the nights predicted events. I grabbed my phone and caught the elevator down to the ground floor, where my father was waiting for me with Jackson and a driver. They both looked very neat and very formal.

"Hello, father. How was the conference?" I bowed towards him and then to Jackson, without making eye contact.

I forgot that I had left Jackson rudely last time, so I didn't really bother paying any attention to him. He barely even looked at me and gave a half-assed, lazy bow.

"Successful. Are you ready for tonight? In the car I will run you through some things you should say, do and not do. Let's go." He said in a composed fashion. My father was always so eloquent, unflustered and restrained. He never showed any inklings of his emotions. I questioned whether he even felt joy, or sadness or pain. That's why he was so successful. I don't think he did. Unfortunately, for the first few years of my life, I took after him and followed his lead. He never expressed any form of love towards me. The most I would hear out of him would be him scolding me or telling me what to do. Then I learnt to feel again. And now look at me.

The driver opened my door and Jackson pushed in before me and I went in after him. My father tailed me in. We were sitting in a limousine with tinted windows. My father crossed his legs and placed his hands on his knees.

"So, Taeyong. Myong Wei-Ren is an attractive girl. You won't be able to miss her. Greet her with a kiss on the hand. Offer to buy her a drink."

"That's so cliche."

"Girls like a cliche." Jackson stuck up for my father. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't talk about our business. If you can, talk about her father but be clueless and be sympathetic about his condition. She needs to trust you. Remember, you're meant to be falling in love with her. This isn't a business interest to you." He continued. Jackson had his eyes on me the whole time. I felt like he was waiting for me to crack.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I tried to focus on my body swaying with the motion of the car. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Would you like a drink, sir?" Jackson explicitly asked my father as he pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the mini fridge.

"Yes, thank you," I interjected before my father could retort. He looked at me with narrow eyes.

"I'll take whiskey on ice. Taeyong will have the same." He ordered. He never used any manners, but he always sounded so graceful. Jackson nodded and poured us our drinks and handed them to us in shimmering, ornate glasses with a large circle ice cube in the middle of it. After living by myself in an average house on an average street in a middle-class suburb, I wasn't familiar with all this luxury. I didn't want to be familiar with it.

We consumed our drinks in silence. My father and Jackson sipped their drinks slowly, enjoying the taste of the alcohol. I skulled the entire contents in one swig. I cringed and shivered as the alcohol swam down my throat. Jackson looked at me like I was a madman and my father raised an eyebrow at me. I instantly felt less nervous as the alcohol kissed my stomach and entered my bloodstream.

"Anyways, Taeyong; use your head. Don't do anything rash or stupid. Flirt, compliment her, laugh at her jokes. There is one crucial thing I need you to do, as well. Ask her to meet us for dinner at 7 on Thursday. I'll handle the details. Clear?"  
  
"Crystal." I sassed as I looked out the window. As we were approaching the depths of the city, the neon lights reflected on the windows creating an array of beautiful patterns and reflections. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Jaehyun. I got his number at school that day.

T: hey JJ. I'm going in soon. Wish me luck.

He replied almost instantly. He must have been waiting for me to text him. My heart grinned at this thought.

J: good luck tae. You can handle it :)

I smiled as I looked down at my screen, admiring his message.

J: text me later. I'll stay awake, I promise.

T: of course. xx

I took a deep breath and handed Jackson my glass, prompting him to pour me another drink. My father looked at me with a gaze that read "take it easy." I was going to do the exact opposite. I had already resolutely decided that I was going to get completely and absolutely wasted. _For business purposes._  Jackson handed me back my glass, slightly fuller than the last time. I'm sure he wanted to see me get drunk and make a fool out of myself. I finished the drink in two sips. I started to feel my body unwind.

The car pulled into a grand hotel. There were lights on the ceiling and a large fountain in the centre of the entry, and there were other limousines and men and women dressed in formal clothing. I suddenly felt very underdressed. We all got out of the car and straightened our suits, and walked in. My father instantly paced over to some of his associates and shook their hand. I took a glass of champagne off a silver tray from a waiter wearing a red vest. This was sheer luxury.

"Slow down, cowboy," Jackson said into my ear and went to join my father. I stood behind them as they exchanged greetings. My eyes wandered around the crowd, looking at all of the faces. I didn't spot anyone remotely matching Myong Wei-Ren's description.

"...this is Jackson Wang, my personal assistant. And this is my son, Lee Taeyong." I noted how it sounded strange to hear my father call me his son. I snapped out of my distracted stupor and flashed a remarkably fake smile. I shook their hands while the other one clutched my glass of champagne tightly.

"Pleasure to meet you, sir." I sounded so uncharacteristically polite.

"Wow, you're a split image of your father! Taking after his good looks, ey!?" A relatively drunk man with flushed cheeks said. I smiled at his remark.

"I take after the best." I slapped my father on his back and smirked. He looked at me with an annoyed countenance as I walked away. Jackson followed me.

"Taeyong, this is a formal function. That means you can't be informal. You're not with your school friend now, you fool! Don't embarrass me or your father. You have a job to do and an important one at that."

"Relax, Jackson. Have a few drinks. Enjoy yourself!" I mocked, trying to piss him off even more. I skulled the rest of my drink and handed it to him. He almost crushed it with his tense hands, I could almost see the anger rise to his face as he clenched his jaw.

"I'm not your servant." He said as he shoved it back into my grip.

"You're my father's PA, so technically, Jackie, you are."

I could not believe what I was saying. I was being so neurotic. That was my way to vent my frustrations.

"Jerk."  
  
"Right back at cha'." I winked.

"Shit. There she is. You know what to do." Jackson turned me around by my shoulders and my eyes instantly landed upon Wei-Ren. She was pretty and she had nice dark hair. She had plump cheeks and around bosom and behind. She was wearing red lipstick, a baby gown and a fur coat. She was nice to look at but I felt no instant attraction to her whatsoever. My gay ass didn't even get the slightest bit turned on. If I can talk to a girl at a party in the hopes of making Jaehyun jealous, I had to apply the same skills here.

I placed the empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter and quickly took another one. I took a long swig and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I walked over to her, motivated by the confidence that the alcohol had given me. Kiss her hand? My ass.

"Hi. I'm Lee Taeyong."

Her eyes darted up to mine and she smiled nervously. She was as sober as a nun.

"Hello."

"What's your name?"

"Myong Wei-Ren. Please call me Ren. Nice to meet you, Lee Taeyong." She held out her hand and I shook it gently.

"I hate events like this." I scoffed. Her eyes widened at my audacious remark. She looked around her anxiously.

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Events like this. They're so... pretentious. People just talking about a bunch of bullshit, spewing their bile over each other like there is no tomorrow. Trying so desperately to impress each other."

"I, um..."

"Yes?" I encouraged.

"I guess so... I always get so nervous before things like this." She clutched her arm and snickered.

"So do I. That's already one thing we have in common."  _Really, Taeyong? Really?_  I was really milking this theatrical bullshit.

"Well, Lee Taeyong, are you going to buy me a drink?" She sassed out of nowhere.

"Of course. I was just going to ask." I saw her relax as she grew more comfortable with me. We walked over to the bar and sat down. I looked over my shoulder and saw my father looking right at me. He nodded. I wanted to stick my middle finger up at him. What the fuck was I doing to this poor girl?

"Hi, we will have two gin and tonics, please. Double shots. Tall glasses. And two cigarettes."

The bartender nodded and started making our drinks. She looked up at me and then back down at her hands.

"So. You're Mr Lee Seon-Won's son. My family has known him for a long time, and I've been to multiple functions but I never saw you here."

"I'm still in school and I don't live with my father anymore."

"Why?"

 _"Because I fucking hate him, the cold bastard, and I hate my life, and I want to distance myself away from the corrupt underworld of South Korea as much as possible"_ I mentally said.

"Its closer to my school."

"Oh." She said at my anticlimactic answer.

"Your father, is he here tonight? I haven't been properly introduced."

She sighed. The bartender gave us our drinks and cigarettes. I pulled them closer to us and handed her a cigarette. She placed it between her lips and I pulled a lighter out of my jacket pocket and lit it for her. She nodded in replacement of saying thanks. She held it in-between her fingers gracefully. I lit my own and rested my hand on the counter, letting her continue.

"He's very sick. He couldn't make it tonight."

"Wow... I'm so sorry."

"He's going to  _die_  if that's what you're thinking." She snapped.

"That's not what I was thinking."

Poor girl. I was manipulating her more and more as the seconds passed. Needless to say, having a dying father isn't really any excuse to be a bitch.

"My god... I'm so sorry for snapping like that." She shook her head and took a sip of her drink.

"It's okay. I completely understand." I placed my hand on her back and rubbed it gently.

"What do you want to do with yourself when you leave school?"

"I'm meant to take over my father's position."

"That's a big responsibility. So am I." She laughed in disbelief.

"That's another thing we have in common. Perhaps we have more power than we think."

"I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it."

"I disagree. You come across as a pretty strong person." I lied, but I had to flatter her.

"You really think so? That's high praise especially coming from you."

I was saved from the potentially disastrous conversation, laced with lies and deceit, by Jackson telling us that we had to go and take our seats at the table. Ren and I walked in side by side. We were sitting on a table with her escorts and her father's associates and underlings. the atmosphere was very awkward and tense but the alcohol had made me delightfully drunk. Probably a little too drunk. I was doing my job well, a little too well. Maybe that's why I could talk to her so easily because I wasn't flustered over her in the slightest. I had the freedom to say what I wanted to her, but needless to say, I was still in chains. I was a puppet in a theatre show and my father was the puppeteer. I had strings attached to my wrists and legs and I could be manipulated however he liked. And I could do nothing about it but let him.

Waiters came around to our table and placed gourmet dishes in front of us. Ren sculled the rest of her drink and slammed it down on the table. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she must have felt the alcohol hit her system. I smiled at her slightly. I didn't like girls, but I admired when a girl could drink. Her eyes dropped slightly and her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

Ren and I spent the remainder of the night chatting about random inconsequential bullshit, like what she studied at school. You know, the mindless "getting to know you" chat. Needless to say, throughout the entire night, I found it hard to give her my undivided attention as my thoughts kept lingering towards jaehyun.

She told me that she likes classical music and the colour red, she prefers the summer over the winter and her favourite flowers are roses. she likes to go and watch ballets when she is in Russia. I revealed a little about myself as possible always reverting the conversation back to her. Man, she loved to talk about herself. When it was time to say goodnight and after a few more drinks, I grabbed her hand and kissed it. I made confident eye contact with her and she blushed. We were standing outside the hotel at about 1 pm at night. The air had a slight chill to it and the streets were deserted.

"Come and have dinner with me at our headquarters at 7 pm on Thursday night." I blurted.

"Are you asking me on a date?"

"I don't know, am I? I guess I am."

"Fine. Send a car for me at 6:30. Make it a limo. I'm sure you have my address somewhere" what a spoilt brat.

"I'll see you then Wei-Ren."

She tucked her hair behind her ears, flashed me a toothless smirk, and walked away.

My father walked out of the building and Jackson was beside him.

"Well done Taeyong." My father crosses his arms and his face broke out into a small grin. 

I impressed my father for the first time in my life. But it felt like he was grabbing a knife, stabbing it in my stomach, and twisting it.

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I was sitting up in my room when he came home for the first time sober in a year. I walked downstairs and my father was just standing there, in the doorway.

"Dad?"

"Hi Jaehyun." 

"You're sober?"

"Sober."

"Wow... I can't believe it."

"Neither can I."

I walked over behind him and shut the front door.

"Im sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it... I was just frustrated."

"I understand. If I were you I wouldn't have wanted myself in this house either."

"Where did you stay?"  
  
"I met a woman. I stayed with her. She's lovely."

"Are you dating her?"

"Not yet, but we're really close."   
  
"Is she helping you forget about mom?"

"She isn't helping me forget about your mother. She's just helping me move on."

"That's so great, Dad. I'm so happy for you."

He smiled at me and walked over to the couch. I couldn't help but follow him and sit next to him, but I still kept my distance, just in case. This was the longest conversation we had had since my mother's passing, while he was sober, of course. 

"I see you've also found yourself a lover."

"What?"

"The kid who told me to fuck off." He said in a husky voice.

"Oh right... he's..."   
  
"I don't care if you like him Jaehyun."

"R-really?"

"I was drunk but I saw the way you looked at him... I used to look at your mother like that."

I couldn't bring myself to retort. I never thought that I would be discussing this with him so openly and free of judgement.

"Do you love him?"

"I love him."   
  
"Then hold onto it with everything you have, and don't let it go. Give it everything you have."   
  
"You don't care that I'm... gay? That I like guys? Well, Taeyong?"

"I don't care Jaehyun. You're a good kid. Who you love and how you love doesn't matter."

"You called me a twink."

"You know that I say things I don't mean when I drink."

"I don't know... You say this now and then in a few days time you're going to come home and make me regret ever trusting you."

"It's not going to happen again. No offence, I may not be able to be sober for your sake, but I am going to be sober for my lover's sake. Her name is Anna."

"Is she American?"

"She was born there but she is of Korean descent. Her parents were born in Korea."

"It's my turn to ask this now. Do you love her?"

"A lot, yes."

"Well then dad, please do this for her. Please stay sober for her. Stay sober so you can invite her over for dinner, so you can go out and do things together. So you can rebuild your life."

"I'll try my best."

"No, you won't try. You will."

"Okay then, I will."

We sat in silence and exchanged a warm smile. I got up and went back to my room, giving him some time alone to think and reflect on what we just discussed. I hoped that he wasn't lying, I hoped that he really would stay sober, so at least one less aspect of my life would be fucked up.

I jumped back on my bed and kept checking my phone every damn minute, waiting for Taeyong to text me. It was 1 am and my eyes were starting to feel heavy. I made a concerted effort not to fall asleep but the pull was too strong, and I slipped into unconsciousness while holding my phone in my hand.

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

I stumbled into my room for the night, the same one that I was in earlier and slammed the door shut. I pulled my shirt off over my head and kicked my shoes off, nearly falling over. I crashed into the wall but managed to hold my heavy, clumsy body up. I reached into my the pocket in my trousers and pulled out my phone. I had never felt so depressed in my entire life. I wish that Wei Ren rejected me so that this plan would never work in the first place... but I felt so much pressure... it was crushing me, reducing my bones to dust.

I sat down on the bathroom floor beside the toilet in case I decided to throw up. My head was pounding.

_T: baby_

I sent jaehyun a text message. I subconsciously started to cry. I had been an emotional, crying, whining mess during that time... it's like my only way to deal with things was to cry, as opposed to being a man, sucking it up, and accepting the truth.

_T: baby r u there_

No response.

_T: I can't do it any more_

I dropped my phone beside me and pulled my legs up to my chest. I felt so alone... 

_T: I love you, goodbye._

I got up and stumbled over to the bathroom drawers and fumbled through the drawers. I found a bottle of aspirin. I stood up and looked at it, my blurry eyes not being able to register the writing. I looked down at it, then up in the mirror, and smiled.

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

I woke up to my phone screen flashing in the dead of night.

_T: I can't do it any more_

_I love you, goodbye._

I darted up and clutched my phone in my hands, shocked at what I was reading. I immediately called him. I held the phone up to my ear with shaky hands. It rang out. I tried again. No answer. I decided to text him in case he didn't want to talk.

_J: Are you okay?_

I saw the typing bubble appear in the corner of my phone screen, but it disappeared almost immediately. I called him again. He answered within two rings. I could hear him inhaling sharply, and then letting out a desperate whimper.

"I can't ... this... life... Its not... mine... im..."

"Taeyong!? Where are you? I'm coming now!"

"I'm so sorry for causing you all this trouble... I'm a big baby. A big fucking... prick." He slurred.

"Taeyong! Listen to me? Are you drunk!? Tell me where you are!"

"Goodbye baby..."

"TAEYO-"

He hung up. I grabbed my father's keys, stole his car, and hit the road. 

_He was going to kill himself._


	16. EMBRACE

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I gripped the steering wheel and whipped it around suddenly, and skidded the car, making the tires screech as I arrived at Taeyong's street. I slammed my foot on the brake once I reached his house and flung open my door without closing it. I ran up his stairs while I broke out in a cold sweat. I smashed my fists on the door and screamed his name. As far as I could tell, all of the lights were off in his house. There was no answer. I jumped on his bin and pulled my body over his gate. I pushed his window up at the side of his house and went in head first, landing on the couch under the window remarkably ungracefully.

"Taeyong!" I said as I ran through his house, opening every door and finding no evidence of him. I ran into his room, and there was a dim light emanating from his bathroom.

"Tae!" I ran across his room, almost dripping, and pushed the door open. No sign of him.

"FUCK!" I yelled. I ran back downstairs and went back to the car and jumped back in. I didn't even put on my seatbelt. I floored the accelerator and went to the city. Where the fuck could he be? I wondered if I should call the police or an ambulance.

They own the police.

I scratched that idea out of my head. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew that I had to find him. I had to find him before he did something erratic and stupid. My heart was beating out of my chest and my blood pressure raised to the roof. I maneuvered around cars and heard them beep at me in my wake. I ran red lights and dodged around pedestrians dangerously.

_Where the fuck are you?_

I retrieved my phone from the seat beside me and called him again, only driving with one hand on the wheel as I cruised around the city streets, expecting to see him, to be on the side of the road, to greet me with a "hey baby." I don't know what I was trying to do, but I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing. I went to all of the public parks, the train station, everywhere. He was nowhere to be seen. I pulled over on the side of the road in a dark back street and slammed my hands on the steering wheel in frustration.

I started to cry. I cried so damn much. Tears rolled freely down my cheeks. His father had ruined him and there was nothing that I could do about it. I wanted to grab him, to protect him, to kiss his body all over and tell him that everything was okay.

I grabbed my phone again and looked at the screen, tears were obscuring my vision and making everything murky. I dialled his number again and held the phone up to my tear-stained face.

"Please pick up... please pick up..." I whimpered.

It dialled out and beeped one last time signalling me to leave a voicemail.

"Baby... I'm so sorry. Whatever happened I'm so sorry. I should have been there for you. I should have insisted that I meet up with you but I didn't and for that, I'm so sorry... if you're gone..." I paused and fought back another stream of tears. "If you're gone... I don't think I'm going to be able to live with myself. If you're listening to this, just know that I love you, I love you so fucking much you have no idea. I've never wanted anyone or anything more than you. Please... call me back..."

I pressed the hang up button and threw my phone on the passenger seat. I rested my elbow on the window and gripped my forehead. I had completely failed him. If anything happened to him... if he... wasn't going to be alive anymore... if he was  _dead_ , it was my fault. I'll spare you the euphemistic bullshit.

I also needed someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. I turned the keys in the ignition and drove home slowly. When I arrived home, my father was sitting on the couch watching tv. As I entered the house, I knelt down and completely broke down. He ran over to me and knelt down as well, and put a hand on my back and rubbed it softly.

"Jaehyun, what happened?"

"It's Taeyong..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I nodded and he grabbed my wrist and sat me down on the couch.

"His father is the leader of the mafia." I blurted unsubtly.

"Jesus Jaehyun, do you know what that means?"

"I know. Taeyong is the successor."

"Yes, that, and they're potentially very dangerous... what are you getting yourself into?"

"I don't know." I lied. I knew what I was doing all along. But it didn't matter because he was different.

"He's different. He doesn't want that life."

"But that is his life."

"I know. And trust me, he knows that as well. But it's not just that. His father is forcing himself to marry someone."

"Who?"

"A girl. A girl who is the successor of a rival business or organisation, I don't know all the details. But he's going to inherit a lot of money. And then his father is going to kill the girl so Taeyong can take control of the business."

"Jesus Christ. You have to be more careful with who you get involved with."

"You just told me to love him and hold onto him. So I am. And his background, his life, doesn't make me want him any less."

"I suppose you're right..."

He paused in thought for a moment.

"Your mother's father was disapproving of me when I asked for her hand in marriage. He didn't even want me to date her. But that didn't make me want her any less. So I understand what you're saying. But please Jaehyun, be careful, be wary, and don't get yourself involved with the wrong people."

"I'm already involved. There's no going back now."

"Get some rest, Jaehyun. I'm sure everything will be alright in the end."

My father flashed me a fond smile which I struggled to return. I retreated to my room and threw the covers over my head, and wished for the world to go away. I just had to lie there, lie there and wait... lie there and hope that he would live to see another day and that I would get to see his face once again.

I barely slept the whole night. I didn't busy myself or study or do any homework as if me thinking about Taeyong obsessively would somehow be the crux in saving him. I stared at the wall blankly, in the darkness of the night. Finally, I sat up after I realised that there was no way that I would get any sleep, and I watched the sunrise. It was a cloudy morning, the clouds corrupted the sky and did not let light through like the sky was a window and the curtains were drawn in front of it. The sky began to cry, god was leaving his teardrops on my windows. If there was an omniscient god, and if there was even a god out there somewhere, I wanted to ask him a question. _Why_ _? Why_ _are you doing this_ _to me_ _?_

I lazily put on my uniform and didn't even bother looking at my face in the mirror. I knew it was swollen and I knew I had huge dark circles under my eyes. I grabbed my schoolbag, went downstairs and cracked open a can of red bull which was to be my nutritionally balanced breakfast. I felt completely numb inside. I checked my phone, and there was still no response from Taeyong. A sense of impending doom washed over me. I looked out the window at the rainy sky as if it somehow held the answers. I sat at the counter, twiddling my thumbs, nervously waiting for my phone screen to light up. When it was time to leave for school, I grabbed an umbrella and headed to the train station.

I walked there with my head down, unwilling to make contact with anyone that wasn't Taeyong. My feet splashed in puddles carelessly making the bottom of my trousers wet. I arrived at the busy train station and got on the train. That was where I first saw him, sitting opposite me, gawking at me curiously with a cocked head and wide, beady eyes. I never thought that it would lead to this.

The train trip felt like it took forever. I plugged in my earphones and listened to the song that we waltzed to a few days ago, recalling sweet memories of him. My heart warmed momentarily. I as I was walking to school, the rain thickened. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the temperature dropped significantly. I arrived at school early and took a seat on a bench undercover. I collapsed my umbrella and slumped down into my seat and rested my head on the table. Why is it, that when you can't sleep all night and suddenly leave the house, you feel like you could sleep for a thousand years?

I slipped in and out of consciousness until I felt a hand shake my shoulder. My head shot up and I was greeted by Lucas and Ten.

"Wake up sleepy head." Ten said.

"Geez, you look like shit Jae."

"Tell me about it."

"Are you alright? Your eyes are puffy."

"Yeah, I just didn't get a lot of sleep."

 _My lover could be dead_ ; I felt like saying.

They sat down and dropped the subject. Lucas threw his arm around ten and he snuggled into him on the cold day. Their relationship was perfect, uncorrupted and free of struggle. Oh, how I envied them...

Mark arrived a few minutes later. He was drenched. I smiled slightly at the side of him.

"Nobody say anything." He said before anyone could begin teasing him. He sat down on the table with a thud and looked straight ahead blankly, shivering like a nervous dog. The boys started talking about schoolwork and their workloads, complaining about it and whatnot, but that was the least of my worries. The bell rang and Lucas and I walked into the rain together, under my umbrella.

"Give me some more space, I'm getting drenched!"

"You hold it then, you lanky freak." he snatched it out of my hand and huffed.

Standing in the middle of the gates, in his dishevelled school uniform, drenched, desperate and cold, my eyes met with Taeyong. I stopped in my tracks, and the fabric of time around him blurred and melted away. Was I hallucinating? I stopped and my jaw swung open, I blinked to make sure my sight was not failing me. Lucas looked down at me as he noticed my sudden change in demeanour. He looked in the direction I was looking, and then back at me.

I sprinted over to him, across the quad, at lightning speed. Taeyong dropped his bag on the floor. I crashed into him, clutching his body to mine, burying my head in his shoulder. I could not have possibly embraced him any tighter. I started to cry. He placed a hand on my back weakly. Taeyong did not move a muscle.

"You had me so worried!" I cried. Suddenly, I pushed him away, realising just what he had done to me. I slapped his face.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA...?" I didn't finish because I could not find the words to express my perturbation. He didn't even flinch at my slap, my hand colliding with his cheek. He just looked into my eyes. I broke down and chocked, and pulled him in again. This time, Taeyong returned my hug. We were standing there in the rain, the latecomers walking through the gates looking at us, and walking around our scene.

"What the hell were you doing, huh?" I whispered.

I felt him push me away, and I turned around and saw him looking at Lucas who was approaching us.

"Are you guys gonna finish sobbing and get out of the rain?"

I grabbed Taeyong by the wrist and pulled him under the umbrella. He walked us under the cover and we went up to our maths class. Taeyong walked into the classroom first and we were following him in until he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back and out of the doorway.

" _What_  happened to  _him_?"

"Something bad. Something really fucking bad. Think of the worst thing that could possibly happen and feed it some crack." I told him, keeping my voice down. There was no point in keeping this a secret from Lucas, I think he was owed an explanation.

"Did someone die?"

"No. but I thought he did."

"Jesus Christ." Lucas ran his hands through his hair, and I pushed passed him to go into the classroom. He stood there for a few seconds dumbfounded and then went into the classroom. Taeyong sat down with his head down, and I took my place behind him. I wanted to leave school and to take him home and to wrap him up in bubble wrap and a thousand blankets so nobody could hurt him again. His frame looked thinner, and his face gaunter. I could see his skinny arms moving under his uniform that now hung on him. He must not have been eating properly lately.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and held it in my lap.

_T: ill talk to you after school, let's go out and forget about the world for a while_

_J: let's do whatever you want to do tae. Im so glad ur safe. I'm sorry for slapping you_

_T: I would've slapped me too tbh lmao_

I snickered, and I heard Taeyong snicker in front of me, and he looked to his side and back at me.

"So whats the joke boys? If it's so funny, why don't you share it with the class?" The teacher stared us down and both of our heads shot up.

"I just got a message from your wife. She says she wants her suit back."

The class exploded into a loud laughter. I covered my hand with my mouth.

"Lee Taeyong. Get. Out. And go to detention for the rest of the day. The  _audacity_  of you kids..." Taeyong got up from his seat with a mischievous smirk playing on his lips. He turned around and winked at me before he walked out, making me blush. I saw a glimpse of the rude yet evasive Taeyong that I seemed to know so well.

I sat in my classes for the rest of the morning, relieved. I still so puzzled about what possibly could have happened to him last night. All that mattered to me was that he was alive, and that was enough for me at that moment. By the time lunch rolled around, the rain had stopped and the clouds had thinned slightly, letting the sun stream through in thick rays, evaporating the tears off the saturated surface of the world.

I met Taeyong in the cafeteria and I greeted him with a wide grin. I wanted to swallow him up in my arms yet again, but I refrained myself.

"You're unbelievable, you realise that? You have no fear. She says she wants her suit back? Really?"

"I'm scared about things other than teachers, Jaehyunnie."

My group was nowhere to be found, so we walked across the muddy field. Once we in the middle of the field, Taeyong grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers. I had so many questions to ask him, but I wanted to enjoy the silence and the relief that I felt. Sometimes, what's left unsaid says it all.

Mark, Lucas, Ten and a boy who I didn't know the name of were already puffing away on cigarettes and sharing food.

"Hey, this idiot here is Haechan." Mark said while signalling behind him to the younger boy.

"Hey. You must be Jaehyun and Taeyong. I'm in Mark's history class."

"Hey. Welcome to the group."

"I didn't know you were gay, Mark." Ten remarked.

"You were just waiting to say that, weren't you," Taeyong said as he sat down.

"Yep. You bet." Ten said bluntly as he took a bite of his sandwich.

"HEY! I'm not gay! We're just friends!"

"You put your hand on my thigh when we were on the bus yesterday. And you let me kiss you on the cheek. Not your straightest moment, mark." Haechan jested. He was definitely confident in his sexuality.

Mark's cheeks blushed a shade of bright red. He folded his arms and looked away from Haechan, who sat behind him and tried to hug him.

"Go away."

We were all amused by the immature boys.

Taeyong and I decided to lay down in the sunlight after the ground had dried some more. It was one of those lazy lunchtimes where time seemed to slow down, and the entire school seemed to be under some sort of spell, everyone just lazing around, sitting and talking. I was lying against the wall with my back against it, and Taeyong rested his head on my lap. Mark and Haechan closed the space between them and sat side by side, on Mark's phone probably watching a yaoi anime, and Ten was lying on Lucas's chest as he was spread out on the floor, with his hands behind his head, soaking up the sunlight.

What a cascade of events. It was remarkable how quickly things could meld from darkness to light. I looked down at my lap. Taeyong looked so delicate while he was resting on my lap. The sun-kissed half of his beautiful face and the side closest to me cast a shadow, showing off his perfect and symmetrical features. His lips were slightly parted, and I could see his front teeth resting softly on his bottom lips. His plump lips cast a light shadow, which was darker at his deep cupids bow. His chest was gently rising and falling softly.

How could anyone possibly hurt him and deliberately make him suffer, especially his father?

His eyes opened and I brushed the hair off his forehead with delicate hands.

"Let's wag school."

"Why?"

"I don't want to be here."

"You've got detention already."

"Exactly. More of a reason to get the fuck out of here."

"Wow, you're such a bad boy. You're officially off the rails."

"So are you in or are you out?"

"Fuck it. I'm in."

"That was easier than I thought," exclaimed Taeyong.

Taeyong grabbed his bag and then mine, and shoved it against my chest.

"Cya later boys." he grabbed my hand and paced towards the fence, jumped, grabbed the top of it, and propelled his body over like he was some kind of gymnast. He landed on his feet without stumbling at all. I took three tries to get my body over the fence. I had to use my feet to help push myself over, and I landed with an embarrassing thud. Taeyong made it look so easy... he snickered at my clumsiness.

We looked behind us to make sure no one was on our tail, and we walked through the foliage behind the fence, that was sloped downhill and lead to the street. We jumped down from a brick wall about a metre and a half high, and we slipped into the pedestrian traffic.

"Where do you want to go?" I was a little nervous as I had never ditched school before.

"Let's go get a milkshake. And then ill take you to one of my favourite spots."

"And where might that be?"

"Its a surprise," he said as he linked my arm with his.

We walked into a cafe and Taeyong got his wallet out.

"Two chocolate milkshakes please". He handed over his card that seemed to have an infinite supply of money linked to it. He turned around from the cashier and smiled at me. I thanked him, and we stood to the side to wait for our drinks to be made. He rested his head on my shoulder and then started to touch the back of my hair out of boredom, spiking it up into little mountains. Then, suddenly, I saw all of the colour drained out of Taeyong's face.

"Shit. Fuck." He mumbled through clenched teeth. He gulped, then concealed his face with his hand. I looked behind me, and the person that he was looking at was staring at him. He took off his sunglasses and got up from his table outside, and made his way inside the cafe. I fixed my hair promptly.

"Taeyong. What a pleasure to see you here," he said rather sarcastically.

"Hey Jackson."

"Hey. Who's this? I don't believe we've met." He asked suspiciously. My hands started to sweat as he looked at me from head to toe. His tone was forced and over-polite.

"This is Hung Jinyoung."

"Nice to meet you. I work with Taeyong's father." He held his hand out and I shook it tentatively. Taeyong looked very uneasy and shifted his weight on each leg.

"Oh, you two must know each other well then."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." He said while looking at Taeyong who was avoiding all eye contact. His words sounded laced with an ulterior meaning and motive. His eyes were intimidating and malevolent.

The cafe attendant rang the bell and taeyong grabbed our drinks swiftly.

"Ill see you tomorrow Jackson."

"See you then." He rasped with an evil smirk.

Taeyong handed me my milkshake and he paced out of the cafe. I looked back at him, and he crossed his arms as he watched taeyong and I walk into the distance.

"Hung Jinyoung?"

"I can explain."

"This is just getting out of hand. You have to tell me whats going on, and what happened last night."

He looked around him, evidently paranoid.

"I just gave myself away."

"What?"

"Im not meant to be seeing anyone."

"Its not like you were sucking my dick in that cafe. Come on, Taeyong."

"Yeah, I was just casually leaning my head on my bro's shoulder and playing with his hair." He scoffed.

"I dont really see what you're getting at."

"Me being gay is going to stop me from fulfilling my duty. It just doesn't look good. I don't want anything to happen to you so I used a different name. Sometimes you have to lie."

"You dont have to protect me. It's  _fine_. Youre looking into it too much."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." He let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry... my thoughts get the better of me sometimes."

"It's fine. Nothing bad is going to happen as long as I'm here."

"Let's go somewhere quiet so we can talk. You're going to love it."


	17. FRAGILE

Taeyong was walking behind me, insisting that he cover my eyes and keep them closed. 

"Come on, this is stupid."

"No its not. We're gonna be there soon."

I was panting as we were both walking up a hill on a dirt path in the local national park, with fallen leaves from the inception of autumn crushing beneath our shoes.

"Are we even allowed to be here?" I inquired. 

"No, but that makes it even more fun." A typical Taeyong response. 

"Let's go back. I'm not so sure about this. We're trespassing. We could get fined." 

"No, we're not. also, stop being a goody two shoes. Nobody has ever caught me here. Nobody knows about this place."

He stopped and took his hands off my eyes.

Before me was a scene so exquisite, it looked as though it was out of a mythical movie. There was a waterfall and a body of water beneath it, surrounded by dense evergreen trees. It was beautiful. I realised why he insisted on bringing me here. Taeyong smiled widely. I would have ditched school to go there, any day, in a heartbeat.

"Told you." He chirped, admiring my reaction, my mouth hanging open.

"It's... it's..." I smiled.

"Indescribable?" 

"Inexplicable." 

He grabbed my hand and walked us over to a sandstone rock where we left our stuff. I sat down, absorbing the natural, poetic beauty of the untouched landscape. The climate up on the mountain was surprisingly warmer than I anticipated, as it was a moist environment like a rainforest, meaning it was very humid. Birds were chirping happily, and they were so much louder as their songs were not polluted by human activity. 

Taeyong began to strip his jacket off. Then his t-shirt. Then, to my amazement, his shoes and socks, followed by his pants. He stood there in his boxers. I couldn't help but look at his muscular legs. 

"What are you doing?"

"We're going swimming," he told me with conviction. He didn't give me an option. 

He discarded his uniform on the rock. He came closer to me and unbuttoned my school jacket, and took it off me. He processed to pull my T-shirt over my head, and then he undid my belt.

"Come on."

"Is it safe in there?"

"Yes. It's fresh water. No marine life."

"How do you know I can't swim?" 

"Jung Jaehyun, an athletic muscle pig, not being able to swim? Do you think I'm stupid?" 

I rolled my eyes.  

I took off my socks, shoes and then my pants. I folded my arms over my chest, reminiscent of when we had just met and I didn't want to reveal even an inch of my body to him. Taeyong paced away and disappeared behind the trees. I began to worry about him after he did not reappear after 3 minutes. Then, on cue, I saw him at the top of the waterfall, preparing to jump in.

"TAE!? THAT'S DANGEROUS! YOU COULD SLIP!" I yelled up at him and sheltered my eyes from the bright sun. He pretended that he couldn't hear me. He paced back carefully, getting a run-up. He sprinted and jumped off the rock and landed with a splash in the water. I dashed to the water's edge in concern. He surfaced and shook the water and hair off his head like a dog.

"WOO HOO!" He cheered. I couldn't help but laugh at the innocence of it all. He swam to the shore and approached me with a wide grin. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me in.

"No no no no," I said with a nervous expression, shaking my head.

"Come on baby, its fine. The water's so warm."

I felt the fresh water lick my ankles as I progressed deeper. He was right. The water was pleasant, not to cool or too hot. It was also crystal clear, I could see the bottom almost all the way down at the shore before it got deeper and the light did not reach the bottom. 

"See?" He said kindly. I nodded in agreement.

I walked in deeper and dived under the surface of the water, letting it soothe me and wash away my worries. When I surfaced, Taeyong pushed water into my face, making me cough.

"Asshole!"

I pushed back an even greater amount of water. We were both cackling like idiots.

"So is this where you bring all of your romantic interests?"

"No. Just you."

"Did you used to come here alone?"

"Yeah. It helped me cope."

"I can see why. You can't even see the city from here."

"That's why I love it... there's nobody around... I'm allowed to be someone else while I'm here, the person that I'm meant to be."

We were circling around each other in the water, treading carefully on the soft, mossy rocks at the bottom.

"Can you tell me about it now?"

Taeyong went to dunk his head under the water like he did in the bath that day before he confessed his love to me. It was his way of avoiding things. I grabbed him firmly by the arm stopped him.

"You can't avoid this any longer."

"Please just come here, Jae."

"Taeyong, not again." I sighed and shook my head.

"I don't want to talk about it, not now."

"We came here to talk about it." My tone deepened as I was very intent on getting the crucial information out of him.

"It's... It's nothing" He insisted foolishly. I laughed in disbelief at his remark.

"You telling me goodbye, crying, drunk by the sounds of it, acting like you're going to kill yourself, isn't  _nothing_!"

"Please don't be angry at me."

"I'm not angry at you. It's making me hurt, it's killing me! Why are you being so fucking selfish?" I snapped and scoffed at him.

Suddenly, Taeyong grabbed my waist and pulled me on top of him. He wrapped my bare legs around his body, clutching them to his side. I grabbed his beautiful face, his beautiful, beautiful face in my hands. I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him, so filled with distress and heartache... I wish he would just tell me. I wanted to know everything, I wanted to know every thought inside his brain, I wish I could have just unlocked it with a key and filed through his secrets, what he was keeping from me.

"You drive me so crazy, just... tell me..." I whispered.

"Just stay like this for a little bit..." he looked up at me, into me, through me. My eyes darted around his face, completely engrossing myself in his entity, utterly consuming him with my eyes.

I smashed my lips against him, instantly creating a deep and intense kiss. That would be my way of telling him that everything would be okay and that I would be beside him no matter what happened. I wasn't doing this because he asked me to, or because he wanted me to with the intention of averting the fact at hand, but because I loved him. I wanted to feel him breathing, I wanted physical evidence that this was not a dream. Taeyong's strong yet lean arms bolstered me up effortlessly. I felt Taeyong's hands beneath the surface of the water, running them along my back, pulling me closer to him, which created ripples in the otherwise still water. I separated from the kiss, we were both panting. I could see that Taeyong's eyes were also glassy with the inception of tears, but were pushed back.

Droplets of water were glimmering on his smooth skin. I ran my thumbs over his parted lips and rested my hand on the back of his neck.

"I'll tell you." He gave in. My legs dropped and we both carefully walked out of the water. Taeyong stumbled, but I held his hand and lead him to our clothes. We sat down on the rock and I looked at him intently. Tae gazed into the distance. He rested his knees on the inside of his arms. 

"I did it." He paused and sighed. "I did exactly as I was told. Her name is Wei-Ren. I got drunk, I went up to her, and I did my job perfectly. My father was watching me the whole time. She took to me really well." Taeyong shook his head and looked in the opposite direction of me, placing his cheek on his arm, evidently finding the whole matter difficult to discuss. I remained patient. I didn't want to push him more than I already had.

"I'm seeing her. I'm seeing her tomorrow night. I.. I'm not ready." He looked down between his legs. "I'm not attracted to her.  _Obviously_. Jackson, the guy you met today, was already suspicious of my sexuality, but now I'm sure he knows after today's wonderful little expedition," he remarked sarcastically.

"I can't imagine it," was all I could say, I was shocked at the unreality of it.

"Jackson knows I'm gay. And he just sat there the whole night, watching me lying. He probably enjoyed it. For the first time ever, my father was proud of me. I made my father proud of me, and the only way I did that was being something that I can never, ever be. It made me feel so worthless. Like, I wasn't real, I was so ashamed of myself. I was also ashamed that I didn't put up a fight against him."

"But Taeyong, what could you possibly do?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing. I could have either done it the easy way or the hard way. But then I realised, there is no easy way. Because I am me, and you are you, and I am  _ridiculously_  in love with you."

"How does Jackson know you're gay?"

"I kissed him when we were friends in junior high."

"...right."

"So, it's not exactly an ideal situation, is it?"

"Taeyong, I'm not going to lie to you, it's a fucking shit fight. It's a fucking nightmare."

I didn't want to offer him pathetic advice which would completely discredit everything he had just said, and downplay it like it was something that was easy to handle.

"I just want to be with you, only you, not that spoilt brat. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose you. I should be... I should be distancing myself from you."

"Don't... don't ever do that. No matter what."

"I'm not, and I can't, that's the thing. That's what makes this so much harder for me."

We sat in silence as I processed the extremity and weight of what he disclosed.

"Can't you just tell her the truth, and to tell her to keep your sexuality a secret? You don't actually have to date her. Just make an agreement to pose at events, you know, stuff like that."

"If I don't date her, she won't marry me. If she doesn't marry me, I only get half of her father's money. Naturally, you want to marry someone you love. She has to be left in the dark about the whole situation. And then, I have to kill her. And she has to be in love with me so she leaves her money to me, and me only."

"Damn." I ran my hands through my hair, I was so stressed out, and it wasn't even happening to me personally. I couldn't begin to imagine or relate to his exceptional and unprecedented struggle.

"I can't kill her. I can't do any of this. I'm not cut out for this life. That's why I-"

"I understand." I stopped him before he could finish, I didn't want to hear him say those words.

"What happened earlier with Jackson  _cannot_  happen again. Nobody from the mafia can know about you. We're going to have to be vigilant in public. I'm going to have to get you to get rid of your phone. We're going to have to use old, untraceable ones. We're going to have to be careful when entering and leaving each other's houses.  _Nobody_  can see."

"If that's what we have to do, I don't care."

"I'm so lucky to have you." 

"Would now be an inappropriate time to fuck?" I shocked myself at my own honesty. 

"No, it's a perfect time to fuck. You took the words right out of my mouth, baby." 

Taeyong put our uniforms under him to protect his already damaged back from the rock. he sat up, and I nestled myself between his legs. I grabbed his waist and pulled his crotch up against mine, making him moan gently.  

Everything was so damn fragile, too fragile. One wrong move and our lives could be ruined indefinitely. One wrong step out of line, and his entire world,  _our world_ , could come tumbling down, burning, with no hope of rebuilding it. 


	18. 127%

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

"Fuck me." He whispered with intense, bedroom eyes.

He pulled away from our heated kiss.

"I've never done it before."

"I don't care. Please fuck me."

I sat in-between his legs. I teased the elastic of his boxers with the tips of my fingers and ran them inside his deep v line. I leaned down and kissed his lower stomach, letting my lips linger on his skin. I pulled his boxers off slowly, kissing him further down as I did so. I slid them off his legs, and then ran my cheeks along his inner thigh, and ran my hand along the other side them. I closed my eyes as I created small, gentle love bites on his pale inner thighs. He was sitting back, leaning on his arms, looking down at me and breathing heavily.

I let his electricity flow through me. 

I looked up at his face with my cheek still against his thigh. His hair was sticking together like blades of grass and falling softly on his forehead.

"Don't you hate that?" He said barely above a whisper as he looked down at me with blushed cheeks.

"Hate what?" I asked curiously as if I was doing something wrong.

"A moment that is so perfect, and now its just lost in time... like tears in rain."

I did not retort as he appeared to be in deep thought.

"Its just that you're so perfect, so infallible, its hard to believe that you're real, that you're in front of me, that I can just kiss you without you pushing me away and thinking that in a disgusting monster. I can look into your eyes, and I can see my reflection, and I see... I see me. I see myself. All of me, in my purest form."

"But I am real. And I am here."

"But there's no evidence that this isn't all a dream."

"This isn't a dream... and even if it is, don't wake up..."

I hovered over him and kissed his forehead. He turned over and propped himself up on his knees like he had just read my mind. I ran my hand down the centre of his back, feeling each vertebrate, and snaked them around his neck and along his sharp jawline, and then slid three of my fingers into his mouth. He sucked them, licked them, and lubricated them with thick layers of spit. I ran my fingers over his hole, causing him to let out a suppressed moan. I had never done this before, I was usually the one on the receiving end of it, but it felt so good to offer him such pleasure.

I grabbed my hard dick in my hands and slid the tip inside him. He gasped and cried in pain slightly, but he didn't tell me to stop. He was so damn tight. My dick inside of him felt so damn good as his walls hugged my length tightly. I exhaled in pleasure. I had never felt pleasure so acutely through every inch of my body.

I pushed myself into Taeyong further and hit his prostate. I started to move back and forth inside of him. There we were, fucking on a rock on top of our school uniforms (as high schoolers do) as the afternoon sun began to make its descent behind the horizon, painting the sky a dusty orange colour.

I pressed my body onto Taeyong's back and lifted him up slightly. I grabbed his dick from behind him and started to run my hand up and down his length. He was moaning uncontrollably as I thrust in and out of him at the same time. He grabbed my hand that was around his dick and he guided my movements. I kept pumping my dick inside of him, faster and faster. He was practically begging for it. His hole loosened up more, but it didn't make it any less enjoyable. Taeyong was practically screaming at this point. I was scared that the sound would travel the expanse of the forest and that people would hear us. Our sweaty bodies were colliding together. Because of the intensity of the feeling of my dick inside of him, I didn't last very long. I reached my climax after about 5 minutes.

"Do you want me to pull out?"

"NO.... no."

"I-its coming." I stuttered.

As I came inside of him, I pressed myself into him as far as I could. Taeyong screamed and whimpered as he came all over the uniforms beneath us. Taeyong sat up on his knees and I grabbed his waist, holding him up, and he rolled his head back, resting it on my shoulder. Then, arched himself forward in relief as I took myself out of him.

"Jesus Christ... that was... amazing."

Taeyong sat his bare body down on the rock beside the uniforms as they had obviously been dirtied. He looked at me for a moment, his jaw hanging open, inhaling and exhaling, trying to regulate his breathing, and the right side of his lips formed into a satisfied smirk.

"Sorry about your jacket. It's all your fault, anyway."

"Was I good?"

"That was... the best I've ever had."

"You were so tight."

"That's because I'm usually on top, baby."

I snickered at his audacious remark.

I took Taeyong's trembling hands as I walked him back into the creek to clean ourselves up. We were both sweating like crazy, so the water felt cold against our hot bodies.

"I can't believe I'm seeing Wei-Ren again tomorrow night..." Taeyong said as he both snapped us back to reality.

"Tomorrow night? That was damn quick. Have you got her number?"

"She put it in my phone when I was drunk." 

"Have you messaged or called her?"

"No, are you kidding me?"

"You're such a shit boyfriend." I mocked.

"I don't know how to deal with girls... they're so... fickle and petty. Like, one step out of line and they act like you've just betrayed them and their family."

"I know what you mean. They blow everything out of proportion."

We floated around in the water on our backs for a while, I closed my eyes and my naked body absorbed the last few rays travelling to earth from the sun, 8 minutes, at the speed of light, absorbed by my cells, kissing my skin.

"My dad asked about you." I blurted. Taeyong stood up immediately and glared at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"What? I told you not to tell anyone about us."

"This was before you told me... he asked about you, and I told him... He was sober. Can you believe it?"

"W... what did he say?" He moved closer to me, and I stood up, facing him, an attempt to calm his nerves.

"He said that he doesn't care and that if I love someone, I should hold onto them with everything I have."

"Why did he come home after we told him to fuck off?" He remarked defensively as he was evidently concerned about my safety.

"Because he was sober, and he said that he was going to stay sober. He found a new girlfriend... he said he would stay sober for her."

"As long as he stays sober, its fine. As soon as he drinks again... if I find out that he's drinking, I don't think I'm going to be able to refrain myself from kicking him in the ass."

We both laughed wildly, hiding my concerns about his violent tendencies. 

"Hey, he should be home tonight. Why don't you come back to my place? You can have dinner with us."

"I don't know Jaehyun..."

"Please, Tae, it'll be so nice. He forgives you for hitting him. He wouldn't blame you for acting how you did. Like you didn't blame me for slapping you earlier."

"I guess you're right. Okay, ill come... but I have to leave my phone somewhere."

"Can't you take out the SIM card?"

"No. I think my father placed a tracker in the actual hardware of the phone. I can never be too careful with him."

We made our way out of the water even though neither of us really wanted to, but it was getting darker as the seconds passed. When we arrived back on the rock, Taeyong got his phone out of his soiled uniform jacket pocket and looked at it in his hands. He looked ahead of him and then threw it in the river without hesitation.

"Taeyong!"

"Your turn."

"I cant afford a new one!"

"I'll buy you a new one. One without a fucking GPS tracker in it."

He was so damn paranoid. 

I grabbed my phone out of my trousers and clutched onto it one last time, and then threw it as far as I could into the creek. Taeyong jumped up and down and clapped his hands in delight. It was such an odd thing to do, for members of a generation addicted to our phones, to completely discard them in the name of love. It's not like I really texted anyone anyways, and I had Taeyong's number memorised, of course, so I could always use the landline to communicate with him if I needed to.

I let Taeyong wear my jacket which was slightly less covered in cum, inside out. I was just wearing my t-shirt and wet boxers underneath my pants. I scrunched up Taeyong's jacket and put it in my bag. we were both a mess. But I wouldn't take back what happened even if my life depended on it. I wanted to live far away with him, near a creek, so we could spend the day there, having picnics, nobody to bother us. the thought was lovely, but I couldn't let my visions of idealism and grandeur get in the way of facing our situation, and acting accordingly to whatever happened next.

We walked down the path hand in hand, and when he reached the street, Taeyong pulled his out of mine and put it in his pocket despondently.

That was the way things would be from now on. Love, but with conditions, love, with entailments, but unconditional nonetheless; love behind closed doors, but flourishing, unwavering and unequivocal.

We decided to get the bus home as we couldn't call a cab. We sat all the way at the pack, and blessed with the protection that the seats in front of us gave, Taeyong put his hand on my thigh. Every touch, every inkling of contact shared between him always felt better when it was forbidden. I looked out the window, but because it was dark, all I could see was our reflection. It was the first time I had actually seen us, together. We complimented each other well. 

He was slightly shorter than me. He was a lot thinner than me, so he made me look like his protector, even his hyung. He his face was adorned with sharp angles and straight lines, whereas mine was more curved and arguably less intense. He had double eyelids and a prominent brow bone, whereas I had monolids. Physically, we were opposite in many respects, but we still looked like we were made for each other; like we belonged together. In the reflection, I admired his skinny, long fingers, and how they engulfed my thigh completely.

By the time that we arrived at my house, it was dark.

"Are you sure about this Jaehyun?" Taeyong said apprehensively.

"127%." 

"Why 127%?"

"127% means that I'm more than 100% sure. I don't know, it was the first number that popped into my head."

"This isn't helping me feel any less nervous."

"Come in. Let's go. Like a band-aid. Everything is going to be  _fine_." With hindsight, I wish I could take that back. 

"Are you sure he's not drunk?"

"127%."

Taeyong smiled at me and pushed me back playfully. I rolled my eyes and opened the door. My father was sitting on the couch having a cigarette, and to my pleasure, his face lit up and his eyes smiled when he saw Taeyong and I in the entryway. He instantly got up and bowed.

He appeared to be sober. Thank god. Taeyong held my hand and stood behind me slightly. My father bowed to him and he returned it respectfully.

"I apologise, sir, I let my anger ge-"

"There's no bad blood. Don't worry about it. It actually helped me be confronted with my problems."

"Well, I'm glad."

"Can I take your jacket?" my father stepped closer to him and raised his arm to take my uniform off his shoulders. 

"No! No. Its fine, I'm a little cold actually." Taeyong snickered nervously and awkwardly and crossed his arm over his chest.

"I was just about to order some pizza. Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, I don't really think it's-"

"He would love to." I interrupted.


	19. APATHY

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

I stayed with Jaehyun and his father until about midnight. We were talking about our relationship, how we met, and Dongjin seemed to take a genuine interest in us. He was very caring and accepting which was paradoxical to the way that he acted when he first saw me. He was warm and kind when he was sober. I was so happy for jaehyun, finally, some stability in his life. which I could unfortunately not offer him. Yes, I know what you're thinking; his father raped him and abused him, so why isn't Jaehyun staying away from him, filing a restraining order, and keeping his distance with a ten-foot pole? I know I would be. But Jaehyun was the forgiving type and I think he was glad that his father was making a concerted effort to be part of his life, an effort that was not exerted before, an effort that was made when he was not sad, drunk and emotional. We ate pizza, sat around, watched sport on TV, laughed, cheered, and smoked cigarettes. Jaehyun and I even had a can of beer, but Dongjin kindly refused. Jaehyun was so proud of him. When he was not looking at me, Jaehyun was smiling at Dongjin, his cute dimply smile.

For those hours, my life felt normal. I was Lee Taeyong, school student, a boy in love.

I hadn't participated in a social event like that for a long time, something so domestic and free of pressure and judgement. Jaehyun even gave me a kiss goodbye in front of his father and gave me some pizza and a jacket to take home on the crisp autumn evening. I felt like I was cared about. It truly warmed my heart. I walked down his front steps with a spring in my step, trying to hide my smile but failing miserably.

It faded only when I saw Jackson a few houses down, sitting on the bonnet of his black company car. My stomach dropped. I should have run away when I had the chance.

"Taeyong... silly,  _silly_  boy." Jackson shook his head and smiled maliciously.

"What the fuck do you want? And how did you find me here?" I tried saying with a stern tone, but I ended up sounding like I was on the brink of tears.

"I followed you home. And you know why I'm here. You know what you should be doing and you're not doing it," Jackson said as he folded his arms.

"Fuck off. My personal life is none of your business."

"Well, it sort of is..." I opened my mouth to retort but before the words could escape my lips, Jackson raised his hand. "Wait. Let me rephrase that. It isn't  _sort_ _of_  my business, it  _is_  my business."

"Go to hell" was all I could say. When, who, and how I fucked, who I spent my time with, was for me to know and him to find out.

"We have a problem here, and it is my duty, as your father's loyal PA, to rectify it. And you spending all your time with... Hung Jinyoung, was it?"

"Yes. Jinyoung."

"You spending all of your time with Jinyoung isn't productive. In fact, it's  _entirely_  counter-productive. You can't focus on your duties with Wei-Ren if behind the scenes you're fucking around with Jinyoung like there's no tomorrow."

"He's my friend."

"Taeyong, do you think I'm an idiot?"

"No. But I think you're an asshole."

"Ah Taeyong, that, you have made perfectly clear. But if you don't think I'm an idiot, then stop acting like it. I know that you two are dating. Put an end to it so you can focus on the real task at hand. If you fuck this up... well, fucking up isn't really an option. So all hindrances in his endeavour have to be eliminated."

"He's not a hindrance, as you call it."

"Taeyong, listen to me. How can you possibly be with Wei Ren when your mind is somewhere else?"

"As I said, he's my friend... he's my best friend."

Jackson sighed, evidently not believing my lie. "Stop seeing him. Don't talk to him, if I see that you're with him outside of school hours, ill put an end to it myself. And I can't promise that it'll be pretty."

"Are you threatening me?"

"Yes. I'm threatening you. I'm blackmailing you. Are we clear?"

"Crystal." I choked as my voice cracked inadvertently.

"You also think you're smarter than me, Lee Taeyong. Throwing your phone in a river? Not very intelligent. It's a waterproof tracker. Don't you think we thought about these things?" Jackson hissed and cocked his head to the side in a patronising manner.

"Fuck off Jackson."

"Its hyung to you."

I shook my head and walked away in the opposite direction.

"Hey! I'm not the enemy here! Just remember that!" He yelled as I widened the space between us. I didn't look back.

I walked home slowly parallel to the train line, not really wanting to return to my empty house. the night suddenly seemed so dismal, with bats circling overhead and cats weaving in and out of the light. When I got home, I took two large sleeping pills and went to my bed, still in Jaehyun's jacket.

"I love you... good night baby," I said as if he was beside me. I felt the drugs enter my system and slipped into a dreamless sleep.

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

At school the next day, I could sense that something was wrong with Taeyong. He seemed slow, dull and inattentive. When I was sitting behind him in maths, he was slumped in his chair and he looked out the window the entire time, probably wishing that he was somewhere else. At lunch he was quiet, and he picked at his food tray as we all sat in the cafeteria, having a laugh, and discussing each other's lives, complaining about assignments and Lucas's parents' disappointment and subsequent grounding when his neighbours told his parents that he had a party. I couldn't even say anything to him, I couldn't pull him away from the group without looking suspicious. For the first time since I met him, his gaze was cold and vacant, like a completely different person had leapt into his body and possessed him.

When school finished, I saw him walking around the corner and out of the gates. I ran to catch up with him and greeted him with a large smile.

"Hey. Come over." I demanded.

"No... I'm going to go home. Thanks for the offer, though," he informed me blankly and went on his way.

He was acting like a stranger. He walked away with his head down, and without looking back. I stood there, rejected, enthralled by his apathy. The light in his eyes had gone out. I couldn't even call him. I couldn't even talk to him without putting him in danger. For the first time since learning about his situation, I actually had second thoughts about us. It's not that I didn't love him any less, I just didn't think that I could deal with the constantly tumultuous relationship.

I shook the thought out of my head and made my way home. Taeyong was walking in the direction of the train station, but I could tell that he didn't want to be with me, so I opted for the bus. I overanalysed every fleeting fragment of interaction that we had that day.  _Perhaps he was tired. Perhaps he didn't sleep well. Perhaps I'm just being overly attached and needy. Perhaps he is busy. Perhaps... he just needs space, time to think, time to organise the scattered thoughts of his plight._

It had to be one of the reasons, so it was good enough for me, and put my mind at ease momentarily. I stepped off the bus and strolled home, tracing the steps that Taeyong and I once took: first, we were casually bumping arms accidentally, and then we were arm in arm, and who could forget our drunken walk home... all of these memories seemed like they were a world away, they were distant and faded. I wished that the past was like a hole that we could leap into and that we could visit those moments at a whim.

I got home and threw my things lazily on the floor in the entryway. I kicked off my shoes and lit a much-needed cigarette, and opened all of the curtains and let the orange light stream through into my dark house. My eyes landed on the record player. I was feeling sentimental, so I put on the Frank Sinatra record that Taeyong discovered and played the song that we danced to, on these very floors.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back, my cigarette hanging between my lips.

" _One for my baby... and one more for the road..._ " I sang, well, mumbled.

It felt strange to be alone. It felt strange to have time to reflect on the past few days. These exquisite days that I'm sure I would never forget. They had been violent, joyous, morbid, confronting, climatic, and gutwrenching all at the same time. Taeyong had made me feel again. He came into my life and swept me off my feet and saved me from the monotonous days that blended together, indistinguishable from one another. Sometimes I would even forget what day it was because it wouldn't matter.

But he changed all that. And for that, I would be eternally grateful. He turned my life upside down, but he also brought so much essence back into my life that I thought would never return. An essence that I felt when I was about seven years old when everything was stainless and sublime. When my mother was alive, when I had a sister, and when we used to spend days at the beach, eating ice creams, our burnt noses always turned towards the sun like we were flowers. When my mother and father would watch my sister and I play in the sand, his strong arms around her, her fragile neck titled to rest on his shoulder. when my father would come home from work with a bunch of roses in his hand for no particular reason or occasion, and gift them to my mother. He would sweep her off her feet. When I would feel my mother's damp hand on my cheek when I had fallen over from riding my bike, and she would soothe all of my worries away.

I went up to my room once the record finished and I got stuck into some studying for the first time in a while. My mind occasionally flicked back over the day's events, but I tried my best to stay focused. I'd hoped that Taeyong was thinking about me too.

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

The evening rolled around way too quickly. I spent the afternoon flicking through TV shows, trying to find something, anything, to take my mind off the night's events. Why is it that when you're feeling lonely, all they play is romantic KDrama's on every single fucking channel? I rolled my eyes and grunted as I got up from the couch, knowing that I would have to get ready.

I was at headquarters, and I was instructed to go there straight after school. I had seen neither Jackson or my father. Thank god.

I went up to my room (that was mine when I stayed there) and looked through my wardrobe for something to wear. I had so many clothes, evidently all the choice of my mother, who I barely saw. She acted like I didn't exist and I reciprocated this, justifiably so. She would always make sure that I had everything, material things as if that would somehow be a replacement for her. She was always on a holiday of some sort, spending money, drinking it and wearing it. I hadn't seen her for a year. And whenever she came into town, which was about once a month, she would always leave a note apologising that she had to leave quickly and didn't have time to see me.

I picked a blue, button-up shirt out of my wardrobe and placed it on the bed. I grabbed a pair of plain black pants and a pair of pull on, black leather boots. I got dressed and fixed my hair with some gel, pushing it back slightly. I looked like shit, so I decided to wear some light makeup to cover the remnants of my scar and the past few days lack of sleep.

My legs took me over to my kitchenette and into the fridge, which landed on a bottle of cold soju. I took out two shot glasses and poured two drinks. I picked one up, clicked it on the other, and said cheers. I swallowed the warm poison with a scowl, and slammed it down on the marble countertop and groaned. I picked up the other one and drank every last drop. I grabbed the bottle and sat down on my couch. I needed a cigarette. I caught the elevator down to the street and found the nearest convenience store. My vision started to blur as I fumbled with my wallet to pay.

"Hey. How may I help you?" The girl at the counter chirped.

"One packet of Marlboro Classics please." I took a lighter off the stall and placed it down as well.

She turned around and got them out of the cupboard to give them to me, and I handed her the money.

"Hey... can I have your number?"

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend." I blurted. I would not have said that if I was sober, but I was feeling incredibly indifferent and apathetic to care.

"O-oh.." her eyes widened and she blushed. She handed me the receipt and I took it out of her hand and snatched my smokes off the counter. I had completely lost my resolve. But I didn't care. What did manners matter when the world was being so evil to me?

I stumbled out of the store and went back into the building, and made my way back to my room, grabbed the soju and made my way out onto my balcony. A morbid thought suddenly crossed my mind. I could end it all, end it all right now. I could throw my body off of this balcony, and my body could hit the floor at an incredible velocity, my brains could splatter on the pavement, my spine could crack and my arms could break. I could be dead and gone within an instant, the only remnants of me, the only proof that I ever existed would be the blood on the pavement, the blood on my father's hands, and the memory of me.

I looked down at the pavement and the neon lights lining the street, and the cars yellow and red lights speeding past, each one encapsulating someone with somewhere to go, and something to do. And the world will remain indifferent to my suffering. The world will continue to spin, the sun will rise and set and the moon will take its place. My death or my life would change the course of absolutely nothing. I let the wind kiss my hair as it made it swirl. My nose grew cold and it made my eyes water. I took another swig from the bottle and was distracted when the phone started to ring. I ran inside and grabbed it off the hook.

"Hello?"

"Myong Wei-Ren is here. Come down to the dining room in 5 minutes." My father ordered. He didn't give me time to retort and he hung up the phone, causing it to emanate a long and steady beeping tone. I slammed it down on the hook and took as many shots as I could before leaving my room.

I walked like a spectre down to the dining room, I don't even remember how I got there. Wei ren was just sitting down as a maid was taking her thick fur coat. I walked over to her and shook her hand.

"Nice to see you again."

"Nice to see you too." She flashed me a flirtatious smile. Her smile faded as she pursed her lips and sniffed. "Have you been drinking?" She added.

"No. Not at all."

"I smell alcohol on you."

"It must be my aftershave."

The ornate mahogany doors flung open and in paced my father and Jackson. They walked over to Wei Ren and kissed her hand.

"You look beautiful." My father complimented. That was something that I was meant to be saying.

"Let's eat. You must be hungry." My father paused and clapped his hands, and a maid came in carrying glasses of Champagne on a tray. We all sat down at the table. I sat next to Ren and they sat opposite us. Thank god I had drunk before. I still felt my stomach churning and nerves rising in me, and I had almost finished a bottle of alcohol. So much was resting on this single night... this was make or break.

"So. Wei-Ren..."

"Please call me Ren." She interjected.

"Okay then, Ren, how is your father doing?"

"He's in intensive care. Needless to say, he has seen better days. Its all downhill from here, unfortunately, but we are doing whatever we can to make him comfortable and set his affairs in order."

"That must be so hard. I am so very sorry."

 _This is acting,_  I thought.

"Thank you."

I slid my hand over to hers that was resting on her thigh, and I squeezed it, not letting go of it. She turned her head to face me and smiled contently.

"I've had to attend so many meetings lately, I'm exhausted... anyways, enough of me. How are you all?"

"We've been busy as usual. We're in the process of selling some very expensive stock so that isn't easy."

"My goodness. Trading is the worst, especially with those cheap and sleazy brokers. My father always hated it."

I had no fucking idea what they were talking about, all of this business jargon was sending me to sleep.

"How have you been Taeyong?" Ren inquired.

"Oh, uh, I've been... great! Fantastic, actually. A little busy with school, but you know how it goes... it's my last year so I am trying to study as much as I can." I smiled and nodded. I could feel my father's large, critical eyes burning into me.

We continued to talk about Ren's father's business and what was going to happen to it. To my father's pleasure, Ren was the sole successor of it. He was leaving the entire empire to her, and her only. She was going to be one of the most powerful women in the south Korean underworld. The thought of this sent shivers down my spine.

We ate fine food and drank Champagne. My father's displays of his wealth and grandeur were not so subtle. He was evidently trying to impress her, and I believe he succeeded in doing so. There was mountains of food, more than we needed and more than we could ever stomach. After a few more glasses of champagne, my father's phone rang, and he informed us that he needed to leave immediately as he had some important business to attend to. Jackson followed him out and they bowed to us before closing the doors.

The atmosphere was suddenly empty and silent.

"So. We're finally alone."

"Yeah. Sorry about my father, he's so busy."

"No... I'm sort of glad that he left..."

"So am I." I lied. Ren grabbed my hand and pulled me up, and we walked out of the dining room, attracting curious looks from the cooks and maids. She was leading the way, tugging me along with her firmly. She pressed the elevator to go up. When we stepped inside, she slammed me against the wall and kissed me on my lips.

"I've been waiting to do that... its all I could think about since I last saw you."

I couldn't say anything... I was in shock. Her touch felt so foreign and so hollow like I was kissing an inanimate body. I did not feel any spark or any electricity. I did not feel the gravity towards her like I did with jaehyun.

 _Jaehyun_.  _I'm so sorry for what I am about to do,_  I thought.

She pulled away and ran her hands through my hair, and smashed her lips on mine. There was nothing that I could do but return her kiss. I tentatively placed my hand on her waist and pulled her closer, which made her very excited.

When the doors opened to the penthouse, she pulled me into the suite and locked the door. She stripped off her black cardigan and threw it across the room. She pushed me down onto the bed and climbed on top of me, rubbing herself against my crotch. My head felt dizzy. I was delirious. I couldnt believe that this was happening so quickly...

Ren ran her hands up my chest and down my ribs as she deepened our kiss, her tongue explored my mouth. If I can be honest, I felt so disgusted and violated. She unbuttoned my shirt and sat up, and ran her cold hands all over my chest. I looked at the wall, not wanting to look at her face, not wanting to be confronted with who was actually on top of me. I rested my hands beside my face. I didn't want to touch her.

 _Pretend its Jaehyun. Pretend its Jaehyun_  - I told myself. It was the only coherent thought running through my head.

I gathered up the will to run my hands over the top of her thighs as she began to suck on my neck. She was too rough, just how straight guys liked it. I cringed. I kept my eyes open the whole time, staring at the ceiling in disbelief. her hands moved down to my belt and she undid it with lightning speed. My dick was as flaccid as it could get.

She slid her hand down under my boxers.

I pushed her off me, and scrambled to the bed head with wide eyes, moving as far away from her as possible. I swear to god, you would have been able to see my heart about to beat out of my chest.  I was breathing heavily, but for the wrong reasons. 

"What's wrong?"

"I- I just... can't right now."

"Why? I wanna fuck."

"I'm just... I can't."

"But why?" She moved closer to me and I scrambled to the far left side of the bed. She knelt and moved her face closer to mine. She pulled my pants off and ran her hand along my inner thigh.

"Please, baby... I wanna fuck you so bad..."

"No... I'm... I'm not your baby."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want to."

"Listen to me. I'm used to getting what I want. Because when I don't get what I want, I get angry. And right now, you're making me angry."

"I mean, babe. I'm sorry. I'm just tired, really fucking tired!" I chirped, faked a yawn and got up from the bed, stumbling clumsily as I did so. My leg hit the beside table and knocked the ceramic lamp off it, and it landed with a crash. We both jumped in fright. Ren shook her head and laughed.

"I can't believe this." Ren got up from the bed and grabbed her cardigan from the floor angrily. "Call me when you're not being so prudish, or don't, I don't care. Goodbye, Taeyong. Thank your father for dinner."

Ren stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

_You've really fucked up this time, haven't you?_


	20. BLOOD

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

I sat down on the bed and ran my hands through my hair. There was no way that I could fuck her. I thought that I would be able to fuck her if I was drunk, which I was. I still couldn't bring myself to do it. Pretending that she Jaehyun's to get me through it would be a crime. I would have to call her the next day and apologise vehemently so she wouldn't hate me. I should have just sucked it up. I should have just lay there and let her fuck me. I didn't have to enjoy it. I didn't even have to watch. I could have turned off the lights and thought about something else, but at that moment it simply was not in my repertoire. 

I pulled my pants back on and did up my belt. The clothes that once fit me so well were hanging off me. All of this anxiety and impending danger made me lose my appetite. I felt like I constantly had my defences up, like I was always holding a thick steel shield in front of me, carrying it around everywhere. It was fucking exhausting, and I didn't know how much more of it that I could take. 

If I did get one thing out of that night, it was that Ren was attracted to me and that she wanted to fuck me. I walked out of the room and went back into the dining room to get the bottle of champagne. I planned on finishing every last drop of it so I would pass out on my bed and go straight to sleep. I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I had school tomorrow. 

When I arrived in the dining room, Jackson was sitting down on the chair sipping on a glass of champagne. I thought that he left... I was so terribly mistaken. His eyes remained on his glass as he raised his eyebrow and then looked at me with a burning anger in his eyes.

"I saw Ren on her way out."

"She... said she had to leave."

"No, she didn't. She said that she was  _upset_  and that she was leaving." 

"Perhaps about her father?"

"Perhaps because you didn't fuck her."

"We weren't going to fuck."

"That's not what the CCTV footage showed me."

He clicked the remote that was beside him and on the screen on the wall, parallel to the table, he fast forwarded the footage, recorded by a hidden security camera (that must have been in every room). He stopped it at normal speed at the scene that showed me pushing myself off her, and into the corner of the bed.

"You broke my lamp. I liked that lamp."

"I'm sorry."

"But that's not the problem here. You were already on thin ice. Were you thinking about betraying Jinyoung?"

"No... no."

"Don't lie to me. I know when you're lying. I've known you for a long time. I'll have to report this to your father. But I would never report it to him unless I told him that I taught you a valuable lesson."

Jackson placed his glass down on the table and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He got up and paced over to me. His stature was domineering and his eyebrows were now furrowed. I was frozen. I couldn't run away, I couldn't do anything. It's like my feet were stuck in the mud.

He raised his hand into a fist and swung a punch at me, clashing with my face, and making me fall to the floor helplessly. His face was contorted into an angered scowl. I felt my lip start to bleed. A metallic taste of my own blood filled my mouth. I choked on it and spat it out on the floor beside me. He bent down to my level and put his strong legs over me, nearly crushing my frail body underneath his monumental weight, and punched me again. He grabbed a tuft of my hair and slammed my head on the hard wooden floor, completely knocking the breath out of my lungs. My head started to spin. He got up and kicked my stomach repeatedly, which made me curl over in pain.

"You're weak, Taeyong. So very weak. Why can't you just be more like your father?"

"Over my dead body." I looked up at him and fumed. 

His boot collided with my stomach once again, before he spat on me and straightened his suit up, letting out a sigh and fixing his hair. 

"If you fuck up once more, you selfish prick, ill make your life even more of a living hell."

_As if that was even possible._

I could not retort. He walked out of the room and slammed the doors behind him. I spat out the blood that had accumulated in my mouth and pushed my body up on my weak, trembling arms. I pushed myself up on my knees, and somehow, by the work of a miracle, stood up, clutching the corner of the dining table.

The footage of Ren and I was still playing on loop. I cringed at it and hobbled over to turn it off. My ears were ringing and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I couldn't find the right button to make the footage cease. I pressed everything, even the power button repeatedly. I stood there and watched myself below her body, her hands running over me, and me looking away in disbelief. I threw the remote at the tv as hard as I could muster. It collided with a sputter, making it crack. The tv buzzed and flashed, and finally, the footage stopped.

I hadn't even realised it but I had started crying.

I walked to the corner and grabbed the phone off the hook. I dialled Jaehyun's home number. I needed to see him. I needed to be with him even if it would get me even more battered and bruised. 

"Hello?"

I instantly recognised Jaehyun's voice. 

"Jinyoung. Meet me in Seoul park on the bridge near the pond."

"What? It's so late! Is everything okay?"   
  
"Everything's fine. Just meet me there as soon as possible."

I slammed the phone down and walked as fast as I could into the hallway, clutching my stomach and stumbling over and hitting the walls. I took the fire stairs down to the street level. I pushed the heavy door open and faltered out into the alleyway. A sudden wave of nausea washed over me, and I threw up the entire contents of my stomach, including what appeared to be blood. No wonder why I was losing weight at such a dramatic rate. I was vomiting almost every day. It was just the way that I reacted to things. It was so unfortunate that at a time where I needed my strength, I was getting physically weaker by the day, fading away into dust. 

I spat out a thick string of spit and made my way to Seoul Park, taking the back streets in hope that nobody would see me. looking back on it now, the entire trip to the park was a blur. I don't even know how I got there, I just let my legs carry me. When I reached the park, It was completely dark. No lights were on as the park was evidently closed. I plunged myself into the depths of the night.

The night was freezing as the cold of autumn was setting in, in its totality. I was wearing nothing but my shirt which was still unbuttoned. I was so afraid. I flinched at every sound and at every minor rustle in the bushes lining the path. Blood was still oozing out at the corners of my mouth. I held my churning stomach and tried to find my way to the bridge.

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

I grabbed the emergency torch out of my father's car boot, which I stole (again) because I wanted to get here as quickly as possible. I paced into the darkness of the night, looking around the park like a lunatic for Taeyong. I was walking around for 5 minutes, and there was no sign of him. I felt terribly lost, but I kept going. I tried to find some signs that could give me some concept as to where I was, but there was nothing.

I kept walking around in a panic, trying to find Taeyong, some footprints in the dirt, anything to even point in the direction of where he was. to my sheer displeasure, the torch I was carrying started to fade.

"Fuck... no..." I tapped it and shook it, but to no avail. Some fucking 'emergency' torch. I shoved it in my back pocket as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I could see nothing but faint figures of trees in the moonlight. As I exhaled, mist emerged from my mouth. 

My eyes suddenly landed on a moving figure. I widened my eyes to try and focus on it, and get a better image. It had to be Taeyong. I started and paced towards him. He was turning around anxiously attempting to gain his bearings, evidently just as lost as I was.

"Is that you?" I yelled from a significant distance. I deepened my voice in attempt to make him hear me.

"AH! Get away from me!" he yelled. How could he not have recognised my voice? 

He turned around and started to run. It was Taeyong.

"Hey! Come back!"

"Go away!"

I sprinted up to him and gripped his shoulder. He pushed me away and he lost his balance and fell flat on his behind.

"DONT HURT ME!" He yelled.

"Tae it's me! It's me, Jaehyun!"

I knelt down to him and gripped his pale face in my hands, pulling his face up to mine so he could get a better image of me, and so I could see him better. He looked like he had been in a fight. He whimpered and tried to turn his face away from me, but I pulled it back and turned it up to the moonlight. I could feel his tears on my thumbs. 

"Tae? Not again! What the fuck?"

"Jackson... Jackson... he-"

"Jesus Christ. Did he hit you?"

He need not retort.

I pulled him up from under his arms, helping him to his feet. He groaned in pain. I saw that his shirt was undone, and I ripped it further open, sending the remaining buttons flying.

"Oh my god."

His stomach was red, scratched, bruised and sweaty. I took my jumper off and tied it around his shoulders. 

"We have to get out of here. I called you on the phone from headquarters and I don't want them to find you here." He choked. "they're always watching. they're coming! they're coming!" 

He grabbed my arm tightly and pointed into the distance. I whipped around, expecting to see a parade of men, but there was nobody there.

"Taeyong! Nobody's here!" 

"They're coming! Quickly Jae! RUN!" he escaped from my grip and ran away. I rolled my eyes and ran after him. He evidently didn't get very far. 

"You're seeing shit! We're alone!" I gripped him by both of his shoulders. I would see his wild eyes about to bulge out of his head. 

"WE'RE NEVER ALONE!" He snapped. 

"Come on, let's go home, let's go back to my place, everything will be fine!"

"DON'T YOU SEE?  _NOTHING_  IS FINE,  _NOTHING_  IS OKAY!" 

I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and walked him as fast as I could out of the park, taking a few wrong turns on the way. He was wincing and crying in pain. He could rest when we got home. I followed the street lights and finally, we made it to our car. He was shivering violently, and it was like his face was frozen into a permanent state of worry. 

I stripped his shirt off, pulling his arms out of his sleeves and threw it in the back. I took my own shirt off and put it on him, and followed by my jumper. I put the keys in the ignition and started the car, and turned the heaters on and directed all of the vents on him. He was looking out the window, paranoid, looking behind him and ducking his head down. My poor, poor baby... what had they done to him? 

"Nothing is okay anymore Jaehyun." He said in a croaky whisper. 

I wished that he was wrong. 


	21. PROMISE

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

We were sitting in the car looking at each other. He was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling tensely. Jaehyun broke our gaze and turned the keys and drove off into the empty streets.

"Why do you let them do this to you?" He started.

"I don't let them do anything." I looked towards him but he kept his eyes on the road.

"You have to say something to them. To stop treating you like absolute shit, or the deal is off. I hate saying this, you have to be stronger, Taeyong."

"How am I supposed to be strong? How am I supposed to put up a fight when the world is against me? How am I supposed to be strong in this world that seems to be completely against me?"

"I dont know, I wish I had the answer but I dont..."

"Please stop trying to act like you know how to save me because you dont."

"Then what the fuck am I doing here? Why are you in my car? Why did you call me?"

"Because I love you."

"I said that we were in this together! This is our fight! Just in case you forgot, I love you too, you know?"

"But... it's not! I realised that it can't be your fight! I can't drag you into this! This isn't a perfect world where love takes over everything and we all live a happily ever!"

"But it can be, you just have to listen to me!"

"Jackson told me to break up with you for fuck's sake Jaehyun!"

Jaehyun slammed his foot on the brake and we both jolted forward as the tires screeched. He looked at me incredulously. The cars behind us started to beep and swerve around us.

"Im not even meant to be seeing you outside school hours... do you get it now?"

Jaehyun looked down into his lap, and then a loud horn of a truck snapped him out of his stupor.

"Then maybe we should break up."

"No... thats not what I meant."

"Well, you were clearly thinking about it."

"No, never, I dont want to break up with you! Stop twisting my words!"

"Im just fucking frustrated, okay? This is so much for me to wrap my head around, and I dont even know the full story!"

Jaehyun drove off again, and we arrived at his house. I had never seen him this angry. He walked around to my side of the car and picked me up out of the car. He shut the door with his leg and we went inside.

"Where's your father?"

"On a date," he said in a clinical, monotone voice.

Jaehyun raised me up and put me on the kitchen bench. He helped me out of his shirts, and he pushed my body back. He went to the freezer and got an ice pack and put it on my stomach, and another one for my head.

"She tried to have sex with me."

"Ren... tried to fuck you?"

"I couldn't do it. I drank, and im still drunk, and I just... I felt so disgusting. She took my pants off... I just couldn't do it."

Jaehyun clearly did not want to respond, or even think about what Ren and I were about to do. Jaehyun distracted himself in the pantry.

"Eat this tae."

"Im not hungry."

"Please, eat."

"I don't want it Ja-"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE!" Jaehyun screamed which made my body jerk in dismay, and he threw the bag of chips that was in his hand across the room.

"I CAN'T FUCKING SEE YOU LIKE THIS! BEAT UP AND LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING BAG OF BONES? A FUCKED UP BITCH FUCKING MOLESTING YOU? WHEN AM I EVER THE ONE THAT'S ALLOWED TO BE SAD? HUH? WHEN IS IT MY TURN?" He screamed while pointing at his chest, and he moved closer to me, cocking his head as if he was going to throw a punch at me as well. He erupted like an active volcano that was dormant for a hundred years. This was a side of Jaehyun that I had never seen before, and to be honest, there and then, I was truly scared of him. Albeit, his anger did not last long as it manifested itself as sadness.

Jaehyun collapsed to the floor and put his head in his hands and rested his back against the cupboards opposite me. He began to cry helplessly.

"I think I should leave."

He didn't look up. He sniffled and wiped his eyes.

"Im going to leave now, okay?"

"Dont go." He whispered.

"I think it's for the best."

I knelt down to kiss him on the cheek, but he pulled me down on top of him. I landed with a bit of a thud on his lap.

"Please stay."

"I can't."

"Stay..."

"Are you sure?"

"127%."

"If Ren ever touches you again and makes you feel uncomfortable I swear ill-"

"Its just something that I'm going to have to deal with. And something that you are going to have to deal with too. We spoke about this. You know I don't want it."

"Alright... okay."

"Please don't say that because it's not alright. And you don't have to be alright with it."

"You're right... we just have to  _deal_  with it."

Jaehyun looked up at me with tearful eyes

"I suppose we can't really think wishfully anymore when things are getting this bad. At least we tried."

"No Jae... we can't. I'm sorry for lying to you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled my aching body closer to him.

"Maybe we should just make a promise to each other."

"What kind of promise?"

"That whatever happens, no matter how bad, we will stay together and try and get through this... even if Jackson said that he wants you to break up with me... and that eventually, we will make things ' _alright_ ' and ' _okay_ ' and we won't have to just deal with shit."

"I can't make promises that I can't keep Jaehyun."

"Then lie to me again."

"I promise that we will... we will somehow, find a way to stay together, that's not a lie. I can't promise that I will be okay and I can't promise that you will be okay, not tomorrow, not next month, not next year, but we will stay together through this, and maybe things will be alright in the end."

"Promise?"

"That much I can promise."

He held his pinky out to me and I linked mine around his like a middle schooler. This confronted me with the fact that we were in fact, still both 18 years old... We were kids, for fuck's sake.

Jaehyun lifted me up and I sat on the counter again. He ran his thumb over my bloody chin and wiped it on his pants. He went behind him and wet a tea towel and then ran it gently over my face, cleaning up the crusty, dried blood, and the new blood that was still emanating from my cut.

"Jackson should be a boxer. He's got a fucking good punch."

Jaehyun didn't laugh at my attempt to be funny. I suppose it wasn't really something I should be joking about. He lowered my lip with his index and middle finger, taking a better look at the cut inside my mouth. He ran his fingers around it, but he didn't stop there. He ran them over my bottom teeth and then moved to my top lip, tracing the shape of them with a touch gentle like a butterfly.

I closed my eyes slightly and let his touch overwhelm me.

I separated my legs that were hanging off the counter and Jaehyun moved between them. He put his hands on my waist and pulled my body closer to his.

"You can stay here tonight. You're safe here."

I nodded. Jaehyun ran his cheek alongside mine and followed by kissing it softly. I wasn't safe anywhere. But at least if something happened, he was there to protect me.

I heard a creaking noise from outside. I pushed myself away from Jaehyun and slid off the counter, and walked over to the windows, peering out. I pulled the curtains shut, and turned back to face jaehyun, who was looking at me, confused. He must not have heard anything. I traced my eyes around the rest of his house, and they landed on Jackson. I screamed and backed against the wall.

"AH!" I covered my mouth and pointed over to the figure, standing near the couch, glaring at me with a malevolent smirk. Jaehyun ran over into the living area and turned on the light. Nobody was there. He disappeared like a spectre.

"He was there! I swear to god he was there!"

"Tae... you need some rest."

"But he was there, I saw him!" I pointed over to the area in which he was standing in disbelief.

"Nobody's there..." He said in a sombre tone, attempting to calm me down. I know what I saw, and I saw no one other than Jackson. But he disappeared within an instant. Was my mind playing tricks on me?

"Come on baby... let's go to bed, okay?"

"O... okay."

Im sure Jaehyun thought I was one crazy one motherfucker. But how could I not believe what I was seeing before me? I needed redemption. I needed a miracle. I never really considered the fact that Jaehyun might not be able to save me. How could I possibly burden him with that responsibility?

We were sitting in bed, and I was so tired and fatigued you'd think that I would fall straight to sleep, but that was an impossibility. Jaehyun dressed me in pyjamas and gave me blankets. He sat on the side of the bed, obviously waiting for me to sleep.

"I won't be able to sleep unless you're with me. So you may as well make yourself comfortable" I told him.

He sighed and lay on his side, propping himself on one arm so he could still look at me. The concern on his face was unbearable, the thought that I was making him hurt was tearing me in two.

"You know Taeyong... I still don't know a lot about you."

"What do you mean? You know everything about me."

"I know most things about you... but I don't know the little things. The seemingly irrelevant things. like... whats your favourite colour?"

I rolled my eyes at his attempt to make small talk.

"Blue. Whats yours?" I asked.

"Green. Whats your favourite food?"

"Kimchi fried rice."

"Mine's tteobokki. Whats your... favourite season?"

"Summer," I said plainly.

"See? I didn't know these things before."

"I get what you mean."

"Why won't you just kiss me?" I blurted.

"Are you telling me to shut up?" Jaehyun said defensively.

"No... I'm just telling you to kiss me."

Jaehyun leaned down slowly and lingered over my lips, brushing them gently with his own.

"I'm so worried about you Tae." He breathed into me.

"Lets just not talk about it for now... and just forget for a little while... just for a few minutes."

Jaehyun pressed his lips onto mine, interlinking our souls in the process. To me, physical contact always stemmed beyond what was there. I always felt something inside of me, something inside of me emerge... like my heart was about to jump out of my chest, land in my hands, and I was about to give it to him to keep forever.

He sucked my bottom lip while I sucked his top one. I leant up and pushed Jaehyun onto his back, not breaking away from the soft, tender kiss for one moment. I climbed on top of him and straddled him. He rested his back against the headboard of the bed. I pulled away to look at his face. I had almost forgotten, in the midst of this drama going on in my life, how beautiful he was. He was looking at me anxiously, like the first time I saw him, siting across from me on the train with wide, innocent eyes.

I cupped his face with both of my hands and absorbed every detail of his face. He had a light spray of freckles and a sunburnt nose, representing the remnants of summer. He smelt of cigarette smoke and aftershave, as always.

"You're making me shy."

He attempted to look down and break our gaze, but I moved his head back up and fixed my eyes on his again. I caught a glimpse of the old Jaehyun. The boy on the train, the school student, the boy who sat behind me in maths and next to me in English, the wrecked and abused Jaehyun who hid his troubles behind an unwavering facade, the boy who was shy and anxious but was also a hopeless romantic. I was staring back at my gaze that belonged to his body. He was smirking like an idiot, trying not to break out into a wide smile. His dimples formed in his cheeks, and his eyes almost disappeared. That was how I knew he was truly happy, and I was relieved that I could still make him feel that way despite all of this.

"It's just me, baby."

"Just  _you_? Are you kidding me?"

"Now you're making me shy."

Even though my life was crumbling like a house of cards in the wind, perhaps we were still two stupid boys, horribly, terribly, truly, madly and deeply in love. After all it was a fact that could co-exist with two boys in terrible, horrible trouble.

"Can you sing for me?"

"No... I can't."

"Please baby, you have such a beautiful voice."

Jaehyun pulled his t-shirt over his head and covered his blushing face with his hands.

"I'm not that good Tae!"

"Liar! Please just sing for me, it would make me feel so much better. Please? Pretty please Jae?"

I pulled his shirt down and his smile faded.

_"So whenever you ask me again_   
_How I feel_   
_Please remember_   
_My answer is you_

_meon gireul dashi doraganda haedo,_   
_nan yeojeonhi gateun mamil tenikka,_   
_We'll be alright_   
_I want to try again"_


	22. PARANOID

TAEYONG'S POV

"We'll be alright  
I want to try again"

"Oh my god Jae... Jaehyun! Dont stop!"

"I'm not singing anymore."

"You're... you're so good I can't believe it! You... you have to do something with your talent!"

"Like what... sit on the side of the road and busk and have people throw me a few bucks out of pity? I don't think so."

"No... you could be famous, Jae. I've never heard anything like it. Remember me when you're famous."

"Shut up Taeyong!"

Jaehyun playfully pushed me back and hovered over me. He covered my mouth as I continued to speak, trying to flatter him, but he wasn't hearing it. His hands were muffling my praise. I was laughing like an idiot at how Jaehyun couldn't even take a compliment. All of a sudden, I saw tears form in his eyes. His laughter turned into a shallow cry. He chocked and whimpered and made no attempt to contain his cries.

"What happened? Did I say something wrong!?"

Jaehyun lingered over me for a moment. His body was pressed onto mine, and I could feel his solid thighs against my mine. His eyes darted around my face and then met my eyes again.

"You make me so happy Lee Taeyong."

"Then why are you crying, baby!?" I consoled him with a concerned tone as I wiped his tears with my thumbs in sympathy.

I sat up and he followed my lead.

"I don't want to lose you... I'm so scared... I've suffered so much loss in my life... I've come so close to losing you and I... I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with it."

"But you aren't going to lose me. You aren't."

I was lying to him through my teeth...

"I'm so scared... the thought that Jackson or some other asshole might hurt you again... It's just... fuck. You make me so happy. I don't even know what I'm fucking saying anymore. You make me like this." Jaehyun laughed through his tears and wiped his eyes.

"I know what you're saying Jae... I get it. Come here."

I snaked my hands around his waist and buried my head into his wide shoulders. He held me so tightly like he never wanted to let me go like it was the last time he was going to see me. I traced his muscly back with my fingers. I felt his chest rise and fall in a steady, consolatory rythm. He ran his large hands and long fingers through the back of my hair, gripping it gently. I pulled away and lied down, and Jaehyun did as well. We were both so very tired. I hadn't had a proper sleep since the last time I was with Jaehyun. It seemed like forever ago.

I winced as I rested my beaten body on his bed. Jae lifted my shirt up and kissed my stomach where it was bruised and red. His lips were so velvety and supple. The cold tip of his nose touched my stomach as he was kissing me. This tender and asexual interaction never failed to turn me on...

I lay my arm out for him to fit in beside me. He rested his head on my chest and I kissed his forehead. It was my turn to protect him now. Jaehyun had been staying so strong for me for so long, and I broke him. I tore down his walls, brick by brick. I wanted to rebuild them for him, but I was too weak... I couldn't even rebuild my own, I couldn't even if I tried.

We both fell asleep without saying another word.

Jae?

I was in a long and empty hallway. I could hear muffled and distorted music playing, but I could not find the source of it. It was a song that I recognised... that I had definitely heard before. The orchestra of strings and clarinets was not calming at all; it was eerie and ominous...

"I'm a fool to want you  
I'm a fool to want you  
To want a love that can't be true  
A love that's there for others too"

The song that I was listening to with Jaehyun on the train. How could it be? Was this all a mind game? Some kind of sick stunt?

The air was thick with fog as if someone had left the doors open on a cold winters night. I spun around trying to gain my bearings. I held my hands to my arms and began to shiver. The walls and floors were all a shade of bright white. I walked over to the nearest window and peered outside. The sound of my bare feet pressing on the tiles sounded like an atom bomb against the stark silence. Outside, I could see nothing but bright fog. I exhaled. I was so confused. Why was I here?

Not long after, I thought I saw something in the distance. I squinted my eyes to try and get a better look at what was out there, to get a grip on where the fuck I was. I could see rough outlines of something or someone approaching. As the ambiguous figures moved closer, I could make out the shape of them... they weren't just figures... they were people. A whole swarm of them approaching the building. I jumped back and hit something behind me that wasn't there before.

"Its all your fault, Taeyong."

I shrieked and nearly had a heart attack. The person had black eyes and a gaping black hole for a mouth. I ran down the hall and looked back. The figure was staring at me. I continued to run, and I looked back again. It was gone. I turned back around and bumped into it, stopping me in my tracks.

"You did this, Taeyong."

"What did I do? Tell me!"

I went to grip the figure's shoulders but it melted before my eyes, upon my hands coming into contact with it. Its entire figure was replaced with black dust, and it fell to the floor in slow motion, scattering everywhere and piling into a mound. Time was suspended for a moment. I stepped back in disbelief. I shook my head and continued to run down the hallway. I was so confused... what the fuck was happening to me?

I spotted a door on the left wall that was slightly ajar. I ran over to it as fast as my feet could carry me.

I pressed it open slowly with the tips of my fingers. The room was empty save a single hospital bed with steel bars on the side and white sheets perfectly made on the bed. There was another figure standing in front of the large window, that took up virtually the whole wall. From here, I could see all of the figures approaching, moving slowly and swaging in the mist.

"Jaehyun? is that..."

I walked over to him and peered over his shoulder. Thank god it was him... I smiled and sighed in relief. His eyes were closed, and his skin looked so pale in the bright white light. All of his beautiful features were illuminated. I could see the faint hair on the top of his lips, and the fluff on the side of his cheek. His eyelashes were resting on his cheeks so very gently. I could see every fine detail on his peachy lips, every crack and every contour. His thick, shiny black hair was messily resting on his forehead, resting on his eyebrows. I admired how his plump bottom lip cast a faint shadow on his chin.

"Jae? Where are we?"

I placed my hand his shoulder and his eyes darted open. They were completely black like he had been possessed by the infinite nothingness of the far reaches of the universe.

"You did this to me Taeyong  
"You did this to me Taeyong." his voice echoed around the room.

"W-what?"

I looked down and his chest started to bleed. Time seemed to slow down.

"You did this..." he looked down at the blood, and then he looked back up to me. "Its all your fault."

"Jaehyun!" I pressed one of my hands on the wound in an attempt to stop the bleeding, and another one on his back, applying as much pressure as I could. But his entire body replaced itself with blood. It fell to the floor in a splash, staining everything in a bright shade of red. It weaved in between the cracks, spreading around the entire room like a flowing river in the thawing season. It did not relent.

The people had arrived. They all entered the room, one after the other filing in.

"Its all your fault."

"You did this."

"Its all your fault, Taeyong."

"SHUT UP! WHAT DID I DO? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! WHAT DID I DO?"

They all approached me and kept repeating the same words in a haunting chorus. I heard a high pitched screeching in my ears as the song reached its end. I gripped my hair and my face contorted in confusion and terror. Their bodies were getting closer. I moved back against the window and slid down to the floor. Jaehyun's blood was all over my hands and feet. I looked down at them and began to cry and shake.

"You did this, Taeyong."

Their chorus became louder and louder. I gripped my head and screamed as loud as I could to drown out their voices.

"TAEYONG!"

"AAAAHHH!"

JAEHYUN'S POV

Taeyong inhaled sharply and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He jumped over me and shrieked and whimpered in a panicked trance.

"TAE, STOP!"

He pushed scuttled on the floor on his knees, right into the corner of my room, almost knocking over my bookcase. He stared up at me with wild eyes and parted lips, he was hyperventilating dangerously fast. I turned on the lamp and darted over to him. He was wiping his hands repeatedly on his pants as if they were dirty.

"I did- I did I - did this - this I did this -" He mumbled through his fast breaths.

I snatched his wrists from his attention to stop him from rubbing his hands over and over again. He looked at me, almost with a disgusted scowl. I didn't know what to say. I widened my eyes and the inner corners of my eyebrows were raised in shock. No words materialised on my tongue.

Taeyong wriggled free from my grip and pushed open the bathroom door. I ran in after him and flicked on the light. He grabbed the soap bottle on the faucet and pumped way too much soap into his hands. He turned on the hot water tap, and the hot water tap only. Boiling water came gushing out and he scrubbed his hands in a hysteria.

"Its my fault its my fault - my fault its my fault taeyong your - your fault - fault... all my f-fault."

"B-baby?"

I stood in the doorway. I had never been so terrified... It's like what happened in his dream had somehow transcended sleep, and was flowing into his consciousness. Taeyong kept rubbing his hands under the tap. Steam rose from the sink.

"Tae! It's boiling!" I pushed him away from the sink and turned it off. His hands were bright red. He looked remarkably confused. His grip on reality was slowly slipping away from him... and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

"I did this," Taeyong whispered. He looked down at his hands and rotated them as if they were stained with something.

"What did you do, Tae?" I said in an overly calm tone, forcing myself to remain as calm as possible, as to not freak myself and him out. He was evidently one prone to night terrors, he even had a nightmare in my company once before.

"I didn't do anything..."

"What? You just said you-"

"I didn't do anything... it just... you just... slipped between my fingers." He interrupted me before I could finish.

"I slipped between your fingers? How?"

"Blood. Blood everywhere..."

"Tae let's go to the hospital now. You need a proper rest... and proper food, and proper care."

I wrapped my arm around him and lead him back into my bedroom and sat him down on the bed.

"No... no... my father... he would kill me. And I would expose everything that he's done..."

He was right. I was being pathetically stupid.

"You're fucking hallucinating! You're paranoid!"

"It'll go away. It's just because I'm stressed." he whimpered. His grip on reality seemed to have returned as quickly as it had slipped away. It seemed as though his mind was constantly teetering between the two. The lines between them were blurred.

"How long as this been happening?"

"The past two days."

"Jesus Christ Taeyong. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse."


	23. PENDULUM

"Jesus Christ Taeyong. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse."

Taeyong glared up at me with sunken eyes. I had to brighten him up. I had to do something, anything to take his mind off his this, to remind him that he was still human. I scooped him up from the bed and carried him downstairs in my arms. He didn't even react, I don't even think he had the energy to contest me. I placed him on the couch and put one of my old Harry Potter dvd's into the player. I wrapped him up every blanket in sight and placed all of the damn food that I had in my pantry in front of him.

He was looking at me with a mischievous grin. But his smile... I don't even know if I could call it a smile. Something was wrong with it. Something was disparate. I grabbed a blanket for myself and snuggled up next to him as the movie started playing. I took a bag of sweets from the table and opened them. Taeyong opened his mouth and I placed some gummy worms into it. He chewed them contently. We were sitting on the couch, watching movies and eating snacks like it was a date night. We were constantly shifting through the real and the parallel. I couldn't concentrate on the movie at all. I was staring at the screen vacantly, just thinking about what Taeyong had said to me...

 _B_ _lood... blood everywhere... slipped between my fingers;_  he said.

I looked over at him while still keeping my head faced towards the tv. The images from the light emanating from the tv were flashing on his face like a projection. I could see the scar beside his right eye. His deep cupids bow created a dark shadow. His lips were slightly parted, revealing his shimmering white teeth as he was concentrating on the movie. He was blinking slowly. His cheekbones were protruding and his sharp jawline was catching the light. The outer corners of his mouth were very deep and in contrast, his lips were so delightfully perky, even looking at him from the side. His bottom lip was slightly bigger than his bottom one which made them wonderful to kiss, as my lips fit with his like a lock and key.

Taeyongs head suddenly turned and faced mine. He leaned into me and I wrapped my arm around him. I looked down and his eyes were beginning to close and his blinking was becoming laboured. I stroked his hair as his breathing became heavier and his tense body relented and sank into mine.

After a few more minutes of watching the movie, my father came home. All air left my lungs in a flash. Was he drunk?

"Jaehyun? Is that-"

"Shhhh...." I pointed down at Taeyong.

He nodded and I placed Taeyong's head down on the couch gently and pulled my father's wrist into the kitchen. He was as sober as a nun, thank god.

"Taeyong got into a lot of trouble so he's sleeping here tonight."

"That's okay. What happened to his face?"

"He got into a fight with a member of the mafia."

"Is anyone gonna come after him?" He whispered intensely.

"No. Nobody knows where we live."

My father nodded and patted my shoulder. He turned to walk away to go to bed after his long day.

"Taeyong and I are proud of you." I said as he was walking upstairs.

"I'm proud of me too, kid. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay... then will you tell me about your date?" I forced a smile.

"Of course. Night, Jaehyun. I love you."

"I love you too, dad."

I went back over to the couch and lifted Taeyong's head up slowly and rested it on my lap. I looked down at him. He looked so serene... He was twitching slightly in his sleep. I ran my over his hair during his slumber.

When the morning arrived, Taeyong was still in a deep sleep like it was the middle of the night. I'm sure he would have slept through an earthquake. My poor baby was so tired. I wanted to let him sleep forever. I wanted to stop the sun from rising so the world would be plunged into an eternal night, so the light wouldn't disturb him. I went upstairs and carried out my usual morning routine, and I decided to write a note for Taeyong.

_good morning, or probably afternoon,_

_I hope you're feeling better. I'm going to school but please stay at home today and rest all you like. There is food in the fridge if you need it, and the shop down the road opens at 11. They have nice kimbap there. You should try it._

_Please stay until I get home from school so I know you're okay. I can't go very long without seeing your face. I hope you understand baby._

_Play records, do whatever you want. Just don't look at my porn collection in the cardboard box under my bed._

_Yours truly,_   
_jaehyun._

I folded it and took a look at myself in the mirror. The cuts on my forehead had healed completely. I didn't look terrible, but I definitely had a virtually permanent perturbed scowl on my face. That was just the effect that Taeyong had on me.

I placed the note on the coffee table near the couch and gave Taeyong a kiss on the forehead before he left. He opened his eyes slightly but closed them almost instantly and they remained that way. I wanted to stay with him so desperately, to take care of him all day, to restore him to some sense of normality, but I had to keep living. I had to go to school so I didn't raise alarm and fuck up my grades completely. My father must have left earlier on because the front door was unlocked.

I strolled to the train station with a spring in my step. The day was slightly cloudy but still fine. The weather was not so terribly cold as it was last night.

The entire train ride I kept looking out the window to Seoul, and around me at the train station at the miscellaneous faces, people who I had never met. I wondered what people thought of me. And I thought about them and their lives... what had happened for them the night before? Did they stumble around a park looking for their paranoid boyfriends?

The old lady sitting across from me sat with her husband watching the news in her apartment drinking tea and reading books. The boy sitting beside me, about my age, went to band practice, judging guitar in a black case sitting in-between his legs. The young girl two seats behind me with puffy cheeks and eyes went to ballet practice and she wanted nothing more for her father to come and watch her, but he was too busy and said that he was working, her mother picked her up and wiped her face with her tear stained cheeks and fixed her stray hairs back into her bun and told her that he would be there next time.

Why was I so in tune with the world, but at the same time so ridiculously out of touch?

Was I Jung jaehyun, the teenager who went home and did their homework and had a wank and talked to their friends on the telephone for hours on end? Or was I Jung jaehyun the boyfriend of the son of the most powerful man in South Korea? Or was I both? What story did I have to show for myself?

Constantly shifting... the world constantly spinning... when would it stop? When would the fabrics of these two courses be sewn? The pendulum was constantly swinging back and forth, perpetuated by the earth's gravity.

I hopped off the train in a hurry and forced the sliding doors back open as they began to shut, and I squeezed myself through.

When I arrived at school, I raced over to my group. _I had to tell them_. They instantly noticed my worried countenance.

"Guys. Sports Shed. now."

They all got up and followed me to our usual spot. I lit a cigarette they were all looking at me intently.

"Taeyong... it's Taeyong." I began. I didn't even know where to start.

"What do you mean T _aeyong_?" Lucas folded his arms, obviously a little annoyed that I was causing so much alarm so early in the morning.

"He's... his parents are forcing him to do something. And if he doesn't do it, he's going to get in a lot of trouble. The thing is, the thing he is meant to do is hard for him... its almost impossible. And so much is resting on him he's losing his mind."

"Uh... sorry,  _what_?" Mark said confused, looking at all of the other boys for an explanation. Lucas looked at me blankly.

"Yeah, ditto. Not following. What do you mean losing his mind?"

"He's being forced into a marriage. like... if he doesn't do this... bad things will happen to him and I'm sure of it."

"What the hell?" Ten remarked.

"I thought he was with you." Lucas scoffed, evidently not really seeing the point.

"He is with me. That's also another problem."

"Break up with him, idiot. You even said it yourself, that we should keep our distance, take your own advice." Ten said grimly.

"No... no. I can't and I won't."

"What do you mean by bad things, Jaehyun? Are you saying that you or Taeyong could get seriously fucking hurt?" Ten said angrily.

"No, I'm not saying that." I lied in an attempt to calm him down.

"Then what are you saying?" He squared up to me and broadened his shoulders. Ten was always... the feisty one. He always said what everyone else was thinking. I guess that was his role in the group.

"He's in  _danger!_  So if you could stop being a fucking prick about it and fucking listen to me, I would fucking appreciate it!" I screamed at ten to his face. Ten stepped back in shock and cocked his jaw to the side, and shook his head.

"His parents are forcing him into a marriage so he can inherit a lot of money. A  _fuck_  ton of money. And at the same time, he is going to dismantle a rival business so they can have even more control. But the thing is, Chittaphon, Ten, whatever you call yourself, he's gay, something that you would know about. Oh, and then he has to kill the girl he marries to get the money. Does it fucking make sense now?"

Ten went pale, and Lucas went over to him and pulled him back from me. Our faces were almost touching. I swear I could have punched him there and then...

My entire group was silent. All I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my ears.

"So yeah... I just wanted to tell you. Not that any of you fuckers would care. Or realise why Taeyong wasn't here."

I slung my bag over my shoulder and went to walk away but Lucas stopped me.

"We care, Jaehyun, where did you get that shit from?" Lucas informed.

"Your fucking boyfriend. Now leave me alone. I'm sorry I ever told you."

"Don't be so sensitive." Lucas lamented.

"HE COULD DIE AND YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE IM CRAZY!" I snapped again, just like last night.

"Geez Jaehyun... we didn't say anything." Mark said while he stood behind Haechan. Pussy.

"From now on I'm Hung Jinyoung; if anyone asks. I'll see you at lunch. Nobody talks about this again. Thank you all for your... consideration." I bowed sarcastically and took one last drag from my cigarette and blew a thick cloud of it into Ten's face, and then flicked it away.

I shook my head and walked away from their confused faces, and a furious Ten.

That did not go exactly as I had planned. I wished I could have called Taeyong...

I sat in mathematics with my first class, and Lucas arrived slightly late and took his usual place next to me. So, this is what happened when the two seams were sewed together, even just by one stitch.

_You even said it yourself, that we should keep our distance, take your own advice._

His words echoed through my brain like a scream in a cave.

 _You even said it yourself_.

I was blinded by love. I knew it... I knew it from the fucking beginning. I was stupid... so fucking stupid... the crushing weight of reality fell upon me like a crumbling house on fire, like a tonne of bricks, like a house of cards.

But there was so going back now. I was in too deep, I was too far gone. I knew it. Everyone else knew it. My father knew it. Ten knew it. So did Lucas.

When the bell sounded for lunch, I was not in the mood to sit with anyone. I simply went by myself to the sports shed and lit a cigarette. I needed some time to clear my head. I finished one cigarette, flicked it away, and lit another. of course... I was never alone. Especially when I had a friend like Lucas. I had known him for so long... I knew him as Yukhei, not Lucas. But he was like ten. He hated his name. But what's in a name?

"Hey Yukhei."

"It's been ages since you called me that. You even called Ten Chittaphon just to piss him off," he said with a laugh.

He sat down beside me and put his large hand on the back of my head.

"Don't worry about Ten. You know him. He's an ass sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Okay. He's an ass. But I still love him."

"Huh?"

"I still love him. Like how you still love Taeyong."

I nodded and looked up into his caring, warm eyes.

"I love him so much. You have no idea."

"I admire you Jaehyun. What you're doing... it's heroic."

"No, it's not. I'm just in love."

"But you're brave, Jaehyun. You're so brave. You were always like that. Whenever we were getting pulled, or the fuckwit seniors took our ball when we were shooting hoops... you were nervous and shaky, but you always stood up to them."

"It's different now."

"You're wrong. You haven't changed a bit, Jae. Or is it Jinyoung?" he teased. We both laughed and then sat in content silence for a few moments. Lucas was special to me. I would never be able to replace him. We would be able to sit in silence, and just be comfortable... it was never awkward, it was just...  _silence_.

He patted my back and pulled me up in attempt to change the sombre mood.

"Come to the cafeteria. Lunch is on me." It felt nice to have someone care about me.

"Thanks, Yukhei."

"Its Lucas to you."

"I'll call you what I want. You don't even call me hyung anymore. Where's the respect?"

We were joking just like old times.

"Hey... I was thinking... I want to get Taeyong a present." The wind was blowing our hair gently and our shoes were squelching in the slightly damp oval grass.

"Like what?"

"Something... something meaningful."

"Don't get him a candle. What about a book?"

"Yeah... that's a good idea. But I don't know what he already has."

"Jewellery? What about an earring?"

"He doesn't have piercings."

"A ring then, you idiot."

"Isn't that a bit... marriage-y?"

"No, not at all. People get each other rings all the time. Trust me, my parents are married and they fight at least once a week. I reckon they'll be divorced within the next year."

"I guess you're right. You're a romantic genius."

"I mean, I am popular with the ladies if I do say so myself. For a good reason. It's not about the looks. Its all about the personality and how you-"

"You're gay, Lucas."

"Right."


	24. COLLIDE

After school, I decided to go to the jewellery store. I wanted to get Taeyong a gift... something that symbolised my love for him, so that it could be on him all the time, so he would never forget, no matter how dark things became.

I pushed the door of the shop open making it chime the bell that was attached to it. I was greeted by a smiling old man, who was plump and had deep wrinkles in his skin. The carpet was a deep red colour, and the display cabinets were so shiny and clean it was almost like they weren't there.

"Hello, young man. How may I help you?" He chirped.

"I need a gift for my girlfriend."

"Ah, a Romanticist, as the French said... what do you have in mind?"

"A ring."

"Yes, brilliant choice. One for you and one for her, I presume?"

"No... just for him."

He raised his eyebrow at me with a confused look. It went straight over my head, but I had already blown my whole 'straight guy' cover.

"In my humble opinion young man, rings are a much more meaningful gift when each partner has one."

I suppose he was right... perhaps they could be like a promise ring.

"True... I guess I'll take two, but I don't think I have the money."

"The set comes with two anyway." He smiled at me fondly. He grabbed a set of keys on a ring from out of his pocket and picked one out of the collection. He opened the cupboard below him and brought out a display case full of rings of all shapes and sizes.

"These are our best sellers. A brushed metal silver band for the man, and a delicate, polished double band for the woman. But I see that you're... of the other persuaion."

"Yes. I'm... yeah. I like the look of the silver bands. Can I try it on?"

"Absolutely."

He handed it to me with delicate fingers and I slipped it on. It was perfect. I could imagine it on Taeyong's bony and veiny fingers.

"I'll take these. How much are they, sir?"

"81,000 won for both, but ill give it to you for 56,000."

"No, its fine, really."

"No, please, I insist. Perhaps an engraving as well? It's free. Always has been and always will be. I think it adds a more personal touch."

"I don't know what I would get."

"Initials is a popular go to. But if you have anything that means something to you both in specific, something that nobody else would understand, to me that is a beautiful thing to put on a ring..."

"127%." I blurted.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, it's just something we started to say to each other. It's hard to explain. But I suppose that's what you meant."

"What's his name, young man?"

"Lee Taeyong."

"And whats yours?"

"Hung Jinyoung."

"So what about... J+T, 127%, as you so described?"

"Yes... perfect. Thank you." I was smiling at him like an idiot. I got my savings card out of my wallet, all of the money that I had accumulated over the years, but was so hesitant to spend. This was definitely a worthy investment. I slapped my card down on the counter and he swiped it through the credit machine, and he handed it to me and I punched in my PIN.

"Jung Jaehyun... why did you lie to me about your name?" He looked at the name on my card and handed it back to me.

"Once again, that's a long story too, sir. Don't take it personally at all, I didn't mean it that way."

"Your secret is safe with me." he winked, making the leathery skin beside his eyes crease even more, and then pushed his glasses up on his nose. He grabbed the set of rings from the cabinet. His smile was unwavering and warm.

"Come back in 5 minutes. I just have to do the engraving. There are seats outside."

I nodded and smiled and made my way out of his establishment. I sat on the tables outside at the cafe next door, and pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The afternoon was warmer than usual and busy commuters were making their way home. I loved the sound of women's high heels clicking on the pavement. Children with oversized school bags and baggy uniforms scurried by me carrying balloons and laughing loudly. White doves flew overhead, swirling in the wind.

sometimes I would get these moments were I thought that there was so much beauty in the world, sometimes I couldn't handle it, I wanted to swallow it all up and keep that feeling within me forever, so when that feeling faded, so when something evil happened, I could unearth it and take at that moment like a drug.

A car drove past me with the window down, and I was met by a familiar face. The world seemed to slow down to a halt. I had seen that face before... not long ago... and not far from here...

Jackson. Jackson Wang.

His arm was resting on the door and his face was blank, yet still ominous in a way that I cannot describe. He blinked at me once, and then he zoomed away. I must have been seeing things. I was seeing things... it must have just been someone who looked remarkably like him. I was just being paranoid. I always had my defences up. It was just a hallucination, just like Taeyong's. I guess our brains had similar ways of coping with things... or not coping. It depends which way you look at it.

After 3 cigarettes and 5 minutes passing, I went back inside and on the counter was a polished, white bag tied up with a red ribbon. He stood up from behind the counter and gave it to me. He grabbed my hand in his and looked at me in the eyes.

"I wish you all the best."

What did he know that I didn't know? For some reason, his words seemed like a premonition of sorts... I was sick of these mind games. I smiled and thanked him, and made my way out. I shook it off like water off a wet dog and walked the rest of the way home. The afternoon was far too alluring to spend it sitting on a train or a bus. That would almost be a crime.

When I arrived home, I burst into the house with excitement.

"Taeyong! I'm home! Sorry I'm late!"

I looked all around the bottom floor but he was nowhere to be found.

"I have a surprise for you!" I yelled as if that would somehow make him materialise out of the shadows.

I ran upstairs and flung my door open. nothing.

I was immediately disheartened. Taeyong had cleaned my room up nicely, and made the bed and folded all my clothes. My eyes travelled to my bedhead, and I found a note. I unfolded it and it read:

_Hey baby,_

_Thank you for last night. I'm feeling a lot better now. I called wei ren and she forgives me... so my mind is at ease. For now at least._

_I ate two pork cutlet bowls from the Japanese place down the road. I bought one for you but I was too hungry. Sorry baby ;) I also bought you a new packet of Marlboros. Let's smoke them together after school tomorrow. I miss you already, I can't wait to hear the sound of your voice again._

_I love you, I love you._

_From Tae_

_P.s I left a kiss for you in the left corner of this page so kiss it back, dont leave me hanging!_

I could hear his voice as I read it.

I giggled and pressed the paper up to my lips, and then I held it to my chest. His handwriting was neat, careful and precise, each symbol was drawn with care and grace. He was so perfect, every aspect of his being was so infallible that it hurt.

"I love you too." I whispered. I picked up the pack of Marlboros that he bought for me and I put them safely in my draw. I put the note in the pocket of my trousers.

I sat down at my desk and got my books out of my bag, preparing to study. I buried myself in my work, completely zoning out in the process. I studied until it was dark into the silence of the night.

I heard the front door unlock and my father strolling in, his keys rattling in his hand. I shot up and ran downstairs, evidently very keen to see him.

"Hey, dad. How are you?"

"Hi Jaehyun. I've never been better. I'm over the moon, actually."

"Did you just see your girl?

"Yeah. We just went out for dinner. She's so beautiful Jae.... I can't tell you. You have to meet her. I told her all about you. I showed you the picture of her that I keep in my wallet. She thinks you're so handsome."

"Aw dad, stop. That's so nice. Speaking of handsome, you're looking so much better."

"Thank you... I know."

I went to the kitchen to make some tea and my dad sat down on the couch with a tired grunt. I came back over to him and put the cups on the table. I wanted to spend as much time with my father as possible... I missed him so dearly. He was there, my entire teenage life, but there was not a day where he was sober. I poured him some tea and handed it to him, and he lifted it up to his lips and sighed.

"I need to talk to you about something Jae."

"What is it?"

"Its hard for me to talk about and I'm sure its harder for you to hear."

"Did something happen?"

"No no... not at all. It's about Anna."

"Give it to me straight, dad."

"I want to ask her to marry me."

"Oh my god... dad that's.... That great!"

"She's really something... she believed in me when no one else did. She saw past the alcohol, she saw past the mess that I had become... and she saw me for me."

"I'm happy for you. really."

A part of me didn't really want me to marry her because I felt like it sort of discredited my mother's entire existence, and her death. But it wouldn't bring her back. I wanted stability in my life, I wanted to find it wherever I could.

"Mum would be so proud of you," I added.

My father's eyes welled up with tears. He smiled at me.

"You have her eyes... that's why I couldn't look at you... you reminded me of her so much and I couldn't bear it."

We were interrupted by the front door swinging open and hitting the door, almost being ripped off the hinges. I jolted up. My father looked up at me with a confused glare. From around the corner in the entryway, I heard the sound of heavy boots hitting the floor. Jackson walked around the corner with a smile on his face and a raised eyebrow. Two men ran over to me and grabbed my father by his shoulders and pinned him down when he attempted to struggle against them.

"What the fuck is this!?" He yelled.

"Hung Jinyoung..." Jackson said as he checked the time on his Rolex watch. " _Or should I say Jung Jaehyun_."

I paced over to him with clenched fists. Two other men ran around from behind him and grabbed both of my arms and held them behind my back. I felt handcuffs being clipped around my wrists which made me panic.

"J-jackson? What the hell are you doing?"

"I think you know very well what I'm doing here."

"Who are these fuckers Jaehyun?!" My father screamed from behind me, wriggling in the buff men's grip. I whipped my head around and saw Jackson nod. I heard the sound of knuckles colliding with my father's skull. They knocked him out cold. I shrieked, his limp body collapsed back into the couch like he was dead weight. His body slid down the couch and landed on the floor with a thud like a ragdoll.

"Want it to be your turn next? Pretty boy?" Jackson strolled over to me and ran the back of his hand along my cheek. His touch made me cringe.

"N-no! What do you want from me!?"

"Taeyong chose well... so well. Bright eyes, dimples... you remind me of myself in high school." He looked at my body up and down, pinning me down with my eyes.

"I don't know what you're fucking talking about." I spat through clenched teeth. He stepped away from me and rolled his eyes.

"Hah... so I see you're going to play dumb. It takes two to play this game. This looks like it's going to be harder than I thought. Gag him. Let's take him in." He turned his back nonchalantly and walked out of my house.

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows and then felt a cloth being forced into my mouth from behind me, and being tied in a secure knot. I tried to struggle out of the men's tenacious grip but it was no use. They pulled me roughly out of my house and down the stairs. The streets were completely empty... where was my fucking neighbour, Ms Yang, when I needed her?

They dragged me down the stairs and I started to cry and scream.

"Shut up you bitch!" A man yelled in my ear. He grabbed my head and forced it into the car. He pushed me in and my body fell onto the seat. I wriggled up and kicked the man who was trying to get in with all of my might. I felt a wave of adrenalin rush through my body. The man grunted as my foot collided with his dick, and I pushed my body out of the car. The other man pushed my chest back in, but I kicked him in the stomach, missing the sweet spot slightly... Jackson, who was already in the car, let out an annoyed sigh.

"God... fucking  _pathetic_." He scoffed. He sat up and grabbed my throat, and slammed me down on the seat. He put a knee on my stomach to hold me down, and I tried to arch my back to throw him off.

"Sweet dreams, Jaehyun."

The last thing I saw and felt was his large, muscular hands colliding with my temple.


	25. GUN

"Sweet dreams, Jaehyun."

The last thing I saw and felt was his large, muscular hands colliding with my temple.

When I woke up, I was in a dark, damp and cold room. Concrete lined the walls and floors. There was a singular light bulb hanging from a string on the ceiling, but no windows. There was a steady and constant drip of water from the ceiling like a clock keeping time. shallow puddles scattered the floor. I had no idea what time of day it was, or where the fuck I was.

I felt an acute, pulsating pain in my head... How long had I been out for? A day? A week? Who knew... I was lying on my side, with my hands cuffed behind me. As I came to my senses and sat up, I realised that I was chained to the wall behind me. I groaned as I sat up. My clothes were absolutely filthy. I brushed my cheek against the wall, scraping it in the process, an attempt to get the fucking gag out of my mouth. I succeeded. I took in a heavy breath of the musty air and spat out the thick saliva that had accumulated in my mouth. I coughed as my throat was ridiculously dry.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw a bolted, metal door in the corner. I heard a very faint buzzing sound as I scanned the room. In the far right corner, I saw a camera with a flashing red light, zooming in and out on me.

"Hello?" I said. My voice echoed around the empty room. Although, it was not empty for long. I heard the metallic screeching of the metal door being unlocked and opened. Jackson and his associates stormed in.

"Jaehyun. Good morning. I thought you'd never wake up."

"H-how... how long was I out?" Was all I could manage.

"A couple of days."

What the fuck? A couple of days? Was he pulling my leg?

Jackson's two underlings twisted a key into the cuffs, setting me free from the chain. Then they grabbed me by my shoulders and lifted me up onto my weak legs. Jackson strolled over to me slowly, emerging from the darkness, with a smug look on his face. He eased his face dangerously close to mine and smiled. I looked at him with wide eyes, and I held my breath.

"Taeyong... where's Taeyong?" Was all that I could say.

"You'll see him in a moment. But I have someone who would just love to meet you," he said sarcastically.

He turned around and paced out of the room. I was being dragged behind him. I couldn't find my feet, I was so damn weak. It must have been days since I had eaten or drank anything. My vision was blurred. I was so terrified.

They took me up into a large elevator and the two men that were holding onto me tightly. They let go of me, thinking that I was able to stand. I fell to the floor with a thud, making the elevator shake.

Jackson looked down at me patronisingly.

"You're weak, Jaheyun. You're so fucking pathetic it makes me sick." He said in a condescending tone. He spat on me, and it landed right on my stomach.

"Go to hell, asshole."

This made him laugh hysterically like a mad man.

"We're already here."

His words sent a shiver down my spine.

The elevator doors opened and they grabbed me again. I was greeted with absolute luxury, a stark contrast to the dismal room that I was previously being held in. The architecture was ornate and the wooden tables that lined the hallways were perfectly polished, without a speck of dust on anything. There were Persian rugs down the entire hallway, and vases of roses and other exotic flowers on the tables. Jackson turned to his right and opened a mahogany door, and his men dragged me in behind him.

I squinted upon entering as the room was filled with blinding, white light.

"JAEHYUN! NO! YOU BASTARDS YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!" Taeyong wailed.

He went to run over to me, but he too was being held back. His violent movements made strands of his gelled hair fall in front of his forehead.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing materialised. I seemed to choke on my own breath. I looked at Taeyong with furrowed eyebrows. He was wearing a suit with a blue shirt underneath it. His hair was slicked back, revealing his forehead. He looked terribly sick. He had huge bags under his eyes, and somehow, he looked even thinner. His bony hands hung out of his suit jacket.

"Cat got your tongue, Jung Jaehyun?" A deep voice remarked.

That's exactly what Taeyong said to me when he first asked for my name.

My eyes darted over to a table pushed against a window, revealing all of Seoul. He looked over to me. He looked exactly like Taeyong. The resemblance was almost uncanny. He got up and walked over to me with a cigarette in his hands, blowing out the smoke to his side. His feet made footfalls on the white marble floors, which was the only sound being created in the eerily soundless room.

"So. You're the one that's been fucking everything up. Its a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Taeyong was looking over at us with wide, wild eyes.

"My name is Lee Seon-Won. But call me Mr Lee." He said as he grabbed my wrist, turning me around, and extinguished his cigarette onto my arm, instantly asserting his authority and power over me. I shrieked in pain and threw my head back. I could smell and hear my flesh being scorched, like meat on a barbecue. Perhaps that's all I was to them. Just a piece of fucking meat.

"I see you've acquainted yourself very well with my son. I suppose I could go as far to say that you're lovers. Tell me. Is that true, Jung Jaehyun?"

"N-no." I quivered. I didn't know how much information he had about me so I didn't want to give myself away.

"Liar. I see you're nervous. Look. This is no way to treat a guest. Please excuse me. Let's have a seat, shall we?"

The men grabbing my arms took me over to the table and slammed me down on a chair. Mr Lee sat down opposite me and poured us both a glass of fine, chilled whiskey. He placed it in front of me and clinked his glass against mine.

"Take his cuffs off. This is all so... uncivilised." He said as he swirled the liquor around in his glass. "Cigarette?" He added. I shook my head slightly. I looked over at Taeyong who was breathing heavily in the corner, still being held back. I rubbed my wrist where the cuffs left bruises on them. I looked down to where Mr Lee had burned me. It left a round mark, filled with ash and bubbling flesh.

"So. Let's get down to business, shall we?"

Once again, I opened my mouth to speak but no words formed.

"Right... I see my son is in love with you. Or whatever you want to call it. When we were searching you, we found this note in your pocket. Could you have been any more stupid? Not to mention its awfully pretentious. I thought I taught Taeyong better."

He pulled it out of his coat pocket and threw it on the table, and straightened the creases out of it.

"I love you, I love you... I left a kiss in the corner of this page... get over yourselves, for fuck's sake." He snickered.

"Do you understand what my son is required to do? I presume Taeyong told you already." He added.

"Yes." I choked.

"And you're getting in the way of that. Wait, I retract that statement. You're not just getting in the way of it. You're making it impossible. Correct me if I'm wrong."

I remained silent. I had forgotten how to breathe. I felt all colour drain from my face.

"I see we have a mute homosexual on our hands." He smiled and laughed, and everyone else erupted into laughter.

"Look. This is getting ridiculous, even comical. I'll speak briefly. Stay away from my son. Don't talk to him. Don't even fucking look at him."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I love him."

"What?"

"I love him."

I could not believe what I was saying.

"JAE WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? DON'T... DON'T!!!" Taeyong yelled from behind me, evidently wanting me to lie so all of this was put to a close.

"If you love him, then you should want to protect him, correct? So stay the fuck away from him. Am I clear, or are you more stupid than I thought?"

"No."

He laughed malevolently and rolled his eyes, then focused his gaze on me.

"Tie him up again. He's obviously choosing to do this the hard way. Now is not a time to be humane and civilised. I'm sorry, Jung jaehyun, I tried. I really did. It's almost like you're begging for it."

I felt hands behind me, tying them behind the chair. Then, they tied my hands to the legs of the chair. They were always one step ahead...

"Everyone, leave. Right now. Including you, Jackson." He ordered. His dogs followed his orders.

Mr Lee dragged my body in the chair into the centre of the room like I was weightless. Taeyong ran over to me and grabbed my face in his hands. Tears welled up in my eyes uncontrollably upon seeing his.

"I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry baby." He whimpered helplessly as he was running his cold hands over my face and squeezing my shoulder, trying to take me in completely.

This is the end, I thought.

Mr Lee reached into his coat and pulled out a gun that was strapped to his chest. My eyes widened and I began to cry heavily. I had never been so fucking terrified. The bright lights in the room made every image so shadowless and so vivid. This really was the spawn of some sick nightmare. Although, I couldn't escape it by waking up.

Taeyong's head whipped around when he saw the gun.

"NO... NO!" He stood up in front of me.

"Come here Taeyong. Come here now!"

"No..."

"What? How dare you disobey your father... I give you everything, and this is how you treat me? I try and set you up for life, and this is how you repay me? With sheer insolence?" Mr Lee grabbed Taeyong's arm and pulled him away from me like he was dead weight; like he was his puppet. Taeyong stumbled forth.

"I suppose ill give you a final chance. Stay away from my son, or die."

"Don't be stupid Jaehyun! Say it!" Taeyong yelled.

"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie, you fucking bastard? Taeyong knows it and you know it..." I hissed.

"You've got a goddamned nerve, Jung Jaehyun." He said as he cocked his head to the side, and shook his head in disbelief at my audacity.

He pressed his thumb on the hammer of the gun, loading a bullet into the barrel. He held the gun up to me, aimed right in the middle of my forehead.

"No. No. Father. Please don't do this. He will stay away from me. He will move schools. I'll do anything. I'll make sure of it myself. Don't do this. Don't fucking do this!" Taeyong pleaded with every fibre of his being. He clutched onto his father's suit, and his father looked down on him without a hint of emotion on his face, as if his own son was a homeless person begging for money.

Then, his father hit the butt of the gun into Taeyong's brow bone out of frustration. He fell to the floor and cried in pain. He gripped it and then looked at the blood on his fingers. He must have reopened the wound that was already there.

"Get up. Get up!"

His father pulled him up by the collar. Both Taeyong and I were crying hysterically.

"You know what? I'm not going to do this. You are." Mr Lee spat.

His father came from behind him and shoved the gun into his hands. He put his own on top of his, not allowing him to escape. Blood was dripping down from his brow and mixing with his tears. I could see a layer of shiny sweat on his forehead. His father pressed his cheek up against his sons. Taeyong did not tear his gaze away from mine, not even for a moment.

"Shoot him, Taeyong," he whispered.

Taeyong had a dream about this... he knew... he fucking knew. Everything seemed to make sense now. Taeyong was smart. He was too smart for his own good. he had a special brain... a brain that could make heads or tails of a situation. He had done so before any of this even happened...

I was looking down the barrel, and all I wanted to do was tell him that I loved him.

"SHOOT HIM!" Mr Lee yelled, making Taeyong jump and squeeze his eyes closed.

"I love you. Do it. I love you. This will all go away."

"I'm so sorry Jae." he whimpered. He held the gun to me for a few moments more, then he lifted it up to his head and pressed it against his temple.

"NO! NO! TAEYONG, STOP!" I yelled and tried fruitlessly to escape from the ropes, only burning my wrists in the process.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Mr Lee spat as he took his face away from Taeyong's slightly.

Taeyong was looking at me through heavy eyes and he was breathing heavily and sharply at the same time, unable to regulate his breathing. Then, I saw a cold countenance wash over his face.

He elbowed his father in the face, and pushed him away from himself, kicking his stomach, which made him grunt and fall to the ground. Mr Lee groaned in anger. He went to get up, but before he could, Taeyong pulled the trigger, landing a bullet in his father's shoulder. He clutched it as he yelled in sheer disbelief. He did not see that coming. Taeyong kneeled down to him.

"You always underestimated me... I never made you proud... no matter how hard I tried. You may as well have just killed me and got someone else to marry Wei-Ren..."

"You'll be lucky to ever see the light of day when I'm done with you..."

"The thing is, father... Jaehyun loved me more than you ever did. So you understand why this is happening, right?"

"You've lost your fucking head! What the fuck have you done? You're going to pay for this!"

"I haven't lost my head. But you're about to lose yours."

Taeyong darted to his feet. He held the gun up to his father with a straight arm and a puffed out chest. He loaded the gun and shot him in the forehead. The bullet kissed him and pierced through his skull, breaking his flawless skin. The bullet exploded in his brain, splattering shards of bone and brain matter everywhere.

Taeyong watched his father's eyes dart to the back of his forehead, as his body collapsed face first on the white floor. Taeyong was breathing quickly and heavily. We watched blood emanate from his lifeless corpse.

It had all happened in an instant.

"Ah... AH!" I yelled as I had just come to grips with what he had just done. Taeyong kept the gun pointed at his father as his hands started to tremble.

Taeyong's eyes darted over to me. The gun dropped out of his hands and landed on the floor with a metallic clang. I saw his throat tremble and his eyes widen.

He ran over to me and threw his arms around me. I didn't even know what to say. Taeyong grabbed both of my shoulders.

"Do you love me?"

"I love you."

"Would you do anything for me?"

"I would do anything for you."

"Then we have to get the fuck out of here."

Taeyong went behind me and untied my hands. Both of our eyes darted down to the gun, and then back at each other. I nodded, and he ran over and grabbed it.

Taeyong jogged to the door and held the gun up as he peered his head around the corner. We both ran out of the room, adrenaline was flowing through my veins. I don't think I had come to grips with the consequences of what we had just done. Taeyong led us down numerous flights of the fire stairs, running as fast as our legs could carry us. When we arrived at the basement carpark, Taeyong put a bullet in a locked door and kicked it open. He grabbed the keys to a random car, and paced out. I followed him. He clicked the 'unlock' button on the key, and a black Lamborghini flashed its lights. He looked over at me and smiled. We ran over to the car and jumped in. Taeyong put the gun in my lap and then slammed his door shut.

Taeyong and I had changed so much. He was showing his emotions shamelessly. He wasn't being what his father wanted him to be. I wasn't being another face in the crowd. I was standing up for myself, and for what I believed in. At that juncture, I felt empowered. I felt invincible. Nobody could hurt us anymore - I thought.

I had just stolen someone's husband. It was all whirlwind, heat, and flash. Within a week, we had fallen in love and single-handedly put a gaping hole in the underworld, and the leader of the mafia's forehead. We stole the car and hit the road.


	26. STAY

Taeyong pulled the car into a gas station and slammed his foot on the brakes. He grabbed the cold gun out of my lap and shoved it in his pocket.

"Come with me. Get what you need." He ordered concisely.

I nodded and paced out of the car into the shop, mustering up any confidence that I had within me to walk with my head up high, and to act like I just hadn't witnessed a murder. 

We had been driving for fucking hours. We were well out of Seoul... I didn't even know where we were. I had never seen this place before. The entire car ride was a silent blur. I looked out of the window to try and gage where I was, but Taeyong was speeding away on the empty, dark roads as fast as the car would allow. 

Taeyong walked in before me and started to grab food packaged food, putting them under his arm making the foil crinkle. He went to the counter and placed them on top.

"All of this. And two bottles of vodka."

The cashier turned around and placed the bottles on the counter.

"Can I see your ID please?"

Taeyong took the gun out of his pocket and held it close to his side, but he revealed it enough for the cashier to see.

"Are we going to have a problem?"

His eyes widened and he continued to scan the items in a panicked haste. Taeyong and I saw the cashier's hand snake down to the panic button.

"Press it. I dare you. I'll blow your hand off. Then the only button you'll be pressing is the assistance button at the hospital," Taeyong warned. 

"J-just take what you want don't hurt me!"

"I was planning on paying. But thank you, kind sir." Taeyong scooped everything off the counter swiftly. And handed me two large bottles of vodka. He walked out of the store without looking back. I looked over my shoulder to the cashier, who had his hands pinned up against the wall in surrender. We went back to the car and slammed the doors shut, and drove off yet again.

"We have to find a place to stay for the night."

"Well my auntie lives probably another... two hours from here?"

Taeyong looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

"I'm sure she would love to meet-"

"I don't think that's the best idea right now. We might have a lot of explaining to do." He said. A cold mask still covered his face. His eyes were still hollow and void of any light or life.

" _Right_. Maybe we can find a motel or something?"

"That's more like what I was thinking. I don't think your precious aunt would be able to deal with having us at the moment."

We both looked ahead of us on the empty highway.

I pointed to the sign that had the "rest" symbol.

"Take the next exit," I said.

Taeyong flicked the blinker on to go left and stepped on the accelerator. Our backs were forced on the back of the seats.

"Do you think its safe here?" Taeyong said as he looked in the rear vision mirror, to see if anyone was on our tail.

"Taeyong we've been driving for hours... of course... its 3 am. Come on baby, let's just find a place to stay. You can't drive when you're tired."

"I guess you're right."

We drove into a small town with a low skyline, littered with a few shops and decrepit looking houses. Stray dogs ran down the street, barking, and there were a few kids sitting outside the service station drinking what appeared to be alcohol and making an awful ruckus, probably laughing at a joke that wasn't that funny. Taeyong's eyes landed on a motel in the distance. It had two stories and doors facing the road. It was a red brick building with a typical, flashing neon light pointing down to the motel.

He drove into the driveway and parked in the space closest to the reception, the tires crunched against the loose gravel as he straightened the wheel. He let out a sigh of relief. He looked down at his hands and spat in them, getting rid of any splatters of blood that remained, and he ran his hands through his hair, and then looked at himself in the rear vision mirror. Taeyong licked his thumb and removed any dirt and splatters of blood from my face. We both got out of the car and I opened the door to the reception. Taeyong stepped in before me and sussed the place out curiously. The sorry excuse for a motel was truly dismal. There were tacky green lamps on the wall and the floor was lined with stained faded maroon carpet. It smelt faintly of cheap coffee and dust. He nodded, thinking it was safe.

"Id like a room for one night please," Taeyong said. The receptionists' eyes were still on the outdated tv bolted in the corner of the room.

"Two single beds?" The middle-aged lady croaked as she put down her cup of black coffee, obviously not wanting to be bothered. Perhaps she wasn't used to having visitors. I could see why.

"No. A double bed." Taeyong said confidently.

"That'll be 250,000 won." 

"You've got to be kidding me." Taeyong scoffed.

"Then go find yourself another place to stay, pretty boy." The receptionist chuckled. She had dramatic, poorly applied makeup on. She was wearing bright blue eyeshadow with terribly overdrawn red lips, adorned with cheap jewellery that jingled whenever she moved, even slightly.

Taeyong rolled his eyes and relented. 

"Ill take it." 

"Ill need a name for the statement."

"The name's Lee Taeyong."

"And him?"

"Jung Jaehyun. If anyone asks if we're here, tell them that you've never heard of us. Erase us from the records."

"Should I be concerned?" She said with furrowed eyebrows.

Taeyong reached into his jacket pocket and slapped a hunk of cash on the counter. The lady looked up at us with a raised eyebrow and then smiled, flashing us her yellow, gappy, cigarette-stained teeth. She grabbed the cash and flicked through it with her thumb contently, evidently very easily bribed and not at all suspicious.

"It'll be like you never existed, my friend. Enjoy your stay."

She took a key off the wall behind her and handed it to Taeyong. We walked out of the reception into the dimly lit night. The moon hid behind the clouds and the lamps were flickering. Rats were scurrying around our feet which made Taeyong scowl in disgust. Taeyong opened the car door and retrieved our food and alcohol. He locked it, which made the car lights flash. Our feet splashed in puddles as we walked over to the staircase. We located room 206 on the second floor, and Taeyong unlocked the door. It creaked open, and he turned on the lights. They illuminated with a flicker and then buzzed on.

Taeyong dropped everything on the table and slumped down on the bed, flinging his arms out to the side. His ribs rose as he breathed in. His stomach was so flat that it made a concave shape, and rose once again at his hipbones. I sat down close beside him, and he opened his heavy eyes slightly and looked back up at me.

Just like that, the light had returned, and his eyes seemed familiar once again.

"Taeyong... you had a dream when we first met."

"I know."

"Did you see this happening?"

"It was almost exactly the same. I felt everything. It felt so real..." Taeyong closed his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek. "How am I meant to know whats real anymore? Isn't this just another dream?"

"Tae, I can assure you that this isn't a dream."

"So you mean this is really happening?"

"... Yes... what are you talking about? This is happening." I grabbed his hand and placed it on my cheek. He sat up slightly.

"So you mean I really killed my father?"

"Yes."

Silence hung over us in a thick sheet as we both sat in mute contemplation. 

"I've put us in a lot of danger haven't I?" Taeyong said virtually inaudibly.

I nodded sombrely. He ran his thumb over to my lips and ran it over them softly.

Taeyong shook his head. All of a sudden, Taeyong darted up and with shaky hands, he opened a bottle of vodka. He held it up to his lips and without hesitation, he skulled it as if it was water. He swallowed it and grimaced. I could smell the toxic poison from my place on the bed.

"I killed my father." He said blankly while looking at the ground. "I killed my father." He repeated while looking at me.

"I  _killed_... my father?" He marvelled with a snicker. "PFFHT! BANG! Just like that?" He made a gun with his fingers and shot his finger into the distance. He took another long drink from the bottle. He looked at it and smiled. He began to laugh maniacally.

"I KILLED MY FATHER! HAHAHA!" He chuckled, bending over, holding his stomach, and flailing the bottle of alcohol around theatrically. "SPLATTERING HIS FUCKIN' BRAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE!" Taeyong pointed to his head and pretended that he was shot, snapping his head to the side.

I watched his display in sheer fright.

All of a sudden, his tears of laughter turned into tears of anguish and heartbreak.

"I killed my father." He fretted and looked at me dead in the eyes.

"I KILLED MY FUCKING FATHER!" He threw the bottle of vodka against the wall, making it explode in a crash. I jumped. "I KILLED THE FUCKER! I KILLED MY OWN FATHER!"

I snapped myself out of my trance and went over to Taeyong and grabbed him from behind, and I crossed his hands over his chest so he couldn't escape. He went to yell something again, but I stopped him as I held my hand over his mouth.

"Shhhh..."

Taeyong let out another scream. I could feel every single muscle in his body tense up. He had finally realised what he had done. I knew this would happen. Taeyong flailed out of my grip and he stood up and faced me. With every fibre of my being, I tried to remain calm. I felt my patience wear incredibly thin. I paced over to him, closing the space that he had made between us. I clutched his face in my hands, forcing him to look deep into my eyes.

"You have to listen to me, look at me right now. You can't keep doing this shit. People can fucking hear you... I ... I should be getting the fuck out of here! You're going fucking crazy!" I said through clenched teeth.

"Hit me then, Jaehyun. Hit me! Hit me!" Taeyong yelled as he had noticed the anger boil up inside of me. He palmed my chest repeatedly, making my body fly across the room. He pushed me against the opposite wall.

"Why would I bother!? You don't even know what's real! You probably won't feel anything!" I retorted. I slightly overpowered Taeyong using my extra 5 centimetres of height. Despite this, I still felt like the powerless one as I felt tears well up in my eyes.

Taeyong grabbed me by my collar in sheer frustration and slammed him against the wall. I let out a grunt as he knocked all of the air out of me. Taeyong stared up into my eyes that were riddled with fear and apprehension. To my surprise, Taeyong kissed me roughly. I pushed him away. 

"Don't say that you're going to leave again." Taeyong whimpered through heavy breaths. I felt full of rage... his mood was changing like the weather, he was yelling like a madman one minute, which made me want to leave him, for the first time ever. Then, he was looking at me with those big fucking irresistible eyes, begging me to stay.

I grabbed him by the collar and slammed him down on the bed. I raised my hand, ready to slap him across the face, hit him as hard as I could, to decimate his beautiful face, that beautiful face that I adored so much, but he hated so deeply at that moment. Taeyong flinched as I raised my hand. I lingered there momentarily, looking down at him. What the fuck was I doing? then, I cupped his face and running his thumb over his bottom lips. Taeyong's lips parted slightly and I finger slipped in gently, tracing his teeth. Taeyong pushed me over and hovered over me on the bed, straddling me.

"Stay with me... stay..." he implored while stroking my messy hair off my forehead.

"I want you to kiss me," I whispered.

"You hate me."

"I love you."

"You hate me."

"I love you."


	27. BODIES

"You hate me."

"I love you."

silence clung to us like a disease, like how a flea clings to a dog's tattered coat. 

"You should have killed me. Then none of this would be happening," was all I could say, to be rather blunt. 

"I didn't have a choice... I- It was you or him. I chose him..."

Taeyong caressed every inch of me.

"I don't want to think about this any more... get me the vodka." Taeyong smiled slightly and jumped off me and grabbed the bottle of alcohol that wasn't smashed against the wall and currently seeping into the carpet. I pushed myself up against the bedhead of the large double bed, and Taeyong jumped back on top of me which made the wooden planks supporting the bed creak. He unscrewed the bottle and held it up to my lips, pouring the vodka into my mouth. I guzzled as much as I could... I swallowed it and felt a wave of nausea wash through me. I scowled as I swallowed it and Taeyong laughed at my ugly facial expression. "That's it, baby." He held the bottle up to his lips and effortlessly took a swig.

Taeyong placed a soft kiss on my lips. I could taste the remnants of the alcohol on them. I sucked it off them, making Taeyong giggle.

"Delicious," I said sarcastically. I took the bottle out of his hand and took another two shots. I instantly felt the straight, strong liquor enter my bloodstream and make my entire being numb. All of a sudden, a murder, a dead man lying on the ground, lifeless, red blood oozing out of his body, became so much easier to forget about, even if it was just for a little while. I still had so many unanswered questions.

"What did you do while I was being held in that fucking hell hole? I was out for what... three days?"

"Oh yeah... Shit well and truly hit the fan Jae."

"That's a little broad."

"I went on a date with Wei-Ren. The bitch wouldn't stop talking about herself. She's started to call me TaeTae which literally makes me cringe." He shook his body in disgust. I laughed. "Only you're allowed to call me that." He added with a smug smirk. His smile seemed a little laboured and pained. I could tell that he hated talking about her more than anything. 

"A date? That's not that bad."

"It wasn't just a date."

"What else did you do?"

"I... please forgive me jaehyun."

"What happened now?"

"Can't you tell? Are you really going to make me say it?"

"As much as I would love to, I can't read your mind." 

Taeyong paused for a moment and his mouth hung open, evidently searching for the right words to say. But unfortunately, there was no subtle or gentle way of saying it.

"I had... I had to fuck her."

I looked down and then back up at the bottle, then Taeyong's concerned face. There was no way that I could retort. I was jealous, defeated, and frustrated all at the same time. I felt my body tense remotely. 

I lifted the bottle up to my lips again and took two large shots.

"I had to take a Viagra." He added. 

"Just..... don't... don't." Taeyong grabbed my nape and pulled his head onto my chest. I shook my head and closed my eyes. I didn't want to have to share his body with anybody... even if he didn't mean it, or enjoy it.

"The other days while you were out, I didn't even know where you were. I looked for you everywhere. I asked all the boys at school and Lucas said that he was the last one who spoke to you properly. He said you were angry so I was scared that you ran away."

"So you really had no idea where I was?"

"No clue. Then my father ordered me to come and see to him. He..." 

"He what? spit it out Tae." I implored. I wanted to tear the words out of his mind. 

"He... Well, Jackson... told him that he suspected that I was dating you. Jackson told him that I kissed him in year 10 and that he thought I liked guys... that I'm gay. My father said that would explain my disobedient behaviour."

"Jesus Christ... What did you do?"

"I couldn't do anything... I just had to sit there and take it. Then they told me that they had captured you and that you had a concussion and that you didn't know when you we're going to wake up. I lost it."

"Yeah, Jackson knocked me the fuck out like you wouldn't believe. What do you mean you lost it?"

"I screamed and cried... and I ran all the way to the creek. I had to get away. I thought about looking for you in the building but there was no way that id be able to find you. Even though I am my father's son, I am who I am, i am the successor and technically I should be second in charge, but I was considered a fucking enemy of the mafia. Theres no way I could force them to let you go."

"Its okay baby.... Its not your responsibility. Im out now, and youre with me." I forced a smile.

"Thanks for not saying that youre okay." Taeyong lamented.

"I tried to avoid that. Just like you said." I looked into him.

"But how did they find you?" 

"They came to my house. My father was home. Jackson's men knocked him out too. I don't even know if he's okay." 

"Fucking pricks... I was born into the wrong family." 

"You don't have to tell me something I already know." 

His eyes were pools of wonder. The secret glimmer of bright water, an enchanted river whose glow is like the bright warmth of an autumn day; crystalline water that welcomed my touch. The still surface broke when he laughed or smiled.

"You understand me like nobody else" his lips curled into a smirk, and that's exactly what his eyes did.

We had already finished three-quarters of the bottle. I could see Taeyong's eyelids droop slightly, and his cheeks flushed a light pink colour. His movements were becoming more sloppy and slow like God had pressed the slow-motion button on his remote.

"Let's talk about everything in the morning once we've slept on it, okay baby?" Taeyong whispered in my ear. I had gone too long without his touch.

"I'm sorry I tried to hit you earlier... I'm so sorry," I muttered while Taeyong brushed his cheek against mine. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes.

"I don't blame you... you held your cool for so long..." I felt his hands snake up my neck and through my hair.

"I didn't mean it when I said I should be getting out of here."

"I know you're scared... you're allowed to be scared..." his face moved down to my neck and he talked into it. He wasn't kissing it, his lips simply lingered on my skin gently. I could feel his lips tickle my hairs as his breath made them dance.

"Kiss me now. Stop teasing." I blurted.

"That's no fun, baby."

Taeyong began to suck on my neck. It sent warm shivers through my body; it was like his lips had an electric charge. As he was sitting on top of me, he started to grind his crotch against mine. He lifted himself up slightly, and then concaved his back as he rolled his pulsating dick against mine. I grabbed his small waist firmly with both of my hands. My long fingers completely engulfed his frame. Taeyong pulled his shirt over his head. As he did so, his toned muscles flexed under his thin skin, revealing every fibre and detail of his body in the dim light, which cast shadows on his perfect body. He threw his shirt onto the ground and shook his hair off his forehead. 

I moved my hand from his waist to the hem of his pants. I ran the back of my finger up the faint trace of hair on his lower abdomen. Then, I ran my hands down his back, feeling each vertebrate and bone, treasuring them with my touch. My hands arrived at his ass, and I pressed him onto me. I widened my legs so I could feel him on my crotch as much as possible.

Taeyong leant in and kissed me again. His tongue entered my mouth and I ran mine along with his, around it and over it. Taeyongs hands were fiddling with my ears and he ran them between his fingers softly. I pressed Taeyong down on me a final time, which made him gasp, he bit my bottom lip gently before he tugged on it slightly and pulled away.

Both of our testosterone levels were incredibly high due to all of the stress that we had just been placed under. We were getting very turned on, very quickly. Taeyong ran his hands up my torso, taking my t-shirt up with it. He leant down and sucked on my exposed nipple, and played with it between his teeth. I threw my head back and closed my eyes. I tore my shirt over my head and threw it across the room in an attempt to ease some of the sexual tension and frustration that was brewing inside of me.

Taeyong moved down to my abs and kissed them as he lowered himself between my legs. He undid my belt and slid down my pants and my boxers in one swift movement, revealing my almost embarrassingly hard dick. He ran his lips over my hipbones and breathed into my v-line heavily. I moaned and arched my back, and I ran my hands through his hair. Finally, he grabbed my member and held it in his hands.

He stuck his tongue out and licked the underside of my dick like an ice cream. He started at the bottom and ran his tongue all the way to the top, not missing an inch. A flirtatious and mischievous smirk emerged on his lips. He looked up at me with narrow eyes. Taeyong kissed the tip of me, and then took it in his mouth lightly. He ran his lips over the tip of my dick. I felt his warm spit coat me, and the inside of his lips were soft and fleshy.

With ease, Taeyong took my entire length in his mouth, pressing down on my shaft with his tongue, and then closing his lips as he reached the top. Just how I liked it. He could tell. I almost hated how he could read me so well... needless to say, I was an open book, and he was a most inquisitive reader.. but he always found a way to read between the lines.

Just as I was about to come, my dick swelling up, Taeyong tore his mouth away from me and lay down beside me, and pulled me on top of him. I furrowed my eyes in disappointment as I wanted him to finish me off. 

"I'm all yours tonight, baby."

In slight frustration, I ripped his pants down fumbling with his belt and pulled his pants off. Taeyong swung his leg up and I grabbed it, and I injected my pulsating dick into him. He groaned uncontrollably and pushed his hips up and gripped the sheets in both of his hands. I looked down at him with slightly parted eyes. Sweat was coating his forehead in a thin layer, and his eyes were squeezed closed. I thrusted inside of him, in and out, grinding inside of him with smooth movements. Because I was especially hard, it felt better than anything that we had ever done before.

"Fuck... fuck..." Taeyong mumbled under his breath. I clutched his thigh and squeezed it as I reached my climax. I could have fucked him for hours. I wanted this feeling to linger inside of me forever, sheer euphoria caused by the collision of our bodies, the smashing of our atoms, every single particle of each other functioning in an equilibrium. We were like two dying stars, collapsing into each other's gravity, about to explode and make a collision of cosmic proportions, infiltrating the surrounding empty space with dust and an inexplicable array of colour. I grabbed Taeyong's length and rubbed it gently. I pressed the tip of it which literally made him scream.

"Right there... oh f-fuck."

I injected myself inside of him as far as I could. I came and filled him with my warm liquid. A few moments later, Taeyong came all over himself, covering his stomach with a translucent white seed.

I fell down on the bed beside him and Taeyong threw his leg over me and rested his sticky body on mine, our bodies squelched slightly upon impact. I felt my entire body tremble in relief. I was shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"Baby... you're shaking." Taeyong said in-between his gasps for breath.

"I'm sure I'll okay."

Taeyong rested his head on my breast, breathing into it, attempting to stabilise his breathing. I felt his hair tickle my armpit. He intertwined our legs, and we stayed that way until we had both recovered. I stared at the cracked ceiling. I felt Taeyong's warm body against mine. I smelt vodka and the smell of his sweat mixed with deodorant and his aftershave.

I buried my head in his hair and kissed the top of his head. We didn't say anything, we did not shed a single word. There wasn't really anything that we could say. I loved how I could enjoy silence with him... content silence... our bodies did the talking. I felt every concave and incline of his body against mine like he was painting me with his shape. 

I felt Taeyong's fingertips trace gentle circles on my torso. How could such beauty emerge from such injustice and pain? Why did this fleeting sense of contentedness and gratification feel so supreme, even though I knew that it would soon dwindle and fade into nothing like the exhale of a cigarette on a windy day? Perhaps it was because my life had stooped into a new low, and had changed so completely, that any inkling of happiness, even if it was falsified, would feel like I was on top of the world, especially when it was Taeyong who was making me feel that way. 

"I feel like I'm on top of the world when I'm with you," I whispered. 


	28. FUGITIVES

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

I was sitting at the bar, checking my watch and the clock on the wall every minute, and tapping my foot on the floor, in time with each second. Where the fuck where they and why were they taking so long? I was already offended and frustrated that Mr Lee didn't allow me to... help Taeyong and Jaehyun  _get the message._  I poured the last of my whiskey down my throat and decided to take matters into my own hands. I grabbed my gun off the bar and hid it within my jacket. I paced out of the room and took the stairs down to the hall in which they were situated. When I arrived at the floor, the space was filled with sheer silence.

"Sir?" I yelled through the hallway. Had they left? Perhaps his negotiation went smoother than expected. The door to the drawing room that everyone was in was slightly ajar. I walked over to it slowly and peered my head around the corner just in case I was interrupting something. I pushed the door open with the tips of my fingers slightly, and what I was confronted with would change my life forever.

My boss, my senior, Lee Seon-won, the man who I had communicated with almost every day of my life for the past year, was lying face down on the floor in a pool of blood. I had known this man for years... our families were so close. To be honest, at a stage, I even considered him my uncle, and I considered Taeyong my cousin.

I couldn't let my emotions get the better of me. I touched the blood on the floor and rubbed it between my fingers. It was thick and coagulated. He had been there for a while. I flipped his body over with my foot. Rigour Mortis had not yet set in, so he was killed within the past two hours.

He had an initial disarming shot on his shoulder, and by the looks of it, the second wound was the one right in the middle of his forehead. The person who shot him was not an amateur with a gun. I instantly knew who it was. Lee Taeyong. His father taught him how to use a gun and even taught him how to disarm his opponent. His aim was precise and succinct. 

This was the ultimate betrayal.

A wave of anxiousness washed over me. Who did Mr Lee leave as his successor? You'd think that I should be weeping over my boss's body, crying and clutching him to my chest and performing CPR or calling the ambulance like a fucking idiot. Albeit, I was trained not to feel anything in these situations. It was my job to be a brick wall - an emotional deflector. I had to act accordingly. I took my foot away from his body and it slumped back onto the ground. I walked out of the room and shut the door. Before I could tell any of my other men about what happened, I had to find Mr Lee's will. That will, that piece of paper, could end me and everything that I know. His office was always locked with a passcode. 

Before I did anything else, I retrieved my gloves out of my pocket so I would not leave my fingerprints on anything - a handy trick that has allowed me to get away with things of a highly illegal nature. I punched in the numbers, but it buzzed because I got it incorrect. It seemed so loud against the stark silence. I looked to my right and left to see if I had any company. I began to panic slightly as I felt beads of sweat gather on my forehead.

I tried again, and to my pleasure, it opened.  _Remain calm_ , I told myself. I fumbled through his draws, attempting to find anything that resembled a will. A file, a classified document, an envelope, anything. I walked around the wooden floors, checking in-between every single fucking book on his bookcase, behind picture frames, and in-between every single one of his files in his drawer. I was in there for an hour and a half at least.

I had scoured the entire room. I  _needed_  to find that godforsaken will. Just as I was about to give up and look elsewhere, I felt the wood underneath the thin rug change slightly in sound as my foot collided with it. I eased back on my other foot and stepped on it again.

Bingo.

I flung the rug off the ground and what I was greeted with was a small trap door with tiny hinges on either side and a tiny gap in the wood where you could stick something small in and open it.

I got a pen from Mr Lee's desk and slid it down the side, and tilted it up. In the small, box-like gap were a few old and faded pictures, memorabilia that had no specific significance to me, like an old toy car and a rusted lighter, and a single envelope. I picked it up carefully within my fingers as if I had just discovered gold.

 _TO BE OPENED IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH -_ was printed on the front with a typewriter.

Due to the secret location of his will, and his relatively young age - he was not even yet 50 years old... nobody would even know that it existed. And even if they did - they had no evidence against me.

I tore the envelope open slightly as if I was about to eat a chocolate bar. I ran my thumb along the flap, tearing it away from the glue. I pulled it out. I read through everything from the top. Leave this to this person, leave my car to this person, whatever. Boring shit. His entire estate was left to Taeyong and Mr Lee's wife, of course... he had left me 80 million won. Cheap bastard.* There was nothing on the first page of interest to me, so I placed it on the floor carefully.

The other page, at the very bottom, after every other affair was settled, read the following:

_My son, Lee Taeyong, is to be the sole successor of my enterprise and all associated business._

By business, he meant the entire mafia. There was a date written in the corner. It read 2014. He must have written this before Taeyong had his... _monumental lapse of reason_.

I tucked the envelope into my jacket pocket along with my gun. Nobody had to know that it existed. I was the one who was meant to be next in line. I was the one who truly cared about him. Taeyong hated his father with a burning desire. I could see the sadness in his eyes when he looked at him. Whenever he was with him, all he wanted to do was escape, judging by the lack of eye contact he made with anyone in mafia-related social situations and events. I cared about him not as an uncle, but a father.

I was going to be the one. I was next in line. I wasn't just his personal assistant, I was the one who was closest to him. I was the one who went with him everywhere. I was the one that would take a bullet for him if I had to. Taeyong was an enemy of the mafia. At that moment, I made it my duty to avenge Mr Lee and bring Lee Taeyong to his fucking knees, and have him killed. To have him locked up for the rest of his life would be torturous indeed... but that would mean that id still has to look at his disgusting face.

Before I closed the hatch, my eyes landed upon a picture. It was Taeyong and I when we were in the third grade when we used to live in Busan. His arm was slung around me, and we were smiling and squinting in the sun. We were holding ice creams that were melting down our hands in the scorching summer on the coast, at the beach. I took the photo and scrunched it up in my hands.

Those days were over. It was a shame he turned out to be a murderer. I closed the door and flicked the rug back over with my foot. I made sure everything was exactly how I left it. I took my gloves off so I didn't look suspicious. I retrieved my cell phone out of my pocket and called one of my underlings. I pressed his contact on my screen and held the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Doyoung? We've got a situation. Code Red."

"What happened?"

"Mr Lee is dead."

"What the f- do you know killed him?"

"His own son.  _Lee Taeyong_."

"How do you know?" He said in a stressed tone.

"I'll explain when I see you. This case has been a secret for a while, for reasons you will discover. Meet me at the penthouse tomorrow at 12 am sharp. Don't be late. In the meantime, get the swat team and the cleaners to deal with the mess on level 14. Spread the word."

"Yes Hyung."

"It's Sajang to you now."

 _((Authors note:_ 사장 _or sajang (romanised) means president or CEO.))_

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

When I woke up I was hugging Taeyong from behind, and his back was against my body. I rolled over and checked the time on the clock, it was already mid-afternoon.I shook Taeyong's shoulder gently, and he rolled over and parted his eyes slightly.

"It's 3 pm."

"Fuck." Taeyong groaned and got up, and looked out the window. He limped over to the curtains and snapped them shut on both sides of the room, and locked the door. "That was way too irresponsible."

"I know."

Taeyong sat on the side of the bed and ran his hand up my leg.

"You stayed."

"Of course."

"Thank you." He whispered. I sat up and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. As he leaned down slightly to return the kiss, he groaned into me and held his back.

"Jesus Christ..."

"Oh, sorry about that."

I laughed slightly. I fucked him way too hard.

"Baby... how about a bath?" Taeyong suggested. 

"Yeah... I smell so fucking bad."

"No offence Jae you smell like you haven't showered for three days."

"That's because I haven't, idiot."

Taeyong grabbed my arm and pulled me up. I had a pounding headache and was slightly hungover.

He dragged me into the bathroom and Taeyong ran a hot bath. The bath was huge, evidently made for couples. The faucet spluttered slightly and ran brown water. Taeyong looked at me and scowled before it ran clear again. We both hopped in and Taeyong put a plug in the drain. He rested his head back and let out a sigh.

"Tae? I don't mean to ruin the moment, but what the fuck are we going to do now?"

Taeyong sat up and clutched his knees to his chest.

"I haven't really thought about it, but we have to get out of the country." Taeyong gulped nervously and shifted uncomfortably. 

"What? Out of the country?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't want to get shot. And I don't want you to get shot either." he said in a serious tone. 

"But won't people find us? Isn't that practically suicide?"

"If we stay here, yes. It's inevitable. But if we leave, no."

"I don't even have my passport. I cant leave the country... that's just... impossible."

"You won't need your passport. Using your real passport is suicide as you said. We'll get new ones."

"And how do you suggest we do that when we're wanted fugitives?"

"I have connections. You're forgetting that I've been running from at least something my entire life."

"I don't see what you're getting at, Tae."

"I've always had fake identification papers. My father was wanted overseas because he had blood on his hands for obvious reasons... he travelled under a false name."

"So you're asking us to get fake passports, adopt a fake identity and leave the country?"

"That's... that's exactly what I'm asking."

"I cant leave the country." I blurted and furrowed my eyebrows in concern. 

"Why not?"

"My father... school... my entire life?"

"Your drunk father and Seoul Grammar?"

"He's not a drunk anymore."

"I think you and I both know its only a matter of time, Jaehyun."

I shook my head and looked to the side, not wanting to look at him. Perhaps because he was speaking the truth... I didn't want to hear it. 

"You know that he's going to come home drunk again, and you're going to be in the same position as you were when I first met you. He fucking threw a vase at your head jaehyun!"

"You don't have to remind me," I said with clenched teeth.

"So you don't want to leave because of your drunken father who fucked you in the ass. Your drunken father who made you sleep in a park. Your drunken father who ruined you."

"He's changing. He apologised."

"He's been like that for how long, Jaehyun? 9 years? Old habits die hard."

I ran my hands through my hair. I was being placed under an immense amount of pressure...

"Your drunken father who pinned your down and breathed down your neck... and you closed your eyes and just wished he would go away. Now he can go away Jaehyun. We can get away." he added with an intense gaze. 

"I... I..."

"He doesn't deserve you. I think the answer is obvious... Jaehyun... please come with me... we can start a new life... we can dance around the kitchen and listen to Frank Sinatra... I can make you eggs and bacon every morning... we can smoke cigarettes and get jobs and drink expensive coffee..."

"I just don't want to do something I'm going to regret... and something that is going to get us in more trouble."

"If we stay here, there is a good chance we will be dead within... a few days, maybe even a week at most. Then, when an automatic gun is pointed at you, spraying your body with bullets, you'll think differently. But it'll be too late. And at that instance, before you take your last breath, that's when you'll regret it."

I paused for a moment, taking in everything that he just said. He knew the nature of the mafia better than me... I trusted him enough.

"We're upwardsbound... We cant stay here... we just can't."

"I know. I fucking know." He was right... I felt slightly defeated. But I had to adjust... I had to adapt. 

"Trust me. Please trust me. I can see it in your eyes, you're angry, and I'm so sorry."

"Will everything be okay if we leave?"

"We will be hard to trace. And therefore, we should be okay."

"I trust you Taeyong."

"I'm so glad, baby."

Taeyong came over to my side of the tub and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around him and pulled his narrow shoulders closer to me. We let the steam kiss our faces, fogging up the room and created condensation on the stained walls and on the swollen, slightly hanging ceiling.

"What you did... what you did wasn't because you're evil. Its because you're a villain of circumstance... you didn't have a choice... it's  _him_  that was evil. It's him that was going to make you shoot me... it's him that asked for this. To be honest... it's all his own fucking fault when you think about it."

"I didn't think of it that way, but I guess you're right. I'm a monster, but... not evil."

"You're not a monster... you didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this."

"It doesn't change the fact that I shot him."

"Once again... it was me or him."

"You're right... it was you, or him." Taeyong repeated, assuring himself. 

Our fleeting sense of contentedness was interrupted by a knock at the door. Taeyong's eyes widened and he scrambled out of the bathtub. He wrapped a towel around his waist and I heard him pick the gun up off the table. I froze in place. 

"Housekeeping!"

"C-can you please come back in about an hour?"

"Sure," a kind female voice said. 

He sighed in relief and I heard him place the gun down. Both of our guards were so high... he walked back into the bathroom and slid back down into the tub.

"This might seem a little... theatrical, but we have to change our appearances."

"You're not going to get me to shave my head, are you?"

"No... we just have to dye it. And get new clothes. And burn everything."

"That's the easy part, I guess." I snickered. 

"Exactly baby. Let's go out and get some food. You look hungry. We will get some hair dye, and ill find a pay phone and try and find Johnny's number."

"Who's Johnny?"

"Our new best friend." 


	29. LIMITLESS

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

I drove the car up to a decrepit and grey looking mall. The black sports car with black tinted windows looked awfully inappropriate in that town. We both got out of the car and Jaehyun flashed me a worried look. I was still wearing my suit because it was the only clothes that I had. People in these parts probably didn't even own a suit. 

"Keep your head down Jaehyun. We can never be too careful. Turn your back on surveillance cameras at all costs." I told him, as we approached the centre, speaking under my breath. 

"Good idea."

"Remember, we just need hair dye, new clothes, we have to pay in cash as well."

"Do you have enough?"

"Yes. But we have to watch our spending."

Jaehyun nodded as the automatic doors rolled open, and we entered. We instantly attracted attention to ourselves. Jaehyun's clothes were filthy and had brown blood stains on them.

I spotted a supermarket and I directed his shoulder into it. We both walked in with our heads down, virtually to our chest, avoiding all eye contact with everyone.

"You should bleach your hair."

"Find the bleach and let's get the fuck out of here. This place is giving me the creeps."

The isles were awfully silent, all you could hear was the humming of the refrigerators housing frozen food lining the store. I grabbed 2 cartons of hair bleach and a blonde hair dye. My eyes landed on a red hair dye. Sometimes you had to stand out to be hidden in plain sight.

"This'll do. Let's go."

I placed the items down on the counter and the cashier scanned them. I fumbled through my pockets for money nervously and slapped it down on the counter. Before she could even give me the items in a bag, I grabbed them. I didn't take the receipt.

"Keep the change."

Jaehyun and I paced out of the store.

"Now just clothes..." I said, barely above a whisper.

"What should we wear?"

"Anything you wouldn't wear normally. There is a thrift shop over in the corner."

We both walked in and split up upon entry. I grabbed a denim jacket and a pair of old, black trousers. I fumbled through the old pinstripe shirts and picked one that looked relatively new, without any holes in it. It was rather distasteful but it was white and blue - two of my favourite colours. I took them over to jaehyun, who was having trouble picking out something.

"How about this leather jacket?"

"That's so not me."

"What did I say? That's the point."

I strolled around the store and found him a plain white t-shirt, and a pair of blue jeans. I shoved them into his hands.

"I'm going to look like a fucking biker!"

"Good."

"Shouldn't we try them on?"

"Not necessary. Wait outside. I'll pay."

Jaehyun nodded and went to stand outside the store.

I went to the counter and flopped the clothes onto it. An older looking man with thick stubble and dirty, yellow tinted glasses and a horrible combover emerged from the back and greeted me with a sleazy smile.

"Hello."

"Hi."

"What's a handsome guy like you doing in a store like this?" He said as he scanned the items.

"I'm getting costumes for a play," I mumbled. It was the only thing that came to mind.

"There isn't even a theatre around here. Do you go to the high school around the corner?"

"Yes."

"My daughter goes there you might know here. Her name is Wei-Ren."

my soul left my body. 

"w-what, sorry?" i felt all colour drain from my face. 

"her name is Mary V. Are you alright, kid? you look like you've seen a ghost." 

"No, I don't know her, sorry."

Why the fuck was he being so inquisitive? I looked out of the store as an escape from the awkward situation.

"Here you go." He placed the items in a large plastic bag and handed them to me. "That'll be 80 000 won."

"80 000? You're kidding me."

"It goes to charity, cheapskate." He smiled smugly and rested his shoulder on the counter. 

I slapped the money down on the counter and paced out rather rudely. He knew he could rip me off, so he did. bastard. No wonder why he lives in a town like that. I joined Jaehyun outside the store. 

"Let's get the fuck out of here. Now I just need to find a payphone."

Jaehyun and I left the mall as quickly as possible. I looked to my right and near the end of the mall front, there was a phone. Someone was using it. We walked over and waited in line. It was a girl who was wearing all black, tight clothes. She was taking forever. I tapped my foot and made myself visible. Jaehyun pulled me back and widened his eyes and shook his head.

"This is ridiculous," I said.

I opened the door to the booth and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and scowled at me.

"Wait your turn, I'm busy mister."

"It's a public telephone. Other people have to use it, you know."

"Go fuck yourself." She spat and rolled her eyes, and turned around with the intention of continuing her conversation. 

I snatched the phone out of her hand and placed it down on the hook. She looked up at me and laughed. Her eyes scanned me up and down, and she chewed on her gum with her mouth wide open.

"You're handsome... want me to blow you for 30 000 won?" she blew a bubble and it popped in my face. 

"No... get out of here."

"Alright then mister. To be honest, I'd fuck you for free."

She took the gum around her finger and swirled it around.

"You know where to find me if you need me," she added and winked and slid past me in the tight space. I watched her black, shiny boots carry her away, her thin legs were bruised and were covered with torn fishnet stockings. Oh, what a dismal fucking town... she didn't even look 16...

I picked up the phone book and flipped through it. Jaehyun joined me in the booth and closed the door.

"Hey... what the fuck was that all about?"

"She's a hooker. Just drop it."

"Alright... How can you find Johnny's number?"

"His father owns a printing press. He works for him. He has access to the machines that make pretty good fucking copies. Government official fonts as well."

I ran my finger down the pages of all the printing companies. My finger landed on one. I had found it almost too easily.

"Seo Industrial Printing, PTY LTD. This has to be it."

I slipped a few coins into the phone and dialled his number. After a few rings, he picked up.

"Hello? Is this Johnny Seo?"   
  
"That's me. How may I help you?"

"It's... It's Lee Taeyong." I wondered if I should have used another name, but he wouldn't have recognised me otherwise. 

"What the fuck... how are you doing man? I haven't heard from you in what; three years?"

"Yeah, it's been a while. I cant talk now, but can you make me two passports if I come down to Busan and pick them up?"

"Sure bro. I'll even give you a discount."

"I'll be there tomorrow or the day after. The names are... Han Yoon-oh and Nam... Sangwoo." I picked the most random names that arrived in my mind, of people from my past who's faces I could not even remember. Jaehyun snickered behind me. I flicked my hand against his stomach and couldn't help but smile.

"Alright, are you okay? Oh, don't forget to say hello to your fath-"

"Yes. Everything's great. I'll see you soon."

I put the phone down before he could say anything else. I had to explain to him what we did when I got there, but I couldn't do such things on a damn public telephone. It was even a risk calling and asking for passports. As the sun was setting, an idea crossed my mind.

"Jae. We have to get rid of the car."

"And how do you propose we dispose of a Lamborghini?"

"We drive it to a farm or a field. Then we burn it."

"And how do you propose we get to Busan?"

"I can try and Hotwire it? I've never done it before but it might-."

"What?" Jaehyun shook his head quickly in disbelief.

"What?"

"We already... we've already just done something highly illegal! What the hell are you thinking!?"

"Keep your voice down." I looked around me and grabbed Jaehyun's arm and walked him back to the car. We sat inside. I looked at him, and his body was facing mine with wide eyes.

"The possibilities are limitless now. We have to commit more crimes to prevent ourselves from being convicted of a crime. Does that make sense?"

"No! We could give ourselves away by doing something stupid!"

"No, Jaehyun. Listen to me. Buying a car would be suicide, registering it would be suicide, not to mention we don't have the money so I'd have to use my credit card which is completely out of the question because it can be traced. We may as well just hand ourselves in and put a bullet in the barrel."

"Jesus Christ, this is intense."

"Trust me Jaehyun. I learnt from my father."

I pushed the keys into the ignition and started to the car. I let it warm up on the bitter afternoon. The sun was shining weakly through the clouds, painting everything a faint colour of yellow, making everything look like the spawn of a washed out watercolour painting. I got my cigarettes out of my pocket and placed one in Jaehyun's lips, and one in my own. I lit his, then mine. I rolled our windows down, I began to drive us back to the motel. While my eyes were on the road, I felt Jaehyun's hand rest softly my thigh. With one hand on the wheel, I grabbed his hand and held it.

Its like we were a couple, going for a drive to the country, about to have a picnic in an open field. We would enjoy drinking lemonade and Jaehyun would rest his head in my lap and we would read our favourite poems out to each other. I would hold my hand on his warm cheek, and our faces would be blushed a pink colour. We would be slightly sunburnt, and Jaehyun's freckles would be even more evident. We would play chase and we would hide in wheat fields and retreat to the forest for a walk... how sweet it could be.

I pulled into the hotel once again. It was time to dye our hair and put on our new clothes and adopt our new persona's.

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

At exactly 12 am, the doors to the penthouse opened, and in walked Doyoung. He greeted me with a bow. A generous helping of Soju was making my head slightly dizzy.

"Greetings Hyung- I mean, Sajang."

"Hello, Doyoung. Thanks for meeting me here at such an obscure hour. But we need to conduct our business in secret." I said while finishing the liquor out of my glass.

"Why's that, Sir?"

"Take a seat and find out." I held my hand out to the seat opposite me.

Doyoung sat down apprehensively without taking his eyes off me for a moment.

"If you tell anyone about this..." I took my gun out of my jacket and placed it on the table before us. I need not say any more. Doyoung gulped.

"Not a soul." He held his hand over his heart.

"I trust you, Doyoung. Anyways, listen carefully and pay attention. Lee Taeyong was instructed by his father to charm, date, and subsequently, marry a woman by the name of Myong Wei-Ren." I interlinked my fingers over my knees.

"Myong... that name seems familiar."

"Ah, correct, Doyoung. Myong Industries... does that ring a bell?"

"Yes, of course. One of our rivals."

"Mr Myong is virtually on his deathbed, riddled with cancer in his brain. He hasn't got long at all. Wei Ren is the sole kin of Mr Myong, and therefore, by code and law, all of his property and his entire enterprise is left to her."

"But she's a woman. That's unheard of."

"Exactly.  _That's_  why his money would be safer and better off in our pockets.  _That's_  why his business would be utilised to its full potential if we had control of it. Women are easy to manipulate if you make them feel special. Taeyong could do that with his eyes shut... We needed Wei-Ren to share her estate with him. The simplest way of doing that is through marriage, of course. Then, Taeyong would kill Wei-Ren and all of the money would come to us."

"Sounds like a wonderful plan."

"A wonderful plan for someone who is straight." I scoffed and snickered.

"Taeyong is...  _gay_?"

"As gay as they come. He shot his father instead of his lover."

"Jesus Christ Jackson... what the fuck are we meant to do now?"

"We kill Taeyong."

"Don't you think that's a bit rash?"   
  
"Tell that to Mr Lee." I snapped and narrowed my eyes at him. 

"I suppose you're right."

"I have assigned us the task of killing both Taeyong and Jaehyun. We have to find them. They could be anywhere... anywhere in South Korea by now."

"Why don't we let the SWAT team and our investigators find them?"

"That would draw attention to ourselves. They're clumsy and careless. They travel in packs like locusts. Our enemies could see that we have been weakened significantly and boycott us, you fool."

"My apologies, Sajang..."

"Our people can know about Mr Lee's death, and even that Taeyong killed him. They must not know anything about our investigation. Am I being clear?"

"Crystal, sir."

"Good."   
  
"So, where do we find them? Where do we start?"

"They took a black Lambourgini. That was the only property I found missing. They also took Mr Lee's gun, that goes without saying. Their fingerprints are everywhere, I have to powder the room they were in, and I just have to find matches on the police system, which I trust you will know how to hack."

"They have a basic security system. It's almost comical. Only about three layers to get through, a monkey could do it. I could even recode-"

"Save the nerd talk for later. So, we have to get their fingerprints, and find that damn car and the number plate."

"How do we find the car?"

"Security cameras... ill need you to hack the city's CCTV system. Try the council then the government."

"And the number plate?" 

"We have it on record, of course." 

"But how do we know where they went?"

"Run a scan."

"And if we lose them?..."   
  
" _We find them_." 


	30. POLTERGEIST

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I hopped out of the shower and ran a towel over my hair. I took a deep breath and turned around and faced myself in the mirror.

"Jesus Christ," I mumbled. I brought my face closer to my reflection, and what I saw was something I thought I would never get used to. In pursuit of changing my appearance as much as possible, I had just bleached my hair and dyed it blonde.

"Jaehyun? What's taking so long?" Taeyong yelled from the main room.

"I look... I look... horrible!" I said in horror.

"Shut up. I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Please don't break up with me."

"Come out, you ass!" Taeyong said with a snicker.

I shook my head at my reflection, unable to connect with the person who was staring back at me. I eased out of the bathroom slowly. I was so embarrassed. Taeyong got up from his place on the bed and walked over to me. He didn't say anything as he ran his hand through my hair, pushing it back off my face and styling it slightly.

"Sexy."

"Don't call me that."

"You're so hot, baby."

"That's not any better."

"I love it. It looks great. You look nothing like Jaehyun."

"I guess that's what I want to hear." I smiled softly. "Now it's your turn."

"N-no! Not yet! It's probably gonna look terrible!"

"Tae it's just me! You hypocrite!" My hands travelled up to the towel that was wrapped around his head. He dodged my hands and jumped on the bed playfully. I chased him, trying to trap him in the corner, but he slipped right past me. I lunged forward and grabbed his wrist, and pulled him close to me, pulling his waist in and resting my head on his shoulder. I felt his behind pressed up against me.

"Noooooo Jae...." He said with a defeated laugh.

I walked him into the bathroom and we looked at ourselves in the mirror. I slowly took the towel away from his head, and Taeyong looked up.

"That's unfair." Was all I could say. I gawked at him shamelessly in silence, unable to shift my eyes away from him.

"I look like a cherry."

"You look beautiful."

"Thanks, Jae."

We stood there staring at ourselves. Taeyong was standing in front of me, and my arms were around his waist. His hands veiny were around my forearms. It was the first time I had seen us together. We truly complimented each other perfectly. His sharp features were balanced out by my round nose and face. His intense eyes were softened by my kind ones and my less prominent brow bone. In many ways, our faces were almost completely opposite. The only similarities that we had were that we were both Korean. I have a downturned nose, and Taeyong's one is slightly upturned at the centre. My ears are small, and his curl out ever so slightly. His lips are perky but relatively thin, whereas mine are quite plump. But everything about us, everything about the people staring back at us, even with our new hair colours, seemed to fit perfectly. Its like we always, somehow, destined, predisposed, to find each other in the course of our lives.

What would have happened if I didn't see him on the train that day? What would have happened if he didn't ask me for directions to the office at school? What would have happened if we didn't get paired for the assignment? Would the forces of nature and physics still have pulled us together, like how atoms of oxygen cling together to make ozone?

"I wish I could take a photo of this moment," Taeyong said, almost taking the words right out of my mouth.

"We can. In our heads. Don't move."

I lifted my hands up and made my hands into a square.

"See?"

Taeyong giggled and turned around, and tilted his head up, begging for a kiss. I cupped his cheek and obeyed his body. I sucked on his upper lip gently and ran my the tip of my tongue over his lips. I had forgotten what it was like to kiss him for the sake of kissing him... I wasn't kissing him out of fear, or sadness, or need... I was kissing my boyfriend because I loved him; no more, no less. It felt pure, authentic and simple. Taeyong threw his arms around my neck and lifted his leg up and ran his inner thigh over my body, signalling for me to pick him up. Against my wishes, I tore away, but couldn't help but lean in and connect our lips a final time. I was fine with him being a liar. I was fine with him being a killer. I was fine with him being suicidal. That shit didn't bother me. I know he learnt some fucked up habits from his father. But what really mattered, is that he showed me himself... himself... the true Lee Taeyong - the idea of him, the abstract construction, my perception of him, all rolled into one.

"We really have to get moving."

"You're right I guess..."

"Don't look so disappointed."

"Excuse me for getting turned on from kissing my boyfriend." Taeyong threw his arms up in the air in surrender and smiled complacently.

I could have fucked him right there and then. I wanted to let my body consume his. I wanted to feel his hard dick against me, I wanted to feel the shape of his body enmeshed with my own. I wanted to feel every intricacy of his muscles and bones with my hands. But I had to be pragmatic and focus on the task at hand. We were on the run. Therefore, we had to keep running.

Taeyong and I gathered all of our limited belongings and didn't even bother to clean up the smashed bottle of vodka that was lying on the carpet.

Taeyong and I handed the key back to the receptionist who was snoring obnoxiously at her post. We both hopped in the car and headed further south for Busan. We stopped for fuel on the way and leant on the bonnet of the car and watched the sun descends behind the horizon. On our way, driving on the open road in the darkness, the only source of light the occasional passing car and our own headlights, Taeyong swerved into a farm paddock. I clutched on the side of the car at the sudden change in velocity and looked at him with wide eyes.

"I know what you're thinking. Why here?"

"It has crossed my mind, yes," I muttered with an overly concerned tone.

"You see that truck over there?" Taeyong pointed with his head.

"Oh my god..."

Taeyong drove through the paddock, as far away from the farmhouse as possible. The car jolted slightly on the rough terrain. All the lights were off inside. He drove around a body of trees, concealing the car from the outside world. He got out of the car, and I remained inside of it, slightly fearful of what was going to happen. Taeyong opened the trunk and got out a red spare fuel tank. Upon seeing this, I leapt out. The night was bitter and windless. A thick fog covered the landscape, obscuring our vision. We could only see about 50 metres in front of us. Beyond that, the world could have dropped off into oblivion, and we would have had no idea - there was no evidence proving otherwise.

Taeyong opened the fuel tank and poured a potent smelling gas all over the car. It shone in the moonlight as it trickled over the smooth surface.

"Do you have your wallet?" He asked me.

"Yeah, why?"

"Take out any money and throw it in the car. Leave our clothes in there as well."

I nodded and took out the small amount of money that remained, and nonchalantly threw my wallet onto the front seat through the open window. Taeyong mirrored me, completely discarding his credit card and drivers licence - all evidence proving that he was who he was.

I was no longer Jung Jaehyun. My mind skipped back to memories of my father. I truly hoped that he was okay and that id be able to somehow contact him. I hope that he wasn't worried about me. I hope that he didn't report me missing to the police. I hoped that he was sober and healthy. I hoped that despite my disappearance, that he knew I was alive and okay. I couldn't be nostalgic. I couldn't look back... because there was no going back. ever.

I clutched my hands around my arms and shivered. I breathed out my warm breath into the night air. Taeyong poured the rest of the gas inside the car, onto the front seats. He paced over to me and stood by my side.

"So this is it." He said. I didn't really know what he meant. Therefore, I did not retort. Perhaps he meant that this is it, this is the final remnants and epithets of our past lives, the evil world that did us so wrong, the evil, contorted, twisted world, that pushed us to our limits and tested our morals...

He placed a cigarette between his lips and held his lighter to the end of it. He breathed in heavily and closed his eyes as he let the nicotine infiltrate his lungs. Smoke lingered on his lips for a moment, before he blew out the smoke in a smooth cloud.

"Do I dare disturb the universe?"

Taeyong whispered while looking straight ahead of him into the ether.

"T.S Eliot?"

"Of course... who else?"

"Our Eliot assignment is due next week." I snickered.

"It's funny... how so much can change... from the simple pull of a trigger..."

"I know." I comforted him as he was lamenting.

"I wonder what Lucas and Ten and Mark are doing... I wonder if they care that we're gone."

"I'm sure they do... come on, don't be even more morbid."

"This is it, Jaehyun... this is it. We're like poltergeists."

I crossed my arms and looked at my feet. Taeyong took one last exhale from his cigarette and flicked it onto the car.

Orange flames licked the surface of the car, igniting the paint, and danced in the air. Then in a flash, a deep blue flame erupted as the rest of the car ignited. Taeyong sheltered his eyes from the light, and we stepped back slightly. I could feel the heat emanating from it even from a considerable distance.

"Let's go get that truck." He smiled mischievously. He threw an arm around my shoulder as we walked over to the farmhouse with the stars as our only company.

**_JACKSON'S POV_ **

"Doyoung, give it to me straight." I blurted as I stormed into the office after a long day. I had just come back from Mr Lee's private funeral.

It was rather small considering who he was. But of course, his death had to be kept secret. I ordered Doyoung not to come. What a better time to do covert work than during his former boss's funeral, where the attention was everywhere but on him? Mr Lee's funeral was awfully pretentious. I spoke to Wei Ren about Taeyong, and that he had gone missing. She said that she was concerned and that she didn't believe me- "He wouldn't do that"- I quote directly. I handed her my card with my number on it because I knew that she would want to find out more about him eventually, once worry drove her mad.

"I can run the scan if you found the number plate. I hacked the council's CCTV system like you asked."

"I've got the plate. And the fingerprints."

"Wonderful. Send me the files."

I sat down at the computer monitor beside Doyoung in my newly appointed office. I punched in my password and opened the files and sent them to Doyoung's email. He was working away, typing at a rapid speed without even looking at the keyboard.

"I'm scanning for the plate now," Doyoung mumbled under his breath in deep concentration. "Gotcha." He added and narrowed his eyes.

He turned his monitor to face me.

"The car was last spotted on the freeway at 2:34 am." He pointed at the date and time in the corner of the footage.

"That's the plate... and the car. My god. You'd think the idiot would cover it."

"It obviously didn't cross his stupid mind."

"So we have a rough idea of which direction they were heading."

"If I were them, I would have stopped at a town nearby there. if we rely on the presumption that the tank was full, and Mr Lee was shot at around say... 10:30 pm, judging by the autopsy, they must have stopped there. If we do a little bit of research... a Lamborghini of that exact model, a 'Lambourgini Aventador' has a fuel tank capacity of 90 litres." Doyoung said as he typed the model and the tank capacity into the search engine. "The tank would last about 5 hours according to my calculations. It coincides with the time that they were last seen near the town. They're there, Sir. And, his credit card has not been used, so we can rely on the fact that they did not fill up the tank. Also, all cameras henceforth do not show the car travelling beyond that point on that night." He said as he sped through more footage.

"Excellent work."

"It's nothing."

"And about the fingerprints... we have to go to the town and find some kind of evidence that they were there... what do you think?" I asked.

"They must have stayed somewhere."

"They could have slept in the car or stayed in a motel. Or not slept at all. But, we have a lead, and we shouldn't ignore it by getting ahead of ourselves."

"Exactly. We can't miss anything. They must be just outside of Suwon."

"Let's leave tomorrow. First thing. Take some laptops and whatever we need to continue our investigation. We will take a van."

"Ill organise everything." Doyoung nodded and took down some details.

"Don't forget to scan the fingerprints on the police system to see if they match. We don't want to be chasing someone who isn't them." I stroked the thick stubble on my chin and thought for a moment.

"Of course, sir." Doyoung chirped. We sat in silence for a moment.

"Wei Ren..."

"Pardon?"

"Wei Ren doesn't know... she doesn't know that Taeyong killed Mr Lee."

"Should she be aware of that?" Doyoung inquired inquisitively.

"No, because she would be completely terrified of him and therefore we would lose the link to Mr Myong and his fortune. It's pretty clear that she loves him, and would do almost anything for him. We have to find a way to keep her close to us and keep her on our side at all costs. She's valuable to us. Almost too valuable."

"I agree. But how do we do that?"

Suddenly, it dawned on me.

"We have to pull her leg. She's the one that has to do the dirty work because we can't. It'll look less suspicious as well. I believe Taeyong trusts Wei Ren to a certain extent. She doesn't come across as malicious or evil. She's a bitch, I'm not denying that, but she's not evil. If we can somehow find Taeyong, get her to come in contact with him, perhaps we don't even have to kill Taeyong if she earns his trust, and then we capture him and enforce an ultimatum."

"Which is?"

"Marry her and you get to live."

"What about Jaehyun?"

" _He has to die._  There's no doubt about that." I emphasised that fact.

"Right. So we keep the investigation a secret, and just say that we are looking for Taeyong who ran away after hearing about his father's death. She can't even know about Jaehyun."

"That sounds believable. And no, she can't."

"We should tell Wei Ren that we think that she will be able to 'calm him down' and 'help him grieve.' That'll get her emotionally involved in this. When we discover their location and when the time is right, we intercept and capture them both, somehow."

"Correct. We have one hell of a job to do. I need a drink." I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.


	31. CRIMINALS

Taeyong and i made our way to the farmhouse. There was a truck parked out the front. Tt was a light blue colour, and it was very rusty, and had a huge dent in the back right hand door. The paint was peeling off, and it looked like some of its parts had been replaced with incompatible spares. I had no idea why Taeyong was so intent on stealing this particular car, so I asked him.

"Why are we taking this piece of shit?" I signalled to it. 

"That's exactly the reason. It's a piece of shit. Do you really think that they lock the doors?"

Taeyong and I hid behind the car out of view from the house. No lights turned on, and there were no signs of life anywhere. Taeyong lifted his hand up slowly to the handle and tried to open it. It was locked. The metal creaked slightly, emanating a metallic screeching noise. 

" _Shit_ ," I whispered.

He reached up further and popped the lock near the window. He opening it again, and the door swung wide open.

"Let's get in. I'll drive."

"And how do you presume we start this damn car?"

"My father taught me how to hotwire. It's been a while so I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it, but it seems easy enough."

"What  _didn't_  your father tell you?"

"That he loved me."

The light-hearted joke had suddenly taken a dramatic turn. 

Taeyong said as he pulled away from the piece of plastic that was covering the wires under the steering wheel. It came off in a ruckus. Taeyong squeezed his eyes shut, somehow wishing for the sound to fade, seriously regretting not being more careful. He placed the plastic on the back seat and moved his chair back so he could get better access to the wires.

"I cant see shit," he whispered as he fumbled through the wires.

Eventually, he held two red wires in between his fingers. He sliced the old, crumbling wire open with his fingernails. He leaned further down and obtained another brown wire in his fingers. He stripped the coating off that one as well. It virtually melted in his fingers, and it fell on the stained carpet below. 

He proceeded to touch the brown wire on the red wire. The car started slightly, but the engine did not turn on. It seemed incredibly loud against the dead of night. Taeyong looked up at me with wide eyes.

Suddenly, a light on the front porch flicked on.

"Hey! what the fuck do you think you're doing!?" an angry man in his pyjamas and robe vexed as he was standing in the doorway. He went back inside momentarily, and when he appeared in the doorway again, he had a gun. Taeyong kept holding the brown wire to the red ones with shaky fingers. He was pressing them together, getting them in contact as much as possible. The man paced over to us and reached into his robe pocket, and retrieved what appeared to be a bullet cartridge.

"TAE..."

He slid the bullet into the gun and loaded it. He held the wooden shotgun up to his shoulder, and closed one eye, focusing on his target. I ducked my head and held it in my arms. A bullet landed in the side of the car. I was worried that it may have hit Taeyong. The man moved closer, and Taeyong looked up in a panic.

"Come on you bastard!" Taeyong said through clenched teeth. The man loaded another bullet into his gun. To our pleasure, the car started labouriously. It spat out fuel and jolted slightly, albeit, it breathed into life. Taeyong shifted the car into reverse and slammed his foot on the accelerator. He placed his arm on the back of my seat and turned his head to look at where he was going. 

"YOU DIRTY THUGS!" the man ran after the speeding car, shaking his fist into the air, nearly tripping over his slippers. Taeyong shifted the old, stubborn and stiff gear stick into drive, and he turned us around and drove out of the paddock. We joined the road like nothing had happened. we both looked at each other simultaneously and laughed. I turned around and saw the smoke drifting high up into the night sky from the burning car.

"You're fucking crazy you know that?" I said as I tried to contain my manic laughter.

"Tell me something I don't know, baby," Taeyong said as he raised one eyebrow.

"So where are we heading?"

"Busan. We're going to see a guy I know called Johnny. He's a few years older than us."

"Can we trust him, though?"

"Of course jaehyun. He makes fake passports as a side job and makes most of his income off that. He relies on criminals to live."

It made me feel uneasy that I was now part of that demographic.

 _Criminals_...

I clenched my hands in-between my thighs and I distracted myself by looking out the window. I couldn't see much, aside from my own faint reflection. I lifted my head up into the light and looked at my hair once more. Now that I was out of the bright, white bathroom light I thought that it looked slightly better. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. Taeyong's hair looked almost a little  _too_  good. The dark red colour made his skin look pale and emphasised his naturally pink lips. It definitely changed the entire composition of his countenance. It softened his features a bit and even made him look slightly more feminine.

I missed the old us. I missed when I wasn't sure about him. I missed when he would ask about my father, and I would try and avert the subject, but then I would tell him anyway. I missed when the thought of him was new. I missed how innocent we used to be - or how innocent we thought we were. I missed when he made me nervous. I'm not denying the fact that he no longer makes me nervous... maybe I miss when he used to  _terrify_  me; when I thought he was the mysterious, elusive enigma named Lee Taeyong. I thought back to the time where I had to go to the bathroom and jerk off because of him.

"When I met you... you made me so nervous."

"I can say the same thing."

"Why didn't you act like it?"

"I've spent a lifetime hiding my emotions."

"I jerked off to you in the school bathrooms."

Taeyong looked over to me in shock and smirked flirtatiously. It was almost as if he was used to hearing what I had just said. 

"Was that when you handed me your pacer?"

"Oh my god... I'm such an idiot. Can we just forget about that?" I felt a heat rise to my cheeks and I sheltered my blushing face from Taeyong.

"No baby. Never. You were so cute."

"I'm not cute!"

"Okay then, you were hot  _and_  cute. you've also made a big mistake baby."

"What did I do?" I said, slightly concerned.

"I want to kiss you, idiot..."

"Pull over," I demanded.

Taeyong swerved over on the side of the road, which was composed of compressed dirt and gravel.

He switched the headlights off.

"Let's sleep here tonight. I don't think I can drive for much longer."

"You sleep, ill drive? We don't have time to waste."

"Then why are you wasting time now?"

I grabbed Taeyong's arm and pulled him over to me. He followed my lead and straddled me in the small space.

I rested my hands on his thighs and looked down at his body.

"We're in a lot of trouble," I couldn't help but say. We were essentially homeless, in a stolen car in the middle of a highway in the dead of night.

"So much trouble," Taeyong whispered as he cupped my face with his hands, and titled it up to face his own.

"Do you think that anyone will come after us?"

"No... I hope not. Hopefully, they won't be able to find us. That's why we have to get out of here."

"Who's  _they_?" 

"The police. The Mafia. Jackson Wang." 

"Sometimes it doesn't feel real."

"I'm the fucking  _king_  of feeling like nothing is real."

 _"_ Have you been hallucinating in the past two days?"

"I thought the thrift shop assistant said that his daughter's name was Wei Ren and I freaked out. My mind was just playing tricks on me." Taeyong said as he smiled down at me fondly.

"As long as you realise that it's your mind playing tricks on you, and no more, and no less."

"Of course."

I grabbed Taeyong's waist and pulled him closer to my body. I didn't want to fuck. I didn't really want to do anything. I just wanted to sit there, and feel his body on top of mine, feel his comforting weight, to feel his breathing... to remind myself that I was still breathing, that I was still alive. That despite our cold and criminal plans, that we were still human. 

I rested my cheek against Taeyong's chest. He smelt faintly of musty thrift shop clothes and cheap deodorant.

"Where are we going, baby?" I whispered as he ran his hands along the back of my neck, playing with the hair at the bottom of my nape.

"Busan."

"I know. But after that."

"We can go wherever you want."

"Don't say that... don't say that." I shook my head and whispered into his chest.

"Why not?"

"Because we cant. We're trapped."

"Shhhh. No, we're not." Taeyong tilted my chin up and kissed me. I closed my eyes and let his soft lips engulf mine. I felt his cold fingertips along my cheeks, carefully caressing my skin as if he was touching porcelain, or handing fine china.

"I forgot..." I said as I tore away from his lips.

"What is it?"

"I forgot. I bought you a present."

"What?" Taeyong said with a small laugh.

"This sounds so lame now that I think about it. But I bought us rings. I completely forgot about them."  
  
"Jaehyun... that's so sweet."

"I had ' _j+t 127%_ ' engraved onto them."

Taeyong smiled at me slightly. I blushed like crazy and I felt my pulse quicken. Taeyong leaned back slightly and crossed his hand across his body, and covered his mouth with his hand. I saw tears glistening in his eyes, coating his pupils, making them shine like polished marbles.

"What's wrong?" I added.

He shook his head and smiled. "What did I do to deserve you? Why do you like me when you have every reason to hate my guts?"

"Because you're you. I can't help but hear you in songs, see your eyes in a still river. Why are you being like this now?"

"I don't know... I guess I'm just sad that I fucked it up."

"You didn't fuck it up. Your father did. Keep your head up baby." 

"It's getting harder. But I can't turn back time." Taeyong wiped his eyes and sniffled. 

"Hey... why do you like me?" I said, changing the subject, trying to avert his attention away from our predicament. 

"Because you're Jung Jaehyun. 180cm tall with brown hair and a freckle on your cheek. Kind and caring Jung Jaehyun. Nervous and cute... Yet daring and handsome." Taeyong giggled. 

"Exactly. You can't explain why you like me. You just do. So how do you expect me to do the same?" 

Taeyong moved his legs and flung them over to rest on the driver's seat. He was sitting in my lap and resting his back and head against the window. 

"I just find it weird that you like me without conditions. You always saw me as a person, it's like you saw me as the person I really was... It scared me how you could see through me, you could see through my cold gaze, you could see that I was there, somewhere... I knew you were special... Like we had a connection beyond words. I had to spend time with you whenever I could." 

"Good thing we were paired up for the assignment." 

"I would have found a way to be with you even if it wasn't for that damn assignment, I can assure you that." 


	32. REVENGE

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

As Jaehyun was driving, I fell into a deep sleep alongside the slight rocking and motion of the truck.

_"You did this, Taeyong. It's all your fault."_

_Those words sounded remarkably familiar..._ _I felt my pulse quicken. I thought I was alone. I was at the mafia headquarters, standing over my father's dead body._

_A body emerged from around the corner, and I was greeted by my father. He looked pristine, just like he had on any other day... when he was alive. I looked down, and then looked up at him again... it just didn't make any sense. He strolled over to me._ _He walked around my trembling body, looking at me up and down, and looking at his own corpse. I stepped back in fright, nearly tripping over his legs and slipping into his blood._

_"I thought I... I thought that" I stuttered like a nervous fool._

_"You thought that you shot me? You're wrong. I'll always be here."_

_"This doesn't make any sense." I tried to rationalise with him and the situation._

_"See for yourself." My father signalled down to the corpse and crossed his arms in satisfaction. Was there something that I was missing?_

_I looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. I knelt down on my knees and placed a hand on his shoulder. He was lying face down, so I flipped over his heavy and lifeless body to prove him wrong._

_All air escaped my lungs._

_It was Jaehyun._

_He had a gaping hole in the middle of his head, where I shot him. His pale skin looked even more ghostly as blood continued to drain out of him. I could see filaments of his skin flopping down onto his eyebrows. I could see his brain. Blood trickled into his open eyes and oozed out of his ears. It was Jaehyun... My fucking baby, Jaehyun, lying dead on the floor, staring up at me blankly. I heard my father laugh maliciously._

_"You did this, Taeyong. It's all your fault." He repeated. I looked down at my hand, and in it, I was clutching a gun. It dropped it, and it flailed out of my hands like it was laced with poison._

_I ran away from him and tried to open the door to escape. It wouldn't budge. I clashed my entire body weight against it. It would not move. I shook the door handle with my sweaty hands. This pathetic sight made my father laugh even louder._

_He grabbed the gun beside Jaehyun's body and ran his finger along the shaft. He walked over to me, shifting his weight from leg to leg. I pushed myself into the corner. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, imploring for help. Nobody came._

_He cocked the gun and rested it against my throat. I could feel the cold metal against my sweaty skin. I couldn't move. It was like he had somehow taken over me, and invisible limbs were pinning me down. I looked over at Jaehyun, and his head had turned to face me. I saw a single tear roll down his cheek._

_"Revenge... isn't it sweet?"  
_

_"Please - please father - I'm sorry-"_

_"I guess you'll be seeing each other in hell."_

_He pulled the trigger._

I shot up out of my seat, and flailed my arms to the side, clutching the door and Jaehyun's shirt. Jaehyun swerved the car in fright, nearly losing control of the wheel. I gasped for breath.

" _JESUS!_ " He tried to pull the car back on the road, but all he could do was slam the breaks. The car screeched and maneuvered and finally came to a halt. Jaehyun's face was contorted and filled with sheer worry. He looked at the road, and then looked over to me again, and he drove the car slowly to the side. He took the keys out of the ignition and switched on the overhead lights which illuminated the car with a faint yellow glow. My entire body was soaking with sweat.

"Another dream!?" He said with a slightly raised voice.

I could not reply. My mouth hung open like an idiot. I went to speak, but all that escaped my lips was a breath. Jaehyun turned his body to face me. I felt his hand rest on my thigh and he squeezed it gently.

In his reflection cast on the window, I could see a pink, fleshy hole in the back of his head.

"Ah.... AH!" I shrieked.

I whipped my body away from him and opened the door and practically fell out of the truck from a considerable height. I landed with a thud, and I heard Jaehyun get out of the car and slam his door.

"TAEYONG!"

I scuttled along the road and finally gained balance on my feet. I stumbled forward on my trembling, weak legs, and tried to run as far away from him as possible. I looked back, and jaehyun had started to break out into a jog.

"TAE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

I heard his pace quicken considerably. I ran out of the range of the light that the headlights of the truck cast. Over the hill, I saw a large truck approaching. A deep horn sounded, almost deafening me. I stopped in my place in shock, unable to react. It's like I was back in Seoul... running after Jaehyun as if my life depended on it, but now I was running away from him. I felt a hand pull me violently from the middle of the road. It was Jaehyun's unmistakable touch. He grabbed my body and jumped onto the dry grass beside the highway. I landed on my back, I could feel the hard, compressed ground against my protruding bones. The truck passed with another loud blare of its horn and faded into the distance. Jaehyun was clutching me tenaciously. I coughed in the middle the dust cloud that our bodies made on the dirt upon impact.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMN MIND!?" He yelled as he cupped my face in both of his hands. After this release of anger, his countenance softened once again. He let out a sigh and his worried eyes darted around my face, and my arms, evidently looking for signs of injury.

Jaehyun was lying beside me on his stomach. Beads of sweat were glistening on his forehead, and I could feel his shaky hands brush my hair off my wet face. I instantly grabbed the back of his head and felt for the wound that I saw before. There was nothing there - just his soft hair within my fingers, and the natural contours of his firm skull.

I broke out in tears and pulled his head to my chest.

"I thought I fucking killed you..." I choked.

"Tae, it was just a stupid dream!"

Jaehyun sat up and ran his hand down the side of my neck, and he gripped my collar, then my chest, touching me as much as possible as if he had just lost me.

"Are you hurt?" He asked as he grabbed both of my hands and pulled me up. I groaned slightly.

"No... I'm fine. Thank god. Are you okay?"

"I think I just had a heart attack, but ill be alright." He laughed in an attempt to lighten the emotional burden of the situation.

"127%?"   
  
"127%," Jaehyun said as he pulled me close to him and rested his hand on the back of my head, pressing my face into his chest. I closed my eyes and felt his warmth. Once again, he pulled away and held my face in both of his hands. I found my own hand travelling up to my face and I placed one on top of his. I turned my face into his palm and kissed it, and let my lips absorb the unique patterns in his skin. They smelt like cigarettes and the old rubber of the steering wheel.

"Come on, let's go back to the truck. It's freezing."

Jaehyun took his jacket off and eased my arms into the sleeves. He threw his arm around me and held me close to his side as we made our way back. He walked me over to the passenger seat and lifted me inside. He didn't look it, but Jaehyun was very strong. His muscles were not huge, but they were extremely powerful. His biceps were very sculpted as he played basketball and baseball while he was at school. When I was walking down the hallway one day, I stopped at the sports display cabinet and saw him in the team photo. The memory of this instantly warmed my heart and calmed me down slightly.

Jaehyun put the keys in the ignition and twisted it, and fiddled with buttons on the display until the heater turned on. He pointed all of the vents towards me.

"Where the hell did you get the keys?"

"Turns out they were in the visor the whole damn time."

"What a fucking joke." I shook my head and laughed at the incredulity of the fact.

"Tell me Taeyong, what else happened in that dream?" Jaehyun wasted no time in his eagerness to get details out of me.

"My father was alive."

"And?"

"I already told you. I don't want to say it ag-"

"You said that you killed me. How did you know that it was you that _killed me_?" He blurted. I looked out the window.

"I think I.... I think I shot you." I could not say it while looking into his eyes. I rested my head back and let my eyelids fall shut. He remained silent. I turned my head to face him after he did not reply to gauge his reaction.

I saw Jaehyuns nostrils flare, and he gulped. I think he was slightly nervous because a dream that I had essentially came to fruition... It was almost like a premonition. 

"It's not real. It's your subconscious. You're always alert." He affirmed himself. I genuinely think he was terrified of me, but he did a very good job at keeping calm.

"I left the car because... I thought the back of your head was missing."

"You probably hadn't woken up properly yet. It's okay, Tae."

"Are you scared?"

"No... no."

"Let's get going. We're not far from Busan."

"What's the time?"

"4 am. Go back to sleep baby."

"Hold my hand?"

"Of course."

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

"Thanks for meeting us this early."

"I don't sleep these days, anyway."

"So, Taeyong has a lot of issues. I think that much is clear. And we think that you can help him."

"That's a lot of responsibility to put on someone whose father is about to  _die_." Wei Ren sassed.

"I know, and we're sorry. But that's why I think you can help him. You can help each other mourn. You can relate to him."

"I suppose you're right. I  _do_  miss him dearly... I worry about him. I just hope he's okay."

"You can make sure he's okay by helping us," Doyoung interjected.

Wei Ren paused in thought for a moment.

"I'll do it. It's the least I can do, honestly. So where do we go from here? Do you know where he went?"

"We have a rough idea. We haven't been able to contact him. We don't have his mobile number or his exact location. But we have a lead."

"What's the lead?"

"He stole one of our cars and he drove it quite a distance, to a town."

"Is he alone?"

"Yes. A lone wolf." I lied through my teeth. 

"Poor Tae... but he's also a damn idiot for running off like that and causing everyone to worry."

"I know, I know it must be hard for you, considering your close relationship with him and all, but please try and keep a rational and level head." I was speaking pure bullshit out of my fucking asshole. I hated all of this pretentious, lovey-dovey crap.

"I'll do my best." She smiled at us both sincerely. 

"So, when we find him, and if we find him, we will send you to wherever he is. He trusts you more than anyone."

"Sounds like a great plan. If I can be of any other assistance, please let me know."

Wei Ren got up and shook my hand, and then Doyoung's. That was easier than I had anticipated. She was besotted by him. Completely and utterly. Now that we had her on our side, we had at least  _some_  security. Her money was increasingly secure, which put my mind at ease and lessened the load and pressure that the entire mafia had on me. As Wei Ren left the room, I leaned back into the couch and let out a sigh. You might be thinking - why doesn't Doyoung, or even myself marry Wei Ren? 

 _The answer is more simple than you would think_. It would be far too conspicuous. Taeyong disappearing, and another member of the same mafia group making an effort to grow closer to her in a romantic way? We may as well just shoot ourselves in the foot. She may be stupid, but I'm sure that she would realise if she is being manipulated or coaxed by someone. 

"I can't believe she said that. She's more stupid than I thought." Doyoung snickered. 

"Don't jinx us now. She could change her mind. We have to treat her like the queen. Send her flowers from us, thanking her. We should take her out for dinner. We have to spoil her."

"Yes Sajang." Doyoung pulled a notepad out of his pocket and recorded my request.

"Let's get going. Is the van ready? We should leave before sunrise."

"Everything's set. Shall we go?"

"Of course. How long do you think it'll take to get there?"

"About a 6-hour drive."

"6 hours too long."

I rolled my eyes and prepared myself for the long trip. Deep down inside, I was very eager to go. I didn't care how long it took. I didn't care if I had to traverse mountains of an enormous scale or walk through an arctic blizzard. I just wanted to find that fucking bastard... and make his life a living hell - or even more hellish. I would get my revenge.


	33. ACTORS

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

The morning sun woke me up. I yawned and I opened my eyes laboriously.

There's always that moment, in the interstices of sleep and wakefulness, where your brain is coming to grips with where you are. There is a split second of confusion, of sheer nothingness. You could be anywhere in the world... unfortunately, I wasn't where I wanted to be. At least I was with the person that I wanted to be with.

"Good morning baby. We're here."

"Jesus Christ, thank god."

"Where's Johnny's place?" Jaehyun asked, wasting no time. 

"It's not far from here. Jesus Christ. Last time I was here I was a fucking kid... everything was so simple back then."

I sat up and looked out the window. We were parked at the beach, and jaehyun was sitting back in his chair and resting, looking at the ocean.

"How long have we been here?"

"Only about half an hour. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine now. I guess... why are you looking at me like that?"

Jaehyun was looking at me with a slight smirk.

"You twitch in your sleep. You look so cute."

"Creep. Let's get going."

"Good idea."

Jaehyun shifted the car into drive and he sped off into the streets. There were cars lining either side of the road. It was early but the beach was already getting busy. It had been a few days since we had been around so many people. It made me anxious...

"Johnny's place is in the middle of the city, in a basement. I'm sure ill recognise it."

Jaehyun nodded absent-mindedly as he focused on the road. I noted his side profile for a moment. Every time I looked at his lips, I couldn't believe that they were once against mine, sucking on them. It seemed unreal that I could have ever come in contact with such perfection. Every time I saw them, it was like seeing them for the first time. It bothered me how I could not physically see his lips touch mine, I could not leave my body and observe the moment like I wished that I could do. All I could do was feel them against my own, and savour his taste. His face was delicate, like a cherub.

His face at rest looked unmistakably stern, but he never looked angry or bothered. Then, when you made him laugh, his entire face would erupt into a serene display of happiness, his eyes would disappear when he smiled, and his dimples would show, the one on his left appeared slightly deeper because he smiled crookedly. When he pursed his lips when he was concentrating, or when he chewed on gum they would reveal themselves, and I swear to god, the whole world would stop to look at them.

Even as he was looking at the road, his gaze was soft and gentle. Jaehyun was the type of person who seemed to float through life without hurting a fly; he had an angel like presence about him, even though the world had treated him so poorly. He had the mind of a philosopher and the morals of a genius. He always knew what to say and when to say it. He was so fucking beautiful. I wanted to show him off to the world, but at the same time, I wanted to keep him all for myself. I wanted to shout "I FUCKING LOVE YOU JAEHYUN" from the fucking rooftops, but I also wanted to whisper it in his ear so only he could hear me.

"We're getting close to the city centre. Where to from here?"

I snapped out of my trance and somehow found a grip on reality again. I looked around me, suddenly becoming remarkably familiar with the streets that I had grown up on, that had paved my way to my old school, that had facilitated good memories and terrible ones.

"Left here. Then you'll see barred windows and stairs leading down to a basement."

"So, you grew up here, huh? What was it like?"

"I was ignorant so of course it was nice. I went to school about a 15-minute walk away from here. My mother used to bring me to the Main Street and buy me milkshakes and cookies."

"Your mother... you haven't spoken to me about her..."

"There's no time to get into it now. Pull over here."

I told Jaehyun to stop a few doors down and he parked the car.

"I'm nervous." Jaehyun blurted.

"Relax. He's an old friend."

"Nonetheless, we shouldn't tell him about what happened."

"I agree, but what should our reasons be for leaving the country?"

"College? Travelling? Anything but the fact that we're fleeing a murder."

"We will say that we're going somewhere for a holiday... to France."

"Okay, but that raises the question; where the fuck are we  _actually_  going?"

"France, baby."

"Don't be stupid."

"I'm just kidding. I was thinking Japan. We would blend in physically, even though we don't know the language. Or somewhere really obscure, where we would have to live in complete solitude, like Russia... or Yemen."

"Japan... Japan! Great idea... somewhere so close, but so far away. This might actually end up working out after all."

"Really? I was thinking Yemen."

"Don't pull my leg. C'mon Tae. We have some acting to do."

We both got out of the car and slammed the door shut. The footpath was already busy with people going to work. How would they feel if they knew they were walking past a murderer, a fucking criminal?

I led the way down the stairs into the basement. Johnny's business logo was plastered on the door. We rang the bell as the sign prompted. Within a few seconds, and a few worried glances exchanged between Jaehyun and I, Johnny appeared at the door.

"Taeyong! I've been expecting you, man! Come in!"

"Hey bro. How have you been?" I asked politely. I attempted to remain as casual and as calm as possible - my speciality.

"Not bad, not bad at all. Who's this?" He signalled to Jaehyun who shoved his hands in his pocket nervously.

"This is Jaehyun."

"Pleasure to meet you. Are you guys friends?"

"Yeah. I met him at school."

"Nice to meet you, Johnny."

Johnny stepped back and welcomed us inside. It smelt like fresh paper and ink, like a new newspaper.

"I finished these about an hour ago. All I need to do now is take your photos and print them on."

"Fantastic. Thank you so much."

Johnny handed us our fake passports and we observed them. They looked so real. He was really a master of his craft. He took them back off us and placed them down carefully. 

"So where are you heading?"   
  
"France. For a holiday." I blurted before Jaehyun could open his mouth.

"France is so nice. Bring me back a keychain." Johnny winked as he set up the camera, lights, and a white backdrop. "Taeyong, you first. I can't say that I remember your red hair, though. When did you die it?"

"Ah, about a year ago." I faked a laugh.

"How's the family?" Johnny asked as he looked into the eye of the camera.

"Well, you know, busy as usual."

 _I have no fucking clue where my mother is, and I shot my father in the head -_ I mentally retorted.

I saw Jaehyun gulp and shift uncomfortably.

"H-how's your family?" I stuttered like a fool.

"My father's alright. A little bit round in the middle, if you know what I mean. My mother's doing well. I'll tell her you to say hello."

"Please, do. Send her my condolences."

Johnny adjusted the lights once more and looked into the camera again.

"Look straight ahead. Don't smile."

_That shouldn't be too hard for me._

The lights flashed, almost sending me blind. I swore to god, I blinked.

"Great. You're a natural, Taeyong. Jaehyun, your turn. Once again, just look straight ahead, don't smile."

Jaehyun sat down on the rickety wooden stool. Even though he was just getting his passport photo taken, the bright lights made him look like a model preparing for a photo shoot. johnny pressed his finger on the trigger of the camera, and the lights flashed again.

"All done. It shouldn't be too long. Make yourselves comfortable."

Johnny took the photos behind a curtain and a machine started.

"You're doing well." Jaehyun rested his hand on my shoulder.

"I feel like I'm going to be sick. I need a cigarette. And some fucking soju."

"You can drink all the soju you like in Japan. Don't lose your resolve."

He looked at me intensely and then kissed me on the cheek. I couldn't help but blush slightly.

The mechanical whirring stopped. Johnny emerged once again. His long legs carried him over to us with a wide smile on his face. He handed us our passports - this time, the finished product.

"Probably my best yet, if I do say so myself."

"Thank you so much, Johnny. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing."

"No, really, I insist-"

"Seriously, it's fine. I could never take money from an old friend."

"You're too kind."

"Enjoy your time in France. Tell your family I say hello, send them my love. I have to get back to work, but if you ever find yourselves in Busan again, pay me a visit." He shook my hand and then held it with his other. I tried to maintain eye contact with him, but I failed miserably. He reminded me too much of my past that I had worked so valiantly to suppress. All of these unearthed faces, all of these rekindled memories made me feel horribly overwhelmed.

"I will. Likewise. Stay well, Johnny."

"Thank you, see you later, man," Jaehyun said casually as he nodded his head slightly. We made our way out of his establishment and dashed back to the car. Both of us sighed as our bodies impacted with the seat. I held our new selves in the palm of our hand. Our new identities, our new faces... 

"Jesus fucking Christ." I clutched my forehead with shaky hands.

"Relax, its over, we're going to be out of here. All we have to get is plane tickets and we're out! Can you believe it?"

"No... I can't, that's the thing." 

"Look at me baby, please."

I felt Jaehyun's hand on my thigh, and I looked up at him reluctantly.

"I know we said to each other that we would never say that we were alright, we would never say that things were okay when they were not. but... I think things really are going to be okay. I have a feeling in my bones."

"Don't say that yet. Things aren't meant to be okay. And its almost like I don't want them to be okay... I don't want to get used to feeling like this."

"Like what?" Jaehyun cocked his head curiously at my uncharacteristic remark. 

"That I can keep running from everything that happens in my life. That... I can get away with murder."

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

At dawn, Doyoung pulled the van into the Main Street of the town that we suspected Taeyong and jaehyun stayed at on the night of Mr Lee's murder. There wasn't much to look at, and it was a stark contrast against Seoul. Everything seemed to be covered in dust and dirt, everything was grey and old and worn. I scowled at the sight of it.

"What a dump," I muttered.

"You can say that again." Doyoung spat.

"See any motels?"

"Only that piece of shit over there. There's nowhere else, by the looks of it. Should we take a look?"

"I guess so. Let's not get our hopes up, though."

Do young drove the van into the moderately empty carpark. We both walked into the warm reception room. We were greeted by a fat, old lady.

"Hello," I said plainly.

"How can I help you?" She said in a sarcastic tone.

"I was just wondering if a Lee Taeyong and Jung Jaehyun visited this fine establishment in the past week or so."

"I've never heard of them. You got the wrong place." She scoffed and rolled her eyes. This made me instantly suspicious. She was being overly defensive. A simple 'no' would have sufficed. She didn't even look at the records in front of her. How could she have remembered everyone's names who visited?

I took my gun out of my jacket and pointed it at her chest.

"Listen, lady. I'm not a fucking idiot. Open the books right now."

"You won't find them, fool."

I lost my cool. I grabbed her head, which made her scream slightly. I slammed it against the table before her, knocking her out cold. Her round body slumped to the floor. Doyoung stepped back. He was never the violent type. I walked around to the other side of her desk. I checked through all the draws, but the bottom one was locked. I checked all of her pockets, and still didnt find a key. Suddenly, my eyes landed on a key on a thin silver chain, slightly hanging out of her shirt.

I ripped it off her neck, and it fit perfectly into the hole. I twisted it, and in it was a bunch of miscellaneous junk, a diary, and a slab of cash. I snickered in disbelief. I grabbed it and slammed the door shut with my foot. I threw it on the counter. Doyoung knew exactly what that meant.

"He's been here." His lips formed into a toothless, satisfied smirk. 

"The idiot bribed her."

"Smart move, but not smart enough. Nobody around here has that much money." I observed the cash closely. "The paper around it even has our logo on it. HAH! What a fucking idiot!" I couldn't help but laugh.

"We know they were here. But what room could they have been in?"

I opened the log book and found an empty space with a room number, but no names were printed next to it, like the ones before it.

"205. This is almost too easy. Let's go." I ordered. 

I grabbed the key off the hook and we walked with purpose up to the room. I unlocked it, and I was instantly confronted with the potent smell of vodka.

"They've been here alright," I said. 

"What exactly are we looking for?"

"I don't know, anything... clues."

I walked into the bathroom. They had cleaned up very well. There was almost no sign that they had been here, aside from the smashed vodka bottle. On the bath, there was a single hair stuck to the white plastic. I picked it up carefully with two fingers and held it up to the light.

Neither of them had blonde hair... perhaps I was over thinking it. If it was theirs, it could be valuable DNA. I placed it in a tissue and put it in my pocket.

"We're done here. So, let's presume that they're heading south. They could either be heading to Busan or Gwangju."

"What makes you think that?"

"The highway splits at a point about 30km from here. They have two options."

"Where do you think they went?"

"Busan... Taeyong used to live in Busan. In fact, Taeyong and I used to live in Busan."

"Why would he go somewhere so conspicuous?"

"I don't know... I wouldn't go there. Let's head to Gwangju." 

"Yes, Sajang."

I drove us out of the town, high on the fact that our lead was actually a lead, not some kind of false pretence. Doyoung was tired after the long drive, so he fell asleep silently next to me.

My phone rang in the cupholder of the car. the number flashing on the screen was unknown. despite this, I answered it immediately.

"Hello?" 

"Jackson? Is this still your number?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Johnny Seo."

Johnny was a good friend of mine. He was the type of guy who seemed to know everyone. You could trust him with your life. I went to school with him when I was in Busan. He finished a year earlier than me, but I was in his classes because of my accelerated learning scheme. He was involved with the underworld but his current position was unclear to me.

"AH! Johnny! I haven't heard from you in ages man! My fuckin Busan boy! What's good?"

"I just called to see how you were. Taeyong visited me- you remember him?" My eyes widened in shock. "Anyways, he visited me and didn't mention you so I just called to see how you were doin'!"

I slammed my foot on the brakes. Doyoung's head shot up and he looked over to me.

"You there, bro?"

I hung up and threw my phone into the back seat in frustration.

"FUCK!" I yelled. I slammed my foot on the accelerator and turned us around.

"S-Sajang? Is everything okay?" 

"They're in Busan."

"What?! How do you know?" 

"A little fucking birdy on my fucking shoulder told me."

"I'm sorry?" 

"JOHNNY SEO! A FRIEND FOR FUCKS SAKE!"

Thank god we were not travelling in the opposite direction for very long. I swerved across the highway with sheer disregard for oncoming traffic. Doyoung clutched his door nervously and pressed his back against the seat anxiously.

"How could I have been so stupid?" I shook my head. "Don't answer that," I added.

I drove in mute contemplation for miles and miles. We reached farmland and open paddocks by the early afternoon.

"Sajang. Look at that." Doyoung pointed out the window and looked over to me. "Police tape."   
"Good observation skills. I wouldn't have seen that." I slowed down and waited for a few cars to pass, and I turned into the dirt road. I stopped in the middle of it, and we both got out to take a closer look. As we approached it, the image became clearer.

"It looks like... a burnt car." Doyoung said as he squinted his eyes from the sun, trying to get a clearer image. I had a sudden thought. I paced up to it.

"This is... this is..." I kicked through the rubble.

My eyes landed on a shiny piece of silver.

I bent down and picked it up. A Lamborghini logo.

"Think fast," I said, and I threw it at Doyoung. He caught it with both of his hands and looked at it in disbelief.

"Great. Just great. Now we have to look for another fucking vehicle." His hands fell to his side in defeat. He swirled around in frustration.

"We just lost a valuable lead, but don't be disheartened. We know they're in Busan, and we know they visited Johnny. Perhaps we owe him a little visit as well." 

"You can say that again." 


	34. BLAME

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

We decided to stay at another motel for the night. I bought us surgical masks while I was at the market getting food, so we could cover our faces without making it conspicuous that we were hiding from something... from everything. In the room, which was only slightly better than the last one and a lot smaller, with one single bed (it was all I could afford, considering the fact that we still had to buy plane tickets). When I was in public, I kept my head down. I was constantly shaking and constantly nervous. I always had my invisible defences raised, like an invisible shield. The only time that I did raise my head was to look over my shoulder. After my dream the other night, I couldn't help but feel like my father was still watching me. I felt like I was meant to be a crab on the ocean floor... scuttling unseen, in and out of rocks never to see the light of day.

When I returned to the room, booked under our false identities, it was getting dark. All of the curtains were drawn and there was a single lamp illuminating the room. Jaehyun was sitting down on the bed reading a magazine that was provided by the hotel. He was lying on his back, shirtless, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. The smoke was filling the room and dancing gracefully. He only looked up at me when he heard me place a bottle of soju on the scratched wooden table.

"Please stop drinking."

"Please stop smoking so much." I sassed.

He took the cigarette out of his lips and pressed it into the ashtray on the bedside table, and smiled at me flirtatiously.

"Let's have a bath. We stink." I ordered. He groaned. I leaned down and took his wrist, and pulled him up, and led him into the cramped space. 

I turned on the taps and jaehyun stripped his pants off and threw them on the hook. He had grown a lot more comfortable with his body, or a lot more comfortable with me. I couldn't tell which it was.

Jaehyun helped me get undressed and I sat in the tub first, in the hot running water, which made me wince slightly. He climbed in and sat on the opposite side of the tub. I shook my head and patted the space between my legs. He rolled his eyes and turned around, and leaned his back against me, and rested his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. I could feel his warm flesh against mine, as the steam rose and made his pale cheeks blush. He exhaled and closed his eyes.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked.

"I'm... surprisingly well. Of course, I've seen better days but... How about you?"   
"My nerves are shot. Even now I'm just...  _jumpy_." - it was the only word that came to mind.   
"They will improve once we leave, I'm sure of it."

"It feels weird... I almost feel like we shouldn't be trying to relax right now... like we should be cowering in the corner or something."

"I think we've done our fair share of that... I feel like doing it, and I'm sure you do as well. But I think its best if we try and remain relaxed, and keep our heads as clear as they can get."

"I wish."

I suddenly remembered something. I lifted up Jaehyun's arm and saw where my father pressed a cigarette into his flesh, searing it, making it bubble.

"I'm sorry..."

"Why are you sorry?"   
  
"I should have tried to stop him... I should have called the police. I should have done something differently."

"I thought you said your father practically owned the police force? In Seoul at least?"   
  
"He  _did_. I guess someone else owns it now."

"Wait. Who was next in line?"

"Jackson, I think."

"You think!?" Jaehyun looked up at me with raised eyebrows. "Wouldnt have it been.... You?"

"No. My father knew it but he never told me; he knew I wasn't cut out for the job."

"I hope it wasn't you, to be honest... because if it was, that would mean that we ran away for nothing."

"An enemy of the mafia cant be a successor."

"How would people know you killed him? There was no way they would know if we covered it up."

"Please stop talking about this... please..."

Jaehyun's head drooped down and he sighed.

"I don't know what I'm thinking. So much for a clear head." 

I hugged his waist and rested my chin over his shoulder.

"If only we could turn back time... I know... I would as well..." I whispered.

"As long as I'm with you... it - It doesn't matter."

"You don't have to say that."

"No, I mean it. I'm sorry. I was thinking too much. Even if you were the successor you would hate it... it would have been-"

"It would have killed me, Jae." I blurted. "Even if Jackson is the leader now, and even if he has a bounty on our fucking heads, I'm still glad it's not me. Perhaps it would have been me if I didn't fall in love... if I just shut my fucking mouth and accepted it... if I didn't see that there is a world outside myself and my own fucking corrupt existence."

"Now the blame is on me." Jaehyun shook his head.

"That's not what I meant at all."

I clutched Jaehyun's chin and tried to tilt his head up, but he moved it away. I grabbed his face rather roughly and titled it up to mine. His gaze darted everywhere but my face. I softened my touch once I saw the fear and apprehension in his eyes. I rested my forehead against his and felt my eyes sting with tears. To my delight, he didn't tear away.   
  
"That's not what I meant and you know it."

Jaehyun closed his eyes. I tried to kiss him again, and he relented against my touch.

I pulled away from him and we both rested our heads back. I could feel his moist hair sticking to my skin, tickling it slightly. I felt his muscular back against my stomach, which was actually surprisingly soft. We sat in silence in the steamy bathroom, all I could hear was our breathing and the irregular dripping of the faucet.

"I love you." He said randomly.

I ran my hand down his front, just treasuring the serenity and the unforeseen normality of the moment... he had told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I wished that I could have been better for him. I wished the circumstances behind that frame in time were perpetrated by happiness and contentment instead of fear. I wished that I could make the dreams, the nightmares, the hallucinations, and the paranoia, go away, purely for his sake.

The world was a deaf machine indifferent to my suffering.

A deaf machine in which I dwell, in this body, this terrible, broken body. My soul occupies this shell, this shell that was brewed in my mother's stomach, a collection of DNA, of both her and my fathers... somehow, I leapt into it when I was born, when I became Lee Taeyong, and here I will remain until I die. Perhaps you could consider me unlucky. Some may think that its fate. whoever thinks that I have a message for you: spare me the philosophical bullshit. Even though I am me, I am my life, I am my memories, I am my father, I am a hallucination, a dream, a spectre, a poltergeist, a murderer, a criminal, a fugitive, an actor and a sinner, and I am a bullet and a gun... he still loved me. I didn't deserve him... I still don't deserve him. I wanted to make his face glisten with laughter, not contorted with abhorrence and trepidation.

"There will be a day where I deserve you."

"Huh?"

"There will be a day where I make you happy, I promise..."

"Stop." I felt his hand slide into mine, and he intertwined our fingers. 

"There will be a day where I will be up to your standard I promise you, Jung Jaehyun, I will do whatever it takes to be-"

"Enough, baby... enough."

"I hope that I will make you smile and laugh because you deserve it so bad... I'm sorry I can't be that person for you."

"For fuck's sake, Taeyong." He snapped and climbed out of the bath. Water dripped off his bare body. He looked down at me with a vexed glare, his shoulders looked broad and domineering from my position. "Stop all this bullshit. Stop it right fucking now, I swear to god."

"Why are you so angry?!"

"Because you're saying all of this fucking shit! This absolute fucking bullshit!"

"Its got to do with me, not you!"

"YOU'RE WRONG! YOURE SO FUCKING WRONG!"

"W-what?" 

"BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME SMILE AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH! AND IT HURTS... IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! TO HEAR YOU SAY ALL THIS DEPRESSING SHIT! BECAUSE ITS  _MY_  FAULT THAT YOU'RE LIKE THIS!

"No no no! I didn't-" 

"IT'S MY FAULT! YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, I JUST DIDNT WANT TO  _FUCKING_  ADMIT IT!" His hair fell in front of his eyes as he spat sat me violently.

He had started to cry. His face was full of emotion. He twisted his body away from me and sat on the cold tiles, then pressed his palms into his eyes.

All I could do was sit there in shock and watch him...

What he said held some truth. I wouldn't have had such a big issue dating Wei Ren if it wasn't for Jaehyun. I would have found it hard, but I wouldn't have felt like I was betraying and stomping on everything that meant something to me. If it wasn't for him, the course of time would be altered. I wouldn't have run off with him and subsequently vexed my father. I wouldn't have been paranoid when I was with him. I wouldn't have had terrible and graphic dreams depicting death and suffering if I didn't think about him, and if I didn't truly love him. If he didn't give me the strength to stand up for myself, who knows - I could be on a date with Wei Ren at this very moment. But that's not me. That's not my life. My life was him - flesh and blood, sitting down before me. Brown eyes and blonde hair, pale skin and lean limbs, fluffy hair on his legs and arms, pink lips and long fingers. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I got out of the tub and tried to pull him up off the ground. He would not budge. I nearly lost my balance and slipped.

"Okay, you know what? Fine! Fine! You win, Jaehyun! This happened because I love you."

He looked up at me with narrow eyes and parted lips. Tears were flowing freely and relentlessly from his swollen eyes. 

"This happened because I didn't want to hurt you. Because I wanted to be with you, and only you. And also because my father was a fucking asshole, but to a lesser extent, ill admit that. I take back what I said about it being his fault. When it comes down to it... You can put this on yourself as much as you like but don't forget that I was the one who pulled the trigger." I paced out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I sat down at the table. My feet left wet footprints in the carpet. The hotel room was warm, the gas heater in the corner was whirring away. I held my head in my hands and nearly tore my fucking hair out. I hated fighting with him... I couldn't stand the thought that he could potentially be thinking negative thoughts about me.

But who was to blame? I couldn't just point my finger at him...  _but this was all for him..._  all of it... just so we could be together. I felt his aura through the walls. I couldn't stand this indecision, this interstices wherein nothing was certain, whereby the only thing I knew was that I loved him. Perhaps, at this stage, it was enough. 

I leapt out of my seat and opened the bathroom door. Jaehyun was already standing there, his hand ready to turn the door nob. Our bodies collided together in a warm embrace like two meteors in space. Everything that we know in this world, everything that is generated, was made by a collision of some sorts - even this earth, in its formative stages.

We crashed against the wall behind us with a thud. The room was dimly lit, which exacerbated our lustful mood even further despite the underlying angst and fury. I kissed his soft lips passionately. I could feel everything; the hair above his lips, the crevices in them, the natural contour of them, the taste of cigarette and motel chocolate. I slipped my tongue inside his mouth, and he pressed his own against mine before entering my wet cavern. I could feel his fleshy tongue inside my mouth, the sweet taste of his saliva mixing with my own. I pulled his body onto mine, and pressed my thigh in-between his legs. Jaehyun followed my lead and rubbed himself against my thigh. I could feel his hard cock pulsating against my leg. I pulled the back off his hair gently and fiddled with his ears in-between my fingers. I could feel his hands all over my back, he ran his fingers down the centre which made my whole body shiver, especially as he reached the bottom. His long fingers nearly engulfed my waist, which had gotten even smaller due to my recent weight loss.

I tore away from him to take a much-needed breath, but he wasn't having it. Before he crashed his lips onto mine again, I stopped him with my thumb. I looked at his face from a close proximity. I could see every fine detail, every filament of my beautiful baby... I wanted to look at his bones through an X-ray and I wanted to see his cells under a microscope. I wanted to know every part of him. I ran my thumb down his lips and jaehyun closed his eyes, letting the sensation consume him. I liked how his upper lip was slightly darker than usual due to him not having access to shaving equipment. Like a natural instinct, our legs took us over to the bed. I melted on top of him and pressed my dick against his. He wrapped his legs around mine and grabbed my ass and squeezed it gently. I couldn't help but moan into his mouth. All of a sudden, he flipped me over and began to suck my neg, sucking it before he grazed his teeth over it.

His lips moved all the way down my body. He couldn't wait to reach my dick. He was lying down in-between my legs, with his back arched like a stretching cat in the sun. He clutched my thigh with one hand and began to kiss my groin. He sucked on the soft skin, and his hair caressed my dick which sent me wild.

When he went down on me, I felt my entire body weaken and all of my muscles tense up. I arched my back as I felt cum ooze out of my tip completely involuntarily. The sensation of his lips around my dick was enough to make me cum alone. But having them wrapped around me, kissing me, doing all sorts of wonderful things to me... was too overwhelming. Even though I spent a lot of time with jaehyun, as each day passed, I grew more sensitive to his touch. I had had enough of his teasing. I pushed him back on the bed and fingered the space between his ass and his dick - a notorious sensitive spot.

He squeezed his eyes shut and smiled slightly as I ran my fingers over that area. He pressed his cheek into the bed in a pitiful attempt to relieve some pressure. I spread his legs further apart, which made him moan as I ran my hand downs both of his thighs. He inhaled sharply and thrusted his hips up, begging me to enter him.

I grabbed my dick and put it inside of him slowly.

_"Don't look away, don't close your eyes. I want to see you when you come."_


	35. DAMNED

When Jaehyun came, he forced his eyes open and he looked at me zealously. He looked so beautiful, breathing heavily, his dark brown eyes swelling with desire and yearning. I reached down and cupped his face in my hand, I could feel his protruding veins in his neck coated in a thin layer of sweat.

I collapsed onto his body and came inside of him. I felt Jaehyun's entire body shiver, and his abs tensed up as I relaxed on him. I pulled myself out of him, and lay down in between his legs, trying to gain control of my breathing again. I nibbled the skin below his nipple and I felt my hot breath condensate on his skin.

I felt his hand through my hair, swirling my locks in-between his fingers.

His body was still trembling.

"What's wrong? Are you cold?"

"No... just... ah... ugh...." he moaned and looked at the ceiling blankly through slow blinks. 

"What's up?" I propped myself up on my hands and studied his face. his skin wasn't pale, he looked perfectly normal, yet he was shaking like leaves in the wind. 

"Never felt... that before... intense." Was all he could manage.

"Are you hurting?"   
  
"No... no..."

"One hundred-"

"127%." He blurted, and smiled tenderly.

I looked up at him and pushed his hair off his forehead.

"I'll be alright." He affirmed.

I had only heard about this once before, on a school camp, when guys (and even girls) shake after they have an orgasm. But I thought that was a myth reserved for novels, for movies and for idealistic couples on beds of roses burning vanilla candles, not in a trashy hotel with water stains on the roof, with heavy rain pattering against the window and moths fluttering outside instead of butterflies on a clear blue day.

I felt flattered that I had caused him to react that way. Perhaps he was just overwhelmed by the sudden change in emotion, from anger to contentment all in a flash. His trembling diminished after about a 5 minute period. We were both utterly exhausted. I rolled off him and pulled the covers over our legs, keeping our soaked torsos revealed to the air. I nestled my head on Jaehyun's arm.

"I love you so fucking much, Jung Jaehyun, so fucking much..." I whispered as I played with the hair below his belly button.

"I love you too Lee Taeyong. So fucking much..." He mimicked me. I felt a soft kiss on the top of my head. He lingered there for a moment, and I heard him inhale deeply through his nose.

"We have to buy plane tickets."

Another snap back to reality.

"I nearly forgot about that."

"So to Japan?"

"To Japan... we will be able to take long walks in the park, we will be able to sit under the cherry blossoms and everything will be great..."

"Do you really think so, or are you just saying that?"

"I think that when things settle down when we're not so highly strung and when we're not so fucking anxious; when we blend into society like we always belonged there, I really think so, well, I hope so."

"I hope so... I hope so too."

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

We drove non stop to Busan, only stopping for petrol once. I had Doyoung working in the back on his laptop, building a profile for both Taeyong and Jaehyun, collecting every image of them he could find, and collecting any information that was available. My eyes were stinging with fatigue, but the thought of seeing Johnny kept me going. I didn't have to ask Johnny for his address because I had tracked his call to his location in Busan. I entered the given address into the GPS and it took us right to his damn doorstep.

I didn't care if he found our visit suspicious. I didn't give a shit.

Doyoung came back into the front seat and adjusted his suit in the mirror.

"So, what's the plan?" He asked.

"We tell him the truth."

"With all due respect, are you sure about that, Sajang?"

"Who's side are you on?"   
  
"That's not what I was implying... I mean, if he tells anyone about it, we could be put in danger."

"We tell him not to tell anyone. And if he does, ill put a cap in his head."

"He already told you that Taeyong visited without any regard for his own random visit. I think he's a bit dim-witted."

"Then he's easy to manipulate. Follow my lead."

"Of course." 

I got out of the van. It was quite late at night, the last time I checked the clock it read 9 pm. The lights in his presumed house or workplace were still on. I walked down the stairs to a basement. I knocked on the door loudly, as I could hear a mechanical whirring inside.

The whirring stopped, and the door opened.

"Jackson?"

"Johnny! Boy, am I glad to see you."

Doyoung and I welcomed ourselves inside, and he stepped back in shock slightly.

"It's been years... I wasn't expecting you so soon, is everything okay?"   
  
"Depends which way you look at it."

"Pardon?" 

I took my gun out of my jacket and pointed it at him. I didn't feel great doing such a thing to an old friend, but I needed to emphasise the seriousness of the situation. His eyes widened and he raised his hands.

"What's this about?" He looked around him nervously.

"Lee Taeyong and Jung Jaehyun. They were here, correct?"

I could see him hesitate before he opened his mouth. I walked closer to him.

"Yes... yes, they were."

"Why were they here?"

"I made them passports..."

My heart skipped a beat.

"You what!?"   
  
"I made them fake passports-"

"Under what fucking names?"

"I-I can't tell you that."

I laughed.

"Did I fucking stutter? Allow me to repeat myself. Under what fucking names did you make those passports?"

I pressed my gun to his throat and he gulped. He remained silent.

"You do know who we are, right?" I looked back at Doyoung, who's arms were folded.

"Jackson Wang."

"Jackson Wang, leader of the most powerful underground mafia in South Korea."

"What? What happened to Lee Seon-Won - was that his name?"

"He's dead. And your little friend, Lee Taeyong, just fucking shot him."

"W-what?! why?"

"I don't have time to get into it. But just know that Taeyong shot him and he's on the run from us. He's a criminal and he needs to be stopped. Give me any information that you have on them, and if you don't, you will be joining Seon-won."

"T-they said they're going to France..."

"And what names were on the passport?"   
"That's classified infor-"

I shot him in the head. I had enough of his bullshit. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and his body fell to the floor like a rag doll. Doyoung jumped slightly. I cracked my neck, blew the smoke out of the gun, and put it back into my jacket.

"Find those names. Turn this place upside down if you have to. Find those fucking names!" I ordered Doyoung.

"Yes, Sajang." He got to work right away. He stared at the desks and fumbled through the draws.

"I can't believe it. How could I have been so  _stupid_!? Johnny must have been making fake papers for the mafia. And the reason they came to Busan is also that there is a fucking airport here. Gimhae  _International_  airport. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Sometimes answers are too simple so we overlook them."

After half an hour and three cigarettes later, Doyoung's face lit up.

"Black and white photocopies of their passport."

He strolled over to me confidently and handed them to me with a content smirk playing on his lips. 

"Its bad quality but we can make out their names." He added.

"Nam Sangwoo and Han Yoon Oh..." I handed Jackson the piece of paper and

"Korean names. Clever, but not clever enough."

"What now, Sajang?" I got up and walked past Johnny's body, out of his establishment into the brisk night. We sat back in the van and continued our conversation.

"We have to monitor the airport, relying on the presumption that they're leaving the country, because why else would they need passports?"   
"Correct. I can hack the CCTV system. It might take a while though, airports usually have really tight security systems."

"Get started right away. Also, find all of the flights to France for the next month from Gimhae airport, economy and business class. I want to know the terminal, the time, and we will look at the CCTV footage from those days and those times, to narrow it down."   
  
"I'll also monitor the check-in area."

"Fantastic."   
  
"I'll try and set up a facial recognition system based on what photos we have on them. They might be covered, but it's worth a try."

"We can never be too sure."

Doyoung tapped away on his laptop and I sighed in relief. We were getting warmer and warmer, closer and closer by the day. I would have Lee Taeyong sprawled on a pin in no time. 

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

Taeyong and I went down to reception and placed a few coins on the public computer. It was empty, thank god. He sat down and entered the search engine, and looked up flights for Japan from Gimhae Airport. I stood behind him as he searched the page. 

"There is one for tomorrow." 

"How much is it?" 

"Fucking expensive. 300 000 won for a single ticket." 

"How much do we have left?" 

"About 900 000 won." Taeyong said heavy heartedly. 

"Do it. We can't risk staying here any longer." I told him. 

"I agree... I don't have my credit card, obviously, so we will have to go to the airport and pay by cash. We will go first thing tomorrow morning." 

"Isn't that suspicious? Paying with cash?" 

"Yes, that in itself is suspicious, but the act of willingly showing your passport and leaving to a nearby country isn't suspicious at all." 

"They cancel each other out. Clear the search history." 

"One step ahead of you. Let's get to sleep. we'll set the alarm for 5 am. also, We should leave the van on the street. It'll get towed away. It isn't registered under our name so we're not responsible for it." we left the computer in a hurry to retreat to our room. 

"What about our fingerprints and stuff? Isn't that risky?" I reminded him, being overly cautious. 

"I'm pretty sure that crazy farmer doesn't know that a murderer stole his car. he didn't see our faces so I think we're clear. To be sure, ill wipe it down with some bleach." Taeyong said. He kept his voice down as we stepped into the creaky elevator. Taeyong pulled his sleeve over his finger and pressed the button to our floor so he wouldn't leave any incriminating fingerprints. 

"Isn't that suspicious in itself?" I let out a laugh, although it wasn't a laughing matter. 

"Not if we do a good job and leave no trace." 

"Damned if we do, damned if we don't." I sighed in defeat. 

"You can say that again." 


	36. PSYCHO

TAEYONG'S POV

We walked into the airport and exchanged a look of concern; of sheer terror. It was the most populated place we had been in since the incident. In the bright light, contrasted against other people who had their lives in order, parents with children, families, other couples... Compared to them, you could really see how dishevelled and disarrayed we looked.

Jaehyun's eyes were sunken and his hair was slightly overgrown and messy. His forehead was greasy and his clothes hung off him, due to them not being the correct size. As we walked through the glass sliding doors, I caught my reflection. My eyes looked terrible. My eyebrows were unkempt, my hair was even worse - it had the texture of straw at the tips because of the damage caused by the cheap hair bleach and hair dye, and I hadn't brushed it in days. My face... my face... once the source of envy, so I had been told, was now terrifying. Because I had lost so much weight, my eyes looked huge and bulbous in my head.

I was a sorry sight...

Perhaps it was a good thing that I was virtually unrecognisable. I inched closer to Jaehyun and I looked up at him in apprehension. We were standing in the check-in terminal, in the middle of pedestrian traffic. I looked around me, looking for CCTV cameras. My eyes landed on one, and I felt a shiver through my body. They must have been everywhere, hidden in plain sight.

Jaehyun squeezed my wrist, which somehow assured me that we were doing the 'right thing' - whatever the right thing was. Fleeing the country after a murder? That's what you're supposed to do, right?

"W-where do we get the tickets?" Jaehyun stuttered and spoke softly. 

"Follow me."

I lead him to the information desk.

"Hello, where can I buy tickets?" I said in a fabricated tone.

"Right here, sir. Where will you be going?"

"Japan... Tokyo, please."

"Would you like flights for tomorrow or the day after?"

"Are there not any flights for today? I checked the website and-"

"Of course there are flights for today it's just rare that people don't book in advance." 

"Sorry, this is my first time doing this."

"No problem at all, sir. We have two seats available for a flight boarding in precisely an hour."

"We will take those tickets."

"Wonderful. That'll be 600 000 won. Are you also interested in purchasing return tickets?"

"No, thank you."

My shaky hands moved to my jacket pocket and I took out the exact money. I placed it on the desk and pulled my mask down, and forced a smile at the flight attendant.

"Great. May I see both of your passports?"

We both handed them to her. She analysed them for longer than I would have anticipated. I saw her eyebrows furrow slightly.

"One moment, please." She swivelled her chair around and got up and went to speak to someone around the back. I felt my temperature rise. I couldn't even look to Jaehyun. I wiped the sweat off my hands on my pants and I swallowed a dry lump of saliva in my mouth.

Remain calm. Remain calm. Remain calm.

"Are these government issued?"

"Y-yes." I managed. I pulled the mask down off my face.

"I thought so. You don't see these very often. Where do you work?"

"The council. Public relations. Both me and my friend here."

"Ah, yes. Sorry about that, sir."

"No problem at all."

She clicked away on the keyboard before her and she printed off our tickets. She handed them to us with a cheesy smile and a slight bow.

"Enjoy your flight. Please choose to fly with Jeju Air again!"

I nodded, smiled and took them out of her hands.

We walked away slowly so we didn't raise any more suspicion. When we had gained some distance between us and the desk, I felt vomit rise in my throat.

"I think I'm going to be sick," I said before swallowing the potent bile, pushing it down my throat. 

"Relax Tae, you'll be fine. You did so well. Better than I could have ever done. You didn't even look nervous."

"I'm a fucking psycho if that's the case."

"Maybe you are, who knows, but that's not the issue. Just pretend that we're going somewhere, typical commuters and that we haven't just... you know..."

I knew.

"Fuck."

"What?"

"We don't have luggage."

"We could be going for a day trip, they don't know."

"We didn't book return tickets."

"That's true, but don't overthink it."

"Why are you being so calm?"

"I'm not. I think I'm going to be sick as well."

I saw his eyes smile. I wanted to hug him so desperately.

"Let's go through customs and check in." He added.

"Do you think they will be suspicious of our passports?"

"No. They've already passed a layer of security."

"You're right. I just need to... relax."

I ran my shaky hands through my hair, it got stuck in the knots.

Jaehyun pulled my tremblings hands away from my head and I rested them at my side. He didn't say anything, but he walked before me which prompted me to follow him. We had our tickets. We had our passports. We were on our way. Soon, we would be out, soon, we would be free. Free of blood and free of turmoil. I hoped, I hoped so desperately that this would be a rebirth, to live the life that I had always intended for myself but only dreamed of.

I walked through the airport to the customs section, the hold world seemed foggy and distant; slightly unreal. People seemed to move in slow motion, while I was stuck in real time. 

We stood in line and I placed my wallet and the passports on the tray and it went through. We didn't have the gun, because I hid it in a bush, where hopefully no one would ever find it. And if they did, I had cleaned it thoroughly with bleach, as I did the car, so we wouldn't leave any possible trace of ourselves.

We made our way through the scanners and then, finally, to the final layer of security. We were scanned for drugs and every other possible contraband like we were already criminals under suspicion. We were, but just for a different thing. Jaehyun still looked awfully calm. Perhaps because he didn't have a guilty conscience.

Finally, we gave our passports to a lady at a desk and he stamped them without a question, observed our tickets, and we were on our way. We were inside the terminal. We did it. We fucking did it... I would have to thank Johnny, I thought to myself.

We made our way to the terminal, still keeping our heads down. We sat down on the seats for our flight, there were a few people scattered around, on laptops, making phone calls, doing normal things that normal people do. I chose our seats facing away from the security cameras in the corner. I pulled down my mask and sighed, and I couldn't help but smile. Jaehyun grabbed my pinky and linked his around mine, and then interlinked all of our fingers. My hands were sweaty but I didn't care.

We did it. 

JACKSON'S POV

Doyoung and I sat in the back of our van that was equipped with all of the equipment and technology that we needed for our investigation.

"I'm getting through the system... it's tough but I can do it."

"I'm not saying to hurry but... wait, that's exactly what I'm saying. Hurry. Make it quick."

"Yes, Sajang."

Doyoung tapped away on his keyboard furtively, trying to break through lines of code, and entering lines of code that seemed to be in a whole other language. He looked at the monitor intensely. He sighed and took sips of his coffee. He hadn't slept all night. His eyes were weary and he had huge bags under them, but this was no time to rest. We had a job to do. And he knew that.

"I think..."

"What?"

"I'm through!" He shrieked in delight.

He pressed a final key, and footage of the airport as filmed by the CCTV cameras lit up every single screen. He typed in more code and brought up the CCTV footage of the main terminal. I patted him on the back and smiled widely. He looked at me contently and shook his head in slight disbelief at his own abilities.

"So, this is the main check-in terminal, and all of the other flight terminals are rotating on the screens over there." 

"They are presumably heading to France. Check the flights."

"Already one step ahead of you. There are only three flights to France for today. I will monitor those and hook up the facial recognition program to them."

"Fantastic, Doyoung. You've really outdone yourself." I praised him.

"If you could just keep monitoring the check-in terminal and see if you find anything, that'll be great. Do you know what they look like?"

"How tall are they?"

"Their citizen file says 175 and 180 cm."

"What's the scale of the terminal?"

"It's in the corner here. If you find someone that appears to be them, allow me to do the calculations."

"I will."

We both looked at the monitors, scanning the faces of people.

"Is this live footage?"

"Yes. A live broadcast so we won't miss a thing."

"But what about before?" 

"Pardon?"

"We haven't looked at the footage from earlier today."

"I highly doubt that they would have gone earlier."

"I don't care. Rewind the footage and put the live footage on this monitor here. We cant take chances. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but allow me to say it again. We cant take chances."

"Of course," Doyoung said as he pointed to a monitor. "Rewind using this button here."

I slid my chair closer to the screen. And my eyes darted around to everyone. The minutes rolled back on the timer quickly. As I reached earlier and earlier, I felt my concentration wavering. Perhaps Doyoung was right, I thought.

All of a sudden, I saw two guys walk in through the doors, who stopped right in the entryway. I nearly jumped out of my own skin. I choked on my drink.

I paused the footage. One of them spotted the CCTV camera and looked away. I rewinded the footage to the point where he looked up at it. Why would he look up at it if he wasn't wary of them?

"Doyoung."

"Yes?"

"Take a look at this."

"What exactly am I looking at?"

"He looked right at the camera."

"So?"

"Zoom in. 30%."

Doyoung did exactly as I instructed.

"Heighten the definition, will you?"

The image of him clarified slightly.

"I know... I know those eyes."

The rest of his face was covered.

"Their hair doesn't match the description."

"Measure their height."

Doyoung tapped a few buttons and scanned their bodies. 

"T-they match perfectly, a few centimetres off but we have to take into account their shoes... But their hair, Jackson."

One of them was blonde, and the other's hair was a bright red. It was washed out slightly by the low quality of the camera.

Suddenly, I remembered something.

My hand rose to my jacket slowly, without taking my eyes off the screen. I pulled out the folded tissue and in it, lay the single hair that I collected. I turned on the lamp behind me, and tore my face reluctantly away from the monitor, and looked at the hair under the light.

"Blonde... this was the hair I found in their motel room."

Doyoung brought his face closer to the hair and observed it closely. He looked at me like I was an idiot. 

I pulled a hair out of Doyoung's head which made him jump in fright and he looked at me with a glare of bother. I held it up to the other hair. The roots were slightly darker than the blonde gradient, which meant that it was dyed. Doyoung's back hair did not match the blonde hair at all. It was blonde alright. 

"Jung motherfucking Jaehyun," I whispered.

"What?"

"We found them."

"They... They dyed their hair! Of course!"

"Roll through the rest of the footage. Focus on them." I ordered with an intense tone.

"Yes, Sajang."

We looked at them stroll through the terminal and they went over to the ticket office. The red-haired leant over to speak to the lady at the counter. The blonde one looked around him nervously. He pulled down slightly on his surgical mask and scratched his nose.

"Stop."

Doyoung pressed the stop button, and the footage paused.

"Zoom in, 90 per cent. clarify."

The image zoomed in and clarified slowly. Doyoung pulled up an image of Jaehyun on the opposite monitor. We both looked at each other in disbelief, and in a slight panic. It was definitely him, and any doubt that was in our minds was cleared. 

"Jesus Christ. Start the car. We're heading to the airport. Now."

"Fuck, we fucking got em!" Doyoung yelled in delight. I slapped his hand against mine in celebration. 

"Hell yeah, we did!"

We both leapt into the front seats, and I took the wheel. I turned the keys in the ignition and slammed my foot on the accelerator. We sped out of the alleyway and made our way onto the street. I swerved in and out of cars which attracted beeps from the passing cars. Now was not a time for caution. Wei Ren. I had to call Wei Ren. She was the one that needed to get on that flight.

"Doyoung... call Wei Ren and call her now!"

"On it!"

I took a hard left turn and joined the highway, and rode in the emergency lane avoiding the heavy traffic build up.

"Hello?"

"Wei Ren! We have an emergency. We found Taeyong. How quickly can you get to Gimhae Airport?"

"W-what?"

"HOW QUICKLY CAN YOU GET TO GIMHAE AIRPORT!"

"I-I can get a jet there within the hour but I have to pack!"

"Get here as soon as possible. I'll explain when you get here."

"I don't underst-" 

Doyoung hung up the phone and focused his eyes on the road again.   
"follow the signs. So, what's the plan?"

"I'm going to find them. I only called Wei ren as a precautionary measure in case I cannot seize them smoothly, which is going to be hard. I need you to find them in the terminals, check the nearest flight to France and find the terminal. Do it now."

"Yes, Jackson. Right away."

He climbed into the back and I kept speeding. I was stuck in traffic and I was getting more frustrated as the seconds passed. I could feel sweat on my forehead. The desire for revenge was boiling up inside of me. I felt inhuman, almost like an animal - but then again, I was trained to be an animal. I was like a starved hyena, a hungry wolf craving flesh and blood.

"Terminal 8, Jackson! I'm getting up the footage now!"

"Do you see anyone matching their description?"

He paused.

"No." He told me reluctantly.

"Keep watching. Maybe their not there yet."

"The flight is meant to leave in 20 minutes. They were spotted at the terminal 45 minutes ago. Unless they got stuck in customs or something?"

"Fuck... that's unlikely. The passports were almost pristine. An untrained eye couldn't spot the difference between them and a real one. FUCK! Check all the other terminals and the most recent flights. GO GO GO!" 

"I'm going as quick as I can!"

I swerved off the high way and drove down the long road leading to the airport. I was going in excess of 140km/hr, but I couldn't seem to drive quick enough. I clutched the steering wheel, revealing the whites of my knuckles.

"Still no sign of them!?"

"Nothing!"

"FUCK!" I yelled in frustration. I pulled into the international terminal and found a parking space. It was in a drop off zone, but people would have to fucking wait.

I joined Doyoung in the back of the van and helped him look for them in every single terminal. Eventually, we found them. I spotted Taeyong's red hair like a drop of blood on snow.

"THERE! TERMINAL 24! THEY'RE HERE!"

"What should we do!?"

"Find where the fuck they're going!"

"You can see on the screen! It's going to Tokyo!"

"Japan!?" 

"YES! JAPAN! Where else? They're boarding, you better hurry!" Doyoung hustled me out of the car and I ran into the check-in terminal.

I hadn't really considered the fact that I wouldn't be allowed through without a ticket.

I ran to the customs area and found some staff.

"I need to get through. It's urgent."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir."

"You don't understand! It's urgent! My wife forgot something important!"

He rolled his eyes and nodded over his shoulder. I ran straight past him. I completely forgot that I had a gun in my pocket. I ran around the labyrinth-like airport. Due to the way that it was set out, terminal 24 was on the opposite side that I was on, so I had to run the entire length of one side of the terminal and then down the entire opposite side.

By the time that I arrived at terminal 24, it was completely empty, and the flight attendant closed the doors to enter the plane.

"I NEED TO GET ON THAT FLIGHT!" I yelled at her. I couldn't contain myself.

"All spaces have been filled. I'm sorry, Sir."

"I need to speak to my wife!"

"We don't allow in-flight broadcasts, especially not from non-staff patrons. I'm sorry, the plane has been sealed. All communication from ground crew to inside the plane is strictly prohibited."

"So you're telling me there is no fucking way that I can see my wife? The plane is right there! Are you fucking kidding me?" 

"Do I have to call security, sir?" This snapped me out of my stupor.

"No. No. I'm sorry. I'll be on my way."

I clenched my jaw and my nostrils flared. I had just missed them. I had just fucking missed their asses... at least we knew they were going to Tokyo, Japan. Perhaps it would be nice if we paid them a little visit.


	37. HIDE

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I looked to my right, and Taeyong was looking out of the window seat. He seemed to have calmed down immensely.

"I guess we can say it now." He said as he tilted his face towards mine and he looked into my eyes.

"Say what?"

"That everything is going to be alright. Without kidding ourselves."

His face softened up and he leant his head onto my shoulder. I rested my head on top of his and grabbed both of his hands in mine. I could feel him smiling, his cheeks were pressing into my shoulder.

"Everything  _might_  actually be alright... I don't think I was ready to consider that fact." He whispered.

"I'm so proud of you Taeyong," I spoke into his hair, and then I kissed the top of his forehead. I really was proud of him. He had prevailed despite so many odds. He may have cracked a few times, he may have made some questionable decisions, but the entire time, despite all of the curveballs that he had been thrown, despite all of the catastrophic adversity that he endured, he made it through to the other side.

He sat in silence for a while, and I felt him squeeze my hands.

"Thank you, Jung Jaehyun." He lengthened his words and spoke so softly it was almost inaudible.

Somehow, he understood all of the words I was too afraid to say. On that day, the sun was so bright, like it was shining especially for us. In that specific moment, I was overcome with sheer joy - perhaps I was blinded by it and didn't grasp the weight of the situation.

I didn't care if the person sitting next to me thought I was gay, if they thought I was weird, or if the kid sitting behind me asked why two guys looked like they were about to kiss. As the plane took off, our bodies were pressed into our seats as the gravity heightened momentarily. Taeyong squeezed his eyes shut, and I held my breath.

We both looked out the window, peering down at our old lives, watching our problems shrink away. The hideous facades and faces of our past lost their detail as we took to the sky. The streets of Seoul were no longer my home, they were no longer my refuge, and they were no longer my obstacle. The same went for Taeyong.

There was no alibi, no fucking excuse from the actions that we were hiding from. There was no defence behind pulling the trigger, other than the simple explanation that he chose to kill his father instead of me. My fingerprints are on the gun - I share the blame equally; if not, I take the entire blame. But the reasons behind the blood stains are not malicious - the act itself was carried out in the hope of achieving peace... peace for us, but not them...

That day, I felt a change inside of me. I had changed so much as a person since I met Taeyong. I had become stronger, more resilient - because I wasn't the one severely weakened. I was damaged, I'm not denying that; in fact, we both were. Maybe you would even consider me rather weak compared to other people. Albeit, his life was turned upside down and his sanity was severed, therefore I had to be the stronger one. I had to show him that he had someone to depend on. I had to show him that he wasn't the only one who was suffering in the world... but I also had to show him that I could still stand up tall - or as tall as I could muster.

As we continued to watch the plane circle around the city, making its way out of South Korea, Taeyong looked straight ahead of him. Perhaps he couldn't bear watching what he was leaving... Perhaps he felt guilty, flooded with memories, I don't know. We both slept for the remainder of the short flight. We did not exchange one word.

When the plane landed with screeching thud, we both jolted awake. We looked at each other, and suddenly, everything became incredibly real again.  _We were in Japan_. We slipped through customs easily, without attracting any attention to ourselves. We didn't have any luggage, so we simply pulled our masks over our faces and made our way out of the airport. We didn't exchange our won for yen, so we couldn't get a cab. We decided to get the shuttle bus to the city centre, where we agreed we would be able to find accommodation quickly enough. We arrived in the city at about mid-afternoon. We blended seamlessly into the streets of Tokyo - nobody gave us a double take or looked at us strangely - although, I felt that my body was covered with all of my secrets for the world to see. If your sins were written on your body with black ink, tattooed on you, etched into it forever, what would you have to hide?

We took to the streets of Tokyo, walking around in what felt like circles for hours, trying to find somewhere cheap to say. In the end, we gave in and headed downtown. Taeyong and I stopped at a sign that was pointing down an alleyway, that had a neon animation of a bed and a cup of coffee on it, and we exchanged a nod. We made our way down the dark lane and into the reception and lowered our masks. We couldn't speak a  _word_  of Japanese. Taeyong cleared his throat nervously and straightened himself up.

"Hi, do you speak Korean?"

The receptionist looked at us with a confused stare. She shook her head and shrugged.

"Hangul... Hanguk? .... anything?" He tried again.

A door opened behind her, and out came a man who looked slightly older than us. He exchanged a few words with the receptionist and then smiled at us warmly.

"Hey. South Koreans, huh? What brings you to Japan?"

"We moved here. Starting fresh, actually." Taeyong chirped. The Japanese man reached out and shook our hands.

"My name is Yuta. I lived in Korea for a while, I studied over there actually. In Seoul. How can I help you?"

"We need a room."

"How long do you intend on staying here?"

"Indefinitely."

"This is a motel but we do rent out our rooms for prolonged periods of time."

"How much rent are we talking?"

"90 000 yen a month."

"What?" I said in shock.

"About 900 000 won," Yuta said.

"We... we cant afford that." Taeyong muttered in defeat.

"Maybe this isn't the place, Taeyong," I whispered into his ear from behind him, and tugged the back of his shirt, trying to get him to leave.

"I can do you guys a deal?"

"Yeah... just until we get on our feet... is that okay?"

"No problem. What about 40 000 yen per month?"

"That seems... reasonable enough. Thank you so much." Taeyong smiled at him kindly.

"I'll show you guys a room. Payment is due at the end of the month. My mother here will work it all out for you."

"We don't want a big room, just give us the cheapest one you got."

Yuta led us up a dark stairwell, and about three flights up, we exited into a corridor with old looking carpet, filled with the smell of old wood. It certainly wasn't a 5-star establishment. The exterior had dark water stains on them and was made out of bland concrete. Yuta turned the key in the door and opened it, and let us walk in before him. He handed Taeyong the key, before turning on the light. They flickered on with a buzz.

"This is the best I can do for you guys, without making my mother suspicious. I'll take good care if you, though. I'm always at the reception, so if you need anything, just pick up the phone and dial 1 or come down for a chat."

"You're too kind... thank you, Yuta, was it?"

"Nakamoto Yuta. And you are?"

"Nam Sangwoo and Han Yoon-oh," Taeyong said without hesitation. He was always the one who was better at negotiating, better at doing the talking, because I always stuttered like a fool when I was nervous.

"Nice to meet you guys. Welcome to Japan! See ya round." Yuta smiled and closed the door. He seemed like a cool enough guy that we could trust. He had a handsome face and he dressed plainly.

Taeyong stood observing the apartment for a moment. It really wasn't much, but it was finished and even had an old tv and a couch for us to use. Taeyong whipped around and hugged me. He pressed his face into my chest and clutched my waist. I held him to my body as tightly as I could without crushing his frail physique. I closed my eyes...

"We're safe now," I said.

"I know... I'm so happy Jaehyun. Thank you for trusting me." He lamented as he pulled out of the hug and flashed me a teary smile. We walked around the rest of the apartment, holding each other's hand. We were grinning like idiots like we had just won the lottery.

Things seemed to run almost  _too_  smoothly. We stumbled into an apartment block and someone spoke Korean, who was near our age and was willing to make us a generous deal until we found stable jobs. It was so overwhelming...

"I think I should write to my father." I blurted. Taeyong did not retort.

"I just... don't think that's a good idea, not right now. We're safe, but we still have to lurk in the shadows for a while... just to be sure."

"Even if I sent him a letter?"

"With our address on it?"

"No, of course not. I can use international post stamps so it won't even be able to be traced to Japan."

"Jaehyun, but what about the stamps they put on it at the post office?"

"Are you saying that the mafia is really going to track my fathers'  _mail?_ "

"I wouldn't be surprised, Jaehyun."

"D-do... do you think he's safe?" I asked him like he somehow knew my father's fate.

"I really don't know. I hope so. He didn't do anything wrong."

"I just hope... I hope that he's okay... fuck..."

"You can write to him in a few months, maybe even a few weeks, I promise. I just... don't want to fuck this up."

"Okay... okay."

I knew what Taeyong was thinking... I could see it written in his eyes. Why are you so attached to the man who fucked you and neglected you for years on end? To this day, I still can't answer that question. Perhaps because he was one of the only family members that I had left... perhaps because he was the only evidence that I could hold onto of my life in Seoul, my old self, my old house...

Images of my old life swirled around my mind. How was Lucas? Ten? Mark? Did they know what happened? Would they be suspicious? Would they approach the police? All of these unanswered questions made me dizzy. My euphoria had promptly morphed into uncertainty.

_Was my father even alive?_

"Are you okay, Jae?"

"I'm fine. I just need to sit down for a second." I slumped on the old grey couch and put my head in my hands. I felt like I was going to faint. My vision almost faded to black, and I felt all colour and life drain out of my face. Taeyong paced over to me and pushed me back on the couch.

"Fuck... Jae... what's wrong?"

"I-I'm just... over... whelmed. I'm sorry... I'm fine, really." I went to stand up and go to the bathroom, but he pushed me back down, forcing me to lie down. For once, it was me that appeared to be losing the plot. I heard Taeyong's feet pace across the floor and fill up a cup of water. He came back over to me, lifted my head up, and lifted it up to my lips.

"You've been so busy taking care of me I think you forgot to take care of yourself."

"It's fine." I managed.

"I'm so fucking sorry Jaehyun... I'm so so so sorry... for doing this... You will be able to write to your father eventually, I promise. Maybe we can even write to our friends, who knows."

I parted my eyes, and Taeyong was looking down at me with a concerned facade. His red, messy, oily hair was falling in front of his forehead.

"I'd do anything for you and you know that."

Taeyong sat on the couch, and I rested my head on his lap. He caressed my forehead with his surprisingly warm touch. I fell asleep within minutes. I was confused, overwhelmed, happy, sad, longing, uncertain, all at the same time. I don't think my body knew how to react. All I did know was that there was no place I would rather be if it meant that I could be with Taeyong.


	38. WOUNDS

_He’s been slithering through while you were slipping away._  
You did him wrong, darling, didn’t you?   
You’ve been quivering too.   
Darling, didn’t you ever wonder why his touch felt so cold?   
Aveline, when you shudder is it me?   
Aveline, now he’s begging you,   
“Let us bleed, Aveline. None shall tend to these wounds I have sown.

~

 

**_JACKSON’S POV_ **

“So, Doyoung. Do you know what we have to tell her?”

“Nothing about Jaehyun. Nothing about the murder.” Doyoung said intensely.

“Correct. Let me do most of the talking, and make sure you follow my lead.”

“Always, Sajang.”

I walked over to the entryway, took a deep breath, and straightened my back, and pulled down on my suit before opening the heavy hotel door.

Doyoung and I asked Wei Ren to meet us at our hotel in Busan so we could discuss the events that had unfolded. She walked into our hotel room nervously, clutching her purse to her chest. Her youthful, plump face was laced with concern laced with apprehension.

“Welcome, thank you for coming with such short notice.”

“It's fine… is Taeyong okay?” She said as he came into the light, and I closed the door behind her. I took her purse and her coat and she sat down in the lounge area. It was late at night, and the moon was shining brightly. All of Busan seemed to be asleep; I used to take to these streets that once felt so alive... now, it was almost eerily quiet. 

“I cant promise that he’s okay, but he’s alive.”

“Ugh, _thank god_. So, where is he?” she sighed in relief. 

I rubbed my hands together and sat down, ready to get down to business.

“We’ve located him in Japan.” 

“Whereabouts in Japan?”

“Tokyo.”

“Why Japan, though? Has he got family over there? Friends, perhaps?” she inquired curiously. 

“No… nobody that we know of. I guess he just wanted to get away.”

“Poor, poor Taeyong… did you find out who killed his father?”

“Not yet, the investigation is ongoing, but we think it was someone from inside.”

“You mean, someone inside your organisation?”

“Yes, unfortunately. They left little to no evidence, and we have no alibis. It’s a very unfortunate situation, but… we’re trying our hardest to bring Mr Lee to justice.”

“That's… terrible… I'm so sorry.” She covered her mouth with a delicate hand. 

“Don't be sorry at all… how's Mr Myong?”

She paused and sniffled, and wiped her teary eyes. She shivered when I mentioned his name.

“He is hanging on by a thread.” She managed.

“I'm so sorry to tear you away from your duties.”

“It's not like anything I could do could make him better… perhaps its good that I have this as a distraction.”

“That's one way to look at it, Wei Ren.”

I handed her a tissue and she blew her nose and slumped back into the couch, and crossed her flawless arms across her chest.

“Anyways… have you made any contact whatsoever with Taeyong?” She shifted the topic back to the fact of the matter.

“No. Despite all our attempts, he seems to have discarded his phone.”

“So? He must have bought a new one. Track that.” She said smartly.

“He hasn’t bought a new one. His credit card hasn’t been used since his father's death.”

“Isn’t that a bit… suspicious?” She cocked her head to the side and her eyes narrowed.

I gulped slightly.

“It is suspicious, but he is obviously being very careful… he clearly does not want to be found.”

“You can say that again. So. What can I do to help?”

“We need you to go to Japan… we’re working on finding his location and then we will get you to go and speak to him.”

“Just refresh my memory, Jackson… why me?” 

“Because he trusts you.” 

“So, you're implying that he doesn't trust you?”

“I'm implying that you're gentle and caring. Perhaps seeing you will remind him what he’s left behind.”

“I suppose you’re right… so, what you're trying to say is that I'm someone that he won’t run from?”

“We hope.” Doyoung interjected.

“Precisely.” I confirmed.

“Okay, I'll do it. But there’s a catch.”

“And what may that be?”

 _What now?_ I thought.

“When and  _if_  we find him… when we get back to Korea, I want his safety to be guaranteed. And I want our relationship to be made official. I want him to be with me.”

“That was the underlying plan all along. So I guess we have a deal.”

“I guess we do. How long do you think you will take to find him?”

“Another day, maximum. You’re welcome to stay in one of the rooms here in the meantime. Is there anything I can get you?”

“Vodka. And a cigarette.” She demanded. 

 

**_TAEYONG’S POV_ **

I woke up with Jaehyun still fast asleep in my lap. I got up, and gently rested his head back down on the couch. He didn't even part his eyelids. My poor baby was so tired… I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I must have been sweating while I was sleeping because I felt like my entire body was wet with splotches of sweat.

I walked into the bathroom to have a shower. I stretched and yawned.

When I faced the mirror, I was covered with blood. My hands were completely coated in it. It was dripping onto the bathroom tiles like I had just dipped my hands into a bucket of pigs blood. Under my clothes, I could see that it was starting to soak through. I gasped, and ripped my shirt off, and threw it on the floor. I observed my body for any open wounds, but there was absolutely nothing. I paced away from the mirror, but my head darted back up when I realised that my own reflection was staring back at me with an evil grin. I looked bony and terrible... was that really me?

“So… what did you do this time?” He said… I said…

“W-what?” I stuttered.

I looked down and ran my hand over the sprays of blood covering my torso.

“Who are you?” I added.

“I am you.”

“N-no you’re not.” I choked and shook my head.

I made my way closer to the mirror, and it was like I was looking at a monitor. I raised my hand up, and he did as well, but when I looked down to observe him, his eyes remained fixed on me.

I turned on the tap and ran my hands under boiling water. The blood would not wash off. I scrubbed it furtively, in a sheer panic, but it would not budge. I was stained with it. I pumped soap onto it and tried scrubbing my hands with all of my might, I scratched it with my nails, nearly tearing off my skin.

“Your efforts are pointless… you have blood on your hands, Taeyong.”

“I-I don't understand… whats happening!”

“Its all your fault… you did this. You know what’s happening.”

I grabbed my shirt and tried to soak up the blood off my body, to no avail.

“You can scrub as hard as you want, Taeyong. Its with you now.”

“Whats with me! What’s with me, for fuck's sake!”

Instead of retorting, he erupted into a manic laughter. I stripped my pants off, and I could see blood dripping down my legs like I had an open wound somewhere like my body was creating the blood by itself - but I felt no pain anywhere. Was it even my blood?

“You're a sinner, not a saint, Taeyong.” He said as he attempted to calm down his laughter. “So stop trying to be otherwise.” His countenance suddenly hardened, and he, or I, furrowed his eyebrows. I hit the mirror as if it would hurt him. I erupted into tears.

“I know whats real! I know whats real!” I convinced myself. 

“It won’t be long now… oh, you did him wrong, darling, didn’t you?”

“Did who wrong? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?”

“Let us bleed Taeyong… let us bleed. No one will tend to the wounds that you have sown…”

“NO! NO!” I smashed my clenched fists onto the mirror shattering it completely, cutting my hands, making them sting. Shards of the mirror landed on the floor with a crash… but I could still hear him laughing. I shrieked and continued to wash my hands, I turned on the tap, making the hot water run pure, and I scrubbed my burning, stinging hands under them once again.

“TAEYONG!”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” I yelled, my voice cracking like a prepubescent boy.

“TAEYONG, STOP!”

I felt a hand on my shoulder. My body whipped around, and my soul leapt out of my body when I was greeted with myself, yet again, smirking at me smugly. I fell to the floor, and pushed myself into the corner, and screamed at the top of my lungs in an attempt to drown out my own voice. I pressed my hands into my face, too frightened to look up, even for a moment.

“TAEYONG, STOP, YOU’RE SCARING ME!”

I felt my hands being torn away from my face with a tight grip on both of my wrists. This time, I was greeted with Jaehyun’s face. I quivered and attempted to speak, but no words formulated on my lips. I let out a shriek when I realised it was him, not me - or whoever it was that I saw before. I was so fucking confused. I looked around the bathroom for any evidence of the blood that I had just seen, but there was nothing there. Absolutely nothing.

All that remained was drips of sweat, and my stinging hands, laced with scratches and cuts as evidence of my attempt to get rid of the blood.

“It was there! It was there!”

“Stop, Tae, stop! Please!”

I pushed myself away from Jaehyun and looked in the sink. All that was there was clear running water. I turned off the taps. He attempted to grab my hands that were nearly torn to shreds, but I pushed him away. I looked behind the shower curtain, in attempt to find the person that I thought was me.

Nobody was there…  _nobody_.

I collapsed to the floor, but before I could land, Jaehyun pulled me up into a tight embrace.

“What happened now?” He whispered softly in my ear.

“I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!”

“Just please stop… my god, please stop…”

“It's not me! It's not me! And it won’t stop! It won’t stop…” I whimpered helplessly.

_**JAEHYUN’S POV** _

“Show me your hands.” I took Taeyong’s shaking hands in mine. They were bleeding, and they had open wounds all over them. They were red raw and burnt from the boiling water, which was still steaming in the sink.

He looked down at them in disbelief, and then back up at me.

“I didn't mean to… I thought they were covered with blood.” 

“This isn’t the first time… what you said to me… how I slipped through your hands, and there was blood everywhere? Is it a recurring dream?”

“This time I was fucking awake, Jaehyun.”

"Just… come with me.”

I dragged him into the kitchen and sat him down on the counter. We had no medical supplies or anything to disinfect his wounds with. Luckily, they were not that deep. I decided that they would be best to heal on their own. I grabbed some paper towel after finding it in one of the cupboards. I ran it under cold water and wrapped them over his hands, and I pressed it down. He winced in pain.

“Why did you break the mirror?” I asked as calmly and as nonchalantly as I could muster.

“I… saw someone who wasn’t me in there. But it was me.”

I looked at him in utter confusion.

“I don't really think there's any point in me trying to explain to you.” He added upon judging my gaze.

“So you want me to just pretend that it didn't happen? Is that what you want?” I cocked my head to the side.

“Don't get angry at me Jaehyun.” He said while shaking his head.

“I'm not angry, but you have to help me understand, Taeyong… what is going on inside your head? please… help me try and understand.”

“ _You_   _won’t_   _understand_.” He stressed.

I sighed and paused in thought.

“I said that you wouldn’t understand me… I said that you wouldn’t understand my pain, the pain that if felt… when my father was fucking me. but at least me telling you about it helped you grasp what the hell was going on. Do you get it, Taeyong?”

“Yes.” He said in a defeated tone.

“So fucking help me understand what the  _fuck_  is going on with you.”

“But… I don't even understand it.”

I was so frustrated. I felt it boil up inside of me. I gripped his face in my hands. I broke out in tears. he tried to push me away again, and he jumped down off the counter. I wouldn’t let him be away from me. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. It hurt me so much to see him like this. Just when I thought we got away from it all. It was creeping back upon us like a wolf on the prowl in the dead of night.

“Please… please… let me help you… please… don't push me away...”

I grabbed him from behind and rested my lips on his nape.

He began tearing up again, and we were both crying freely. We were utterly overcome by all of it. If I could take all of the pain for him, I would.

“I don't know whats going on! I don't know whats happening to me!” he cried and knelt over in pain.  


	39. TETHER

"I don't know whats going on! I don't know whats happening to me!" he knelt over and cried in pain.

Taeyong's voice was raised. I put a hand over his mouth in a struggle to contain his cries. his bare body was contorting violently in my grip. his entire being was covered with a cold sweat.

"HELP!" He screamed. I whispered a placid hush in his ear. I kept clutching him from behind, not willing to let him go. I walked him into the bedroom and directed him down to lie down on the futons in our new bedroom, which was remarkably stark and void of any furniture. His eyes were red and his cheeks were stained with tears. He looked so pale, like all of the life had been drained out of him. He covered his face with his arms and breathed in a frenzy. His ribs were protruding under his skin, revealing themselves to a terrifying extent in the dimly lit room when he inhaled. Almost every muscle in his body was tensed, I could see the fibres of his thighs flexing as he shifted his legs from side to side restlessly, turning his side to side, sobbing uncontrollably.

I had no idea what to do anymore. I didn't think that there was anything that I could do or say that could make him feel even remotely better. I used to think that I was his cure because he was mine. Maybe I was his cure... but maybe he became immune to my consultations.

To me, he was the pill that I had to swallow each morning; I couldn’t go a day without it. It's a shame I wasn't that person for him... I felt racked with guilt that what I may have said before, about me sending a letter to my father, got him thinking about all kinds of stuff; perhaps his defences were raised yet again. Perhaps I raised unnecessary worry after a stressful and potentially diabolical day. Taeyong was clinging to his sanity by a tether. The tether was then severed - it was like he was spiralling down into a hellish realm completely separate from our objective reality. 

 _"So whenever, you ask me, again..."_  I sang, somehow... my hand moved to his forehead, and I brushed his sweaty hair out of the way, revealing his flawless skin. My voice trembled slightly.

_"How I feel... please remember... my answer is you..."_

Taeyong looked up at me with parted eyes and an empty glare, his bottom lip quivering as he did so.

 _"Even if we have to go around a long way, I will still feel the same…”_  I attempted to sing louder and clearer as I could see that Taeyong’s breathing calmed down, and a final tear rolled down his cheek.

 _“We’ll be alright… I want to try again.”_  I finished with a smile which felt remarkably out of place and obscure. Taeyongs lips parted and his countenance softened marginally.

“So, I have to cry to get you to sing to me?” He sassed, despite the sombre state that he was in. I giggled at his audacious remark.

“Yes. Its the only way I'll ever do it.” I said sarcastically.

“Asshole,” he said slowly, just above a whisper. His lips curled up slightly, but his eyes were still riddled with pain.

I pulled the blanket at the end of the futon over Taeyong, and he didn't resist my efforts to take care of him.

“I'm going to go and get some food, okay? You need to eat.”

“Don’t go… I’m scared. I'm scared of myself, Jaehyun.”

“Just go to sleep and ill be back before you know it.”

“I don't want to be alone.”

“I don't think you should be leaving the apartment right now, so I have to go and you have to stay. Nothings going to happen here, and nothing will happen again. Think about something that makes you happy.”

“I want to go to the creek, Jaehyun,” he said with a sedated whisper. 

“Think about the creek… the warm water… the sun… the end of summer in Seoul… okay?” 

"Okay… will you be quick?”

"As quick as I can." 

"15 minutes? Do you promise?" 

“127%.” I leant over and kissed him on the cheek. I got up, grabbed my wallet, and slipped my shoes on. I grabbed the keys and ran down the flight of stairs. I slipped out of the reception without drawing any attention to myself.

I had to be as quick as possible. my eyes were still stinging slightly from my salty tears coming into contact with the wind. I found the nearest convenience store and made my way inside. I grabbed pre-cooked rice, some meat, and a lot of snacks. It felt like forever since we had eaten a proper meal. Of course, I grabbed a bottle of alcohol as well. I went to the atm and exchanged all of our money for yen, and then went over to the counter. The cashier said something I couldn’t understand, so I just shook my head and smiled at her Kindly. I felt so out of place in this new country that I now had to call my home. Somehow Taeyong and I would have to learn Japanese and find a job here… if we didn't, we were in dire straits…

I walked back to our apartment block as quickly as I could, breaking out into a light jog. I smiled at Yuta who was now sitting down at the reception.

“I need to speak to you later. When are you free?” I said abruptly.   
  
“Like I said, I'm always here. I'm taking night shift, id actually appreciate it if you kept me company.”

“Thanks, ill see you in a few hours.”

“See you then.” He smiled and hid his face under his book.

I ran up the stairs, nearly tripping on my way. I unlocked the door, and Taeyong was in the exact same place that I left him, thank god. Albeit, he was sitting up with his legs folded at his side. I placed the bags on the counter, and took off my jacket and slung it around his shoulders. I helped him to his feet and led him into the kitchen. He strolled over to the table for two near the window. He sat down and looked out. I turned on the sole heater in our entire apartment, which we would have to rely on as the cold night set in.

I put the food in the microwave and pressed a few buttons. I grabbed bowls from the cupboard and rinsed the dust off them, and dried them with paper towels. I placed them, along with some cutlery and our table. I grabbed the bottle of miscellaneous alcohol and placed it in front of Taeyong. He twisted the cap off gently and took a sip, closing his eyes, enjoying the poignant taste of the poison. The microwave beeped, and I grabbed the food out and placed it on the table. I reached up and pulled the dome light that was hanging above the table.

“We’re on a date,” I said.

“Where are we?” Taeyong asked, following my lead.

“Wherever you want it to be.”

“Paris.”

“Paris it is then, monsieur.” I served him some remarkably un-Parisian cuisine and he tucked into it instantly. I gave him slightly more than me because he desperately needed it. I took the bottle from Taeyong and took a swig. The taste was sweet - the sting of alcohol was barely noticeable.

“Who knew they had grape alcohol in Japan?”

“You mean France.”

“I mean, this wine is delicious…”

Taeyong shook his head and laughed. I felt his foot up against mine, and he caressed it gently.

“We will have to send Lucas and ten a postcard.”

“Of course… what would you say to them?”

“I would say that the weather over here is beautiful and that they should pay us a visit sometime. I would say that we’re staying in a sandstone villa in the French countryside. I would say that we eat our own eggs and drink vintage wine… I would say that the beach isn’t far away, and I would say that the water is so clear and clean, nothing like the shit in Busan.”

“Sounds lovely,” I remarked.

“Not when you have an entirely foreign language to learn.”

“I heard French isn’t that hard.”

“I'm talking about Japanese.”

“So we’re back to that now.”

“We cant stay like that forever, as much as I would like to…”   
  
“I get it.”

“Sorry to spoil the mood.”

“Maybe Yuta can teach us Japanese?” I shifted the mood back to the one that Taeyong evidently so desired.

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea… it's just that I was thinking about it, and… I just think we should keep our distance from him.” Taeyong hesitated. 

“W-why? He could really be useful to us, and he seems like a nice guy.”

“We cant reveal anything to him. We’re going to have to invent a whole backstory. He cant know that I love you, either.”

“I know, but… don’t you think you’re being a bit extreme?”

“What if he knows people from the Yakuza? What if he’s heard of my father? What if he somehow finds out our real names? He said he used to live in Seoul, so I wouldn’t be supr-“

“Relax, Taeyong. relax. This is why we moved here. We can trust Yuta.”

“Just… give me the damn bottle.”

_**YUKHEI’S POV** _

“ _And for our final story of the evening, two teenage boys based in Seoul were reported missing by their high school, Seoul grammar, after 5 consecutive absences were recorded with no explanation given by their parents. Their parents' identities remain unknown to our sources._

 _Stay tuned tomorrow_ ….”

I was sitting on the couch when I found out. Ten was next to me, talking to his mother on the phone. When he saw the news, his phone slipped out of his hand, and he retrieved it from the ground expeditiously. We exchanged a glare perpetuated by confusion and shock. We hadn’t heard from Jaehyun and Taeyong for about 5 days, so we just thought that they were sick, or taking time off… but they were reported  _missing_ … what was even more curious, is that they were reported missing by our school, not their parents or any other family.

“Missing? What the fuck?” Ten remarked.

“I knew something was wrong.. that’s so unlike Jaehyun… He just… left.”

“Maybe he will be back soon? They always turn up in the end.”

“The… the thing that he said about Taeyong.”

“What did he say?”

“Don’t you remember? He said that he was in a lot of trouble with father, and you got angry.”

“Oh, of course… I didn’t really think anything of it.”   
  
“Isn’t something adding up here, Chi?”

“What adds up?”   
  
“I think Taeyong and Jaehyun might be in danger.”

“Don’t be dramatic, maybe they just ran away. Maybe something happened with one of their families, and this is their way of saying a big  _fuck_   _you_. Pretty badass if you ask me." 

“But why do you think they ran away so suddenly? Jaehyun never talked about doing anything like that.”

“Like I said, its just a teenager thing to do. As if you’ve never thought about running away.”

“Not unless something was wrong.” I defended.

“Well, what do you want to do from here on out?” 

“I think we should go to the police, obviously!”

“But, Yukhei… Taeyong’s father… and Taeyong himself.  _The_   _mafia_. Do you really want to get involved?”

“That’s it. That's it! Its the mafia!” 

“You think the mafia kidnapped them?”   
  
“Something like that… we have to tell someone. Maybe we should go and visit Jaehyun’s house.”

“If you're wrong about this whole thing and if they turn up at school tomorrow, I'm going to kill you.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my car keys. Ten followed me outside with a huff. I drove as fast as I could to Jaehyun’s house, which was only a few blocks away. Ten and I got out, and he folded his arms. He obviously wasn't impressed.

I paced up the front steps and knocked on the front door. Ten dragged himself behind me. The door opened, and I was greeted by a very dishevelled Mr Jung.

“Oh hello, Luc-…..” He hesitated without finishing.

“Hello, sir… we just heard about the news.”

“Oh, you did? That's nice.”

“Sorry?”

“I thought they just went away.”

“Ahah, yeah… is everything okay, Mr Jung?”

Suddenly, I felt uneasy. Mr Jung widened his eyes and shook his head slightly. My heart rate increased and ten grabbed my wrist as I went to walk into the house behind Mr Jung. he shook his head. He returned with a piece of paper with a message scrawled on it, and he and handed it to me.

 _"I don't know what happened, but they got Jaehyun. there are microphones in this house. Leave now, I am sorry._ ” I panicked. I looked up at Mr Jung who was looking at me and nodding for me to leave his premises. He closed the door on my face. I stumbled back, and I ran out of the gate and back into the car. Ten was close behind me. Before he could say anything, I shoved the note into his hand. He read it and his jaw swung open.

“ _Oh my god._ ” 

 


	40. JOKE

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I tucked Taeyong into bed, said goodnight, and he fell asleep within minutes. He looked so serene while he was sleeping. He slept with his lips in a pout, which separates at middle. His eyelashes rested on his cheeks gently. His frown disappeared, and for once, he looked at peace.

I decided to go down to the lobby and see Yuta.

I walked down the stairs with a spring in my step. He greeted me with a wide, friendly grin, and I leaned on the counter. He was very casual, like an old friend. I couldn't help but compare him to someone like Lucas or Mark. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia. I supressed it as quickly as it materialised. There was no use in looking back now.

"Hey man. Do you know any job vacancies around here?"

"Of course. Building businesses are always looking for labourers. I could call for you and see."

"Wow... that's perfect for us."

"Im only saying that because you cant speak any Japanese so youre going to have to use your bodies instead of your minds."

"But... I was wondering if you could help us with that."

"I was wondering when you'd ask. Of course. Anything to help a new friend of mine."

I was taken aback by his kindness. Perhaps it felt unsettling because I knew very well what crimes we had committed, and what atrocities we had endured in the subsequent days... and he didnt have a clue.

"To say that im thankful is an understatement."

"Its nothing... come and take a seat."

He patted a desk chair beside him, and I sat down. He offered me a cigarette which I politely refused.

"So... what's the real reason you came to Japan?" He added and then blew out his cigarette smoke, as if he had just read my thoughts.

"Taeyong is my... boyfriend. We left because... because his family was not willing to accept us."

"Im so sorry about that. I could see it in your eyes, the way you looked at him. What you have must be really special."

"I guess you could say that... I just wanted to be with him without feeling like we were constantly being... constantly being..."

"Told to be something other than what you are?" He interjected.

"Exactly. I just want to live an authentic life."

"You're very brave. We will accept you here."

"Thank you... It's scary. We left all of a sudden, without any warning, without telling anyone. We just wanted to get away."

"I know what you mean. You always want what you're running from. I know I do."

"That's the way my life seems sometimes."

"Its human nature. The forbidden fruit in the garden of eden always tastes sweeter."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because... it just does... to contain human desire in a box like that. Its illogical."

He paused in thought for a moment.

"I wanted someone so badly... he was so undeniably perfect, but he was still in high school at the time, and I was in college. His parents were very strict... I don't think he was allowed to date, not to mention dating a guy. We would never work out. I knew that I had to come back to Japan, but it didnt make me want him any less."

"He?"

"Yeah. He."

Yuta seemed so smart and so relatable. He also seemed to have an unshakeable affliction towards men as well. My trust for him increased as the seconds passed.

He and I talked for hours. He told me all about his life in south Korea, and how he studied at the university in Seoul on an exchange program. He said that he was studying psychology, but he had to stop pursuing his studies to help out with managing the apartments.

When I felt my eyelids starting to get heavy, I shook Yuta's hand and thanked him for his hospitality and help. He told me that he would call all the construction business he could find as soon as the sun rose. I walked back upstairs, feeling slightly content, like a moderate weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

That wholesome, fleeting feeling was put to shame as soon as I opened the door to our apartment. Taeyong was sitting on the couch, glaring at me, smoking a cigarette. He had dressed himself again and taken a shower, by the looks of his wet, red hair.

"I thought you went to sleep."

"You went to see Yuta." He stated.

"Yes... is something wrong?"

"I thought I told you to stay away from him."

I gulped.

"Taeyong... he's a nice guy. He really wants to help us. He said that he would help get us jobs as labourers and that he would help us learn-"

"I don't care. We don't need his help."

"We need is help, Taeyong. Wether you like it or not."

"Doesnt it seem a little bit suspicious to you? Someone in our apartment building who can speak Korean?"

"No... its just a coincidence Taeyong. Dont look into it too much."

"Just... stay the fuck away from him. It's dangerous."

"Tae, he wants to help us. I promise, he's not a bad person, I don't know what kind of impression you got from him b-"

"STAY THE FUCK AWAY!" He snapped as he stood up.

He frightened me. I jumped slightly. I looked at him in sheer disbelief. I saw a side of taeyong that I thought didnt exist.

"Im going to bed." I shook my head and walked away from him, not willing to initiate an argument. It was a loosing battle.

"Do you  _want_  to get us killed, Jaehyun? Is that what you want?" Taeyong walked into the bedroom behind me.

"Are you fucking  _kidding me_? Why are you being like this? Why arent you trusting me?" I whipped my body around to face him. There were centimetres between us.

"How am I meant to trust you when you're sabotaging us?"

"...W-what?"

I was speechless. Something had turned inside of him, like someone or something had occupied the Lee Taeyong that I always knew... It angered me.

I tapped on his forehead twice with my fingers.

"Hello? Is anyone there? I want to speak to Lee Taeyong. Not whoever... whoever this is."

He pushed me roughly.

"I'm being fucking serious, Jaehyun. Don't take what I say as some kind of joke."

"Like I said, I'm going to bed."

"No you're  _fucking_   _not_. Not until you get the message."

"Fuck off for a minute, have some more alcohol, whatever the fuck you do, and you'll regret saying that shit when you see shit that isn't there and you come crying to me."

I watched the anger boil up in his face. Time seemed to slow down to a near halt. He clenched his fist, and swung it up at my face. I grabbed it, twisted his arm behind him, and slammed his body against the wall. He grunted and gasped.

"I see that you don't like hearing the truth." He sassed. I tightened my grip on his wrists, and he winced.

"Whatever youre doing, stop it. I dont like it. I dont fucking like it."

"And I don't like it when youre being a reckless fucking idiot."

I slammed him into the wall again. I think that it hurt me more than it hurt him. I flung his arms out of my grasp and turned my back on him, unwilling to look at the facade that occupied his body.

"Leave me alone." I ordered as firmly as I could muster. I turned my back on him, wanting to create some distance between us, but he kicked the back of my knees. I floundered onto the futon with a loud thud. I didnt know that he had that strength contained within him.

Taeyong pushed me onto the futon, and turned my body to face him. He climbed on top of me, and straddled my body.

"Im saying this because I love you..." he whispered.

He ran his cold hands over the length of my arms, and pinned my wrists beside my head. I tried to free myself from his grip, but to no avail - this only made him clutch me tighter.

"Dont be scared... I'm sorry for scaring you." He added.

Taeyong pressed himself down on my crotch which made me whimper.

"I-I'm not scared..."

"Stuttering little Jaehyun... of course not, baby..."

He could see right through me. Whatever point he was trying to make, I didn't like it. But his touch still felt so electric, like the Taeyong that I knew so well, or so I thought.

"Don't speak to Yuta again." He said while looking down at me in a stern tone, albeit, his lips were curled up into a slight smirk.

"Or w-what?" I tried to hold my ground.

"You'll be in big,  _big_  trouble..."

"Stop it... stop it..." I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"I just want to protect you... I just want us to be safe, Jaehyun. Dont hate me. I'm sorry..."

"Its fine, just... ugh." I groaned as he began to grind on me. He leaned down, and I felt his warm breath on my neck, and the soft touch of his lips. He began to nibble on my skin, and graze his teeth over my neck. I felt my entire body weaken.

"I don't want to feel the pain any more... I dont want the pain... haven't you had enough?"

And just like that, his demeanour had completely changed. It sent shivers down my spine.

"Yes..." I said as my voice cracked.

"Then dont be so quick to trust people you know nothing about..."

He had successfully manipulated me... Perhaps he was right. I didn't know anything about Yuta. He could have been a criminal, he could have connections to the very people that we worked so hard to distance ourselves from. What if he found out who we were and reported us to the police? Our lives would be over in a flash... I could be locked up, or worse...

Taeyong finally let go of my wrists, and ran his hands under my shirt, along the contours of my body. He stopped at my chest, and spread his hands out over each breast. I looked down at him, and the sight of his touch made me weaken completely. He pulled my t-shirt over my head and set it down.

"I nearly forgot how beautiful you are." I blushed at his flirtatious remark.

Taeyong ran the tips of his fingers along each abdominal muscle, and I couldn't help but tense my muscles.

"Youre still so sensitive, Jaehyun. Nothing's changed." He added. My hands moved up to his shirt, and I pulled it over his head. I pushed his body onto mine, and ran my hand down the centre of his back. I tilted my head up, begging for him to kiss me. In the dark room his lips cast a beautiful shadow, making them look even perkier than usual. His lips grazed over mine, but then he moved down to my neck. I didn't think he was willing to give me what I wanted that easily after what had just unfolded.

"Kiss me." I begged. This made him giggle.

"Not just yet."

I ran my hands down under Taeyong's trousers and clutched his ass in my hands, and circled his cheeks. Taeyong pressed his face against mine has he moaned gently. I grabbed his nape and grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged on it gently.

"Jae... hyun... ah..."

Taeyong couldn't help himself. He slid down my body swiftly, and fiddled with my belt, and slid them out from beneath me. He grabbed my dick out of my boxers and prepared to go down on me.

"No... you dont have to do that."

"Baby, I want to."

"Not right now..."

"Just relax... its fine..."

He started by sucking on the tip of my dick, running the soft, fleshy, warm underside of his lips over it. I leant up, I grabbed his head in my hands and pulled him away.

"Just kiss me...  _please_... I want to kiss you."

"Why? You're so hard, baby."

"I just want to make sure you're still there."

**_JACKSON'S POV_ **

I opened the door in the hotel suite that we dedicated as a study to continue the investigation. As usual, Doyoung was working tirelessly on the case.

"Jackson, just in time. Look at this." He pointed at the monitor. My eyes landed upon two figures.

"At the terminal. A flight to Tokyo, Japan. They're definitely there."

"Great. Anything else?"

"I found this footage of them outside the airport. The security in Japan is suprisingly loose, but very widespread. So, I had no problem in hacking the street cams."

"Should I be impressed?"

"Yes. Of course, the surveillance would increase as you progress downtown, so I started there. And look."

"Its them."

But that's all I found find. It got too dark, and all of the footage was broken and mirky.

"So, they're in downtown Tokyo."

"Yes... but we have one  _little_  problem." Doyoung hesitated.

"What's that?"

"I have no way of finding them using surveillance systems." He said while breaking eye contact with me, as if he was scared of my reaction.

"Its worked like a charm up until now, so why?"

"Motels dont have CCTV. Especially not old ones, like the ones you see on the side here. They look like apartment buildings. Its going to be really hard to narrow down our search... Even if we see them near a specific building, or in a specific area, that could just be because one area has more cameras than another. dare I say it, but we might have to go and look for them ourselves."

"For fucks sake, do you have no way of finding them?"

"Even if the blocks had CCTV systems, they're private, and they run on a private system."

"For fucks sake."

"Im sorry to disappoint you, Sajang. what do you suggest we do from here?"

"Well.... we have to go to Japan. Wei Ren has to come with us. Which is going to be hard because... we cant talk about the case around her."

"It shouldn't be an issue. We already know what we're doing. I'll keep all of this work covert. I can assure you that she won't find out."

"Alright... but what about when it comes down to... killing him?"

"You're the boss..." Doyoung put the entire responsibility on me. It was clearly not his area of expertise.

I sat down next to him and ran my hands through his hair.

"We might have to tell her about Jaehyun."

"No. Are you a fool? Then she won't come! She will know they're lovers!"

I thought I heard footsteps and a disturbance outside our door. My head darted up. I raised a finger, silencing Doyoung.

"Is there someone th-"

"Shhh. I thought I heard..." I whispered. No subsequent sounds ensued.

"I thought I heard someone. Anyways... she can't know. We need her to go in, get Taeyong to leave with her, we will make up some bullshit excuse, I dont know. Then, I need to go in and kill him."

"Why cant you just wait until Jaehyun leaves?"   
"Do you want me to kill him in the middle the street?"

"Oh, right. sorry."

"We have to tap wei ren. But she cant know about it." 

"Of course, Sajang. I have the latest microphones, they can simply be slipped into a pocket. They work using Bluetooth, so no wire needed. I helped develop them, actually. They're foolproof."

"Great. This might end up being easier than I thought. Book three tickets to Tokyo. I want to leave by morning. Dont waste any time. Ill notify Wei Ren."

"Yes, sajang."


	41. ECHOES

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

"What do you mean? I'm here... I'm here... I'll always be here."

"But just then... Who was that?"

"Who?"

"You told me to stay away from Yuta."

"He didn't mean to yell at you."

" _He?_ "

"I didn't mean it."

His words slipped by me like a leaf descending in autumn - silently and without a second thought. I did not linger on the truth. What was the use in trying to understand something that Taeyong himself couldn't grasp? 

We were naked, lying under the blanket. I wasn't willing to ruin the moment with ugly thoughts; with the dismal nature of reality.

We had just fucked... I was filled with a buzzing euphoria, and I was covered with sweat. My whole body felt warm. half of my body was over Taeyong's, and my leg was wrapped around him. I could feel the hair on our legs tickling each other, and my nostrils were filled with his natural scent. I was still trying to steady my breathing. I could feel Taeyong's warm body under mine, and I could feel his arms around me. I had just quenched his thirst without a single care...

I could never talk after fucking him or do anything, for that matter. It took me almost an hour for my hormones to return to a normal level.

"We need to get new clothes."

"Let's go and get some tomorrow."

"No, ill go. You stay here. its dangerous for us to be seen together."

I sat up slightly and looked down at him. He was looking up at me with his vast eyes, that were shimmering in the glow of the moon. He was being serious. He did not take back what he had said. He was getting more and more paranoid and a bit too diligent. I brushed it off; I told myself that he would settle down once we settled in, and things returned to a relative idea of normality, and our days commenced with some sort of rhythm. Not to mention, I wasn't willing to argue with him. It would be better if he went alone, so I wouldn't have to see Yuta again. I also wanted to tell Taeyong about the jobs that Yuta was trying to get for us... but I had to swallow my words.

"Okay." I whispered. "Do you feel okay now?"

"Yeah... It always takes me a while to get over shit like that."

"If you feel yourself slipping into what we will call one of your...  _episodes_ , try and talk to me... try and wake yourself up, try and pull yourself out of it." 

"I... I don't have a proper grip on reality anymore, Jaehyun."

"That's quite a statement you're making there... Why?"

"Because its the only way my brain knows how to cope with trauma."

He couldn't have said it better himself. He his resolve seemed to have returned. The weight of his words clung to me. 

"I know it isn't real, but it feels so fucking authentic, like a memory."

"When it's happening, does it feel real?"

"Yeah. That's the thing. I don't feel myself slip into it... I'm just  _there_. Already, with absolutely no warning."

"I thought it only happened when you dreamt."

"So did I. I cant feel that I'm inside it until I wake up."

"Like, when I snapped you out of it before?"

"Yes... even then, I thought I saw myself instead of you."

"You thought you saw... yourself?"

"Yes."

"Jesus, that must have been terrifying... and I thought I was scared."

"Just tell me it isn't real."

"It's not real Taeyong."

"Tell me that it'll go away."

"Its gonna go away... all of this shit will come to an end. I promise. Your mind is worried. It's thinking of terrible things... I'm not a doctor, but like you said. This is your way of coping."

"How do you cope, Jaehyun? I know it wasn't you who killed him but..."

"I... I don't know."

"Well, you have to be coping somehow."

"I have you. That's how I cope."

"You don't have to lie to me to make me feel better."

"I'm not lying."

"I guess I can say the same thing. I don't know where I'd be without you, even though I'm batshit crazy." He finished with an out of place laugh.

We sat in silence for a few moments. I rested my head on his chest, and he ran his hands through my hair.

"Thank you for staying by me when you have every reason to leave." He whispered into my hair.

"I don't want to be anywhere else."

"I told you that you don't have to lie."

"Okay, I don't exactly want to be in Japan in an old apartment, unemployed, in a country where I don't speak a word of the language, but I'm still here with you. That's good enough for me."

"That's more like it."

Even though he scared me, even though, for the first time his duplicitous nature was unveiled... perhaps I knew that the veil was thin; transparent... I could tell by his gaze, how it could so quickly shift. Perhaps angels and devils could be the same person. Perhaps heaven and hell were the same places. I can't forget all the things that he said. I believed it all. His words settled within me like dust in an abandoned home, like I imagined the dust would be settling in my bedroom. When the violent gale creaked through the walls, we still hailed the night. Even though the sky was crying blood, I still embraced him - I still felt the metallic taste on my lips. The way he stripped me down, and waited for my fall...

 _It didn't make me want him any less._  I repeated Yuta's words in my mind.

I considered myself for a moment. I was so quick to identify the multiple masks that Taeyong wore... and for the first time, I realised that I was doing it myself - perhaps to a lesser extent. I always put on a mask, wherever I went, no matter what I did. I sometimes snapped, and after the fact, I wouldn't be able to recognise myself or explain my actions. 

We fell into a deep sleep without any warning. Taeyong slept through the night undisturbed; at least I was left under that impression. When I woke, I felt the cold air against my bare body. I kissed Taeyong awake. He forced his eyes open. on that day his eyes looked normal. I could see my reflection in his glassy, black retinas. His eyes smiled, which told me good morning. He sat up, groaned and yawned. I lied back down, letting myself wake up.

I felt his body on top of mine, and I heard him giggle. He threw the covers over our heads and I hugged his body to mine tightly. He kissed me passionately and pulled away. He looked down at my face. He was smiling like an idiot.

"What?" I giggled.

"Nothing."

"Are you okay? You know... down there?" I asked.

"You fucked me so damn hard. Of course not."

"I'm sorry."

"I haven't topped for a while. You took to topping so well."

"I guess I'm just a natural," I said sarcastically, making an effort to flirt with him. "I like hearing you moan under me," I whispered shamelessly.

This evidently made him very excited. He pressed his cheek against mine and nibbled my ear. I closed my eyes and tried to contain my moan. Taeyong rested his entire body weight on me, applying pressure to my crotch.

"Not right now... we have things to do." I managed.

In response, Taeyong propped himself up on his hands and placed them beside me, and began to grind on me. He concaved his back and rolled his head back.

"Nng... ugh... stop." I begged. 

"Just a little more... just for a little while..." he mumbled. He moved his hands up to my nipples and ran them alongside the inside of his fingers.

I sat up against the wall pulled him on top of me which made him moan uncontrollably. I felt his arms around my neck, resting on my shoulders. His dick was already slick with precum. I grabbed his length in my hands and darted to jerk him off, slowly, firmly, just how he liked it. He looked down at my hands and he squeezed my shoulders in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure that was evidently building within him. I rubbed his inner groin with my hand. As he approached his climax, and as I picked up the pace slightly, he grabbed my head in his hands and pressed his lips onto his forehead. I could feel the flustered warmth emanating from his skin. I kept my head down, remaining focused on pleasuring him.

As he came, he wailed. His cry echoed around the room and echoed through me.

"Shhh... we have neighbours..."

"Ugh... fuck... when did you become so fucking good .... So fucking good at that?" 

"I learnt from the best."

I pushed him back onto the futon and licked the cum off his shaft.

"Ok... enough, enough."

"Why should I listen to you when you don't listen to me?"

"You're right. We have things to do."

"My dick is as hard as a rock." I sassed. 

"Save your cum for me baby. I'll fuck you so hard tonight you're going to regret-"

We were interrupted by a knock at the door. Taeyong's eyes widened, and the colour drained out of his face.

"W-Who could that be?" I asked him as if he had the answer. 

I knew that I had to be the one to answer the door, as he almost froze in his place. I darted up, and almost tripped as I went to grab my pants. I looked back, and Taeyong was standing at the threshold of our bedroom door with the blanket wrapped around his body. I peered through the peephole of the door and sighed when I realised it was uniformed girls selling cookies.

I opened the door. He saw who they were, and I thought he would be relieved. But the opposite reaction occurred.

"NO!"

 _"Kon'nichiwa!"_  They chirped in unison.

Taeyong sprinted over to me and slammed the door in their faces with all his might. He collapsed by the door. He reached up and locked it.

"Really?" Was all that I could say. I couldn't help but smile... they were little girls... not Jackson.

"They could be spies sent by the mafia! Didn't you ever learn how in world war two the nazi's used children to spy suspected heretics?"

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry."

"Its 'kay."

I helped Taeyong up.

"I'm gonna go out now. Ill get food and clothes and pyjamas."

"Okay baby... are you sure you want to go on your own?"

"127%."

I watched Taeyong get dressed. Before he left, he kissed me on the cheek and smiled.

"I won't be long."

Its like I was watching my husband go off to work, and I was his housewife. Before he closed the door, he wrapped the elastics of a surgical mask around his ears and pulled it over his face. It drew so much attention to his intense eyes. His eyes smiled, and he closed the door.

I missed him already.

**_JACKSON'S POV_ **

I was sitting on the plane on the way to Japan. Wei ren was next to me, sleeping, her head occasionally falling on my shoulder. Doyoung was beside me, nodding off as well. With all of this silence around me, I had so much time to think. Too much time... 

Taeyong and I used to be best friends. We used to go to the creek together after school and we used to sit and talk for hours. He was one of the only people I could relate to because of my ominous reputation. I never used to be like this. I used to be gentle and kind... but the world thought of me otherwise. So why would I continue to try and be someone that I was apparently not? My life was chosen for me... my path was paved for me, and set with cement. It was as clear as day. 

Taeyong and I stopped communicating until the 10th grade. At the creek one day, when we were sunbaking on a rock. I sat up to get a better look at him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I turned my head to look at him... and I felt something inside of me. I didn't like it. I was attracted to him, but I didn't know how to express it. I had no idea how to express any feelings of love or affection; notions that were so undeniably present with him, but absent in every other aspect of my life... To this day it makes me ache.

When he opened his eyes and saw me staring at him, he didn't look away or tell me to stop. He returned my gaze and held it. I felt his hand brush against mine, and he ran the tips of his fingers along my palm. Nobody had ever touched me so tenderly before. His touch reminded me of my mothers, on the odd occasion where she would help me if I fell down and scraped my knee, on the odd occasion where she wasn't smoking a cigarette, looking at me and scowling because I reminded her too much of my father.

As abstractive and out of place as that sounds, he was so gentle, almost like a girl. He leant up, and his eyes darted down to my lips. He was blushing slightly, but he didn't appear to be anxious or flustered at all. He leaned in closer to me, and I won't forget how the sun touched his lips, it lit the faint hair above his lips beautifully, it made them glisten... he leaned in closer to me, and he rested his hand between my thighs. Our lips touched fractionally, but I turned my cheek on him and sighed. I couldn't bring myself to do it. he didn't say anything, he simply lied back down and held my hand, interlinking our fingers.

He didn't retract his movement, or apologise for any reason, or ask me why I did not reciprocate his advance. He accepted me wholly and fully for who I was, even when I was unsure about myself and my place in this world.

A few days later, in the locker rooms, after PE class, we were the last ones getting changed. He watched me strip off my sports uniform, and he studied my body shamelessly. Without warning, he grabbed my face in his hand and he kissed me. I kissed him back. Not because I felt sorry for him, not because I just wanted affection, not because I was confused or hormonal.

I kissed him because I wanted to. I wanted to feel his pale body against mine. I wanted the desire to be fulfilled. It took me months to admit it... but I  _wanted_  to. His lips were just how I had imagined them, and I felt a swelling motion inside me. Tingles ran through my body as he sucked my lips. I hated how much I liked it... because it was so fucking wrong... if anyone found out, I would bring shame upon my whole family and I would have made myself even more of a social outcast. I pushed him away from me roughly, flinging him back on the bench behind him. I shook my head at him. But in reality, I was shaking my head at myself. I hated how he knew that I liked him. I hated how he could read me, I hated how he could see it in my eyes that I wanted him, and I hated how I couldn't hide it.

I avoided him like the plague from that moment forth. I replayed the kiss in my head a thousand times, I spent hours crying, wishing that I could just be his friend again, without him putting these terrible, terrible thoughts in my head. The distance made me insane. I felt like I had lost a part of myself... memories of him were all that remained... all of the functions and parties that we attended in our ill-fitting suits that we never seemed to fill out properly, where we would run off and steal bottles of alcohol, where we would run around the seemingly endless grounds of large houses and be scolded for getting our shoes muddy. On one of those nights, there was a maze at the residence of a very rich man's house. I got lost in it, and I was calling out Taeyong's name. I was worried - I truly thought that I would be stuck there forever. When I saw him, he had just appeared, standing at the end of the corridor, I ran over to him and burst out in laughter, I was so scared that I may have lost him. I didn't even care that I lost myself.

Everything was so innocent back then. Everything seemed so harmless, everything was so pure and wholesome, almost too good to be true. I wouldn't take back those days for anything. Unfortunately, after the kiss, I forced myself to suppress those memories. They do nothing but hold me back. They do nothing but remind me of the person that I am not allowed to be, who I am not, who I will never be. They float back into my consciousness time after time, and I reminisce hesitantly. I am often overcome with emotion, but I swallow it all, and I suppress it back to the depths of my soul, where hopefully, I beg, I pray to god, that they will fade so they can no longer hinder me. I didn't talk about how I felt about him to anyone. It's like we never happened, it's like that abstractive version of myself never existed. If Lee Taeyong taught me anything, it was that I have to hold my head, hold my tongue, and only say what I have to. 

When I saw Taeyong again for the first time in years, he didn't even know that I was working closely with his father. When I saw him, I didn't feel the same about him. I missed him. I will not deny that fact. I missed him because I will always see a part of myself in him. Albeit, it was not the same. I felt cold, almost inhuman when I looked at him. Because I am reminded of what I felt then, and what I feel now, and how much I changed as a person... for the worse, or for the better, I'll leave that up to you to decide. 

I am the non-entity. I am blood, I am guts, I am the absence of morals and tenderness. I am black suits and hair gel, I am fast black cars, I am meeting tables, I am knives and cigarettes. I am not my school uniform, I am not Jackson wang born and raised in Busan, I am not summers by the creek, I am not classroom desks and pens, I am not getting lost in a maze and I am not in love. 

Now, I have my chance. If I get rid of him, I get rid of the memories. If I contain him, if I put him in a box, if I see him stopped, if I see that he is not living the life that I once wanted, I will be able to rest easy again. Until then, I will not rest properly, not even for a moment. I will avenge his father's death, and I will make him pay for tearing my life in two. His voice will hang inside my soul forever, the thought of him will echo within me - a sound that will never waver or fade. If I place him in the box, if I chain it together, if I seal the locks with venom, I will not be able to hear the haunting echoes of my past. 

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

Downtown Japan wasn't exactly a pretty place. Rats ran around in the narrow alleyways and I could hear chefs arguing and smoking outside their restaurants. This entire part of the city seemed to be covered in a thick layer of grime, and petrol fumes hung in the air. My feet splashed in puddles and wet the bottom of my trousers, tinting them a shade of brown. The streets were already buzzing with people, and truck brakes were screeching over the sounds of chirping birds flying overhead, landing on the light posts.

I stopped by a vending machine to get some cigarettes for Jaehyun and I. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned around and jumped slightly. A middle-aged man said something to me in Japanese, and I shook my head and said that I didn't understand in Korean. He sighed and nodded, but he smiled smugly. He said hello in Korean with a Japanese accent. Then, to my surprise, He pulled out a wad of cash, a considerable sum. He looked down at it, then up at me, and winked.

I knew what he wanted to do. 


	42. MONSTER

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

The man grabbed my wrist and we walked a few blocks, and then he pulled me into a hotel. It was fancy and very clean, much nicer than the one we were staying at. I felt nervous... but how could I deny that kind of money? He probably just wanted to give me head or a blowjob. As the receptionist turned around to get a key, he pressed his tongue into his cheek and smirked smugly, revealing his yellowed teeth.

Ok, just a blowjob - I thought. I smiled nervously.

In the room, he closed the door and took off his coat. He advanced towards me like a starved wolf, and pinned me against the wall. I felt his hands all over my chest and my body... he was whispering something that I couldn't understand right against my ear. He slid his hand under my pants and began to rub my dick. I let him. I didn't say anything, I didn't put my hands on him. I was starting to question whether this would be a good idea after all.

I had to let him lead the way.

He groaned and rolled his eyes at my lack of communication, and slammed me down on the bed roughly. He climbed on top of me, and unbuttoned my shirt, and pulled my arms out of it. He slid my pants off, and before I knew it, I was completely naked in front of this perverted stranger.

He undid his belt and collapsed on top of me. He roughly kissed my neck, almost desperately. Then, he planted a wet kiss on my lips, which I had trouble reciprocating. He grabbed my chin in his hands and squeezed it. It evidently turned him on, because I felt his bulge twitch against me. I decided to continue. He pushed me back further onto the bed and flipped me over.

I looked back at him, worried, with furrowed eyebrows. He nodded. He rubbed himself between my ass cheeks. I wasn't expecting us to go this far. Sanity prevailed, and I flipped myself back over and covered my crotch with my hands. I shook my head at him.

"I-I changed my mind. I cant do it."

"No."

He pinned me back down, with ravenous eyes, and climbed back on top of me. He pressed my arms into the bed which made me cry in pain. His touch was so heavy, firm, and tenacious, there was no way that I could escape from beneath his weight.

"Please stop!" I yelled.

"Shhhhh...." He wrapped his hands around my mouth and flipped me around again. He pressed himself into me without warning.

"FUCK!" I yelled into his hand. My hole was tightened and tense, and still hurting from the night before. I felt his hands push my neck downwards, forcing me to push my ass upwards. He thrusted in and out, quickly and violently. I could feel his hairy gut on my behind. He was sweating like a pig, and he emanated a foul odour. I tried to escape again, and I used my legs to push myself away from him. I felt a hand on the back of my head, hitting me. Because I was so weak, my head started to spin. Every touch grew more aggressive and it felt like every part of me he touched, he decimated with a bruise or a scratch. I tried to push him off me again, but he slapped me across the face. He grabbed my neck and yelled something at me in Japanese. I felt my eyes well up with tears. He pushed himself back into me, and I had to face him the whole time.

"You don't have to pay me! I change my mind! Let me go!" I squeezed my eyes closed, and he laughed. He evidently enjoyed seeing me in pain. His dick wasn't big at all, nowhere near the size of Jaehyun's, but it still hurt because I wasn't turned on at all.

Without warning, he pressed himself right up into me, filling himself in me entirely, and ejaculated. I screamed in pain. It felt like I was being torn apart. He pulled out and collapsed beside me and was breathing heavily. With his seed still coating my hole, I leapt out from under the bed, pulled my boxers and my trousers on, and slipped on my shoes. He looked at me, and then his coat, where the money was being held. I advanced towards it and grabbed it before he could get to it. He landed on the floor with a thud, and he began to yell. He got to his feet and jumped on me. I clutched his jacket to my chest. He punched me in the eye, and I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could muster. He fell to the floor, and I kicked him in his fat stomach a final time, before spitting on him.

_"Some fucking blowjob, you prick."_

I grabbed my shirt and sprinted out of the room, down the hallway, and out of the hotel. I ran as far away and as fast as I could, looking back over my shoulder occasionally just to make sure I wasn't being tailed. I arrived at a bus stop and sat down on the bench. I could feel adrenaline pumping through me. I was panting like I had just run a marathon. I had his coat, and thank god, the cash was still where he left it. I wiped my tears and smiled. I shoved the cash into my pocket and threw his tasteful business coat in the bin. People were gawking at me like I was crazy. I realised that I wasn't wearing a mask, so I avoided everyone's gaze and kept my head down. I walked uptown to a department store, where I would have a spending spree. Spending other peoples money felt delightful.

I hated the feeling of offering my body to a stranger, but I felt a buzz from the reward. I bought Jaehyun and I two pairs of pyjamas, some regular and basic looking clothes, of course in a size larger for him. I bought some fresh food, meat, and eggs. When I was paying at the counter, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I grabbed the brown paper bags off the counter and sprinted outside of the shopping sector. I found the nearest alleyway, and dry heaved, and spat out bile that had risen from my stomach. My body was finally reacting to what had happened. I clutched my stomach in my arms, as my body continued to try and empty itself. I held onto the wall, trying to stop myself from collapsing. Suddenly, I felt disgusting. I could feel cum oozing out of my ass, and I started to feel every bruise on me, and every part of me that he corrupted by his unyielding touch.

But I got the money - I reminded myself. I would have set Jaehyun and I up for about three weeks, and all it took was a short 15 minutes.

I picked up the bags again and walked all the way to our apartment. By the time I got there, it felt like my arms were about to snap off - they were shaky and weak. I slipped past the receptionist and climbed the three flights of stairs laboriously. I knocked on the apartment door. Jaehyun did not answer. I rolled my eyes and placed a bag down, and opened the door. I slid it in with my foot and closed it. I left the bags on the counter in the kitchen and went to go and see where jaehyun was. He wasn't in the shower, and he wasn't on the couch. I eased open the bedroom door, and he was sleeping on top of the futon soundly, facing the opposite wall. He was wearing his boxers. His waist looks so small, almost feminine. His muscular back looked so very inviting... I closed the door, and walked into the bathroom to clean myself up after the days little... event.

Until then, I hadn't realised how much that prick had fucked me up. I had a bruise on my brow, and my nose was bleeding slightly. I dropped my shirt to the floor and looked at my back. There were scratches and nail marks all over it, especially towards the bottom and around my hips.

I turned around further and looked back. I looked skeletal... I twisted my waist around, and I could see my skin stretching over my bones. I shook my head. Every aspect of me looked sharp and angular, except for my hollow, round eyes. Perhaps I would be able to focus on myself now, and try and gain back the weight that I lost... how was Jaehyun even attracted to me when I looked and acted like such a fucking monster? The bruises around my wrists were intensifying and becoming a light shade of purple.

"Jesus Christ," I whispered. I took my pants off and had a shower. I washed all of the cum out of the crevice of my ass and cleansed myself of the man's filthy sweat and odour. would I do it again if it meant being given... or offered... or the opportunity to steal a fuck load of money?

 _Yes_.

"You sick fuck." I whispered.

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

I fell asleep after I woke up, waiting for Taeyong to get back. I checked the time on the oven, and it was already early afternoon. I rubbed my eyes and went to the toilet. After I washed my face and brushed back my hair, I walked out into the kitchen and living area. Taeyong was sitting on the couch, wearing nothing but his button up shirt and what appeared to be a new pair of boxers, with his legs tucked up, smoking a cigarette. He wasn't facing me, he was looking out the window in what appeared to be deep thought. When he heard me approach him, he turned around and smiled at me. For all the wrong reasons...

"It's so cruel, isn't it? He beat me up."

"T-Tae?"

"It hurt... but I got it..." he pointed over to the groceries and bags of clothes on the kitchen counter. I was confused for a moment.

"What hurts? D-did you fight someone for that money?"

"Yes, I guess you could say that."

Suddenly, it hit me. I stepped closer to him and lifted up his shirt. His back was covered with scratches and bruises. I pushed him back onto the couch and spread his legs apart. His thighs were horrifically bruised as if they had been squeezed.

My jaw swung open, and I cocked my head to the side. I narrowed my eyes at him. I created some distance between us, and I nearly tripped over the coffee table as I stepped backwards. I could barely believe myeyes. 

"150 000 yen." He said plainly, emotionlessly.

"D-don't... talk to me."

"Why?"

"You've lost it... you've really fucking lost it."

Taeyong crawled to the other side of the couch and looked up at me, paradoxically, innocently. "No, I haven't. I just did it to get some easy money. I did it for you. For us." He said with a smile.

"Don't... d-don't put this on me."

"I'm not..."

"Don't look at me... I just... need some... oh wow... oh fucking  _wow_..." was all I could manage. The thought of it all made me utterly dazed and bemused.

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, and held my head in my hands. Taeyong followed me in, and I felt his hand on my back.

"Look at what I bought with that money, Jaehyun."

"I don't want to look at it... I don't want it."

"I did it so we could be comfortable... I did it so we could be safe."

I shot up out of my chair and flung it out from behind me. I grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him.

"THINK, TAEYONG, THINK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKING DOING!?"

"It was nothing."

"IT'S NOT  _NOTHING_! IT'S NOT NOTHING!"

I let my suppressed tears fall freely. He hugged my waist, but I couldnt bring myself to hug him back. He practically cheated on me, but that wasn't the point. He had lost all respect for himself, and all value for his own life.

  
"What's the point of running for our lives to escape danger when you go and do shit like that?" I scowled. He did not retort, but he just hugged me tighter. I pushed him away from me. 

"What next? What now? Give it to me. Just get it over and done with. Like a fucking band-aid."

"You're not being very appreciative, jaehyun."

"Don't... Don't put words in my mouth." I shook my head at him.

"Don't be jealous, baby... I didn't _actually_ , enjoy it..."

He held my face in both of his hands, and he cocked his head and smirked flirtatiously... was I...  _jealous_?

"I'm not jealous. I'm angry. And disgusted." I spat.

"Your dick is telling me otherwise, baby..."

His hand moved from my face down to my member, and he pulled the elastic away from my hips, and slid his hand down my pants, and grabbed my balls in his fingers gently. I grabbed his wrist and threw his hand back by his side.

"Just leave me the fuck alone. I can't fucking believe you. Do I really mean nothing to you? If I don't just tell me now." I hissed. 

"Like I said, I did it for you, Jaehyun. I did it because I love you."

"You got a  _goddamn_  nerve. And you got a  _fucked_   _up_  way of showing people that you love them."

"I killed my father because I love you. The way your father showed you that he loved you was by throwing your mothers ashes on the fucking floor, and fucking you. Not to mention the alcohol.  _Is that love? Is that love?_ " He repeated.

He always had a way of making me feel bad. He always had a way of justifying his actions. He always had a way of making me feel like what I had said was wrong. And I truly believed it, I believed how he made me feel.

"No..." I mumbled faintly.

He had done more than anyone could have ever done for me. And this was my way of repaying him. What else could I do other than completely relent into his corrupted, battered and bruised body?

"Please don't do it again. I forgive you this time, but just... don't do it again. I should have come with you today."

"I want you to stay inside as much as possible...."

"Show me what you got today."

Taeyong pulled away from me and flashed me a toothy smile.

"I knew you'd want to see it. Sure thing, baby."

_**YUKHEI'S POV** _

A few days had passed since the news broadcast. Words of Jaehyun and Taeyong's disappearance spread around the school like a wildfire. Mark found out by himself because I couldn't bring myself to tell him. After school, I asked everyone to meet behind the sports shed. We all sat around in a circle. The atmosphere was sombre. Ten and I had agreed to tell them the information that we had acquired.

"I don't really know if there is a gentle way of saying this."

"Come on, man. We have to know." Mark said while looking at Haechan for approval. Haechan squeezed Mark's thigh. He looked like he had slept poorly the night before.

"Chi and I went to Jaehyun's father's house to see what was up... he gave us this note."

I handed the note to mark and as he read it, his eyes widened. He titled the note over to Haechan, who raised his eyebrows in shock. mark handed me back the note, and he covered his hand with his mouth.

"He's... in big trouble, isn't he?"

"Obviously." Ten scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

"But... what can we do? Should we go to the police?" Haechan suggested. 

"We have to go to the police. I say we go today, all together." I looked at them for approval, and they nodded hesitantly. 

"But why do you think they disappeared? You don't think they're...." Mark paused and looked around him. " _Dead?_ "

"I don't know Mark. The note says that " _they_   _got_ " Jaehyun. Whatever that means."   
  
"Who's they?" Haechan inquired.

"The mafia. As far as we know, and from what Jaehyun told us." Ten replied.

"And what does " _got_ " mean? Like they  _kidnapped_  him? Or like... Did they  _kill_  him?"

"We don't know. That's what we're going to try and find out. I'm going to take this note as evidence. Hopefully, it can be of use to the authorities."

All of us walked to the local police station in silence. When we arrived at the entrance, everyone hesitated and exchanged a look of uncertainty. I shook my head at them and walked in before them, and they followed me in.

"Hello, I have information on a case," I said to the lady behind the bars at the inquiry desk. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. She gave me a clipboard with paperwork attached to it. "What case? If its false information, you will be charged. I'm sick of fuckers like you coming-"

"Jung Jaehyun and Lee Taeyong." I blurted. 

Her eyes widened, and she picked up the telephone beside her immediately.

"I have high school kids who have information. Seoul Grammar's uniform, too." She said to the muffled voice at the end of the line.

"Right now?" She said into the telephone, followed by a sigh. "Okay, I'll bring em' in."

She placed the phone down on the hook and stood up.

"Follow me. Leave your bags here. Don't be stupid and don't bring in any contraband."

"I'm not going to stab you with a pen." Ten laughed.

"Don't fuck with me, kid." She huffed and then opened a door to a hallway lined with offices. She led us down a hallway that was lit with bright, white light, and had no windows whatsoever. The atmosphere was tense and terrifying. She arrived at a door, and she knocked on it.

"Come in." the deep voice from behind the door said. We all oozed into the room, and Ten and I took a seat on the worn leather chairs. Haechan and mark stood behind us. He looked up from his paperwork, and we were greeted with a surprisingly kind face. I heard the door close behind us.

"My name is Qian Kun. I'm a detective here. And you all are?" He smiled Kindly.

"Im Wong Yukhei, and this here is Chittaph-"

"Call me Ten." He interjected, and Kun nodded.

"And behind me is Mark Lee and Lee Haechan."

"Nice to meet you, boys. I was a Seoul Grammar boy myself. So. What brings you here today?"

I looked over at ten, and he nodded. I handed Kun the note. He read it, and his face did not change emotion, not even slightly. He placed it down on the files in front of him.

"Where did you get this from?"

"Jaehyun's father."

" _You knew Jaehyun?_ "

"Yes, we  _know_  him. And Taeyong." I corrected him and spoke in the present hell because... well, I didn't want to act like he was already dead. 

"Is this the only information you have?"

"No, Sir... we uh... we think we know the circumstances surrounding their disappearance." Ten retorted.

Kun pressed the record button on his handheld voice recorder, and looked at us, waiting for us to finish. I cleared my throat nervously.

"Jaehyun said to us that Taeyong is being forced into a marriage." I choked.

"A guy? Being forced into a marriage?" He asked curiously.

"His father is the leader of the mafia. So you can imagine..." Upon hearing this, Kun's gaze intensified, he appeared to be teeming with questions, but he let us continue.

"But the thing is... he's gay. He is in love with Jaehyun. Jaehyun said that bad things would happen to him if he does not enter into the marriage because he is meant to be inheriting a lot of money."

"And he said that Taeyong has to kill the girl after he marries her."

Kun raised his eyebrows and placed his voice recorder down.

"Thank you for the information. This... this could be it. We knew Lee Taeyong was affiliated with the mafia... but not to this extent."

He grabbed his phone off the hook and dialled in a few numbers. He held the phone up to his ear and smiled contently.

"Sicheng, get your ass down here. I've got news for 'ya."  


	43. CARELESS

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

The three of us arrived in Tokyo safety. It was still barely dawn when we arrived, the sun was just starting to rise. Wei Ren was tired and grumpy, and Doyoung was ready to get to work, as always. 

"I booked us a hotel. The best I could find. In the penthouse suite. I also booked us a limo."

"This better be out of the mafia's pockets."

"Of course. Courtesy of Mr Lee. Considering this is his son's mess, after all."

When we arrived at the hotel, Wei Ren slumped on the couch and sighed. Doyoung placed a cigarette in-between her lips and ignited it. He snapped the lighter shut.

"We have a lot of work to do." He said to me from across the room. 

"Let's get to it then."

The fact that I was in the same city as Taeyong and Jaehyun made my fingers curl. My entire body was rigid and taut. I felt like I was constantly on watch as if Taeyong was going to appear around every corner.

 Doyoung and I went into the main dining room and we closed the door behind us. We sat down at the table, and Doyoung got his things out of the suitcase to continue the investigation.

"So, do have  _any_  idea where they will be?"

"Yes. But its just a presumption."

"At least it's somewhere to start."

"If we rely on the presumption that they do not have a lot of money, its fair to say that they would be somewhere downtown, in the poorer outskirts of Tokyo."

"But how do we know they didn't find a way of getting money?"

"From what you've told me, they've been lurking in the shadows and hiding from almost anyone and anything. They're careful not to leave any traces. There is a procedure that foreigners must go through to obtain jobs here."

"So you're saying that they wouldn't want to reveal themselves by doing that."

"Exactly. I know I wouldn't. It's practically suicide. Not to mention a bureaucratic and logistical nightmare."

"Okay, so let's presume they're somewhere downtown. But how can we pinpoint their location?"

"Think about it, Jackson. They're obviously intending to stay here for a long time. That means we can rule out any establishments that only advertise rooms for short stays, like motels."

"I suppose you're right. But wouldn't they have to show some kind of identification if they were going to rent a room?"

"Not in those parts, I don't think. It's dodgy, they will probably be paying with cash in hand. There is probably no paperwork involved at all, especially considering the fact that they probably can't speak or write Japanese."

"That's another presumption, Doyoung."

"I said I'm relying on presumptions."

I sighed and crossed my arms.

"I just don't want to miss anything."

"Ill search for some apartment buildings in the areas that I believe they could be."

"They still haven't used the credit card?"

"Not a cent has been withdrawn."

"They're smarter than I thought. Taeyong, that fucking kid, is  _nuts_."

"That's not a presumption, Sajang. It's a fact. He is crazy,  _batshit_  crazy. Probably a psychopath. Doesn't this add up to you?"

I cocked my head to the side, confused, and allowed him to continue. 

"If he's crazy he will want to stay somewhere where he can get away with illegal things, he will want to stay somewhere without documents and without revealing their identities. The only place I can imagine that someone would ever get away with that is-" 

"Alright. I think I get it."

He continued to type on the computer and take a few notes. He turned his laptop around and pointed at the screen.

"Here are a few apartment buildings that look less than... appealing. Some of them are motels, but some of them say that they have rooms to rent."

"Okay, we will pay those places a little visit. Run the facial recognition system through all of the CCTV footage in that area, though. I don't want to waste my time looking for them if I know they aren't there."

"Yes, Sajang."

Doyoung and I sat in silence for about half an hour while he worked away tirelessly on his laptop. He nearly jumped out of his skin, and he stuttered, and a smug smirk emerged on his lips.

"Look at this. Downtown. He matches the height on the file. Could be Taeyong."

"His face is covered."

"Do you see anyone else covering their faces? Why would he?"

"But he's alone. Wouldn't he be with jaehyun?"

"Why on earth would they go out together when they wouldn't have to? That would make them easier to spot. And as you said, Taeyong isn't stupid."

"He's stopping to get cigarettes." Doyoung said as he watched the footage.

All of a sudden, a man emerged from behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. His lips were moving, he was speaking to him. Then Taeyong shrugged.

"He shrugged... he shrugged!" I yelled, perhaps a bit too excitedly.

"If he was a local wouldn't he know Japanese?"

"Exactly."

We continued to watch the footage intensely. The man opened his coat and showed something to him in his pocket. He nodded, and they walked on their way.

"FOLLOW THEM! FOLLOW THEM!" I said manically.

"I'm on it."

Doyoung flicked through the cameras in the area, following them down the street.

"Where the fuck could they be going?" Doyoung looked up at me and waited for me to answer as if I knew.

"I don't know, but it seems suspicious."

"You can say that again. A man that he's never met..."

"They're stopping," I noted.

We watched them walk into a building.

"What does that say?"

"It reads Hasu Hoteru... it means Lotus Hotel."

"No... No way..." I shook my head and smiled in disbelief. "What a filthy whore." I spat. Doyoung laughed at my remark. We both knew very well what he was doing, and what he had already done.

"Let's go there. Right now. Call a cab. We have no time to waste." I added. Doyoung slammed his laptop shut and followed me out of the room.

"We have some business to attend to," I said to Wei Ren before leaving. She looked at us and nodded with apprehension and confusion written all over her face. She didn't bother to ask what was happening.

We told the cab driver the name of the hotel, and we were there, in downtown Tokyo, within the hour.

"What a dump." I muttered.

We got out of the car, and let ourselves into the hotel. The receptionist greeted us with a cheesy smile.

"How can I help you?" She said in Japanese. Doyoung took the lead.

"Have you seen anyone here with a man, about this tall, with bright red hair and a skinny build?"

"Yes. He was here earlier."

"Did you see him leave?"

"Yes. He ran out of here before I could ask what was wrong..He looked... dishevelled. He was bleeding. A bit wild, in fact."

Doyoung translated every word for me.

"Thank you. That'll be all." He said and walked out.

"He's around here. Show me the names of the hotels again. We're so close I can almost  _feel_  it. I know he's here... he's fucking here somewhere."

Perhaps Lee Taeyong might just appear from around a corner after all. 

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

Taeyong and I were resting on the couch and watching tv. It was late afternoon and everything seemed to be relatively normal. Then, we heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get it." Taeyong blurted before I could say anything. He darted up off the couch and looked through the peephole with a squint. He turned around and shook his head.

"It's Yuta."

"Let him in," I said hesitantly, barely above a whisper. I gulped.

"I can't." 

I got up off the couch and walked to the door.

"Let me do the talking, Tae. relax."

"I don't feel good about this. What did I say?"

I did not reply. I opened the door, and Yuta greeted us with a wide, friendly smile.

"Hey, guys. I found you both jobs! Just call this number. Its construction work, and you'll have an early start, but it should be okay. Ask to speak to a man called Wing. He speaks Korean."

"Thank you so much, Yuta. How can we repay you?"

"Is that all?" Taeyong snapped.

"I guess so..." Yuta glared at Taeyong, bemused by his rude remark.

"If you'll just excuse us..." Taeyong's hand pressed the door shut, but I stopped him. He looked at me, and I could almost see and feel the anger rise to his face.

"I also brought you this little Japanese phrase book."

"We don't need your help." Taeyong spat.

"I'm sorry?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Tae... stop..."

He shook his head at me and walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I stepped outside of the apartment to speak to Yuta in the hallway.

"What was all that about?"

"He's... he's worried. Paranoid... he doesn't trust anyone. Please excuse him. He's not usually like this." I made up excuses for him, that admittedly, held at least some truth. But it didn't excuse the fact that he was being an asshole. 

"Ah, I see... it's fine, I suppose."

"He's... he's not fine. I'm really worried about him."

"Are you saying that he's sick? You know...  _upstairs_?" Yuta pointed to his head. 

"On the brink. I don't know how to stop it. I don't think he can either. Nothing I say or do will make him change, nothing I say will ease his mind or make him comfortable." 

"I'm sure things will run their course. Time heals all wounds. It's not like he killed anyone."

A wave of nausea and sheer shock washed over me. I was horrified. 

"Yeah... haha..." I faked a laugh and stumbled back into the threshold of the apartment. "Sorry to keep you here. You must be busy. I'll see you soon, Yuta."

"Are you okay? You look pale."

"Huh? I'm fine."

 _No, I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm not fine_  - I said to myself. 

"Okay, I'll see you around. Please take care of yourselves."

I smiled and stepped back inside our apartment. Once I heard Yuta's footsteps fade down the hallway, I locked the door. I covered my hand with my mouth, and took a deep breath...  _how did he know_? Who could I trust now?

Taeyong opened the bathroom door. He looked at me and his lips parted slightly.

"Why are you so pale?" 

"I-i... I just..." I shook my head. This could not be happening.

"Oh no, baby... what happened?"

"He - he said... it's not like you killed anyone."

"What?" Taeyong gasped as he furrowed his eyebrows. 

"I said that you were worried and... he... knew..."

Taeyong sighed and he walked over to me. I need not say anything more. He picked up my drooping head in both of his hands and looked at me.

"I told you.... Come on... let's have a bath... poor baby..."

My hands were trembling. We couldn't run from it. No matter how hard we tried, there was no escape. It followed us everywhere like a heavy cloud, and it was constantly raining down upon us, corrupting our field of vision, making our clothes soaked and heavy, making every movement laboured and painful.

Taeyong stripped my clothes that we had just bought off me, and he said down in the tub and ran the taps hot. He patted on the space between his legs, and I rested my back on his stomach. He wrapped his hands around me. I let my weight rest on him, and the smell and sensation of his soft skin against mine comforted and rejuvenated me like I was an electronic being charged. 

"I told you we can't trust anyone. The world is against us."

"I don't know how he knew..." I muttered. "Its like he was trying to rub it in, like some kind of sick joke."

"We have to act like everyone knows. We cant be careless like that. It could get us killed."

"I know... I'm sorry..."

" _Please stop shaking._ " He implored with a whimper. 

"I can't."

"As for the jobs, we can't take them."

"I know that."

"He could have told anyone about us."

"I know... Taeyong, I don't wanna die." I felt my eyes fill with tears, but I faught to hold them back. 

"Neither do I. So you have to listen to me... we have to work as a team... to keep each other safe. I'm used to hiding. I'm used to this life, unfortunately. Take it from me. I know what to do."

"Okay... okay."

"I love you so fucking much Jung Jaehyun." He tightened his grip around my waist and he rested his head on my shoulder. 

"I love you too, Lee Taeyong."

"A house of cards." He whispered without context. "And we're inside... it feels like its constantly on the brink of collapse... like a gentle gush of wind could send it tumbling down..."

"Everything just feels so precarious, so fucking feeble..."

"That's why we have to be careful... the house of cards will stand tall if it is untouched; if it is left in a glass display... we have to dwell inside of it. Nobody can knock it down. We can't let them."

"We won't let them." I vouched.

And just like that, my sanity had slipped away, unable to be retrieved. The reason why I was insane, is because I didn't even realise the irrationality of my words and actions - nothing made any sense, the world seemed incredibly plastic; like it somehow revolved around us and the death of Taeyong's father. Perhaps I was crazy from the inception of it all. Perhaps I had lost my mind the moment that I met him, like I said. It was crazy that we were running from such a thing. It was crazy that we had made it that far. I could have turned us in, confessed, or we could have killed ourselves; but I loved him, and he loved me, and I wanted to live out a vain dream. I wanted to run away with him. I wanted love, not death; even though those concepts, notions, words, whatever they were, were so tightly linked and so inextricably bound.

_**KUN'S POV** _

The office was busy as usual. I went over to Sicheng's desk and sat down beside him. He looked at me and took a long sip from his cheap black coffee.

"So. We actually have a fucking lead, can you believe it?"

He paused and shook his head. "No." He said sarcastically. 

"Come on, you ass. This is a big fucking case we've got here."

"Kun, with all due respect, this is the mafia we're talking about." He raised his eyebrow and smiled like he had already given up.

"It doesn't mean we cant find them and bring them to justice."

"But who's the real victim here?"

"What are you going on about?"

"The kids? Or the mafia?"

"The tall kid with the blonde hair... his name was Yukhei or something, handed me this note. It's from Jaehyun's father."

He looked at it and almost didn't believe what he was reading. " _They got him_? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Just fucking listen to this."

I grabbed the recorder out of my pocket and rewound it to the latest recording.

_"Jaehyun said to us that Taeyong is being forced into a marriage."_

_"A guy? Being forced into a marriage?"_

_"His father is the leader of the mafia."_

_"But the thing is... he's gay. He is in love with Jaehyun. Jaehyun said that bad things would happen to him if he does not enter into the marriage because he is meant to be inheriting a lot of money."_

_"And he said that Taeyong has to kill the girl after he marries her."_

I clicked it off and looked at him satisfied.

"Take this shit seriously. Or I'll find another partner." I threatened as if he would care if I did.

"How the fuck are we going to track down the mafia's activities? Even if we do, they'll pay for our silence."

"And we won't take it. Because we're fucking detectives for the Seoul Police Department."

"Spare me the Scooby Doo shit, come on Kun."

"Hah... is that any way to speak to your hyung?"

"Fine. Ill help you. But I'm telling you, it's risky."

"Where did your thirst for adventure go? When we were in the academy, we always talked about cases like this."

"They gave us this case because everyone's busy working on the real shit. We've got barely any leads."

"So let's go and find them. The mafia. We know the headquarters aren't far from here." 

"It's not like we can go in. They shut up, we shut up, that was the deal."

"It doesn't matter. get me all of the transcripts from the meetings."

"Aren't they classified?"

"I didn't know you were a pussy."

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"whatever. I'm only doing this for you."

"That's good enough."

I sat at Sicheng's desk and opened a file for the case, and looked up Jaehyun and Taeyong's police files. They were attractive, I'd give them that much. They didn't look like the type to act so...  _recklessly_.

Sicheng returned and slammed a heavy folder down on his desk, and sat down again.

"If this get's me fired, you're going down with me."

"Shut up."

"What are you even looking for?" He inquired.

"Names... names... anything. The leader." I said while studying the pages.

I flipped through the pages, looking for anything that might lead me to finding them.

"Wait... what's that?" Sicheng peered over and pointed at the page. "Lee Seon Won." He added. "They're talking about the leader and who's in control..." 

The transcript read  _'Me, I'm the leader. My name is Lee Seon-Won.'_

" _Lee_  Taeyong." I looked up at him. I saw his eyes glisten with excitement.

"Right, so we can confirm that they're related. We already knew that." He scoffed.

"Do you think that something more is going on here? This is a family affair. And he is the  _leader_  of the mafia, we know that for sure now." I speculated.

"Okay, then let's assume that its a family affair. Why would they be running without leaving a trace? Why would they be so careful and so diligent if they were just running from the situation, not from something?"

"I like the way you're thinking."

"Do you think..." 

"Do I think what?" Sicheng tried to get the words out of me.

"I mean, its just a theory, but do you think they killed someone?"

"No... who would they kill?"

"You never know... could have been his father."

"So you're going to treat this as a murder now."

"They're  _acting_  like they killed someone. Think about it. No credit card withdrawals, nothing. It's highly suspect..."

"You're speculating too much."

"I'm just going off the evidence we have."  


	44. FOUND

_**JACKSON'S POV** _

"Let's see what we can find around here." I said, already preparing myself to be completely let down. 

We walked down the sidewalk, peering inside buildings, asking receptionists about two boys matching Taeyong and Jaehyun's description in my broken Japanese, and dodging dirty puddles in the depressions in the pavement. We must have walked in and out of about 20 hotels in the span of 5 hours. Our legs were aching, and we were starting to give up.

"Let's go into this last one," I said.

"It feels like we have been into every damn motel in Japan." Doyoung sighed; he was exhausted.

"We've barely scratched the surface. Last one. It won't take long. Then we'll call a cab back. And get some alcohol."

"I like the sound of that."

I pushed the clear door open and was welcomed with a soft smile by the receptionist.

"Have you seen two teenagers in here? a redhead and a blonde, both of them are tall and skinny."

"I might h-" the lady's eyes lit up slightly, and she tilted her head up to nod.

"Sorry, dude. Never seen them before." He appeared from the door behind the counter. He folded his arms as he spoke. The lady's head snapped to the side and she looked up at him.

"Maybe I should ask again. Have you seen a redhead and a blonde around here?"

"Then allow me to answer again. I've seen anyone like that around here."

"Hm... do you mind if we take a look at your books?" I asked.

"Are you the police?" He snapped.

"Ah... You speak with a slight Gyeonggi dialect. Even in Japanese."

"Yuta, what's happening?"

"I studied in Seoul. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Lee Taeyong and Jung Jaehyun." I leant an elbow on the counter.

"I'm sorry, who?"

"Show me the books," I ordered, unwilling to tolerate his foolery. 

"Why should I do that? You have no business here."

"Well, we do now."

I paced around the other side of the counter and grabbed the front of his hair and slammed his head against the wall behind him. The woman sitting down began to scream, and her hand reached for the telephone. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her up, and punched her in the temple. Her body fell to the floor like a rag doll.

"Where the fuck did you learn that?" Doyoung said with a nervous snicker.

"Mr Lee taught me, actually." I took a deep inhale and straightened my suit and fixed my hair. "Search the books and the computer. Look for their real names and their false ones." I added. 

"Yes, Sajang."

He sat down at the desk and got to work. He flipped through the pages, running his finger along them. His eyes darted from left to right. 

"Either my Japanese is sub-par or their names aren't here."

"Let me have a look."

"There's nothing for the past week, Sajang. I don't think they've been here that long. The dates don't add up."

"Okay, then try the computer. I need to tie these motherfuckers up."

I dragged both of them into the small room that the man I believed called Yuta emerged from. I couldn't find any rope, but I muddled through all of the drawers and found exactly what I was looking for: duct tape. Perhaps that's what they used to fix leaks in that dump. It sure looked like it. I pushed their virtually lifeless bodies up against the wall and covered both of their mouths in thick layers of tape. I wrapped their hands behind their back and when I was convinced that it was virtually inescapable, I tied their feet. I almost used the whole roll. I worked up a sweat from all the hard work.

I turned off the light and locked the door. I grabbed a chair from the waiting area and pushed it against the door nob.

"I cant find anything on their system either. They haven't even lodged their invoices for the past year."

"For fuck's sake. Let's have a little look around, shall we?"

Suddenly, my eyes landed on a small bin tucked under the desk. I reached down and grabbed it, and pulled it up. Lying on top of all the miscellaneous waste was a bright yellow sticky note. It read:

_Han Sangwoo and Nam Yoon-Oh Room 101_

I laughed, and Doyoung looked up at me, confused. I handed him the note. He read it and smirked. I leant down and looked at the array of keys on hooks on the wall, and I grabbed the only remaining key for room 101. I threw it up and snatched it out of the air on its descent.

_Lee Taeyong... you can run but you can't hide..._

"We found em, Jackson." Doyoung clapped. I slapped him on the back and shook his hand, and tried to contain my manic laughter.

"Couldn't have done it without you, Doyoung. I want to go up their and strange that motherfucker myself. We have to get out of here. before anyone sees us."

"We should come back tonight."

"Already?"

"Like you said, why waste time?"

"We haven't got a solid plan." 

"Good thing we have a painfully long cab ride to discuss it."

"Ah, Doyoung... I've taught you so well."

We walked out of the apartment building and down the street. Our jobs were practically done. I had Taeyong by the leash. I could feel the sweet taste of revenge on my tongue... I could feel the sadness and anger within me dissipate as each second passed. I was hungry for blood, but I had to remain calm. Now was not a time to make any rash decisions. If I did, I could have ended up getting myself into trouble with the law, especially in a country where the mafia didn't have an agreement with the police. I was also in forbidden Yakuza territory... You're probably wondering, isn't this causing more trouble than it's worth? 

No... because it is worth millions upon millions of won... more money than anyone could ever imagine. 

Doyoung signalled a cab and we hopped in and told the driver the address. I closed the glass separating the back and the front, and I cleared my throat and turned my body to face him.

"Let's speak in Korean, to be safe."

"Your Japanese is shit, anyway."

"I see your head is getting big now that we found them. Shrink it right on back down for me." He laughed and shook his head. "Now, we have to get down to business. We have to think about this carefully... Do you have any idea how we should do this?"

"Its a complicated maneuver, and we're going to have to rely heavily on Wei Ren."

"You can say that again. It's the only way I'll be able to get to Jaehyun. And kill him without getting myself thrown behind bars."

"exactly. So, we tell her to speak to Taeyong gently. she will say that she came to Japan by herself because she was worried... also, she cant know about Jaehyun or the jealous bitch won't do it."

"But how do we know how Taeyong will react? And how do we know how she will react to Jaehyun?"

"We don't. So we have to emphasise the importance of her not pushing him, not making him anxious, and making sure he doesn't fuck off. And we have to act clueless about jaehyun, pretend we don't know about him."

We sat in mute contemplation for a moment.

"If he decides to flee with Jaehyun it's going to get messy."

"precisely. So, we tell Wei Ren to take Taeyong out for a drink. Alone, without Jaehyun, just to talk about a way that they can...  _work_   _around_  the situation; a simple ploy to get them out of the apartment, and then we intercept them. We should take a van. And some sedative, knowing Taeyong."

"I like the way this is sounding. And when they're gone I-"

"Kill the motherfucker."

He took the words right out of my mouth.

We arrived back at the hotel and rode the elevator to the penthouse. Wei Ren was sitting at the dining table with a spread of food and a bottle of soju in her hand.

"Sorry, I couldn't wait for you to eat. What took you so long?"  
"We found him," I said simply. She leapt out of her seat, and she looked more concerned and sad as opposed to happy. She gulped.

"You- you found him already?"

"Yes... are you okay?"

"Of course. I'm just a bit shocked, that's all." She sat down and put her hands in her lap and looked out the window.

Doyoung and I walked over to the table and sat opposite her.

"Is he okay?"

"We don't know that yet. But we just know where he is."

"Is he alone?"

"As far as we know."

She sighed in response.

"So... what do I have to do?" She asked. Her voice was laced with dread.

"We're glad you asked. We will all go to his apartment building. We will be parked a block away. go to room 102 and knock on the door. if he doesn't answer, use this key."

She took it from me gently in her long fingers and looked up at me suspiciously.

"Do you think he's going to buy this?"

"Yes. Have faith, Ren."

"Then what?"

"Take him out for a drink. Walk him by the car, and we will intercept him from behind."

"Sounds... pretty easy to me."

"It is easy. When you talk to Taeyong, remain calm. Tell him that you miss him and that you're sorry about his father."

"Like  _oh, he died so tragically, I'm so sincerely sorry, I'm here for you;_  all that jazz?"

"Yes. Act. Pull it out of your ass if you have to." 

"That shouldn't be too hard for me."

_**KUN'S POV** _

Sicheng and I sat in the booth at the back of the bar. He took his shot with a single swig, and slammed it back down on the table and scowled.

"A murder. A damn murder. Do you know what it takes to kill someone? To look in someone's eyes and kill them? And what you said to me today... his father?"

"It just makes sense. The leader of the mafia, an incredulous ultimatum, two lovers fleeing, initially without a trace..."

"So... you're telling me..." Sicheng coughed and laughed.

"That this Taeyong kid, killed his father for his lover?"

"I guess that's exactly what I'm saying."

He laughed and slapped his hand against the table. I grabbed the elastic of his suspenders from across the table and pulled it, and released it against him. He jumped slightly, but this only made him laugh more. 

"I'm sorry.... I'm sorry!" He said as he covered his mouth and snickered. I looked at him with a serious look plastered on my face.

"You're actually being serious." He stated as his laughter faded.

"Have you ever been in love, Sicheng?"

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"I don't really like to talk about it." He laughed nervously and scratched his temple.

"Tell me about it. Were you in love?"

"I met them in college before I joined the academy. We strung up a conversation when we were waiting for our lecture to start. We progressed to flirting almost instantly. It was a criminal psychology lecture. Then... then... they left the country."

"Your mood has changed."

"I'm sorry."

"You loved them."

"I don't like to admit it, but I did."

"Why haven't you contacted them again?"

"Because the distance hurts. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Whats this got to do with the case?"

"What would you do for love? What would you do for them? To what lengths would you go to save them if they were in danger?"

"I haven't seen them in so long, so how would I know?"

"Think back to the time where you-"

"I would die for them if that's what you're trying to say."

"Would you kill someone for them if it meant their safety?"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Sicheng... in love? So you're not a cold bastard after all. What was her name?"

"Yuta."

"Was she pretty?"

"Enough of this shit. I suppose it sort of makes more sense now. Love makes people do fucked up things. It makes you feel... things that you cant describe."

"So, you believe my theory now?"

"I believe the theory, yes. I suppose you'll have to prove it to me. But don't discard other evidence just to prove your point."

"That's not my job."

I poured us each another shot, and another, and another, and before we knew it, our heads were starting to spin. We had a stressful day at work and it felt wonderful to unwind.

"Yuta was a dude, Kun." He blurted. 

"You like guys?"

"I like both." He blushed. "I remember I was so scared about telling my family. I knew they wouldn't accept me. I knew they wouldn't tolerate me being with another man, so I kept it a secret. Perhaps Jaehyun and Taeyong made that mistake. They didn't keep it a secret. When they had every reason to, considering Taeyong's father's position... they just...  _didn't_."

I let him pause in thought without distracting him.

"I wanted to tell my family and friends that I loved him, I wanted to yell it to all of Seoul. I also wanted to run away from it, far  _far_  away."

"And that's exactly what they did." 


	45. HOUSE OF CARDS

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

Taeyong and I were lying down in bed. My arm was slung over his warm body, and I was relaxed by the slow rising and falling of his chest. It was 1 am, and the city was asleep. The bright neon lights of the neighbouring buildings shone through the window, flashing, making the light shift colour from pink, to blue, to green. It was the only reminder that we were not in a ghost town, completely isolated from the rest of humanity. Light rain patterned against the windows and thunder crashed in the distance.

I was interrupted by a knock at the door. At first, I thought I was dreaming - in that obscure interstices between wakefulness and sleep. I woke myself up further. Another knock at the door. Was I hallucinating now as well? I sat up, and from my place on the bed, I peered around the corner and looked at the front door. Another knock. The door moved on the hinges slightly as the handle moved up and down.

Someone was trying to get in.

Another knock. I heard the metallic clang of a key being inserted into the door. It opened slightly, and a head peered around the corner. Her long hair fell in front of her shoulders. She placed an umbrella beside her against the wall. She closed the door behind her and stood at the threshold nervously. I couldn't believe my eyes. She looked like a ghost in the darkness; her long hair gathered in wet strands.

"Taeyong!" I shrieked. I shook his shoulder and he jolted awake.

"What..." He groaned as he woke himself up. All I could do was point at the door with my trembling fingers. My body wouldn't move. Her silhouette shone in the moonlight. She approached the bedroom slowly, like an apparition. She turned on the light in our room, and her features lit up.

"AH!" Taeyong darted up on the bed, and he scurried backwards against the wall.

"Taeyong! It's me. It's Ren. Don't be afraid." She smiled kindly at him. He paced over to his side of the bed. He got to his feet.

"W-what the fuck? W-who are you?" Was all I could manage. I stood up. My legs were shaking as if they would give out beneath me at any moment. I knew who she was, but I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I was incredibly confused.

"You must be Jaehyun. My name is Wei Ren." She said as she walked over to me and she held her hand out to me. I looked at it, and then back over to Taeyong. I ignored her.

"What the hell is happening?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

He shrank into the corner, and held his knees to his chest, and buried his head in his legs as if he was hallucinating...  _This could not possibly be happening._  Was I dreaming?

"Taeyong, listen to me right now." Wei ren approached Taeyong and she knelt down in front of him. He had started to cry. Her hands pulled his away from his face.

"I know you're scared, but you have to listen to me! I'm not going to hurt you!"

"JAEHYUN! HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!"

"W-what?" Was all I could manage.

"Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up!" he rocked back and forth. Tears rolled freely down my face. She was scaring him. I grabbed her collar from behind and pulled her up to face me.

"Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here!?" He spat in her face.

"I know about the deal. I know everything... I know about the murder." She looked at me with intense eyes as she spoke to me, almost blending her words together.

"H-how? I ... I don't understand..." I furrowed my eyebrows and ran my hands through my hair.

"We don't have much time! You have to listen to me!" She implored.

"L-Leave... leave... please... get the hell out of here..."

"IM TRYING TO HELP YOU! LISTEN TO ME! YOU'RE IN DANGER!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Taeyong screamed. Wei ren groaned in frustration and knelt back down to face Taeyong. She held his face in her hands.

"Listen to me. Snap out of it. You're stronger than this. I'm sorry, Taeyong. I'm sorry for ruining everything. You have to leave.  _We_  have to leave. Now."

Taeyong made eye contact with her, and he inhaled and exhaled sharply, and then shook his head. I don't even think he knew if this was actually happening or not. Unfortunately, it was as real as every other day that I had ever lived.

"Jaehyun, carry him. Come on. We have to get out of here! I'll explain later! Please just listen to me!"

"Ah... ah... I..." I stuttered.

A wave of disassociation washed over me... I could feel my vision blurring... the entire world seemed to slow down as if I had just been poisoned with some kind of elixir.

Wei Ren was screaming something at me frantically. Her lips were moving, but I could not hear the sound that escaped her lips. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me, but I was unable to respond.

Taeyong got up behind her and pushed her away from me. She fell to the ground, and Taeyong jumped on top of her and tightened his hands around her neck. His muscles flexed, and his veins in his neck were popping out. He shook her neck, and she was screaming.

All of a sudden, the door flung open. It crashed against the wall. In came two men wearing black suits. Taeyong stopped strangling Wei Ren, and she struggled to gain her breath. Taeyong looked up. I snapped out of my stupor. The two men paced over to us with their guns pointed straight at us.

I grabbed Taeyong's waist and pulled him up off Wei Ren, who was on the ground, rolling around, choking. The blonde haired man raised an eyebrow and smiled maliciously.

"And Wei Ren... another traitor, I see?" he raised an eyebrow and scoffed at her. "Ah... Lee Taeyong... We meet again, old friend. You can run, but you can't hide." He raised an eyebrow.

"KILL ME THEN, JACKSON! KILL ME! JUST FUCKING KILL ME!"

Taeyong advanced out of my grip towards Jackson, and he grabbed the barrel of the gun and held it against his head.

"Now that, Taeyong, would be pointless."

"KILL ME! FUCKING KILL ME! FUCKING KILL ME!" He squeezed his eyes shut. I froze in place. I was unable to do anything, unable to react, unable to breathe.

Wei Ren rolled onto her stomach and raised a hand.

"Jackson! Stop!" She choked. So she was on our side after all.

"It's over, Taeyong."

Taeyong withdrew his fist and swung it at Jackson. Before he could make contact, Jackson grabbed his fist in his hand and pushed him back. The black-haired man shoved his gun into his belt and grabbed Taeyong's wrists firmly and held them behind him. He tried to wriggle free of his grasp, but it was no use. He was too strong.

"I would kill you, Taeyong... I would take sufficient satisfaction in doing that. But that's just no fun, is it?"

Jackson raised his gun at me, without making a hint of eye contact with me. He looked at Taeyong dead in the eyes. He pulled the trigger. A bullet flew at me in supersonic speed. It landed in the lower right-hand side of my abdomen. My body flung back slightly. I looked down and touched the wound with my fingers, and then looked at the blood that was now staining them. My own blood oozed out of me and was soaked up by my pyjama pants.

Taeyong shrieked.

"NO! NO! NO!"

"You did this, Taeyong... it's all your fault."

"THIS ISNT REAL! I KNOW THIS IS A DREAM! YOU CANT FOOL ME!"

I wished that he was right. I felt nothing. A numbness overcame me. I collapsed to the floor. The periphery of my vision started to fade to black.

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

Jaehyun collapsed to his knees and held his side where he had been shot. He fell onto his backside, and then his entire body flopped to the floor. He was breathing quickly and shallowly. Finally, I broke free of the black-haired man's grip. I ran over to him and collapsed over his body.

"Oh my god... oh, my god... baby, I'm so fucking sorry."

He did not retort. He looked at me, straight into my eyes. His blonde hair fell over his eyes. I pressed my hand over his wound, trying to apply pressure to stop some of the bleeding.

"This is real, baby..."

"Isn't that cute?" Jackson teased.

"I... I love you." He added.

I cupped Jaehyun's face in my bloody hands and ran my thumb over his cheek. I couldn't help but smile at him through my tears.

"I'm so sorry baby..."

"Call an ambulance you prick!" Wei Ren choked.

"Shut up, bitch. You want a bullet too?" Jackson snapped.

A single tear rolled down Jaehyun's cheek.

"Kiss me... p-please." He said through short breaths. I leaned down and pressed my lips onto his.

"Stay with me, Jaehyun... come on... keep looking at me...  _Stay... Stay...._ "

"Is... everything going... t-to be alright?"

"I don't know this time, baby..."

"Lie to me please..." he whispered.

I heard a barrage of footsteps enter the room. I darted my head around, and men wearing black helmets and black bulletproof vests filled our apartment. One of them approached me, and pulled me off Jaehyun, effortlessly, like I was weightless. I kicked my legs around and flailed wildly. I reached my hand out to him, as he shrank away from me. I was being pulled out of the room. The police officers were attending to jaehyun. I saw Jackson and his partner being handcuffed and pressed up against the wall.

Yuta was standing in the doorway. He didn't say anything. I looked at him as I was being carried out of the room. Did he save us?

I was slammed down on a patslide. I felt a hand on my forehead, pressing me down.

"What's your name, kid?"

I was unable to respond. I was exhausted, and my salty tears were stinging my eyes and corrupting my vision. He flashed a torch into my eyes to check my nerve responses. I wanted to speak, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream to cry. I sat up and looked back, and Jaehyun was being carried out of the room. He was dead weight.

As I was carried out of the apartment building I was greeted with red and blue flashing lights. I was placed in a van and I looked up at the bright, white light. Was I dying?

"Am I dead?" I asked the nurse sitting in the van.

"No. symptoms of adrenal shock. Low blood sugar." She said bluntly. I felt the van speed off, and the alarms sounded.

"What's your name?"

"Taeyong."

"What a lovely name. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Four. Where are we going?"

"The hospital. You're safe now."

"If you could give me something to wake me the fuck out of this, that'd be great."

"Psychosis or schizophrenia, I cant tell." She told her assistant.

"Are you calling me crazy?" I said with a laugh.

"No."

"Where's my boyfriend?"

"You're going to feel a slight pinch in your arm."

"What the hell are you giving me!"

"Just glucose. Tell me about your boyfriend." I felt a swelling sensation on the underside of my elbow. I was being injected with something. She was trying to distract me, and it was working.

"He's tall and has brown hair... but he dyed it. He gets dimples when he smiles and these cute... little whiskers... He likes Frank Sinatra..." I felt a sudden wave of relaxation wash over me. Whatever she gave me, it sure as hell wasn't to raise my blood sugar levels. "And he likes Marlboro cigarettes... and... and..." my body felt incredibly fatigued, but my mind was still alert.

The ambulance screeched and braked. I was slid out, still on the patslide. I was being carried in. I sat up, and I saw jaehyun being carried out of an ambulance van.

"Keep your head down."

"NO... no... Jaehyun..."

"He's going to be okay..."

I was taken into the bright lights of the hospital. I sat up and attracted a lot of attention to myself in the emergency room. I rolled off the side of the patslide, and my body fell to the floor. Jaehyun was being wheeled in on a bed.

"COMMENCE CPR!" A nurse yelled.

"Wh-what?" I stumbled to my feet. I felt drunk... my body wasn't responding... they must have given me a sedative.

"JAEHYUN! JAEHYUN!"

I ran over to his bedside, as fast as my heavy legs could carry me, to the surprise of the surrounding nurses. He wasn't breathing. His eyes were closed, and his pale lips rested apart.

"JAEHYUN!" I screamed and shook his chest. I couldn't seem to scream loud enough. I looked down at the gunshot wound. The dark blood had already coagulated, and nurses were disinfecting the area with gauze.

_I killed my baby._

All of a sudden, I felt myself being pulled away from the bed. I felt a set of hands on each of my arms. He was wheeled away into the operating area.

"DEFIBRILLATOR! I NEED A DEFIBRILLATOR!" A voice said in the distance.

I was slammed down on the ground. A buff, male nurse sat on top of me.

"Shh... Sh... relax..." I felt another pinch in my arm.

"Jaehyun... Jaehyun..."

"He's going into the operating theatre now."

"I... I did this... they were right."

"No, you didn't... Who was right?"

"I just need to see him..." I tried to get up, but I couldn't feel my legs.

"Please don't get up." The nurse said.

My body collapsed backwards. From the ceiling, I saw playing cards falling down, like leaves if I was lying under a tree. Red and black, the ace of spades, clubs, swirling in front of my vision. They span around before me, gliding in the air... 10, 5, 8, 2... The world was collapsing onto me... I was falling down into a rabbit hole. Would I soon greet the Mad Hatter? Or would I just have to look into the mirror?

I let it consume me.

The house of cards had collapsed. There was no hope of rebuilding it now.

 

~~~

A/N: this isnt the last chapter ! 


	46. SWAY

_Make it one for my baby... and one more for the road..._

I woke up in a blank, white expanse. A soft mist was dancing around my body. I sat up and turned around. The muffed music was echoing in the space as if I was in a grand hall.

I stood up and squinted my eyes. I couldn't believe what I was seeing... 

"Is that..." I muttered. 

I slowly stepped closer to them, and their details came into view... Jaehyun and I were dancing to the record that I chose, just like in the living room that day.

"Hey..." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, and circled them... us... well, me. They did not respond.  _Was I even myself?_  I looked down at my arms and legs, and they all seemed familiar. I pinched myself, and I felt a sting of pain. I squeezed my palm with my thumb, and I could feel bone, flesh, and muscle... This confused me even further.

 _"Step backwards when I step forward,"_  I said.

I reached out to touch Jaehyun, but my hand went straight through him - he was composed of nothing more than the mist at my feet. I stepped back in fright. He was before me, but he was completely intangible. 

 _"When you step right, I step left. Got it? Just follow my lead."_  I said with a laugh.

_I've got the routine  
_ _Put another nickel in the machine  
_ _I'm feeling so bad  
_ _Can't you make the music easy and sad_

I watched myself look at Jaehyun in the eyes. I recalled memories of the day... it was unfolding again right before me.

_I could tell you a lot  
_ _But you've gotta be true to your code  
_ _Just make it one for my baby, and one more  
_ _For the road_

Jaehyun accidentally stepped on my toes, and we both erupted into laughter. I rested my head on his chest, and Jaehyun pulled me closer to him. My eyes welled up with tears. Everything seemed so simple and so innocent...

 _You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet  
_ _And I got a lot of things I'd like to say  
_ _So when I'm gloomy, won't you listen to me_  
"Til it's talked away  
Well, that's how it goes..."

Jaehyun began to sing the last few lines of the verse. I smiled. I missed the sound of his voice so desperately. I shed tears of both joy and sadness, or something in-between the two - somewhere between a wolf and a dog. It was all too overwhelming. We looked at each other with sheer adoration, at each other's uncorrupted beauty and contentment. 

"Stop..." I whispered. " _Stop_..." I repeated, this time louder as if they could hear me. I tried to erase the vision of us, whatever we were, whatever I was, by flailing my arms around, trying to make them dissipate.

All of a sudden, they faded into mist and fell to the floor. The music stopped and I gasped.

Then, the floor opened up beneath me, and I fell into pitch blackness. I could feel my body falling through the ether, my body jetting through the air.

I landed with a thud in another anonymous space. This time, the purple sky was filled with stars. The air was knocked out of me. I got up, stumbled forward slightly, and coughed, and brushed the dirt and dust off my knees. In the distance, I could see someone running away from me, towards an ambiguous structure in the distance that I couldn't quite make out.

"HEY! WAIT!" I yelled. I picked up my pace and went running after them, as fast as I possibly could. As I shortened their lead, I realised that I was myself, again... this only made me run faster. As I approached the house, I instantly recognised it. It was Jaehyun's house in Seoul.

I wiped a thin layer of sweat off my forehead and tried to gain my breath. I slowed down as I entered the gates of his house. The other version of me was knocking at the door, in a panicked stupor... was this from my own memories?

The other version of me slumped against the door frame, conspicuously exhausted... I remember... I had just been told about the deal with Wei Ren... and I had made the mistake of going to Jaehyun's house, of bringing myself closer to him, of depending on him... of making my problems his, when I had every reason to distance myself from him.

I knocked once, and there was no answer.

"LEAVE, YOU IDIOT! LEAVE!" I couldn't help but say. I was so angry at the decisions that I had made - I would have done anything to reverse them... I would have done anything to distance myself from Jaehyun if it guaranteed his safety and his sanity. I was so stupid... so stupidly in love...

I knocked again, and my body relented into itself. I sighed.

 _"Please... fucking please."_  I slapped the door, and I heard myself crying.  _"I need you,"_  I whined helplessly.

"Don't... turn around you  _fucking_   _IDIOT!_ "

I sprinted up the stairs, and I tried to grab myself again. Once again, my hand flew straight through me.

I watched myself collapse to the floor and cry like a baby.

"LEAVE YOU FUCKING FOOL! GET UP!" I screamed, almost tearing my hair out.

The door swung open, and the other version of me made eye contact with jaehyun.

"CLOSE THE DOOR! SAVE YOURSELF! LISTEN TO ME!" I didn't even realise it, but I had started to cry again.

"LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!" I yelled at Jaehyun's unresponsive entity.

" _Stay...."_ An ethereal voice echoed behind me. My soul nearly jumped out of my body, when I turned around to face the other direction and saw Jaehyun standing before me. I felt his warm hand against my cheek. I tried to breathe, but I couldn't... I was so riddled with confusion. I felt like I was a character in someone's video game.

My body fell backward, and Jaehyun watched me fall, seemingly in slow motion. I reached out to grab him as I fell. I felt the wind against my falling body again, and everything faded to blackness. I heard the rattle of a train and it grew increasingly louder the longer I fell. I landed in the middle of a train carriage, and I jolted upwards.

People walked straight through me as if I didn't exist... well, I wasn't even sure if I did.

I walked down the train into the next carriage. The air seemed familiar. Of course, my eyes landed on none other than Jaehyun... the first time I had ever seen him... the train stopped at the station near my house, and I watched myself walk on. I stepped back as if I was making way for myself to sit down.

"Baby..." I whispered. He looked so beautiful and full of life. His cheeks were fuller, and they were flushed a natural shade of pink from the humid train.

I remembered I seated myself opposite jaehyun.

Jaehyun looked up from his phone and looked at me; Lee Taeyong the schoolboy, the boy who lived in Seoul, the boy who likes poetry and basketball. He didn't stop staring at me, not even for a moment, and his mouth hung open slightly. Then, I looked at him, and his eyes darted away from mine and he shifted in his place uncomfortably; evidently flustered.

I laughed and cried at the same time. Even though I could visibly see that he was uncomfortable and embarrassed, I kept looking at him. I couldn't help myself. He didn't look up for the rest of the trip.

I knelt down in front of him and admired his face gazing down at his phone. I looked at his red cheeks, his pink ears, and how his dimples formed when he gulped...

 _"What did I do to you?"_  I whispered.

I started to hear a faint beeping noise, like that of a malfunctioning computer monitor. I whipped my head around to try and find the source of the noise. The images before me and Jaehyun started to fade and lose their vibrant colour; they folded into nothingness. 

"No..." I shook my head. I didn't want to leave that moment. I wanted to stay there for the rest of my life, looking at him, before I got to him, before I decimated him; and before I fucked his life up completely; before the gun entered his body... and before I lost my fucking mind.

I felt a sweeping, pulling, upwards motion like I was being grabbed by a giant or a god with strong hands.

I gasped, and inhaled deeply, and woke up. My body shot forward, and I sat up. The monitor beside me was beeping loudly, and I could see the vital signs monitor that measured my heart rate squiggling up and down quickly. I could almost feel my heart beating out of my chest.

I gained my bearings. I was in the hospital. I was lying in a bed. I panicked. I tried to get up, but I was handcuffed to the bed. I shook it and tried to slip my hand out of it, but it wouldn't budge. I looked down at my free arm and ripped the intravenous drip out of it. I pulled the tube out of my throat, and nearly choked on it. I struggled for breath and gagged. Alarms blared, which frightened me. I kicked the blankets off my legs, and I was wearing nothing but a hospital gown. The cold air shocked my thin, weak frame, and goosebumps rose on my arms and legs and I felt my spine shiver.

I felt myself sway back into reality. Memories of the last day, week, whoever long it been, flooded into consciousness. a single, coherent thought floated into my consciousness:  _Jaehyun_. 

"HELP!" I yelled pathetically. I tugged on the handcuffs, to no avail. "JAEHYUN! WHERE'S JAEHYUN!" 

The curtains surrounding my bed, blocking out any sense of the time of day, swung open. In paced a nurse, and two men. 

I pushed my myself against the back of the bed... who were they? Were they going to hurt me?

"Lee Taeyong." The shorter of the two men said. 

"These are police officers from your country. Please cooperate with them. They're here to help you." 

"Leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed at them, and I sat up on my knees. Neither of them flinched or were even slightly taken aback by my neurotic behaviour. 

The nurse pushed my shoulder gently back on the bed. 

"And you tore out your IV. Of course." she was speaking in fluent Korean. 

"FUCK OFF! WHERE'S JAEHYUN!? HUH?" I snapped. she looked up at me and smiled at me rather sympathetically. "I'll be back later. please speak to these men truthfully and honestly." she stepped out of the curtains and closed them behind her, and I heard a door close - and then a lock being snapped. 

The two men pulled up chairs and sat by my bed. I scowled at them... 

"Your friend at the motel saved your life."

"TELL ME WHERE HE IS! WHERE IS HE?" 

They did not retort. 

"You don't have the balls to tell me he died?" 

"Why don't you talk to us and we will tell you? An eye for an eye." 

"So you're blackmailing me." 

"No. We're making a deal." 

"I've made deals. They fucked up my life." 

"We're aware of that. But this one is different." 

We sat in silence. For some reason, I began to trust them. I didn't like them... but I trusted them. their eyes were kind, and they looked at me with concern, instead of disgust. I broke down in tears. 

"Just say what you want to say and then get the fuck out of here." I managed. 

"Taeyong... please look at us. you're in a lot of trouble. You're not one to be giving the orders here." 

The shorter one pulled his chair closer to my bed. 

"My name is Qian Kun. And this here is Dong Sicheng. We're detectives who were assigned to investigate your case. But the case solved itself before we could get to you." 

"Some detectives you are." I scoffed. "So, what are you going to do? Pump me with a lethal injection? Put a cap in my ass? Or lock me up for the rest of my life?" 

"That wasn't the plan, but we can arrange that if you wish." Sicheng spat. 

"Go to hell." I narrowed my eyes at him. 

"Sicheng, remain calm. You too Taeyong." 

"Well, tell your little dog to stop being an ass." 

"Look, we don't have time for this. you have many criminal offences to your name. Murder in the first degree is one of them. Would you like to hear the rest?" 

"Illuminate me." 

He pulled a file out of his briefcase, held it in front of him, and cleared his throat. 

"Possession of an unlicensed firearm, reckless driving, driving without a licence, driving a stolen vehicle, travelling under a false identity, possession of false identification papers, and tampering with evidence." 

I couldnt help but laugh. My manic cheering was followed by cowering and more tears. 

"And what about Jackson? I  _bet_  you he got away-" 

"He will be charged for his crimes as well. And I assure you, he will not get off lightly," he assured me.  _Thank god_  - I thought. 

"Ao, Lee Taeyong... we need you to cooperate with us. We think that we can get you a diminished sentence due to your...  _circumstances_." 

"Sentence?" 

"You're going to court, kid." 

Suddenly, I was faced with the harsh nature of reality after running from it for so long... all of the fantastical dreaming and visions of a life free of all this bullshit had finally caught up with me. I looked at the mint green curtains before me blankly. It was no longer a game... the cards had been dealt, and I had lost. 

"Tell us about what happened, Taeyong," Sicheng said. "Help us understand." 

"You will  _never_  be able to understand my problems and my pain. There are no fucking answers to my problems." 

"There are answers, Taeyong. We can get you help." 

"Just tell me where the fuck he is..." I shook my head and pressed the back of my head into the bed. 

"We aren't actually meant to tell y-" 

I jumped off the side of the bed, and dragged it along with me, knocking down all the monitors to my left. 

"TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK HE IS! TELL ME WHERE HE IS!" 

Sicheng pushed me back off Kun. 

"He was revived. But now you've got  _no hope_ of seeing him." 

I collapsed to the floor and burst into tears... more than tears. I felt my entire body overcome with emotion; I felt it in every fibre of my being. I felt dizzy, but simultaneously I was overcome with relief. I had never cried like that before. I cried, I screamed like a baby. He died. But by some work of a miracle, he was breathed back into life. I knew that he wouldn't leave me that easily. 

"Oh my god!" I squeezed my free hand into my eyes. I sat on the cold hospital floor, and I could feel my bony backside pressing into the floor, and my skin stretching over my spine. My hand still hung up, attached to the bed. 

"I need to see him. You don't understand... Just for a moment... Just quickly... I promise I won't hurt anyone... Please... PLEASE!" I implored. 

Kun got up off the floor and shook his head at me. 

"This is going to be a  _hell_  of a lot harder than I thought." 


	47. AWAKE

**_JAEHYUN'S POV_ **

The last thing I remember seeing was a bright, white light, as my fatigued body was lying on the hospital bed. I could hear nurses and paramedics screaming my name, but I was unable to respond. I let myself slip away.

" _Jaehyun_."

"Mom?"

My mother was walking towards me in an open, seemingly endless field. The sun was shining a soft yellow colour in the late afternoon. I looked down at my body and the gunshot wound was gone... but there was still blood on my pyjama pants. I felt tendrils of long grass at my feet as I walked towards her. She was standing there, greeting me with a smile. She looked exactly how I remembered her.

"I'm so proud of you." She whispered as she embraced me in a gentle hug. "I missed you so much, my beautiful boy."

"I..."

"Dont be scared, Jaehyun..."

"Am I dead?"

She did not retort. Instead, she smiled at me, revealing her dimples.

"You're not ready to go just yet." She added.

I knelt down in the grass and she mirrored me. I held her hands in mine.

"I don't want to leave you again."

"Your place isn't here."

"Then where is it, mother? Show me where I fit..."

" _Him_." She said plainly.

She wiped a tear that had made its descent down my cheek.

"You're so strong, Jaehyun... But now, you have to be even stronger..."

"Im sick of trying... what's the use?"

"Love." She whispered. She held my face in her hands, and I closed my eyes.

"You must make a decision, Jaehyun. Will you let go? Or will you fight? I know the boy I raised... I know what he would chose."

"I'm not ready to let go." I decided. "But... how will I see you again? I dont want to let you go."

"We will meet again some day. I promise you... Ill be watching you, Jaehyun. I will be by your side, forever..."

She got to her feet, and smiled down at me peacefully.

 _"I... I love you..."_ I muttered through my tears.

 _"_ A house of cards can be rebuilt, Jaehyun."

"W-what?"

"Don't let go..."

She turned around and walked away... I went to follow her. I wanted to hold her hand one last time. I wanted to feel her arms around me. But, my body collided with a wall of glass, although, I couldn't see it. I stepped back, trying to observe it, but I saw nothing. I banged my fist against it.

"MOM! COME BACK!"

She couldn't hear me.

"MOM! MAMA!'

I slammed my fists into it as hard as I could. I watched her figure rise and then descent over the hill in the distance. She didnt look back once.

"MOM!"

I crashed both of my hands into it, and it shattered with a loud, high pitched bang. Shards of glass toppled down from the sky, and I knelt down and held my hands over my head. Everything faded to blackness.

"Jaehyun... that's it... try and open your eyes..."

"Mom?"

I struggled to open my heavy eyelids. I felt a sharp, constant, and stinging pain in my lower right abdomen.

"That's it."

I felt someone gripping my arm. I looked down at it, and then up at the girl. It was a nurse with kind eyes. I tried to sit up, but my body felt heavy. I looked down at my body, and there was a large patch of gauze and bandages covering the area of the stinging pain. I wondered if the bullet was still inside of me- because it sure felt like it.

"You died, Jaehyun. But our paramedics were able to revive you. You might feel a little light headed from the lack of blood flow to your brain, but it should go away soon."

As my vision focused on what was before me, I saw a girl sitting in the corner of my room with her hands clutched to her chest. She was wearing a neck brace and was wearing what appeared to be hospital issued clothes. She leapt out of her seat when I made eye contact with her.

"I was so worried."

"Wei Ren?"

"Hi, Jaehyun."

"W-what the?..."

"Don't be alarmed. She's cooperating with the police." The nurse affirmed.

"I'm on your side."

I suddenly felt overwhelmed.

"I'll give you some time alone. I'll be back soon. Press this button if there is an emergency."

Wei Ren watched the nurse leave, and then she sat down on the side of my bed.

"I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble. I... I didn't know." She started.

"Taeyong... where's Taeyong?"

"He's..." she hesitated, and looked around her to assure she was not in ear shot of anyone. "I'm not meant to be telling you, but he's not doing well."

I felt my heart sink. I closed my eyes, unable to bear what I was seeing and hearing. To be honest, I don't really know what I expected... did I really think that I would be told that he was fine and dandy, and making a speedy recovery?

"How... how long was I out?"

"A week. In an induced coma. They said that they had to stabilise your condition."

"A... a week!? Is Taeyong still here!?"

Anything could have happened between now and then.

"He was transferred to another facility about 4 days ago, so I was told. Well...  _jail_."

"Am I going to be able to see him?" I asked wishfully.

"I think you and I both know that's not going to be possible."

I sighed and paused.

"He's lost it, hasn't he?"

"Im afraid so."

We both knew what we were talking about. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

"How do you feel?"

"I... I dont know how I feel. I don't know what im feeling." my eyes started to sting.

"You're allowed to say that youre in pain."

"I think I'm immune to it."

Wei Ren looked down at me sympathetically.

"The police will be here to talk to you soon. I'm being discharged today. But I'll come and visit you tomorrow."

"You don't have to do that. Go back to Seoul... live your life."

"There's nothing there for me anymore." She said with sorrow.

She got up off the bed and waved a shy goodbye, and walked out of the room. She was yet another victim of her families corruption... I had every reason to be angry at her for what she did to Taeyong, but she didn't know any better - she didn't know the truth. And now that she did, she saw the evil behind it. I was glad she did, no matter how much it hurt her, or put her in danger. She actually tried to save us. She was much kinder than I expected.

I closed my eyes and wanted to go back to sleep. Just when I thought that I would finally have some time alone, I heard the door open again. In walked Yuta.

"I know that you probably don't want visitors, but I came here as soon as I was notified that you woke up."

"I-it's okay."

I didnt know how to react upon seeing him. I felt completely numb.

"You called the police." I blurted.

He sat down on the chair beside my bed, sighed, and rested his forearms on his knees.

"I didn't know what else to do. I heard gunshots... plus, that blonde asshole tied me and my mother up when I wouldn't tell him if a Nam Sangwoo and Han Yoon-Oh were staying at the motel."

"You saved my life." I croaked. "Even though I died... you saved it."

"You really did love him, didn't you?" he changed the subject. I hesitated for a moment.

"I did... I do... a lot... have you spoken to Taeyong since... since..."

"No. I haven't. He wasn't allowed any visitors. For obvious reasons."

We were interrupted by the door opening yet again. It was the police.

"Yuta?"

His head darted up to the door, and his mouth hung wide open. He stood up.

"Sicheng?"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Who are you? Hah, what is this, some kind of family reunion?" The shorter of the two police officers sassed. The two did not break eye contact, not even for a moment.

"My name is Qian Kun, and this here is Dong Sicheng. We're detectives, and if you don't mind we would like to ask you a few questions about the case."

I felt my heart sink.

"I thought... you were in Korea."

"I'm here working on a case... I... why are you here?"

"What is this? We're working, and you're in an unauthorised space, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Kun stated.

I was looking on at them, confused.

"Please excuse me. I'll leave you alone." Yuta said, defeated. Sicheng watched him walk out, and I could almost see the sadness build up in his eyes.

"That was Yuta, you prick. I told you about him, but you must have been too drunk to remember."

"Anyways, sorry about that. Remarkably unprofessional." Kun ignored Sicheng's remark, and his shoulders slumped. "Do you think that you'll be able to answer a few questions about the case? Only if youre able to, of course." He spoke in a falsey kind tone which made my blood boil; he acted like I had an option.

"I think if I didnt you'd interrogate me anyways." I spat.

"Smart boy, likes to do things the easy way, unlike your friend Taeyong."

They sat down on fold out chairs beside my bed, and I struggled to sit up and face them. I winced in pain and held my side. I scowled at them... speaking of Taeyong so rudely, like he was beneath them. They had no idea what he had been through. To them, he was just a criminal. To me, he was a damaged villain of circumstance.

"Yeah... he was always... the  _argumentative_  one." I narrowed my eyes at Kun. I tried to remain calm. I didnt have the energy to resist anymore.

"Anything you say or don't say can and will be held against you in the court of law. So tread carefully, Jung Jaehyun. It's best not to lie or it'll catch up with you."

It seemed that Kun had an underlying hate or resentment towards me... or was he just doing his job, cutting out the emotional bullshit?

"About a week and a half ago you and Mr Lee Taeyong seemingly disappeared off the face of the planet. Can you tell me why?"

"He... he killed... he killed his father."

"Can you describe the circumstances surrounding his death? Try and tell me every possible detail that you can."

"Youre asking me this because you think Taeyong is lying, don't you?"

"We don't think anything. We're trying to help you, Jaehyun." Sicheng interjected. Kun smiled at me in disbelief.

"Taeyong's father was the head of the mafia. He was a money and power hungry man. Taeyong never felt any love from him. He raised Taeyong like one of his underlings instead of a son... so I suppose you cant really blame him for being the way that he is. I think his father taught him how to use a gun before he could fucking walk." I scoffed.

"So you're saying that he was predisposed to kill?"

"Don't twist my words. I'm saying that he was constantly surrounded by things that no child should be surrounded by. May I continue?"

"Yes, by all means."

"He lived on his own in Seoul... he was so isolated his entire life. His family didn't care about him. His mother hasn't seen him for years. They only used him... used him to get money."

"How did they use him?"

"The deal, the ultimatum, whatever you want to call it, with Wei Ren."

"Tell us about that."

"They told him that he had to marry Wei Ren because when her sick father died, she was the sole heir to a  _fuck_   _tonne_  of money. Mr Lee wanted that money... he wanted it more than his own son's happiness. So he forced Taeyong to get close to Wei Ren. And once he got close, once their estate would be shared through marriage... he would kill her and inherit all the money for Mr Lee to use for himself and simultaneously dismantle a rival enterprise."

Kun leant back and whispered something in Sicheng's ear. He raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"I see... now... Mr Lee's death... describe everything that you know about it."

I gulped, and was flooded with an array of memories.

"The mafia kidnapped my father and I... I dont even know if he's alright, or where he is."

I held back tears.

"All I remember is being taken into a car and being knocked out by Jackson. Then, when I woke up, I was in some kind of basement, chained to the wall like a dog. They took me out of it, and that's when I met Mr Lee."

"What happened then?"

"He told me to stay away from Taeyong or he would kill me."

"And how did you respond to that?"

"I said... no."

"You've got balls kid, I'll give you that." Kun and Sicheng laughed in disbelief.

"Taeyong pleaded and begged to let me go, he said that I would stay away from him... but I told him that I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because I love him. Because I knew that I wouldn't be able to. He may as well have just killed me. And I think that's what he planned on doing. He told everyone to leave the room, and he tied me to a chair. He could have just shot me, but the evil prick wanted Taeyong to do it. He went behind him, and held the gun in Taeyong's hands."

I suddenly found it hard to talk about. Shivers shot down my spine. It was the first time that I had properly recalled the event so vividly and in such detail.

"Taeyong then held the gun up to his head, and I thought that he was going to kill himself. But I think that was just a tactic to confuse Mr lee, because he let go of him. Then he hit his father in the face, he fell, and he shot him in the shoulder."

"What did Mr Lee say? Did he say anything?"

"He said something like... you've lost your head. I dont quite remember. But I specifically remember what Taeyong said. I haven't lost my head. But you're about to lose yours... And just like that. He shot him. A crack shot, right in the middle of the forehead."

"You speak of it like youre proud of it."

"Where the fuck did you get that from?"

"It was just a suggestion."

"Look, it was me or him. Or Taeyong. One of us had to die. It wasn't Taeyong's idea. It was Mr Lee's."

"That's a fair statement to make." Sicheng commented.

"Why did you run from it?" Kun snapped.

"Because... because... I knew that we would be in danger. I'm not an idiot. I know that it was the wrong thing to do. But I had to do it. I wanted to do it. If we didn't... I probably wouldn't be alive right now."

"There are reasons behind your somewhat... heinous behaviour. Your story matches with Taeyong's perfectly."

"You questioned him?"

"Of course we did."

I didn't know how to react.

"And because of this, because of the circumstances that were forced upon you, we think that we could get you a diminished sentence. Provocation, something like that."

"Am... Am I going to jail?"

"Your worst charge is an accessory after the fact. And even then, there was an absence of malicious intent. Taeyong might not be so lucky."

"He doesnt belong in jail. He doesnt belong there. please... please do what you can to help him."

"He doesnt belong in jail. He belongs in a mental insitutitution."

I gasped at his audacious remark.

"Don't speak like you know about him. Dont speak like you know what he's been through. You think you know him but you don't ... and you think you own him now, don't you? You think youve contained him under your wing. But let me tell you something you motherfuck-"

"That's quite enough, Jaehyun." Sicheng interjected.

"Are we done here?" I folded my arms and leant back on the bed, without wanting to make eye contact with them.

"I think we've got all the information we need. For now. Thank you for your cooperation." Kun said coldly. He got up and paced out of the room. Sicheng stood up and attempted to look into my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I really am... you didnt deserve this. That isn't a real cop-like thing to say, but this is just one of those freaky cases where... you can't help but sympathise with the perpetrator. I would have done the same thing."

I looked up at him.

"Please give this card to Yuta if you see him again. We're sorry to bother you."

"Do you know him?"

"I guess you could say that."

**_4 DAYS PRIOR_ **

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

I had just woken up when a flock of nurses entered my room without warning. They practically pulled me off my bed, and held me roughly. They uncuffed me, only to cuff my hands behind my back again.

"Cuffing his hands behind his back? Is that really necessary? Give the man some dignity."

He took the cuffs off and locked them in front of me.

"Youre going to the police station for questioning." A strong, male nurse stated.

I was walked out of the hospital room, sort of happy to finally be out of there. I was getting claustrophobic.

I looked in all of the surrounding rooms through the clear glass. Most of them were old, practically on their death beds, yelling, snoring, being fed.

Then I saw Jaehyun. I stopped in my tracks. He had tubes down his throat, and his skin was so pale, it was almost green.

"Oh no..."

"Jaehyun... is that him?"

"No, its not..." the nurse said as he tugged my arm, prompting me to keep walking. But I resisted, and pulled my body away from him and closer to the window. I nearly mistook him for someone else. He looked almost unrecognisable.

"That's him. That's him!"

"Let's go, Taeyong."

"NO! NO! I just want to see him, just for a second. Let me go and see him, please."

I tore my weight away from them.

"Keep walking."

"NO..." I raised my voice slightly. this only made them pull on me harder.

"NO!" I screamed. I head butted the nurse, and flung my body around.

"JAHEYUN! JAEHYUN!" I banged the cuffs against the window. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

I tried to jiggle the door handle, but the door was locked.

"JAEHYUN! JAE! JAE PLEASE! IT'S ME!"

He was unresponsive.

I felt two strong arms grip each of my arms.

" _This_  is why we cuff his fucking hands behind him."


	48. CRAZY

TAEYONG'S POV 

A buff security guard slammed me down on a cold metal chair in front of a metal table. I was in the interrogation room. I shivered slightly. The orange overalls that I was issued didn't provide me with much insulation at all, and not to mention, they hung off me like my body was a coathanger. The room had no windows, and there was not a single shadow cast in the room. The bright, white light drowned out any concept of day or night.

"Cooperate, or don't. It's your choice, really." Kun sassed. "If you don't, I cant guarantee you that your trial won't be held in Korea. The Japanese police already consider you dangerous and want to apprehend you themselves. They aren't messing around, Taeyong. This isn't a fucking fantasy."

I slumped my head and paused.

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me where you met Jung Jaehyun."

I cleared my throat and willed myself to look up at them. "It was sort of by accident, really. It was my first day of school at Seoul grammar. I saw him on the train, sitting opposite me."

Images of that day flooded my mind. I suppressed them all back down to the pits of my soul.

"That doesn't mean anything." Sicheng commented.

"He was flustered... he blushed and looked nervous. I was drawn to him instantly, and he knew it. When we got off the train, he walked ahead of me, but I followed him closely. When we arrived at school, I looked for an excuse to talk to him. I asked him where the administration office was."

"Did you know where it was?"

"Yes. I'd been there before on a brief orientation."

"Have you always been sure of your sexuality?"

"Yes."

"We're you always aware of the conspicuous consequences of your sexuality with regards to your family life?"

"Yes."

"So why get involved with him?"

They were not wasting any time in asking me questions, one after the other, barely giving me any time to think. Perhaps it was a good thing... 

I paused in thought and laughed. 

"How could I possibly resist someone like that?"

Kun and Sicheng exchanged a look.

"Describe the nature of your relationship up until you found out about the deal with your father."

"We should stop calling it a deal. Because I didn't agree with it. It was more of an-"

"Imposition?" Sicheng interjected. 

"Yes. Of sorts..." they let me continue. "Our relationship was good. Almost too good. But we had revealed things about ourselves that brought us very close, very quickly..."

"Can you tell us about those things?"

"I told him about my life, my father's position, and the consequences of my sexuality. I remember after we uh... spent some time together, I sort of freaked out. Because I realised that I actually really... really fucking liked him... That's when I told him I thought I couldn't be around him."

"Right. And what sort of things did he tell you?"

I sighed.

"His father was an alcoholic. When I went over to his house to work on an assignment, his father had smashed everything valuable in their home... including Jaehyun's mother's urn. So he told me about his father's alcoholic behaviour after that."

Kun and Sicheng were looking at me intently. "His father also fucked him. I can tell that you were waiting for me to say that."

"That could explain your rather... codependent dynamic." Sicheng commented.

"You say it like its a bad thing."

"It's unhealthy to depend on others thinking they hold the cure to all your problems. It sounded like you trusted each other very quickly."

"He was my cure and I was his."

"That's a bold statement." Sicheng scoffed and leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

"I'm getting a better idea of the way that you two operated," Kun said as he took some notes on the file before him. I wondered the things that he could be writing... Psycho? Sociopath? Borderline? Codependent lover?

"And now, about the; imposition, as you describe it. What did you do when you found out about it?"

"I went to his house." 

"Was that really a wise thing to do?" Kun scoffed. 

"What else could I have done?"

"Distance yourself from him. For both yours and his sake."

"And in its place participate in illegal behaviour that could result in the death of an innocent girl?"

"If the mafia shuts up, so do the police. You should have known that."

I slammed my fists down on the table.

"You know what? I should have run away there and then. But I didn't. Then I wouldn't be sitting in front of you fuckers explaining shit that you'll never understand, picking my flesh off my bones like I'm a piece of fucking meat. Some fucking detectives you are." I spat at them.

"We didn't make that decision. We're just doing our jobs. Trust me, I don't believe in it - that warped sense of justice is intolerable to me. But we're not one to really interfere with such powerful enterprises."

"Look what happened to you when you did." Sicheng remarked.

I wanted to launch my body over the table and strangle that motherfucker. I would have taken sufficient pleasure watching his face turn purple, and his eyes pop out of that pretty face of his. I clenched my jaw and tried to steady my breathing. I felt an unshakeable rage build up within me, right from my toes all the way up to the crown of my head.

"Allow me to continue. Did you make any effort at all to stay away from Jaehyun after finding out about the imposition?"

"No..." I said through clenched teeth. I pressed my fingernails into my palms. Kun scribbled down some more notes.

"I can see that you never really considered being apart from him as an option."

"Correct." 

"I see..."

"What do I have to do around here to get a fuckin' cigarette?" I snapped. Kun walked out of the room and left me alone with Sicheng. He did not break eye contact with me, even for a moment. He had a stare that said: try anything, I dare you, and I'll make sure you never leave this damn country. He had a soft face and soft features, but an intimidating gaze. Kun returned and placed a cigarette in-between my lips, and lit it for me. I nodded a thank you to him, and he sat back down.

"Now, for the fun part. Describe the circumstances surrounding your father's death."

I blew smoke into his face.

"Fun? You twisted piece of-"

"This conversation is being recorded and will be shown to the Judge overseeing your trial, so... perhaps you should be on your best behaviour if you wish to get a lenient sentence."

I felt completely defeated.

"Jackson captured Jaehyun according to my father's orders... he was knocked out for days... they held him in a basement. I had no idea where he was until they brought him up to a room where a meeting was being held... I guess you could call it a meeting."

"Who was there?"

"Jackson, my father, Jaehyun and I, and a whole lot of my father's associates... at first. Then, they told Jaehyun to stay away from me or they would kill him."

"How did he respond to that?"

"He said no. He said that he wouldn't."

"So its fair to say that you were both unwilling to be apart from each other, even if your lives depended on it. Hah, this sounds like Romeo and Juliet."

"Don't make a mockery out of me. Or him."

"Don't take everything I say as an attack."

I swallowed my anger and tried to continue. 

"And then when Jaehyun said that he wouldn't stay away from me, I begged him. I begged him to just say it, for the sake of his own life. I wanted him to stay away from me. Even if it meant that I could never see him again, I just... I just didn't want him to die. Then he tied Jaehyun to a chair and asked everyone to leave the room."

Kun looked at me suspiciously with a raised eyebrow. He didn't say anything.

"So... he held his gun up at Jaehyun, ready to kill him. But that... it wouldn't satisfy him. That wasn't enough. Then he said that he wanted me to do it. He came behind me and forced the gun into my hands... and... said that I had to kill him." I added.

"That must have been terrible."

"Jaehyun practically begged me to do it. Then something came over me. I... I decided that I would kill myself... but the way Jaehyun was looking at me with those eyes... those fucking eyes... I couldn't do it. There was no way, even if my father had his finger over mine on the fucking trigger, that I could ever do that to him. If I killed myself, they'd probably kill him anyway. But I held the gun up to my head, and my father let go of me and asked me what the hell I was doing. Then I saw my chance, and I took it."

"Chance?"

"I elbowed him in the face and kicked his ass to the ground. I shot his shoulder."

"A classic disarming shot. Who taught you that?"

"My father. Who else?"

"What in gods name did you say to him?" Kun said in disbelief.

"I'm not losing my head. But you're about to lose yours."

"Hah... what?"Kun laughed in disbelief.

"Then I shot him."

"Why did you do it?" Sicheng asked.

"Because Jaehyun loved me more than my father ever did."

"You know what? I think you're lying, Lee Taeyong. You say that everyone left the room because we have no way to gather evidence against that fact. The circumstances that you have so described surrounding your father's death... you make it sound like you didn't have a choice. You make it sound like it wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't my fault. My father was the one who loaded the gun. I didn't want anyone to die."

They both sat back in their chairs, and Kun ran his hands through his hair. I extinguished my cigarette in the ashtray before me.

"If I find out you're lying, Lee Taeyong..." Kun started with an ominous threat, but my conscience was clear. 

"I'm not lying. Why would I lie?" 

"Because you're good at it, and it feels good. Why else?"

"Think what you want. But I don't have any other story to tell you."

"Okay, then. Let's presume that what you told us was the truth. What then?"

"I stole a car from the garage and Jaehyun and I drove to a small town outside Seoul. We stayed in a shitty motel for the night. We drank alcohol, had a fight, and fucked. That's when it sank in. That's when I knew we were in trouble."

"That was a little more information than we needed." Sicheng blurted. 

"We found a burnt car in a field matching the one you stole. If you burnt that, then how did you get to Busan?" Kun continued.

"We stole another one."

"And you also travelled to Japan under fake passports. Who did you get them from?"

"Johnny Seo. An old friend of mine."

"Well, that matches the information that Jackson Wang gave us. He's dead. Jackson admitted to killing him."

I felt my heart sink.

"Jesus fucking Christ," I muttered and rested my forehead in my palms.

"We will be commencing negotiations with the Japanese police force later today to see if we can get you back home," Sicheng said as he stood up.

"Well, that's all we need for today. You'll also be undergoing a psychiatric assessment soon. Don't be alarmed. Thank you for your cooperation, Lee Taeyong."

They got up without saying goodbye, and they walked out of the room without saying another word.

KUN'S POV

"So, what do you think?" Sicheng asked me over my shoulder as I paced before him. 

"I think he's telling the truth. Or he's a pathological liar. One of the two."

"Well, we will find out when Jaehyun wakes up. What if they agreed on what to say before they got taken in?"

"I don't think they thought they were going to be found. And if they did agree on something, we will be able to tell. We will run them through a lie detector, all of that bullshit. It's hard to spin a web of lies with such exquisite detail. He barely hesitated when he answered us."

"That's true... but he's also crazy. We have no idea what he's capable of. he hasn't even got a diagnosis yet."

"He's crazy but... he's also got something about him that I can't quite describe. Like, under that cold facade, there is still just a sad, innocent, godforsaken teenager. He's just a kid, Kun."

"He killed his father, Sicheng. Are you telling me you feel... sorry for him?"

"Don't you?"

"I feel sorry for him because he's nuts. Not because of his sob story, not because he was seemingly forced to chose between killing his lover or father. Sicheng, we were trained not to take sides."

"How can you not take sides with him? He doesn't seem evil. He didn't kill his father because he wanted to."

I stopped in my tracks in the middle of the hallway.

"Enough of this bullshit. We have a job to do."

TAEYONG'S POV

In came a rather tall and thin woman with blonde hair pulled back into a bun. She wore a black suit and a tight black pencil skirt.

"Hello, my name is Kim Kyung-Min. I'm the psychiatrist assigned to your case." She said rather coldly as she took some papers out of her briefcase.   
"I'm here to help you. So I need you to be honest about how you feel and what you're feeling." She added. 

"Have fun trying. You won't get it. You won't know..." 

"I'm not saying that I'm going to know what you're feeling, or even empathise with it. That's an impossibility, Lee Taeyong. I'm just here to try and help you piece together what has happened, and why you're feeling the way you are."

"How do I explain to a doctor that it is raining while the sky is clear? Or that my car is moving while I'm sitting still?" 

"You don't have to explain anything. That's my job. You just have to be open and honest." 

"Listen, lady. I don't need a fucking "professional" to tell me that I'm crazy." 

"I'll be the judge of that."


	49. MAZE//BARS

**_TAEYONG'S POV_ **

"Ill be the judge of that."

I scoffed at her confidence in disbelief. 

"What exactly do you want me to tell you?"

"Well, judging from what information I've been provided, you  _"act out"_  when under stress, or you completely relent into yourself and shut down emotionally. There doesn't really seem to be an in-between," she said whilst studying her notes. 

I didn't like hearing the truth - but I also resented the fact that she thought that she had me all worked out - like I was as simple and predictable as a maths equation. 

"And I believe it is fair to say that you have somewhat lost your grip on reality. You don't respond normally to stimuli around you... does what I'm saying resonate with you?"

She looked up at me over the frame of her glasses.

"Somewhat? How can someone... ' _somewhat'_  lose their grip on reality?"

"Do you see things that aren't there, Taeyong?"

"Yes."

"But you're not seeing them now, correct? Because you're calm.  _Relatively_."

"...Yes."

"Therefore it is fair to say that you have a grip on reality. But it is the times in which you  _don't_ have a grip which I am worried about. Can you tell me about those times, Taeyong?"

I shifted in my seat and cleared my throat... I found it hard to find the words to textualise the twisted mess that I was feeling.

"But... what  _is_  reality?"

"That's a good question. For example, when you dream... one feels like it is an experience close to reality. But upon waking up, we realise that it is simply a manifestation of our subconscious, and we return to our homeostasis; or the state of being that we are in most often. Am I making sense?"

I nodded and looked at the floor.

"I used to get these really vivid dreams..."

I pressed my fingers into my eyes and sighed, as I tried to recall them.

"It felt like they got more real, and more intense as time passed, especially after I killed..."

"I understand."

"But then the dreams... they blended into reality, seamlessly... I was dreaming. but I was awake." 

"Hallucinating?" She suggested. 

"Not really. But I would snap out of it, as easily as a dream. I wouldn't realise that it wasn't real until I 'woke up.'"

"Do these episodes - we'll call them - make you feel scared?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to start you on 40mg of Lexapro to lift your mood, and 12mg of lithium to stabilize it. And 40 mg of Seroquel for the...  _dreams_."

My eyes widened as she ran off the cocktail of drugs that I was now meant to be taking. I grabbed the piece of paper before her and tore it out of her hands.

"HEY! What do you think you're doing?"

"Psychosis and schizophrenia? Borderline sociopathic symptoms? Symptoms of borderline personality disorder? Where the hell did you get this bullshit from?"

She snatched it back out of my hands and stood up, and put it in her briefcase with a huff.

"I've read your file. The police filled me in briefly about you. Take your meds if you want to have a chance of staying out of jail. I have other patients to see. But I'll be seeing you again in a week."

"I can't wait."

She rolled her eyes and paced out of the room, her tall high heels made footfalls on the polished concrete floor. _Great to make another friend,_  I thought.

I started to snicker, and then laugh at the triviality of it all. I erupted into laughter... it all seemed terribly comical for a moment. One side of me thought: "I just ran away with my boyfriend, for fuck's sake."

The other side of me was pressing the fact that "I just ran away with my boyfriend because I killed my father. Which nearly resulted in the actual  _death_  of my boyfriend." My laughter melted into tears, and I held my head in my hands. 

I missed Jaehyun. I missed him so badly. I felt an entire ache throughout my whole body. I knew that he had been revived, but I didn't know that if he was alright. He had been shot, for fucks sake. And to top it off he lost a lot of blood, and he probably shattered a few ribs as well - and who knows what organs were punctured. Perhaps he was lucky. But I didn't have all the answers. 

We would never be the same again. Perhaps we would never be able to be together again. Perhaps he hated me. Perhaps something changed inside him, and perhaps he couldn't forgive me. I felt consumed by rage and sadness. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go back to Jaehyun's house, and lie in his bed. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to go to the creek and feel the sun on my skin, I wanted to drink soju and smoke cigarettes in Jaehyun's lounge room and listen to old records. I wanted to feel his heat, his warmth. I wanted to look into his dark eyes that put the infinite expanse of the universe and all of the stars in the night sky to shame.

My home was with jaehyun. Some people believe that home is where you were born, or where you were raised. Some people believe home is with your family or friends. Some people see home as somewhere you have lived for a long time.

But for me, home is somewhere I belong.

And that is with Jaehyun.

I stood up and picked the metal chair from behind me. I picked it up and slammed it against the tiled walls. I pushed the table in front of me with my foot, and then I collapsed to the floor. I pulled the orange overalls over my head and willed for the world to disappear. I willed for myself to be teleported to somewhere else... another time... another place...

The door opened yet again, and he had to push past the table that I had pushed against the door.

"Jesus Christ? What is all this ruckus? You're left alone for five minutes and-"

"I miss him, Kun. I miss Jaehyun." I muttered under the fabric. 

He did not yell at me, or come over to me and pull me up by my handcuffs - I sure as hell was preparing myself for that. Instead, he walked over to me slowly and picked up the chair that I had kicked over.

"I know, kid. But I have some good news. You're going home."

I sighed in relief, and couldn't help but smile through my tears.

"The negotiations were finalised much faster than I expected. You're crazy so they don't want to deal with you." He said jokingly - but it held some truth.

"I don't blame them."

"I miss my girlfriend sometimes. A lot of the time. But sometimes when she's not with me... I can still feel that she's here." He continued.

"Where?"   
  
"In here."

He pointed to my heart on the left side of my chest. I looked down at his gentle hand, and more tears ensued.

"Stop feeling sorry for me... I hate it. You hate me."

"You're not my favourite person in the world, but I still have respect for you."

"Thank you."

"Come on. I'll get you something to eat. If you get any thinner you won't exist."

He grabbed my hands and helped me to my feet.

"We should be home in a few days when Jaehyun wakes up."

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

A few days had passed, and I was starting to feel a lot better. The days in the hospital seemed to blend seamlessly together. Wei Ren visited me a few times and brought me some snacks and flowers. Before I knew it, I was up and walking, and all that remained was a dull pain that I quickly adjusted myself to. I was told that I was healing well, but that wasn't a license to commence living like nothing had happened. 

It early in the morning, and I had just eaten breakfast. I was sitting in the chair facing the window, looking out at the bustle of the city. It comforted me, and reminded me that there was still a world out there... and it, in fact, did not revolve around me. I was alive, and I was breathing - for better or worse, I am still yet to decide.

I heard footsteps enter the room softly as if they were trying not to disturb me. I whipped my head around and was relieved when I was greeted with Kun and Sicheng.

"Hello, Jaehyun. How are you feeling?"

"A lot better, thanks."

"We're going back to Seoul for the trial. We wanted to tell you earlier but we didn't want you to push your recovery."

"When are we going?"

"The flight is scheduled for tonight."

"Is Taeyong coming?"

"Yes."

My heart skipped a beat.

"Do I get to see him?"

Kun and Sicheng exchanged a look.

"We'll see."

I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my emotions. I don't know whether I felt tears of joy or sadness and apprehension well up in my eyes. I could be seeing Taeyong. _I could be seeing Taeyong._

"H-how is he? Can you tell me that at least?"

"He seems to have stabilised a bit...  _a bit_  is a key word here." Sicheng answered.

"The last time I saw him, he was crying. He said that he missed you." Kun added.

"I miss you too, baby..." I mumbled, barely above a whisper.

"What was that, sorry?"

"N-nothing."

"I'll pack your things. I brought you some clothes as well. Then all we have to do is sign you out. I already spoke to the head nurse."

"Can I just ask, Kun, why aren't you treating me like a criminal?"

"Because you're not a threat to us. But don't get too ahead of yourself. By law, we still have to keep you in a holding cell at the airport."

"Are you treating Taeyong the same way?"

"He's got a potential murder charge, Jaehyun. He killed someone. Plus his behaviour is a bit... erratic at times."

"I know," I admitted.

"Take your time and pack your things. There will be medical staff on the plane, so you need not worry."

The thought that I might get to see Taeyong at some point made my heart race.

TAEYONG'S POV 

Kun came into my cell just as the sun was setting over Tokyo. It wasn't really much of a cell that I was being kept in... more so just a very basic room. It's clear that I was being thought of and treated as a psychotic murderer. But innocent until proven guilty, right?

"Time to go."

I darted up from my place on the table that I spent twiddling my thumbs the entire day. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was so nervous and anxious for the days to come. I could not control them like I used to. I could not predict the events that were to unfold... my fate was in someone else's hands... and I hated it.

He placed handcuffs on my wrists and we walked out of the police station and into a black car. I wore the clothes that were taken out of the apartment downtown and given to me. I carried my belongings in a garbage bag. Sicheng was already waiting in the car. I sat in the back next to Kun, and Sicheng sat in the front and directed the driver to Tokyo airport in fluent Japanese.

Kun did not take his eyes off me for a moment, and I looked up at him hesitantly.

"Are you excited to be going back home?"

"I guess so... but not really now that I think about it, to be honest." I hesitated. I wanted to be back in Seoul, but... I would soon be confronted with everything that I was running from.

"That was a stupid question." Kun confessed. I laughed nervously.

"We're going to have to do something about your hair before the trial." He added. "And we're going to have to do something about your skin and your face. We should put some makeup on you or something..." he added. 

"What are you trying to say?"

"Excuse my blunt speech, but you look like shit, Taeyong."

"Isn't that a good thing? I thought the plan in the trial was to show that I'm fucked up or whatever... diminished responsibility? Pleading insanity? Something along those lines."

"You're right. but...  _come on_."

"You don't have to make it any more obvious... I know."

I looked at myself in the rear vision mirror. I was confronted by a boy with sunken, wild eyes, and a skinny, pale face. I didn't dare to look at myself for the rest of the trip. I sunk down in my chair and looked out the window at the passers-by. The world was still spinning. The sun rose and set just like any other day. The world was indifferent to my suffering. Nobody was going to stop and feel sorry for me. Nobody was going to go out of their way to ensure my safety and care.

We arrived at the airport in about 45 minutes. The driver pulled over in the drop off zone, and Kun and Sicheng grabbed their suitcases out of the boot. I heard someone yell something in the distance, and then point at me. I felt my eyes widen, and I started to panic. News reporters and paparazzi started running over to us.

"Jesus Christ." Kun rolled his eyes.

"What's going to happen?"

"Ignore them. Come with me."

Kun grabbed my arm with his left hand and threw his right arm around my shoulders.

"Keep your head down."

Cameras were flashing and people were yelling, and an incredible amount of attention was being drawn to us. I buried my head in Kun's chest and I squeezed my eyes shut. We walked down the length of the long terminal that seemed endless... when we entered, they stopped following us in, but Kun did not let go of me. I stumbled beside him, and Sicheng lead us to what appeared to be the police station at the airport.

He flashed his identity card, and he exchanged a few words with the Japanese police officer, and the door buzzed open. Kun let go of me, and I stepped away from him and took a deep breath.

"Your situation makes for a good story. Don't worry about it."

"How do people even know about it? I'm so confused..."

"Your missing person report was broadcasted in Korea and news of the police bust got out. I guess people put two and two together."

"People are sick. They really don't care about me, do they? They don't care that it could ruin my li-" 

"People will do anything for a scoop that they can sell. People will do anything for money. Don't let it bother you, kid."

"Believe me, I know."

They led me down an empty hallway with cells lining either side. They were stark and plain, and some of the bars were covered with a thick layer of plastic.

"We'll be back, okay? We just have a few things to do, papers to sign, etcetera."

"Okay." I faked a smile as they walked away.

I did not want to be alone. I rested my heavy head on the thin matrice on top of a metal bed frame, and somehow, I fell straight asleep.

I felt a cold breeze on my face, and dampness against my cheek and the smell of earth filled my nose. Inhaled, and woke up.

All around me were tall walls of greenery. I felt the ground underneath me, and I gathered the blades of grass in my fingers. I stood up, confused. I looked up, and the night sky was covered with clouds, illuminated by the full moon which created a silver lining. I stood up and brushed the dirt off my trousers.

I felt exhausted - as if I had been running for hours. Part of me new that I was terribly lost. I walked down the corridor that was only about one and a half metres wide. I met the end of it and looked left and right, and I was met with more walls of green, and floors of grass. I was in a maze - just like the one where I remember I was with Jackson when I was a child.

"Taeyong?" I heard someone say with a fret.

"Tae? Where did you go?"

It was the unmistakable voice of Jaehyun.

"JAEHYUN!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and it echoed around me, despite the fact that I appeared to be outdoors.

"TAE!"

I ran down another corridor and was met by a dead end.

"JAEHYUN! Where are you!?" I felt excitement and fear swell within me at the same time.

I retraced my steps and ran in the other direction from where I had woken up. I took countless right and left turns. It felt like I was going around in circles, and not making any progress at all. My bare feet trod on the grass lightly, without a sound.

"Where are you baby!?"

"I'm right here!" He yelled in return. His voice sounded so close, but I must have been creating distance between us with every turn that I made.

"Follow my voice!" I suggested, which felt like a bit of an exercise in futility. I expected a reply, but I heard nothing. I stopped in my tracks and put my hands on my knees. I was huffing and puffing, and I felt sweat on my forehead and through my T-shirt.

"Where the hell are you!?"

"I'm right here! I'm right here!"

" _Where!_ "

I felt my faith dwindling. Was I hearing things again? I shook away any doubt and continued to run down the seemingly endless corridors, taking twists and turns, trying not to go the same way twice. When I reached a dead end, I collapsed to my knees. I couldn't possibly run any further.

"TAE!" My head darted up, and standing at the opposite end of the passage was Jaehyun. I struggled to my feet and ran to him as fast as I could. He began to pace towards me as well. As I approached him, his features became illuminated by the moonlight. It was him. I smiled, and I felt tears in my eyes. Jaehyun fought back tears as he threw his arms over my shoulders, and I threw mine around his waist. I let out a laugh, like all of the worry was for nothing.

I pulled away from the hug, and Jaehyun held my face in his sweaty hands, but I didn't mind. He too looked exhausted.

"I've been looking for you for hours..."

"Where are we?" I asked curiously.

"I'll always try and find you, no matter what."

He ignored my remark as if he didn't hear me, but I was consumed by his charms.

"I missed you so fucking much," I muttered as I rested my forehead on his chest. I felt his hand snake up my nape, and he grabbed a gentle handful of my hair in his delicate fingers. I inhaled his scent and felt his warm skin against mine. He tilted my head up to face him, and he planted a passionate kiss on my lips. He went to pull away, but I deepened the kiss, as I had been so deprived of him for what felt like millennia. He followed my lead as he slipped his tongue into my mouth, and ran his hands along my lower back. I rested my hands on his chest and caressed his muscles with my thumbs. Suddenly, he pressed his crotch against mine, and I pulled away from the kiss to let out a moan.

I looked up at him again - only it wasn't him. I yelped in fright, and stumbled backwards and fell to the ground.

"JACKSON!?" I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. He smiled down at me maliciously. He advanced towards me, and I scurried backwards and tried to get to my feet - but my legs felt like jelly. "What did you do to him!?"

"I didn't do anything." He said with a snicker.

"S-stop fucking with me you prick. I know what you're going to say- that I did it- that I hurt him or some bullshit. Stop. It's  _over_."

"In your dreams,  _Lee_   _Taeyong_."

I tried to get to my feet, but Jackson advanced swiftly towards me and pressed his boot on my chest, and held me down. I felt all air escape from my lungs.

"Revenge is so sweet, don't you think? But it's so damn bitter to those who receive it. Like what they did was all for nothing."

He knelt down and replaced his boot with his knee, and rested his entire body weight on me.

"Don't worry... don't be afraid..." his hands brushed away the hair that had fallen in front of my forehead. I cringed against his touch and struggled to maintain eye contact with him. 

"I'm still the boy that you kissed in the locker room." He cocked his head to the side and looked down at me.

"You will never be him ever again and you know it." I managed. I tried to struggle away from him, but it was a fruitless pursuit. He reached behind him and pulled a gun out from his back pocket.

"How does it feel to be where your father was when you shot him?"

"Fuck off. Fuck off! SOMEONE HELP! JAEHYUN! JAEHYUN!"

This made him laugh maniacally. He enjoyed seeing me suffer.

He pressed the gun against my forehead, and I felt the cold shaft of the gun against my hot skin.

"You're still so pretty, Taeyong. You won't look so nice when I blow a hole in your fucking head."

"STOP!"

I arched my back and kicked my legs, but I continued to be crushed under his weight.

"Bang." He said coldly, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

I woke up to the sound of what appeared to be a metal door being slammed shut.

I exhaled sharply and darted up on my bed. I felt around me and then felt my forehead, expecting to feel a gunshot wound. There was nothing there - I was still in the cell. It was all just a dream... but I had no recollection of my being here - like I had been transferred seamlessly to another dimension.

 _"And I believe It's fair to say you have somewhat lost your grip on reality,"_  I repeated the psychiatrists' words in my head.

I heard footsteps approaching me, and I heard what appeared to be Sicheng and Kun's voice. I stood up and splashed my face with water, and dried it on my t-shirt.

"We're sorry that we have to keep you here," Kun said. At that time, it went straight over my head...

They approached my cell and I looked up. They stopped in their tracks. Jaehyun was standing in-between them, uncuffed. For a split second, we looked at each other in sheer disbelief - it was like God had pressed the pause button on the remote.

Without time to waste, he pressed play. He and I closed the space separating us, albeit, between the bars. I clutched onto his shirt and I immediately started crying. He gripped my face and I touched every inch of his body that I could reach frantically - was I dreaming?

"Oh my god. Oh my god. baby. Thank god you're okay. Is it really you?"

"It's me, Tae." He choked. We both leant in for a kiss.

"Come on, Jaehyun. That's enough." Sicheng said behind him.

"I'm so sorry, Jaehyun. I'm so sorry for doing this to you. I killed you."

"I'm alright! Look! I'm here!" He smiled through his tears.

I held both of his hands through the bars, and our eyes darted over every inch of each other's faces as if we had forgotten what each other had looked like. The colour in his face had returned, and he looked a lot healthier. You wouldn't have guessed that he had been inflicted with a fatal gun wound and a week later, woke up like virtually nothing happened.

We rested our foreheads and our noses against each other, and for a blissful moment, everything was perfect. But then it was robbed away from us so ungracefully.

"Grab him. This isn't allowed." Kun ordered. "I'm sorry, I really am."

"No... no!" Jaehyun raised his voice, and he clutched my forearm. They grabbed his shoulders and began to pull him away from me.

"NO! PLEASE! PLEASE!"

Suddenly, Jaehyun gasped and gripped his side, where he had been shot - just when I thought that he was alright. He must have tensed his muscles too hard, and his grip on my arm immediately weakened. They pulled him away from me, and our fingertips separated. I pressed my body up against the cold metal bars and screamed. He did not tear his gaze away from mine as far as he was in my field of vision.

"I'll see you soon, baby! Don't worry! I love you! I love you, okay!?"

Then he was taken out of the area and the door closed behind him. I was left alone in the silence yet again. He was gone. I stared at the door with my mouth hanging open - expecting it to open again, expecting him to walk back through. 

"FUCK!" I yelled and gripped my hair in my hands, nearly tearing it out. 


	50. DISTANCE

_**TAEYONG'S POV** _

I used to wonder if it was possible to think about someone constantly. I wondered what it would feel like to be consumed by someone, to have them never leave your mind. I sat on the window seat of the plane with Kun next to me. The plane lifted off the ground and I saw the veins of the streets of Tokyo shrink into the distance. I wasn't thinking about my father's death. I wasn't thinking about my mother who I hadn't seen, and who practically abandoned me. I wasn't thinking about the crimes that I had just committed, I wasn't thinking about the damage that I had received and the damage that I had administered. All I was thinking about was Jaehyun. I could feel his energy behind me, I felt like our consciousnesses were tethered by strings. Was it fair to say that he was thinking about me too?

I shivered in the cold, pressurised air of the plane. Kun reached beside him and ripped open a blanket out of a plastic bag that the plane had issued us, and he wrapped it around my shoulders. I looked up at him, but his gaze was already furtively averted back to his laptop screen before him. I looked out the window again, and we were already above the clouds. And just like that. I was on my way back to the very thing that I was running from. I think I was an idiot to think that there was a refuge from the situation in a different country. You can change the scenery, but not the fucking situation.

I closed my eyes and rested my bony back on the painfully upright, and rather firm plane seat, and fell into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

As the plane landed, we had to wait for everyone to get off. Once the plane was empty, Kun stood up and grabbed my shoulder, signalling that it was time to go. Simultaneously, at the other end of the plane, Sicheng and Jaehyun stood up. They walked to the back of the plane where we were situated. Jaehyun was walking behind Kun. I tried to catch a glimpse of him but to no avail. I sighed. Kun turned me around and we walked off the plane into the terminal. I was shocked by how busy it was. There were voices filling Seoul airport. Women, men, children, all excited, some alone, some together, all going about their day to day lives. I had returned to reality; and that the past few weeks were all just... a figment of my imagination. It felt like the memories of those days were stored in the same part of my brain that stored my vivid dreams. I knew that it was real- it happened, and it was as real as the world is round - although, It felt distant like it occurred in my childhood. It was no longer within reach. 

I felt like a deer in headlights. All of the people and their obnoxiously loud voices were intimidating me. Did they know about Jaehyun and I? Did they recognise us from the broadcast on the TV? Their laughs bothered me... how dare they laugh in the face of such tragedy? What gave them the right to be happy when I was so terribly distressed?

I kept my head down as we walked through the airport. We slipped through customs without even showing our passports as Kun had a word to the customs officer. I could feel Jaehyun's eyes burning into the back of my head as he walked behind me. I wanted to turn around and grab him by the shoulders and with a wink and a smile, say "let's get out of here" and run away again.

Kun and Sicheng grabbed their small suitcases off the baggage carousel a little further on. Outside, I could see the purple and blue sunset typical of Seoul - the light reflecting off the blue mountains surrounding the city. I was not comforted by this.

"We are going to take you to the police station for a further briefing with our boss, the Lieutenant. He will decide what to do with you up until the case."

"I just want to go home." I muttered helplessly.

"They're here!" I heard. My head darted up.

We walked out of the airport, and to my surprise, there were news reporters and flashing cameras that lit up as soon as Jaehyun and I made our way through the sliding doors. I looked back at jaehyun, and I could see the terror in his eyes. I ripped myself away from Kun's weak grip and latched onto jaehyun, and buried my head in his shirt. To my pleasure, Kun did not pull me away. Instead, Jaehyun held onto me as we walked across the street to the pickup zone.

"When will their trials be held? Officer, can you tell us anything?" One reporter said.

"No comment." Kun said bluntly.

"How do you feel about murdering your own father in cold blood?" A confident, outspoken, male voice said. He must have been looking for a dramatic catch for a juicy headline - I thought to myself. I felt Jaehyun's muscles tense as he held onto me tighter.

"Over here, boys."

I looked up and the blue and red flashing lights of the police car welcomed us. Jaehyun and I sat in the back obediently, and Kun sat next to us. Sicheng sat in the front and the car took off. I looked back, and the cameras were still flashing photos of the car driving away.

I looked at Jaehyun. I felt as though I wasn't allowed to be touching him. He grabbed my hand in his, and his eyes smiled at me - I couldn't read what they said. They didn't say "everything is going to be alright." They simply said,  _"I'm here."_  

"Don't get too comfortable. I'm going to have to separate you again once we get to the station. But it's good you're calming Taeyong down." Kun said, almost on cue - he spoke about me as if I couldn't hear him. Jaehyun and I did not exchange a single word. What on earth could we say? What words could remedy such a situation? What was the right thing to say? They would just be like a band-aid on a stab wound.

I simply rested my head on his shoulder and wiped the tears that were forming in my eyes. Jaehyun and I looked out the window at the streets that were once so familiar. We passed Seoul grammar, and I looked at the exact spot that I first spoke to Jaehyun. If only I knew then what I know now. Hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.

When we arrived at the police station, Kun obtained two pairs of cuffs out of the compartment in the front. Surprisingly, he even cuffed Jaehyun. We exchanged a look of fright. This was practically the first time that we would be coming in contact with law enforcement institutions in the country where our crimes were committed. We stepped out of the car, and somehow, my shaky legs carried me into the warm police station. Upon entry, I heard telephones ringing, and there was a constant, dull drone of conversation filling the room. We walked straight past the waiting area and we were lead down a long hallway. At one of the end rooms, Kun and Sicheng knocked on the door. They held both Jaehyun and I's arms firmly. I looked around in panic. I had no idea what lay behind the door.

"Come in." A deep voice said. Kun opened the door with his free hand and pushed us inside. Sitting at the desk was a middle-aged man with a moustache, who had light grey hair forming around his slightly receding hairline. He wore black glasses and a navy suit. He had an intense and intimidating aura.

"I'm Lieutenant Chang Jong Su. Take a seat. Thanks for bringing them here, boys. You're no longer needed. You will be rewarded for your hard work. Send two officers here - pronto - to arrange the transfer." He spat like a robot.

"Transfer?" Jaehyun inquired curiously.

"Excuse me?" He said, taken aback. "I don't believe I asked you to speak."

"My uh- ap-apologies sir."   
  
"Call me Lieutenant. I didn't earn this title for nothing." He said nonchalantly while sifting through his draws, evidently looking for something. He raised his eyebrows slightly when his eyes landed on a file, and he pressed it on the desk.

"Jung Jaehyun and Lee Taeyong."

Both of us were too terrified to reply. Jaehyun pressed his hands together, then wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs. He fidgeted his foot slightly.

"Mr Lee. Let's see..." he said while scanning his eyes down a piece of paper. "Possession of an unlicensed firearm, reckless driving, driving without a licence, driving a stolen vehicle, travelling under a false identity, possession of false identification papers, and tampering with evidence. And murder in the first degree."

"It's not first-degree murder. He didn't want to kill him, I-" Jaehyun blurted.

"Save your blabbering for court." He said without looking up. Jaehyun looked at me and swallowed his words.

"Mr Jung. Ah, this name seems familiar. I believe I know your father. Raging alcoholic, he's been here a few times charged for public drunkenness."

"I believe that's him, Lieutenant Chang." Jaehyun sounded like he was struggling.

"Criminal behaviour must run in the family." He looked up and snickered. Jaehyun's nostrils flared, and he furrowed his eyebrows at him slightly. His reaction made lieutenant chang laugh even louder.

"Reckless driving, driving without a licence, driving a stolen vehicle, travelling under a false identity, possession of false identification papers, tampering with evidence, and an accessory after the fact of what is currently being treated as first-degree murder. You've really outdone your father, haven't you? He must be so proud."

I stood up out of my chair. At that moment, I wondered what his head would look like on a stick.

"I don't believe we're here to be made a mockery of.  _Lieutenant_." I felt a tugging on the back of my shirt, and I was pulled back down. Jaehyun shook his head at me with wide eyes. I felt the tense air rise in the room.

"Ah... let's keep this short and sweet. I suggest you plead guilty to your crimes unless you are hiring the best lawyer in town. Your court hearing is scheduled for three days time. Be thankful that this case was bumped to the top of the hearing list due to the nature of your crimes. The department of public prosecutions will be overseeing the case. See of them as the plaintiffs. That's the way criminal cases work."

"I'm confu-"

"It'll make sense once you get there. If you do decide to plead not guilty to a sentence, well... good luck, kids."

"No, tell us. What if we decide to plead not guilty?" Jaehyun demanded. 

"Present any evidence you have to the judge that suggests that you are indeed not guilty of the crime. Understood?"

"Yes..."

"Taeyong, I've been informed of your...  _erratic_  behaviour and characteristic outbursts, so I am denying you bail. You will be remanded in custody until the trial. Jaehyun, due to your good behaviour, you will be placed under house arrest. And I forbid any contact to be made between you, in many forms, written or oral." 

_I knew it._

"He-he doesn't belong in jail... he shouldn't be going there." Jaehyun said in a panic.

"It's okay, baby. I'll see you in a few days."

"B-but... it's not fair. It's not fair at all." Jaehyun whimpered. Lieutenant Chang got up from his seat and opened the door. In came two officers, and he informed them of where to take each of us.

"I love you, okay?" I said as Jaehyun was grabbed by his cuffs and pulled up. For once, he was the one who was resisting...

"I love you too. Don't forget, alright? I love you, Tae!" He said hurriedly. They pulled him away from me, and his body melted into the dark hallway.

"Come on. You know where we're going. If you treat us well, we will treat you even better." said the chubby officer behind me with kind eyes. 

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

I was struggling to keep it together. I was going home. But I could not possibly be happy about it when I knew that Taeyong was being held in jail, behind cold bars at the police station. As I felt the distance grow physically between us, my desire to be closer to him heightened. What was the meaning of all this misfortune? Did it have a meaning? Did it have a purpose? Or did it happen for a reason?

I lingered on that thought on the ride back to my house.

What occurred did not happen for a reason. I lost faith in the saying that "everything happens for a reason"... because it doesn't. It's too  _easy_  to say that. It's just a simple way out of avoiding the reality of the situation, and perhaps making peace with it even if it's not a situation that deserves to be dismissed with such haste. What happened had no meaning. It did not have any significance in the grand scheme of things. It changed the course of our lives, but it didn't explain or fix anything... Not everything happens for a reason, but I found reason in what happened; I realised that no matter what happened, there was probably nothing that could make me stop loving Lee Taeyong. Did it take him to kill his father and us to run away and numerous bouts of psychosis for me to figure that out?

I'll let you answer that.

We pulled up to my house, and the old breaks screeched. It had started to rain about half way through our trip. The street lights were reflecting on the shimmery road. He took off my cuffs and walked me up to the front door. He knocked on the door loudly with his knuckles and adjusted his uniform while we were waiting.

After a few terribly long, drawn-out seconds, the door opened, and I felt my heart stop.

I was greeted by my father - my dishevelled looking father; who reeked of cheap wine and looked like he hadn't shaved in about two weeks.

"I've been expecting you. Thank you, officer." He said in a forced tone.

"Anytime. We will be sending you the conditions of his house arrest shortly. Have a nice evening." He bowed the tip of his hat and left our premises. My father pulled me in the house by the wrist gently and closed the door behind me.

"Oh, Jaehyun.... Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun..."

My father wrapped his arms around my shoulders and started to cry. I could not hug him back, even though I wanted to. I felt frozen. I was in complete shock.

"I'm sorry, dad."

He pulled away from me and held my shoulders and squeezed me gently.

"I got a call that you died."

"I'm so sorry... I'm so..."

"I didn't know what id be able to do if I lost you, Jaehyun."

"I was so selfish... I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologising. I'm just happy that you're here..."

"You've been drinking?"

"What else could I do?"   
  
"What about your girlfriend?"

"She's... okay. I don't think she could deal with me being such a wreck." He sniffed and wiped his eyes and fought back more tears. "My boy.. what did you do?"

"I did what you told me to."

"What?"

"Hold onto it with everything that I have." 


	51. DUST

_**JAEHYUN'S POV** _

"I did what you told me to."

"What?"

"Hold onto what it with everything that I have." I blurted.

"You sure did, son. You held on a little too tight." My father said with a toothless, fabricated smile. 

I shook my head at him. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me over to sit down on the couch in front of the TV. I felt rigid and stiff - almost like I wasn't allowed to be home. It all seemed remarkably domestic and normal compared to the past few days.

"You left these here before you left. I didn't know what they were, so I opened them. Sorry."

He handed me a package. I had almost forgotten that I had bought Taeyong and I matching rings. I reached into the bag and I pulled out two boxes. I opened one and was greeted with the silver rings I chose. I pulled it out of the soft velvety foam and tilted it up so I could read the engraving. It glistened slightly in the yellow light of the living room. I held it up to my lips and closed my eyes.

"Do you still love him?" He added. I paused in thought for a moment. The answer was obvious - I loved him. I loved him more than ever.

"Am I allowed to love him?"

"Of course you are. But is loving him good for you, Jaehyun?"

I lingered on his words - but I could not find an answer to his question, which was rather rhetorical.

"I think... I just want to be alone." 

I didn't feel like talking to Taeyong about anybody - because what I felt for him was deeply personal and I'm not even sure that it made any sense. 

"Do whatever you need to do. I'll be here if you want to talk about anything."   
  
"Okay... just... don't drink, for the love of God."

"I won't, Jaehyun, I won't. Not now that you're home."

I got up and he patted my back before I walked up the stairs and strolled into my room. I felt like a ghost of my own past, travelling in this abstractive realm.

I went to my room and looked around at the paraphernalia and belongings of what appeared to be Jung Jaehyun - or what used to be Jung Jaehyun. A thin layer of dust had already begun to settle on my furniture. I didn't really  _feel_  like me. It was like an actor that was playing me was walking around my room, looking at the books on my shelf, and flipping through the cigarette packets on my desk trying to find a smoke. I felt like a changed person - I was overcome with emotion. Usually, Taeyong was the one to break down and cry. I didn't even know if I wanted to cry. I found a cigarette and got my lighter off the bedside table, right where I left it. My bed was still unmade from the last time I left it - I was with Taeyong. I could almost feel his cells and the remnants of him on the slightly dirty sheets.

I shed a tear. I stared at my wall, trying to suppress whatever I was feeling. Part of me felt completely numb, and the other side felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was mourning. I was mourning the ultimate demise of Taeyong and I's relationship. I was mourning the loss of my previous life and innocence. I wasn't even mourning the death of Taeyong's father. I thought about it for a moment - did I even care that he was gone?

I took an inhale from my cigarette and wiped my eyes. I took solace in my solitude. It felt like I had not been alone for longer than a span of an hour for weeks. I reached behind me and took the phone off the hook, and dialled Lucas's home number. I sniffled and tried to compose myself as the line rang. finally, the ringing stopped.

"Hello?" A chirpy female voice said.

"Hi, this is Jaehyun. Jung... Jaehyun."

"Oh... Jaehyun? H-how are you?" she said, taken aback. 

 _I'm fantastic, Mrs Wong. Just dandy. -_ I said to myself.

"Could I please speak to Lucas?"

I was going to spare her my lies.

"Of course... he's in his room. I'll get him to pick up the line." She told me. "Yukhei, phone! It's Jaehyun!" She must have covered the phone with her hand because her voice was slightly muffled.

The subsequent silence was replaced with static.

"Jaehyun, is it really you?"

"It's me."

"Not some fucked up prank caller? Because I swear to god-"

"Yuk. It's me." I affirmed. 

"Jesus fuck... your voice... it actually  _is_  you this time."

"Don't tell me some fuckwits  _actually_  prank called your house pretending to be me?" I snickered through my tears.

"They sure did, dude... I uh... I'm a little shocked. I wasn't expecting this..."

"I'm home now and I didn't know who else to call," I said with a whimper.

"Are you crying?" He must have noticed my sombre tone.

"I fucked up Yukhei... I fucked up so bad." I couldn't hold back my tears any more.

"Jaehyun, relax. You're home now. Everything should be fine, right?"

"I'm home but I'm on house arrest. I'm going to court. I think I'm going to jail."

"What did you do?" he sounded panicked and suspicious at the same time. 

"I practically killed someone."

The line fell silent. I know what I expected him to say. What  _could_  he say? 

"How much do you know?" I added.

"Not that much, that's for sure. I haven't been watching the news or reading the newspaper because I just couldn't..."

"Taeyong shot his father but it was all because of me."

"I went to the police station and told them whatever I could. I know that you're probably going to be angry with me because of that but I just had to." Lucas didn't retort to my statement. I don't really think that he wanted to.

"I'm not angry. It's over."

"So, let me get this straight. Taeyong killed his father and you both ran away?"

"Practically, yeah."

"I wish I knew what to say, but I don't."

"There's nothing you have to say."

"I guess I could say that I'm sorry."

"I don't need pity."

"I said it before and I'll say it again. You're so brave."

"What we did wasn't heroic or brave..."

"Then I take that back."

"Are you scared of me now?"

"Why would I be scared of you?"

"Because I'm a criminal."

"I mean... you've committed crimes but I don't really think you're a  _criminal_."

"Whats the difference?"

"Criminals are evil."

"You don't think what we did was evil?"

"I don't know the full story. It was bad. A bit of a fuck up." He laughed. "But no. I don't think you'd ever hurt a fly if you didn't have to. We're all crims, Jaehyun. We've all told a lie and enjoyed it. We've all stolen something from someone." 

"What about Taeyong?"

"To be honest... I'm not so sure, Jaehyun."

I sighed. He said exactly what I expected him to. Why was I being painted as the "good guy" in this mess?

"How are the boys?"

"Ah, you know. The usual. Mark's an idiot, Haechan is even more of an idiot. Ten's still a little bitch."

I couldn't help but erupt into laughter.

"And how are you?"   
  
"I'm okay. I've been a nervous wreck because of exams and your disappearance but I'm okay. I suppose it would be kind of out of place to ask how you are?"

"I'm... alive, I guess. I'm surviving."

"I guess that's all you can do at this point. Look Jaehyun, I gotta go. Midterms are coming up and I have to beat Ten this year in maths. If I do he's gonna pay for my lunches for a month. I just want to see the look on his face when I beat his ass." 

"I miss all of you... I miss you all so badly."

I was comforted that at least some constituents of my life remained untouched by my acts of recklessness.

"I miss you too. I'm so glad you're back. Give me a call and let me know how things go, kay?"

"Alright. Thanks, Yukhei."

"Well... cya later."

"Cya later."

I put the phone down and sighed. My tears had stopped, and I felt the salty remnants of them dried up on my cheeks. I looked at the door and I almost expected Taeyong to walk in with a bright smile, a bag of chips and a DVD in his hand, I almost expected him to jump in my lap and place a passionate kiss on my lips.

I shook the ridiculous thought out of my head. It felt like I was just waiting for someone to say "you've been pranked!" Or "this is a joke." But it wasn't. It felt like time should have stopped a while ago. It felt like the world should have stopped turning as soon as Jackson and the police burst into our apartment. But I had to deal with it now.

Through all of this, I hadn't cried much, not nearly enough. I wanted to scream to the world, but would they hear me? It was all useless though - I had completely surrendered. I should be calling off me and Taeyong - the notion of us together, happy, sitting at the creek - but I wasn't willing to do that. Not today and not tomorrow. If I heard another "I'm sorry" or a sympathetic news reporter, or inquisitions from strangers I didn't tell, I would show them a vision of hell. They would poke and they prod... just leave us alone - let the dead be the dead - I thought. Where was the god that I prayed to in primary school? it felt like I was on a constant car ride home, but the destination was yet to be reached. It felt like I was looking out the window, rain droplets creating patterns in the wind, listening to music, probably some pathetic sad song, but there was no street signs or any other signs of life... it was just an endless road...

I clenched my fist and saw my knuckles white dry in the dim light of my room. I didn't even know what time it was, nor did I really care. It felt like the rest of the world didn't matter to me. I got up and stripped all of my clothes off in my bathroom. I felt my feet on the cold tiles. I looked at myself in the mirror. My blonde hair had yellowed slightly. I had lost a bit of weight. The gaping hole in the side of my body was healing and was covered up with bandages. It barely hurt - I didn't know if it was because I was so numb or because I was used to being consumed by pain. I splashed some water on my face and my eyes landed on the wrist that Mr Lee had so  _politely_  scorched with a cigarette. It had completely healed. There would be a wound that would remain with me forever - the night that changed my life. Not even the marks on my body would allow me to forget it.

I turned off all the lights in my room and lay down on my bed and threw the covers over my head. I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I didn't try. I simply lay there, curled in a ball like a child, clutching onto my knees for comfort. I wondered what Taeyong was doing, and if he was feeling okay. I hope they were treating him well at the police station. Visions of the upcoming court trial rose in my mind. Plead guilty? Plead not guilty? Plead insanity?

I knew that Taeyong would have to plead insanity because...  _he was insane,_ or close enough to being insane that he would qualify for some form of diminished responsibility for his sentence. But what would happen to me, someone with no history of recorded mental health problems? if they got people to testify for me I was convinced that they would say "Jaehyun: a normal kid. Sporty, athletic, average grades, unproblematic. Perhaps even a bit boring." Would I have to spew some lies about my unstable childhood or my mother's death, or the fact that my father fucked me which in turn fucked me up? A good sob story - I'm not going to lie... But what relevance did it bear? 

I knew that I was not going to be trialled for murder, but that didn't make me irresponsible for all that happened. I said it a hundred times until it made my mouth dry - it was all my fault. I was convinced the judge would realise that.

I closed my eyes. I wasn't used to being in an empty bed. I thought of taking a bath, but I knew that I couldn't enjoy it. I hoped the sweet perfume of our truths rotting inside my stomach could free me. There was no redemption. There was no way to atone what I did - what we did. Even if it could, I would be plagued with memories of guns and dingy apartments and stolen cars for the rest of my life. 

I twisted the ring that was on my finger over and over again, and I let myself revel in my sadness, longing and loneliness, and faded, dusty souvenirs and recollections of better times because there was nothing else that I could do, or wanted to. 


	52. HELL

JAEHYUN'S POV 

It was the day of the trial. In the previous three days, while I had been on house arrest, I barely left my room. My father brought me food and asked if I wanted to talk, or even just watch tv, but I denied all of his offers. All I did was lay awake, staring at my ceiling, and chain smoke a copious amount of cigarettes. Oh, and I masturbated to the thought of Taeyong.

my palms were already sweating, and the police hadn't even arrived yet. I put on my best clothes and attempted to make my hair look presentable. It had grown out a considerable bit, and the blonde had faded out slightly to a rather unsightly yellow colour. I had huge bags under my eyes and my already pale skin had somehow grown paler - you could see the veins in my eyelids that looked like purple thunder.

I jumped when my father opened the door without knocking.

"They're here."

I gulped. I nodded in response and took a final look at myself in the mirror and straightened my suit jacket that now hung on me. My legs carried me out of the room, despite the fact that my mind was telling me to stay in the comfort of my solitude. perhaps my body knew that was pointless. I would have to face up to my crimes someday, in one way or another.

I walked down the stairs with my father close behind me. He was attending the trial as well - sober, at least. I was greeted by Kun and Sicheng standing in the doorway, wearing their long coats with small police issued badges pinned to them. I opened my mouth to greet them, but no words escaped. through the open front door, a cold draft blew in, and I could see that the sky was a deep grey colour.

"Let's go," Kun said simply. They turned around and I followed them out of my house, and my father locked up behind me. They opened the door for me and I got in obediently.

"Where's Taeyong?" I said, expecting to see him in the car.

"He's in the jail below the court room where he's been for the past three days."

"How is he?" I couldn't help but say.

"I don't think its constructive or beneficial if I tell you, Jaehyun."

"You just sort of answered my question."

"The first night, he wouldn't stop asking if he could call you. he had a fit, what's new. The next few days he was so quiet - too quiet. he wouldn't even turn around to face us. Wouldn't answer questions, wouldn't speak to the psychologist, nothing."

I was too tired to get angry with Kun. I was too tired to retort, I was too tired to fight. it was pointless to ask why he wouldn't let him call me, or let us communicate at all - even if it was a five-minute phone call. I simply shook my head and looked out the window, and pushed the thought of Taeyong being upset and scared in the cold, windowless jail cell to the back of my mind.

The entire car trip was awkward, tense and silent - and I heard my dad shifting around uncomfortably, clearing his throat to speak, but then swallowing his words.

We arrived at the courthouse within 30 minutes - but it felt like the longest 30 minutes I had ever experienced. There was no press outside the courthouse, which eased my nerves slightly. I would now meet my fate. We may as well have handed ourselves into the police the moment he pulled the trigger.

I got out of the car and I froze. My father came around to the other side of the car where I was standing, on the road, and put his hand on my back and directed me to walk with him behind Kun and Sicheng. My father looked at me sympathetically, willing for me to proceed to the courthouse. Somehow, I placed one foot in front of another and walked inside.

The atmosphere was absolutely terrifying. I felt all eyes on me as I walked in. I just wanted to see Taeyong. If I was nervous, I couldn't begin to imagine how he was feeling.

There were a few people gathered outside what appeared to be the courtroom where the trial was being held. My line of sight connected with Yuta's, and Wei-Ren, of course. She waved at me and smiled, and clutched her handbag nervously. I was more shocked to see Yuta...

"Yuta? What the-"

"I'm here to testify. I'm on your side." Yuta faked a smile in an attempt to ease my nerves. 

"Me too," Wei-Ren affirmed. The last time I saw her or heard anything from her was when I was in the hospital in Tokyo. It was good to see her again. 

Sicheng looked dumbfounded, and he blushed, and turned around and went to the water dispender and fumbled with the plastic cups. 

"I'll be back." Yuta paced over to him, and the two of them looked at each other and said hello.

Kun suddenly grabbed my shoulder.

"You need to wait in the cells while we organise a few things."

Sicheng signalled over to a security guard who came and grabbed me firmly by my shoulder and lead me down a set of stairs, through two locked glass doors, and into what appeared to be a small jail of holding cells. It was almost dead quiet.

The guard unlocked the bars and slid them and put me in the same cell as taeyong. I jumped when I heard him slam the door behind us.

My heart rate increased dramatically. We didnt even say anything to each other. Taeyong simply got up from his place on his uncomfortable looking bed, and threw his arms around me and buried his head in my chest. I grabbed him and held him to my body, and closed my eyes as I took a deep inhale and sniffed his hair. I missed his aroma. I missed his entire body, I missed the sound of his voice. I missed his deep eyes and I missed his lips. Oh, how I fucking missed his lips.

Taeyong tore away and grabbed my face gently in both of his hands and placed a soft kiss on my lips. For some reason, my eyes welled up with tears. I was so fucking happy to see him, my body didnt know how to handle it.

"You look so handsome, baby."

He said while his eyes darted around my face as if he had forgotten what it looked like. He caressed my cheeks gently with his thumbs. I smiled down at him through my tears.

"You don't have to say it back. I know I look like shit." He added with a snicker.

"Like I said when I first met you... Its impossible for you to look like shit, Lee Taeyong."

He looked tired, but he looked like he had been eating at least something. His red hair had faded to a lighter colour, which softened his features a bit. He was wearing a blue pinstriped shirt and a pair of suit pants that the police must have gotten from his house when they searched it - I presume.

"They wouldn't let you speak to me."

"I know. Bastards."

"What do you think is gonna happen?"

"We're going to plead not guilty and we're going to get the fuck out of this mess. That's whats going to happen. We're going to tell them everything. Everything that your father did and everything that your father made you do. Because it wasn't your fault. It wasn't our fault. It was his fault. Okay?"

"I'm scared. What if they don't believe me?"

"Don't be scared... all we have to do is tell the truth. It will set us free."

"All the running... the motels, the sleepless nights... for what?"

"Because we would have been killed if we stayed."

"I don't think I ever thanked you... but, thank you for staying... thank you for everything." 

"I have something for you." I suddenly remembered. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring that I got made for us. I grabbed his hand and slipped it on his ring finger. He looked down at it, and then up at me. He blushed like crazy, and his face erupted into a beautiful smile.

"I'm so glad it fits," I said proudly. I held my hand out and showed him mine.

"I don't deserve you."

"Look under the ring."

He smiled at me and took it off, and titled it up to reflect the light.

"j+t, 127%... just like you said." He smiled with adoration, and his eyes grew glassy.

"I don't know what I'd do without you..." I pulled him close to me again and he squeezed me tightly. He kissed my cheeks and made his way to my lips. there we were, standing in a jail cell, awaiting trial for murder, and we were making out. Because I had been so deprived of his touch, I was so sensitive to it. I got turned on so quickly. Taeyong released a hot breath into my mouth and slipped his tongue inside. I turned my cheek on him.

"Not... right now." I let out a moan as he ran his hands along my back, gently pressing himself on me, careful not to hurt my wound.

"Who cares..."

"They'll see us."

"Let them." He whispered sensually.

In so many ways we had changed... but part of me felt like we hadn't changed a bit. I was still scared of displaying affection towards him in public. I was scared to hold his hand and have people look at us strangely. But at that moment, I didn't care. I needed him, and I needed him more than ever. I felt my cheeks flush as I pushed him back against the wall and kissed him deeply. He rubbed himself on my thighs and I felt his crotch Harden as each second passed. He lifted his leg up and ran it down the side of my thighs, careful not to break away from our passionate moment. I grabbed the underside of his leg and pulled it up, and I did the same with his other. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and began to suck my neck.

"Don't... just kiss me... please..." I begged.

"This could be the last time I see you."

"Don't say that... don't..." I whispered into his ear.

He turned his face and pressed his forehead against mine, and held the back of my neck.

"I just wanna stay like this... forever..."

"We'll go to the creek... and we can swim in the summer..." I said while brushing my lips over his.

"Id like that."

"AHEM!"

Of course - I thought. I was practically waiting for that to happen. 

I turned around, and Kun was standing outside the bars. I let go of Taeyong's thighs and he slid down my body and gained his balance. I ran my hands through my hair, attempting to fix it, and I did the same to Taeyong. Both of our faces were bright red.

"Sorry to interrupt, boys, but we have to start the hearing." Kun sassed. 

Taeyong looked at me, and his sultry eyes were replaced with wide and worried ones. I felt like I was Dante descending to the pits of hell. Layer by layer, each day I was getting closer. I started to descend as soon as Taeyong pulled the trigger on his father... and deeper and deeper we went... until we reached the centre. 

We were there. It was time. It greeted us with a malicious smirk, it was ready to engulf us, to take us in. 

Kun knew he didn't need to grab us. He didn't even cuff Taeyong. He unlocked the cell and we walked out. Everything felt unreal again, it felt like this moment would never come. Taeyong and I simultaneously looked down at each other's hands, and then back up at each other. I slipped my hand inside his, and he clutched it for dear life.

And off we went, walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

I was counting down the days, minutes hours until the trial. Now it was seconds... 

3... 

2... 

1\. 

Kun flung open the doors, and I was almost blinded by a white light. I gained my bearings and looked around the courtroom. Everything was blurry. I recognised Yuta and Wei-Ren, but I couldn't see my father. The environment was clinical and stark, and very unwelcoming. I suppose that was the point. 

Perhaps Kun should have cuffed Taeyong. Taeyong froze in his place, and he was staring ahead of him at something or someone. I traced his line of sight, and I saw Jackson, sitting on the opposite end of the room. I could see the anger boiling inside Taeyong. He pulled his hand out from my grasp and I tried to grab it again, but he wriggled out of my grip. 

"That fucker... I'm gonna kill him." 

"Tae, sh. It's fine." 

Jackson was staring us down with intense eyes. His aura was domineering. It felt like he was imagining killing us in his head. 

"IM GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM!" Taeyong shrieked, his voice cracking. He launched his body forward and ran straight past Kun, who failed at holding him back.


	53. TESTIFY

JAEHYUN'S POV

Taeyong took long strides along the courtroom.

I could see his every movement in critical detail. I could see the veins in his neck jut out as he sprinted to the opposition. The crowd in the courtroom shrieked in fright and then fell silent as they observed him, covering their mouths, widening their eyes. Security officers in the back of the courtroom near the public entrance looked at each other and then darted over. But it was too late. Taeyong jumped over the bar table and grabbed Jackson by the neck. Taeyong was weak. He couldn't do much, Jackson smiled at him devilishly and wickedly. Before we knew it, Taeyong was ripped effortlessly away from Jackson.

"ORDER!" The judge yelled as he slammed his mallet against the block. any remaining muttering faded. The security guards dragged Taeyong back over to our bar table, and slammed his front down, and cuffed his hands behind him. He grunted under their rough grasp.

Kun grabbed Taeyong by the arm and clenched his teeth at him.

"Hold it together you fuck. You've just made this a whole lot harder for yourself."

I willed myself to walk further into the courtroom. I felt countless anonymous eyes on me. I met the gaze of my father sitting in the front row. His eyes were sombre. I had failed him as a son.

People exchanged whispers as I came to the bar table and sat down. I clenched my shaking hands together and looked down, not daring to make eye contact with anyone, even Taeyong. I felt a sharp ringing in my ears.

The judge banged his mallet a final time.

"All rise."

Everyone stood up in a chorus. I looked around and darted to my feet. I looked over at Taeyong, who was looking straight ahead, coldly, blankly. I gulped.

"The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the Honorable Judge Kye Se-Yoon is presiding. Everyone, please be seated." a clinical voice said.

"What do we have here? A very complex case indeed... No defence... I see... Mr Lee is dead. Lee Taeyong. You are being charged with Possession of an unlicensed firearm, reckless driving, driving without a licence, driving a stolen vehicle, travelling under a false identity, possession of false identification papers, and tampering with evidence. And murder in the first degree. How do you plead?"

"Guilty to all but murder in the first degree, your Honour."

"Jung Jaehyun... Possession of an unlicensed firearm, reckless driving, driving without a licence, driving a stolen vehicle, travelling under a false identity, possession of false identification papers, tampering with evidence, and an accessory after the fact in murder in the first degree. How do you plead?"

"Guilty to all but the last."

The judge looked up from his papers and lowered his glasses further down his nose. The judge looked at Kun for approval, and he nodded.

"Jackson Wang. Your sentences include the murder in the first degree of Johnny Seo and-"

"Guilty." Jackson blurted before he could finish. "Your honour." He sassed and folded his arms.

I didn't know Jackson very well, but his mannerisms seemed to match his countenance. He wore a suit and looked remarkably neat and groomed to perfection. His bleached blonde hair was slicked back, and he looked well fed and strong. He looked like he sat in court for a living. Everyone in the room knew that he would be paying the Judge to get out of prison. He was as relaxed as ever. For Taeyong and I, it was a different story. 

"Jung Jaehyun, I ask you to come to the speaker's box to testify your case. The department of public prosecutions will be questioning you due to the fact that the defence is dead. Do you wish to proceed?"

"Y-Yes your honour," I said as my voice cracked helplessly. 

I stood up, somehow, and focused my blurry vision on the witness box before me. I opened the small wooden door and sat down and tried to focus on the task at hand, and prepare myself for whatever was about to happen. 

The prosecutor paced around the centre of the courtroom in front of the bar tables and came close to the witness box. He flipped through stapled pages in front of him, as if he was wondering where he would even begin to start questioning me.

"Jung Jaehyun. 19 years old... You attended Seoul Grammar school... how did you become involved in a case like this?"

"I met Taeyong."

"Where you aware of his background when you met him?"

"I wasn't aware of it when I first saw him, but after that, I was informed of his father's position and his background."

"But I see that this didn't stop you from getting involved with him. How did this occur?"

I paused and reminisced.

"He asked me where the administration office was."

Hi. I'm starting here today. Where's the office?

Uh, sorry what?

The office? Administration desk?

"That can't be the basis for your friendship and subsequent romantic relationship."

"We were paired for a group assignment. And things sort of escalated from there."

"So you intentionally got involved with someone who was dangerous even if it was just for an assignment. Although it didn't just stop there. I understand that you have a sexual relationship?" I blushed.

"He's not dangerous. And yes. We fuck if that's what you wanted to hear."

"Enough of that." The judge snapped. 

"What makes you think that a murderer is not dangerous? Not just a murderer. This man killed his own father." The prosecutor said while making unwavering eye contact with Taeyong.

"It was my fault. It... it's a long story... I... just..."

"Well then, Mr Jung, I suggest you do your best in explaining yourself."

I scoured my foggy memory and attempted to recall events of the night of the murder.

"I'll start off by saying that we didn't want this to happen. Nobody wanted this... If Taeyong's father could have accepted us and not kept us apart, then none of this would have ever happened. Mr Lee forced Taeyong to date Myong Wei Ren with the intention of inheriting a large sum of money. Because... excuse my bluntness, but her father is about to die. He was then ordered to kill her so he would inherit the entirety of the inheritance and all associated business."

"OBJECTION!" Jackson's lawyer yelled. 

"Overruled. Continue, Jaehyun."

"Taeyong... Taeyong was not like his father. His father threatened to kill me. Taeyong never spoke of murder. Taeyong is gentle and kind and just... wanted everything to be perfect."

"What do you mean by Taeyong's father threatened to kill you?"

"Jackson took me into Mr Lee's headquarters and told me to stay away from him. By force. He also knocked my father out."

I heard whispers and gasps from the public. I looked over at Jackson who scoffed at me with his eyes.

"So, the night of the murder, you were taken to the location by force?"

"Yes... But the night of the murder was after about... three days... maybe a week of being locked in a concrete cellar."

"Your Honour, does this match his previous testimonies and others?" The prosecutor addressed the judge.

"Yes. Please continue."

I shifted uncomfortably and tried to remain calm as memories flooded my consciousness. I said what happened like it was nothing, like I was recalling a day where I was walking down a street, and saw a dog, and got a coffee, and went to school like it was any other boring day. 

"Describe that night in as much detail as you can."

"When I woke up, I was taken out of the cellar by some people... I don't remember their faces. They brought me to a very large room. Taeyong was there and so was Mr Lee."

"What did he say?"

Cat got your tongue, Jung Jaehyun?

"He.. uh... Asked me if I understood what Taeyong was required to do."

"Which was?"

"To marry Wei Ren."

"I see."

"Did you know about this before the fact?"

"Yes. He told me that I was getting in the way of it. That I was making it impossible."

The prosecutor paused and allowed me to continue. I closed my eyes to hide my tears.

If you love him, then you should want to protect him, correct? So stay the fuck away from him.

"He told me to stay away from Taeyong but I said that I couldn't. Then he tied me up and told everyone else to leave aside from Taeyong."

"And I understand that's where things get a little murky."

"Yes. Because nobody knows the real circumstances surrounding Mr Lee's death." I choked.

"According to you, what were the circumstances surrounding his death?"

"I was tied up in the chair and Mr Lee pulled out a gun. He said: Stay away from my son or die. I don't remember what I said after that, but it made him load his gun. He pointed it right in the middle of my forehead. But apparently killing me wasn't enough. He wanted Taeyong to kill me. Mr Lee came from behind him and shoved the gun into his hands. He put his own on top of his, not allowing him to escape. He told Taeyong to shoot me."

I love you. Do it. I love you. This will all go away.

The entire courtroom was so silent, I swear I could hear each and every person's heart beating.

"Then Taeyong lifted the gun up to his own head. This shocked Mr Lee and he backed away from Taeyong. And then Taeyong elbowed Mr Lee in the face... and kicked his stomach. He fell to the ground. Then Taeyong shot him in the shoulder. And then... in the head."

I forced my eyes around the courtroom. Everyone was looking at me. Some people looked sympathetic, some people looked shocked, some looked disgusted. 

"We knew that Mr Wang would come after us. So we left. I guess you could say we panicked."

"So it appears... according to your testimony, this you were both acting in self-defence?"

"Yes," I said confidently. "Neither of us pulled the gun out. Taeyong was under so much pressure... his father had broken him down... perhaps, to the point where he lost some of his humanity... and sanity, obviously. And then I came along and made everything a whole lot worse. So if you're going to lock either of us up, I suggest you lo-"

"Thank you Jaehyun. That's quite enough."

My eyes darted over to Taeyong, who looked a state. His bottom lip was quivering. 

"Lee Taeyong, come to the witness box for questioning."


	54. INNOCENCE

TAEYONG'S POV 

"Lee Taeyong, come to the witness box for questioning."

I felt my stomach sink. I felt my heart rate grow even faster if that was even possible. I wiped my clammy hands on my pants and stood up. I clumsily stumbled out of my chair, and Jaehyun got up out of the box and closed the door. He tried to look at me, willing for me to look at him desperately, with wide, imploring eyes.

I couldn't look at him. I could see his tired face, his clenched jaw, his three-day facial hair growth, his dry skin, and his physique that was once so strong, that was now withered... because of me. Because he loved me. 

I couldn't make it any harder than it already was.

That was what we had amounted to. Two men, boys, or somewhere in-between, in a courtroom being trialled for murder. 

When I first saw him on the train that day, this is not where I thought we would end up. When I first kissed him at a stupid party, this is not where I thought we would be. I dreamt about it, had some form of premonition, and I said to myself that I didn't believe in that shit; that it was just a coincidence. 

Evidently, I was so terribly mistaken. 

I didn't even try to hold back my tears. I let them roll freely down my cheeks. I let my shoulders shake. Kun opened the door for me, and I sat down. I couldn't even wipe my tears because my hands were cuffed behind my back. There was nowhere to hide anymore. No more hotels, no more stolen cars, no more false identities and forged passports.

"Lee Taeyong, are you able to proceed?"

"Yes." I willed.

I took a deep breath and looked up. I couldn't see anyone. Everything was blurry, which made things a bit easier.

A figure who I believed was the prosecutor stood up and walked over to me.

"A criminal mastermind." He said without any context.

"Sorry?" I said barely above a whisper.

"A master manipulator." He cocked with a malicious laugh. "You're not fooling anyone."

"Innocent until proven guilty or guilty until proven innocent?" Was the only thing that I could say.

"I think its pretty clear that you-" 

"I think its pretty clear that I deserve an unbiased, fair trial." 

I squeezed the remaining tears out of my eyes which cleared my vision. The prosecutor was a tall, well-groomed man with tanned, flawless skin. A typical, pretentious lawyer. 

"Please recall your version of the night of the murder." He said after strolling around the courtroom, waiting for me to compose myself.

"I... they... Jaehyun was... taken out of the car... and..."

"I'm afraid Mr Lee, that you're going to have to be a little more specific."

Deafening silence. The silence was so intense that I found it hard to think. Images of Jaehyun's lifeless body being dragged out of one of my father's cars, into the headquarters, me being held back, screaming for them to let him go, to get him help. Jackson laughing like a clown on the side.

"They took Jaehyun from his home... I honestly thought he was dead. I was screaming for him and he wouldn't even wake up. They were going to do something to him... something bad. But they didn't tell me what. I waited for a week until he woke up. Jackson, er, Mr Wang didn't allow me to leave headquarters at all. I was forced to go on a date with Wei Ren... I drank a lot during that time, so my memory is... foggy..." I pressed my fingers into my forehead and massaged my temples.

"You drank a lot because...?" 

"Because at that time I thought that one of us would not come out of that building alive." 

"And what gave you that feeling? Was there any discussion surrounding death?"

"It's the mafia we're talking about here. They kill people for a living. Literally. And you fuckers let them-"I began to rise in my chair.

The judge banged his mallet which made me jump and I slumped back down.

"ENOUGH." The judge said sternly with a raised voice.

"Let's cut to the chase, shall we? The moment we've all been waiting for." The prosecutor's heels clicked on the marble floors and echoed around the room.

"It wasn't my fault."

"You shot your father."

"I didn't put the fucking bullets in the gun."

"You loaded the gun and pulled the trigger. Isn't that the same thing?"

"I didn't want it to happen. He wanted to kill Jaehyun. And he was going to make me do it. What was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to put a stop to the situation."

I felt a fire burning in my chest.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED! NONE OF YOU WILL EVER GET IT!" I yelled. He barely flinched. 

"In the psychologist's analysis, she said present symptoms of schizoaffective disorder, psychosis, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, and the list goes on, Lee Taeyong. But, the crucial note here is that these symptoms presented themselves after the murder. You were sane when you killed him. What defence do you have other than insanity, now that your insanity, I'm afraid, has been disproven?"

"Do... Do you have a wife?" 

"Yes."

"Where's she from?"

He paused and looked around.

"Jejudo... but I don't quite see what you're getting at." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Ah... perfect. Your parents didn't approve of her, did they? A little island off the Korean strait? I bet they told you to marry a cultured city slicker from Seoul, or at worst Busan. Didn't they? A young kid at law school... wanting to marry someone from such a low class? HAH! Your parents must have loved you... didn't they?"

"That's none of your business." He said while puffing his chest out defensively.

"Now imagine that they want to kill her. She didn't do anything wrong, she was just born on an island. Her family are farmers. But they want to kill her. In fact... they want you to kill her."

"Your honour, who is the one being questioned here?"

"Continue, Taeyong."

"But your-" 

"Silence."

"Thank you, Your Honour. They want you to marry someone else, and they want you to kill her. Could you do it?"

He did not retort, and he laughed nervously. I had no idea where I had mustered the strength to speak from... I wanted to leave an impression. I wanted to give them something to think about. 

"You would kill your parents, wouldn't you? Old hags, don't know anything about love, don't they? So set in their ways... Why did they have to ruin everything for you? Your relationship with them is fractured. I can tell. You don't wear your ring."

He stared me down, and I tried my best not to look away from him.

"Your testimony raises the question whether, given the circumstances that were indeed unforeseen and unfavourable, if any person in your situation would have reacted in the same way." The judge interjected. "Given intense environmental pressures... your hormone fuelled desire for love, and to protect the one that you love... I am finding it hard to establish the mens rea, your intention to do harm... yes, you intended to do harm, but in a split second before the fact."

"Y-yes... that's right."

"Your father was the criminal, with the criminal mind and the criminal intention. You are but a mere symptom of it, it was literally forced into your hands according to your own and Mr Jung's previous testimony. Not to mention your flawless criminal record despite your context."

"Your honour, I'm not finish-" the prosecutor raised his finger and strode forward.

"Thank you, Mr Lee, that will be all."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The prosecutor huffed and rolled his eyes. I got up out of the box, and Kun opened the door again.

"You did well," Kun whispered in my ear on our walk back to the table. He sat me down next to Jaehyun. I suddenly felt electric and powerful.

"Jung Jaehyun." The judge said while looking down at his papers, deep in thought. Jaehyun darted up. "I sentence you to 6 month's house arrest, one year's community service, and weekly psychotherapy. You will attend court every 3 months for reassessment for one year. If you fail to abide by these terms, a jail sentence will be duly considered."

Jackson scoffed. Chatter erupted in the courtroom.

He sighed in relief, and sat down beside me, trying to hide the smile playing on his lips. I wanted to grab his face, to kiss him, to hug him, to wipe the tears on his cheeks. I was so relieved. Perhaps he would lead a normal life. Perhaps things would return to normal, or some idea of normal. 

"Lee Taeyong."

I stood up, and I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

"I sentence you to a minimum of 18 months in Seoul Psychiatric hospital without visitation rights from Jung Jaehyun."

"Wh... what?" Jaehyun stood up beside me.

Without visitation rights from Jung Jaehyun.

I don't know what I expected. 

We could do nothing but look at each other as the sentence sunk in. 

My breathing quickened. 

"T-Take these off! Take them off!" I signalled behind me for Kun to take off my handcuffs. 

"Hey, it's okay... It'll fly. You'll get better. I'll be seeing you soon, so soon." Jaehyun had already begun to cry. He cupped my face with both hands gently. He knew it wasn't okay, but he could also see that I was about to erupt. 

"No... Please... NO! NO!" 

I turned around and I hadn't even realised that Wei Ren, Yuta, and Taeyong's father were all sitting in the second row. Wei Ren had makeup running down her cheeks. Yuta looked pale and in shock. Jaehyun's father looked relieved. 

"Shhh... it's fine." 

"SOMEONE TAKE THEM OFF! PLEASE!" 

Jackson's sentence was being read out, but I couldn't hear it properly, perhaps because I knew that it meant nothing. 

"The court is adjourned. All rise." The judged banged his mallet a final time, and the decision was final. 

I just wanted to touch him one last time. He planted a kiss on my lips as Kun grabbed my shoulder, and then my arm. I wish I had told him I loved him. But all I could do was watch him being taken away from me. He was screaming something to me as someone held his shoulder, but I couldn't tell what it was. 

I watched his body shrink into the distance yet again.


	55. HOLLOW

1 YEAR LATER

JAEHYUN'S POV

I was in therapy for a year. I spoke my heart out to my therapist. I let her know every thought in my head. I wrote about it... I thought about it endlessly until I had resolved everything in my head.

She asked me questions like... "Do you regret what you did?" and "Do you think there was a way you could have prevented what happened?" and "How do I feel about it?"

Sometimes I would stare at her blankly, and ask her if it was a rhetorical question. She told me not to forget about what happened, but to make peace with it. Needless to say, I did not follow her advice.

My life was empty... hollow... shallow. Like a bed without a matrice, a drink without a coaster. My father often said that something had changed in me, like the light in my eyes had somehow gone, whatever the fuck that meant.

I often went to the creek where Taeyong took me. I sat there for hours. I drank. I cried. I got angry. I thought about him every day. When I heard movement in the forest beside the creek, I always expected Taeyong to jump out with a big smile. And when I knew that he was never going to come, I cried even more. In summer, I even slept there sometimes, and my father found me and told me to come home. I always walked past Taeyong's old house. The lights were on in there one day, and I ran to the door in sheer excitement. They had sold it, and new tenants had moved in. They looked at me, utterly confused, as I backed away from the house and started to cry. I didn't think it was possible to cry so fucking much.

I had no idea where Taeyong was or what he was doing. He was out of the mental hospital... or I thought that he should have been. I knew that he probably hated me. I knew that... his psychologist probably conditioned him into associating negative, adverse things with me. I thought about going there, to the hospital to visit him, and using a false name. I did, but they had my picture. I thought about him locked up in there... but I knew it was where he was meant to be. But still, I missed him, and I always felt like I was looking for him in everything.

I never heard from or saw Jackson again.

After my term of house arrest was over, by some work of a miracle, Seoul Grammar accepted me back to school. They graded all the tests that I missed according to my past results, and I was able to do my final exams. I wrote Taeyong's name all over the papers and barely passed.

Dare I say it, but my life seemed normal from the outside... Normal enough.

Lucas and Ten still bickered over everything, but they loved each other dearly. Mark and Haechan matured so much, they're like men now. We still sat beside the sports shed and smoked cigarettes during our lunch hours. Nobody dares to ask me about Taeyong or what happened. We never even mention his name. Lucas had told me that I was a lot more serious and a lot quieter and that he would often see me staring into space.

My father is sober. He and his girlfriend got married, and she moved in with us. They're expecting a child soon. I'm so glad that my father is happy... His girlfriend, Anna, is nice. She's half American and quite beautiful. She tries to talk to me sometimes and asks if I'm okay if I have anything on my mind, but I avoid conversation with her as much as possible. I know that she's trying to be like a mother, but... I concluded that it was better to let wounds heal on their own, as opposed to stitching them up while they're still wide open and bloody, which is infinitely more painful.

One time Anna put on the Frank Sinatra song that Taeyong and I danced to in the living room. I was in my room, and I could hear it faintly downstairs. I snapped, ran over to the record player, grabbed the record and destroyed it.

I still go to therapy sometimes, just for a check-up, just so my father and Anna can rest assured that I won't kill myself or something. I work in a cafe in the centre of Seoul 5 days a week. Its good work and I get paid decently, and it helps me stay distracted. On my weekends, I go to bars and clubs with Lucas, Mark, Haechan and Ten. They're all over 18 now. At clubs, guys try and kiss me, and ask me on dates, and ask if they can buy me a drink. I always say no, even though Taeyong and I technically are not together... but we never broke up. I hung onto him by every tether I could.

I still felt him in every inch of me, in every fibre of my being. I missed the smell of his cologne, I missed the taste of his lips and his soft skin. His lips, oh god, his fucking lips, and how his cupids bow cast a shadow, how they rested slightly open when he slept. I missed his eyes, how I could see myself in them. I missed his body, his lean, veiny arms, I missed his hair and how it always looked perfect even when he just woke up, which was unfair. I missed how he needed me, and how I needed him. I missed the feeling of his arms around me. I missed the feeling of the depression in my bed beside me, when I knew that he was sleeping next to me. I still loved him. Everyone knew it. My father knew it, and all my friends knew it. Taeyong was like a ghost: people knew he existed, but they didn't know where he was.. but they knew how much he meant to me.

I still wore the ring that I bought for us every day. I would hold it up to my lips and speak to it sometimes, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds, and even though I knew that he couldn't hear me... it was the closest I could get to him. It was all I had left.

Each day, I ached, I ached... I ached for him. A part of me is missing and is still missing to this day. I look back on the short amount of time we had together, and I cherish it more than I will ever cherish anything. I thought the concept of soul mates was stupid until I met him. I sat by my phone, checked it obsessively, waited up for him to see if he would come to me, to say my name, in the dead of night, because I thought that it was something that he would do.

He never came.


	56. RECOGNISE

19 MONTHS LATER (AFTER THE TRIAL)

TAEYONG'S POV

I knew what my life would be like inside the institution. At first, I did not cope with being completely shut off from the outside world, but it was what I needed at the time. I wouldn't settle down. I demanded Jaehyun. I kicked, I screamed, I tried to escape. I was injected with sedatives to make me pass out for what felt like days at a time in that padded, windowless room, where I felt like I had lost what little humanity remained within me. They put me on medication to stabilise my mind, and I felt like a zombie. For the first week I was at Seoul Psychiatric hospital, I fought tooth and nail to get out of there. Then I realised that I wasn't, in fact, going anywhere, and that yelling, screaming, crying, didn't do anything, because I'd just get thrown in a padded room and sleep my life away, blissfully sedated.

I thought that was what I wanted, because every waking moment was filled with pain, and filled with delusions of my father standing over me, blood trickling down his forehead into his eyes. But that was no way to live.

I had to adapt.

I started to take my medication willingly, instead of sitting with nurses for hours while they would wait for me to take it, tasting the rancid chemicals under my tongue as I tried to hide it from them, and then spat it out, and then repeat the whole cycle all over again.

I had a private room at first because I wasn't particularly the sociable type, for obvious reasons. It had a window, and it was lovely. That was until I saw Jaehyun walking past on the street below and stop out the front, observing the hospital facade. I banged the window. I tried to break it. When I realised that it was no use, I went to the nurse's station and begged to leave. When they said no, I ran out. I ran out and I nearly got to the street, but nurses stopped me before I could reach the doors.

From that day forward, I sat by the window every day, every spare and waking moment I had, waiting to see him again. I refused to eat and sleep because I thought if I looked away I might have missed him. When they realised that I was becoming obsessed, they moved me to a room that wasn't facing the street with a small window near the ceiling so I couldn't see anything without standing on a chair. 

Then, I started therapy when they considered me less of a danger to other patients and doctors. I had therapy every day for six months. I had 5 different therapists, 3 of which gave up on me, and the final 2 combined forces to try and help me. Therapy didn't get rid of the nightmares and hallucinations completely, despite being on medication, I still woke up at night in a cold sweat, and I still saw the ghost of my father dwelling in the corner of the room, and Jackson standing beside him with a gun in his hand, waiting to get his revenge. About 4 months later they stopped completely. The realms of dream and reality merged back together, and I was considered by a clinician as somewhat stable, or stable enough for my standard. They started to treat me like a human again. They let me wear my own clothes instead of terrible hospital issued scrubs and they let me smoke by myself, and when I wanted. They let me pick when and what I wanted to eat, and I only had to go to therapy twice a week. Therapy became less about Jaehyun, and more about me and how I was feeling. Towards the end, we barely even spoke of his name anymore. Some days passed wherein I wouldn't even think about him, because I was conditioned to do so. That didn't mean that I loved him any less.

I endured the rest of my 18 month time in that hospital reading books and writing in my journal. When it was time to leave, they set up a small apartment for me in the outskirts of Seoul near the mountains. I would still visit the hospital once every two weeks for a therapy session and I was ordered to keep a clear criminal record. I never spoke to anyone from the mafia again. I lost all contact with my mother. I wonder if she thinks about me sometimes... even before I shot my father in the head, she wouldn't talk to me.

I made contact with Wei Ren and she came to visit me. To this day we remain good friends. She is now the head of her now deceased father's enterprise. She is a powerful businesswoman and she takes very good care of me. I called Yuta at the motel we stayed at, and we talked on the phone for hours. By chance, Sicheng and he are now together, they were reunited by Jaehyun and me. At least something good came out of it, right? 

I thought about contacting Jaehyun again, somehow. I was told not to. So I didn't. I could live without him. But that didn't imply that I enjoyed living without him. I still missed him every day. When I sat in the bath I would always sit with my legs tucked in to keep space for him on the other side, as if he was there. I thought that he would detest me for turning his seemingly substantial life and turning it completely on his head. I didn't contact him because I knew that he would be doing better off without me.

I still wore the ring he got me every day.

I got a job at a supermarket because I was bored. Money wasn't a problem. I had inherited half of my father's money, by law. Half, not all, because I was the one who killed him. Half because they found out that Jackson had tampered with his will.

The days passed and tended to blend together. I had a nice routine, I went to bed at the same time every day, I took my medication at the same time every day, I watched the news in the evening, cooked, ate, had a beer, and went to bed. I even got a cat to keep me company.

I lived my life how I was ordered to live it. It was a robotic life, but it kept me out of trouble. It was a life without love, yet it was a life without a struggle at the forefront. I suppose I should say that it was my life, and that is all. There isn't really any more to it. 

Albeit, I started to feel more like myself again. When I left the hospital, my hair had grown down to my shoulders. I got a haircut and cut all of that horrible, red dye out, that had faded to a horrible pinkish-orange, that was a constant reminder of my horrible past, and what I had done.

I recognised the idea, the notion, the entity of 'Lee Taeyong' in the mirror. And that was enough for me.


	57. REBUILD

JAEHYUN'S POV 

It was a strange day. 

I was heading to work later than usual, I missed the 8 am train.

I slept through my alarm. I put my pants on backwards. I couldn't find my cellphone even if my life depended on it. The sky was murky and had a muted blue, dusty hue, but the sun shone brighter than ever. I sat down in my usual spot in the carriage, so I could look out the window at the city. The train was rather full, and the mass of bodies created a heat that caused sweat to collect on my skin.

When the doors opened at the next stop, a crisp autumn breeze provided some relief from the stuffy space. I closed my eyes and rested them for a moment. but not for long.

"Baby?"

I opened them and looked up, and opposite me was Taeyong or a man who looked remarkably like him. At first, I looked away, uncomfortable, because I didn't recognise him - making unwavering eye contact, shamelessly, like when I first saw him. Then I looked back and realised it was in fact him. I didn't do anything. Neither of us did. It was remarkably unpoetic, but then again, nothing about our past relationship was.

I think we stared at each other for a full 20 seconds while our eyes both welled up with tears before we could even begin to say or do anything.

We both stood up, and Taeyong stepped over to me. His hand gracefully moved up to my face, and he traced my cheeks, and then my lips with the tips of his fingers, as if he was making sure that I was real and not another hallucination. He smiled as he was doing so. I was too preoccupied with analysing his face, which, had somehow, matured and become even more perfect. Each idiosyncrasy remained the same. He still had the little mole below his lip, and he had light blonde, almost invisible hair adorning his upper lip. His eyes were a bright black - if that's even possible - they stood out like a black hole in the centre of a galaxy. Despite all that we went through and all of the reprehensible, abhorrent things that we did, they still looked wide and innocent - they concealed his past so well.

He didn't look tired and gaunt anymore, which was partly why I couldn't recognise him. The sun illuminated the tiny hairs on his face which made him looked adorned with glitter.

I opened my mouth to speak. All I could manage was a whisper;

"Taeyong," I muttered.

His name lingered on my tongue once again, and it had the smoothness and richness of expensive, velvety liquor.

At that moment I felt slightly numb. I don't think my body knew how to react to seeing him again, because I thought I never would. My mouth was hanging open like an idiot - that's what Taeyong told me a few days later. I simply put my arms around him and pulled him into my chest, and he grabbed my waist. I felt his breathing body against mine, which was warm and full of life, bursting with the same energy and electricity that he used to possess. 

The train jolted and moved forward. We broke apart, and we snapped back into reality. Both of us were crying. Taeyong's lips emerged into a beautiful smile, and mine did too. I smiled so widely my cheeks hurt, I felt like my heart could truly explode. People were looking at us like we had lost our minds, but in reality, we had just found them again. He held my hand and sat down beside me, and he twisted my ring on my finger, and then showed me that he was wearing his.

I interlinked our fingers and then apologised for my palms being sweaty.

I fell in love all over again with the boy on the train.

Perhaps we had changed drastically, but some aspects of us hadn't changed at all. I was Jung Jaehyun - nervous and demure. He was Lee Taeyong - powerful and confident, with the gravity of a million stars. I didn't ask how he was, and I didn't ask him either. I think we both knew that everything was okay and that everything was going to be okay. For real this time. He sat with his head on my shoulder, the sides of our thighs touching like we had never been separated in the first place.

I suppose that's the thing about a house of cards.

No matter how many times they collapse, they can be rebuilt.


End file.
